In what situation does a dumper expect and want the dumpee to contact them again

[Someone1]

In what situation does a dumper expect and want the dumpee to contact them again but are too afraid to do it themselves? Like they want the dumpee to contact them again but are too afraid or unsure to do it themselves, how can you tell?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It doesn't matter. If the dumper is too much of a coward to contact the dumpee, then the dumpee is better off not running after the dumper, otherwise it sets up a precedence where the dumper will always take the easy way out and expect the dumpee to do all the hard work.

[HeartGoesOn]

If the dumper was truly being sincere about contacting the dumpee, nothing would stand in their way. I would think that being "afraid" or "unsure" are nothing but excuses, meaning the dumper is already out of the picture and/or moving on.

[jemoeder]

im in this position right now and i refuse to contact the dumper. she broke up with me thats what i keep telling myself over and over again. even if i called her and we would get back together i would feel as the smaller one.

 

dumpers wanting their dumpee back should do the work not the other way around. respect yourself

[charity]

well.... something like that would happen if it was the case that the dumper felt 'forced' to dump the dumpee due to something the dumpee did wrong. in this case the dumper may want the dumpee to realize that what they did was really wrong and hopefully call to admit their wrongdoing and ask for another chance.

 

basically if the dumper still loves the dumpee but felt forced to end the relationship then they may be hoping and expecting the dumpee to call.

[jemoeder]

ps.

 

when im saying im in the same position i mean:

 

i was dumped 1 month ago. since then the dumper called me once saying we should be friends and afterwards saying she wanted to ask "something else"

 

afterwards some bs email about some things we dealt with to which i responded very warm and mature to.

 

and another email after 3 weeks saying she cried all night while going out in some club because of me (drunken text). i dont repsond to drunken emails.

 

 

anyway point i wanna make is ... if my ex gf (dumper) calls me now for a normal convo and hints to get back together i would consider it BUT SHE HAS TO INITIATE MEANINGFUL AND SINCERE CONTACT.

 

if thats not the case im just doing my thing and slowly every day a little more im getting over her.

 

i have a lot of what ifs in my mind, should i call her or do this or do that . bottom line is she broke up with me so its all on her.

 

 

get what im trying to say with my situation? dumpers are the ones who broke it off so they should be the ones getting it back IF they want to. which in most cases the dont want because it wasnt a rash decision. it probably takes a person weeks/months to do the whole process of actually breaking up with someone, its almost never an over night thing. if it was, it wasnt that deep of a RS to begin with

[lovepugs86]

This is a hard one and it's something I've been wondering about too. The right thing to do is let them contact you. Like everyone is saying on here, if they are too scared or unsure about it, then why would you want someone back like that. If the dumper really wants you back they won't let anything get in the way of that. Plus, I'm pretty sure they already know that you still love them and would be happy that they contacted you so there should be no excuses. Even if the dumper just wants to have a normal convo, they need to care enough to make the first move. They need to be the ones to fight for you now.

[WockaWocka]

 

get what im trying to say with my situation? dumpers are the ones who broke it off so they should be the ones getting it back IF they want to. which in most cases the dont want because it wasnt a rash decision.

 

Agree completely. In a mature relationship (where it's not just a single fight that sets one person off), generally the dumper thinks about a breakup for a while and it's unusual to have a change of heart. Maybe there was some major dysfunction that has been solved, for example the issue was binge drinking and the person stayed sober for many weeks and wanted to try again, or one person was pressing for commitment and the other finally relented. But in both these cases the dumper would typically be the one who felt 'wronged' and it would be the dumpee coming back.

 

At times the dumper may have a change of heart, but it's on them to figure out how to contact dumpee.

 

But more commonly contact by the dumper is just a desire not to be alone, to feel affirmed, and to hook up again. It's not that they want the relationship back, they just want the pieces they liked and hope the dumpee is willing to have a relationship on their new terms.

 

Then finally, the worst kind of dumper contact stems from guilt and even pity ("I want to make sure I didn't hurt you") and this is actually somewhat cruel.

 

So yes, I'd say in your case that she would need to approach you on serious terms, not just a drunk dial. In the meantime, best to assume this won't happen and try to move on. Not easy, I know. Keep your chin up.

[Someone1]

But what if the dumper feels like the dumpee? And either expects or convinces themselves somehow that they are the victim of things that happened?

[Shane Falco]

But what if the dumper feels like the dumpee? And either expects or convinces themselves somehow that they are the victim of things that happened?

 

Even if that was the case, the moment you started begging her back and she resisted she transitioned from "forced dumper" to "dumper".

[Someone1]

Even if that was the case, the moment you started begging her back and she resisted she transitioned from "forced dumper" to "dumper".

 

Then what do you do about it?

[Shane Falco]

Then what do you do about it?

 

Move on. Continue to work on yourself and let life take its course.

[Someone1]

Move on. Continue to work on yourself and let life take its course.

 

Then why are you still here?

[Shane Falco]

Then why are you still here?

 

Because seeing others go through similar things allows me to see my situation more rationally. Plus, I like to try to help people like other people have helped me.

[Someone1]

Because seeing others go through similar things allows me to see my situation more rationally. Plus, I like to try to help people like other people have helped me.

 

Yes but you are not helping me, you come on every thread I create and just utter the most negative thing you can find about it instead of giving helpful advice. It’s not helpful to point out the worst case scenarios everytime. I’m looking for other angles that have worked for others than the most obvious ones that don’t work.

[Shane Falco]

Yes but you are not helping me, you come on every thread I create and just utter the most negative thing you can find about it instead of giving helpful advice. It’s not helpful to point out the worst case scenarios everytime. I’m looking for other angles that have worked then the most obvious ones that don’t work.

 

Being "negative" is helpful in these cases. I'm sorry that I'm not telling you what you want to hear, but those are the breaks. It's more helpful to be honest than to try to delude you. I mean, we all have fits of delusion, I know I do, and having people feed that delusion is counterproductive. But if you want smoke blown up your ass, most posters on here won't do that.

 

And I don't think what I said was negative at all. I didn't say that you were stupid or anything. I mean, if she wants to talk to you she'll come to you. And if she does, respond if you want to if you feel you can handle it. I'm guessing you are probably in a better place than you were before. But initiating right now is not a good call. And I'm not going to change that opinion just because you don't like it.

[Someone1]

You don't who she is and how she reacts, what she thinks and what she admires. If anything she would probably be turning the tables around in her mind making me look like I’m the one who caused the break-up just to justify it.

 

Is that a person I would want? I don't know I just want to make things right.

[Tom1990]

Sounds to me like you're sure she needs to hear from you right now. What are you waiting for?

 

And that's not a rhetorical question, nor a troll or a jibe. If you're positive she wants to hear from you, why not contact her?

[Someone1]

Sounds to me like you're sure she needs to hear from you right now. What are you waiting for?

 

And that's not a rhetorical question, nor a troll or a jibe. If you're positive she wants to hear from you, why not contact her?

 

Because I’m not sure what response I will get! That's why I wonder if she is waiting for me to contact her or not. The no contact that was initiated 3 months ago was caused by an disagreement about how we saw each other, she wanted to stay friends I said I couldn’t she felt like she was loosing someone important from her life, I felt devalued like I was going to be used if I were her friend.

 

And that’s pretty much how we stopped talking to each other.

[Tom1990]

Because I’m not sure what response I will get! That's why I wonder if she is waiting for me to contact her or not. The no contact that was initiated 3 months ago was caused by an disagreement about how we saw each other, she wanted to stay friends I said I couldn’t she felt like she was loosing someone important from her life, I felt devalued like I was going to be used if I were her friend.

 

And that’s pretty much how we stopped talking to each other.

 

So...are you cool just being her friend now?

[Someone1]

So...are you cool just being her friend now?

 

Maybe I don't know...my feelings aren't that clear for me to know what I would feel for her once I get her back...But I know I miss her a lot but at the same time have a hard time trusting her...meaning there is no reason to be friends either...she needs to step her game up first..

[Tom1990]

Maybe I don't know...my feelings aren't that clear for me to know what I would feel for her once I get her back...But I know I miss her a lot but at the same time have a hard time trusting her...meaning there is no reason to be friends either...she needs to step her game up first..

 

I wouldn't count on anyone stepping up their game except you. My little theory is, there's a 1% chance any given day that a dumper wants to hear from the dumpee. And in that case, there's a 1% chance they'll react positively if said dumpee by chance reaches out. So in my crazy computations, you have a .01% chance of having a positive conversation if you reach out at any given day. Yes, there is a chance.

 

For the other 99.99%, I'm thinking it's best to wait until you feel ready to deal with anything thrown at you. I just blocked my ex out, as well as all mutual friends. I won't be contacting any of them until I'm ready to see my ex and her boyfriend all dressed up at a mutual friend's wedding, at which point her boyfriend would probably walk up and introduce himself to me while my ex pretends I don't exist right in front of her.

 

That's my own positive fantasy, that I'm so dang cool with everything that that wouldn't even phase me. So cool that at that hypothetical wedding, everybody would be handing me their hypothetical drinks so I could chill them with my ultra-cool hands.

[Dreamboat]

But what if the dumper feels like the dumpee? And either expects or convinces themselves somehow that they are the victim of things that happened?

 

At some point, people are right here to say wait for the dumper to contact you (if you were the dumpee) not only because you want them to realize they were wrong for dumping you but also to regain the dignity you've lost for them. But in my case (I was the dumpee before), I did contradicts to what most are saying in here. We have a very open, honest and mature relationship with my bf (again now) and we broke up for some space both were needed. He stopped any means of contact but I pushed myself to keep going and constantly contacting him (every after 2 or 3 days). I never gave up and on my emails, I always express my desire for us to be together again and with understanding and acceptance for the reason of our break up. I thought if I would have to stop contacting him and do the NC rule, how would he know I still care and love him and nothing has changed? After 2 weeks of sending him tons of emails, he then responded and he took me back. We are now more closer and happier then we were before. We both feel the loving each one's needed and very excited to hug and kiss each other again.

 

My point being is, you wouldn't lose a piece of you if you contact him once in a while and let him know how you feel and how you think about your relationship. If he's not replying then fine, if he does then good, make a new start. I've come up to a deeper understanding that sometimes, the dumper tests the dumpee on how they react to the break up and how far they've gone from reflecting on what happened and what should be done in their relationship. The dumper needs to feel that the dumpee really cares and has something in mind on what they'll contribute in the relationship further down the line.

[zep]

What did you do to force her to dump you? This is pretty important information!

[Edmund Exley]

You don't who she is and how she reacts, what she thinks and what she admires. If anything she would probably be turning the tables around in her mind making me look like I’m the one who caused the break-up just to justify it.

 

Is that a person I would want? I don't know I just want to make things right.

 

 

Yet you do and you dont know the answer.