When do you know if you've out-grown your friends and have to get rid of them?

[lkm370]

For about the last 2 years Ive hung out and been friends with the same people but lately I've decided at 23 to go back to school and do something with my life. My question is this: I've made a commitment with myself to be successful and work very hard to attain my goals but my friends sort of represent the old me. The old me was an apathetic somewhat party animal. My old friends dont really have any goals. At the risk of sounding very mean but my I feel like my friends are dragging me down and I'm selling myself short when I could be around successful people with the same drive and goals. I have one friend who complains about how much his life sucks but he dosent do anything to change it, and another who has the biggest b**tch of a girlfriend yet he dosent dump her. I'm kind of like I just dont want to hear this anymore or be around it anymore.

 

Should I stop hanging out with them? Would it be ethically okay to get rid of them? Anyone have similar stories?

[RedDress]

I've always found that friendships are like waves. There are times that things are good and you are all about them, and there are times when you've had enough and you aren't really interested in being around them.

 

I'd do the fade. Keep in touch from time to time (every few months) - but yeah, spend a lot less time with them.

 

The thing is, you are young. While these friends don't have goals and are party animals right now, that may change in future. You may also hit a dry patch and run into a time when you really need a friend - you'd be surprised who comes out of the woodwork.

 

Don't burn bridges, just stop crossing them. That would be my advice.

[rosasnyder811]

You don't choose your family. You choose your friends. If you feel you need to leave them behind to move forward, it isn't their decision, it is yours.

[Moontiger]

I have had to cut a number of people out of my life. Do I have a MUCH smaller social circle now? Yes. Am I much happier? Yes.

 

I tried to let things "naturally" end. I would avoid most phone calls, not be available to hang out. But with one girl she just did not get it and ended up showing up at my families house on thanksgiving to tell me what a terrible person I am. I finally had to tell her (it was completely truthful) that my therapist and pointed that that this girl and I had a very unhealthy relationship and it needed to end.

 

Just start doing your thing and if they are not going to come along for the ride that is their choice.

[Dawn717]

Actually, you can be the mirror image of what they can be in the future. You can be their little push to turn their life around once they see the decisions you are making in life. But in a way if they don't give you the 110% for their future then it's best to just leave that heavy weight behind. I had friends who were in college, but they partied and did drugs, but I avoided any people who use any type of escapism to get in the way of their work, grades will drop and your future is kind of in a rut.

[becomingkate]

People grow and change and their needs within friendship changes as well. I have moved on from several friends, although we are FB friends, we don't really hang out anymore.

[pinkelephant]

I think networking is important. You never know what the connection will end up being. I say distance yourself since you're going to be busy anyway. Don't burn bridges. Sure, you're getting serious but every now and again, you'll want to party and those friends will be there to ensure that you have one hell of a time.

 

I'm still friends with people from high school who never even went to university and I'm currently in grad school. I still have things in common with them, although at times, I feel like I outgrew them. We care about different things and I'm much busier and have more to do... but they're definitely the best people I have in my life.

 

It's always good to make new friends. Good to keep old ones too.

 

And a tip, when you're trying to motivate yourself, do surround yourself with people who are just as ambitious and motivated. It will keep you in that mind set and help tremendously.

[Cope and Hope]

Do what you feel is best for you. I've definitely lost touch with some people who didn't have goals up to my level because I refuse to not get where I want to just because some people who I party with from time to time or see during the holidays refuse to get their act together. In short, you'll probably never really "cut them out of your life" completely because I'm sure you'll see them at social gatherings every now and then or during birthdays or whatever but do fade away. Contact will continually decrease, and soon you'll be hanging out with different people more regularly or going to different places than they go during your free time and it ends up naturally taking you all to different places. Such is life.

[EssexMan]

One thing I've found is that the people who remain lifelong friends are not always the ones you'd expect to - the guys you used to hang out with every day may fade into the distance once you move to a new city, for example, while you find yourself unexpectedly keeping in touch with others.

 

And it happens naturally. So there is no need to "dump" friends just because you'd like to move on from them a bit. Unless circumstances like sharing a house actually force you to be with them constantly, you can just start doing stuff without them: it's that easy.

 

If you're going back to school and becoming serious about your career, you'll probably be getting involved in activities that won't appeal to this bunch of friends anyway, so it's not like you'll need to force the separation.

[LovelyLezo]

Don't get rid of them completely, as you don't know what the future holds. There seems to be a misconception in society that when you make changes, you automatically get rewarded with fabulous new friends and that this fabulous new life materialises out of nowhere! That is not always the case (in fact, it's not often the case).

 

"Successful" people (assuming your definition of success commercial success) are not always nice. Don't think that the grass is always greener on the other side!

 

So i'd do as Redress suggested: distance yourself from them, but keep the door open a bit. If i were you, i would focus on what i want and move toward my goal. Leave the door open for some contact when it suits you. That way, you are satisfying both desires. +1 to EssexMan's response.