breaking up is hard to do

[Angel_babygirl]

I have a problem that I am hoping someone can help me with. I am married with one beautiful little girl. Heres the problem: My best friend and I do everything together. We are like to peas in a pod. When she broke up with her girlfriend I was the one to pick up the pieces along with her heart. Yes I said girlfriend. My best friend is a lesbian. Not only that she is a 300 pd dike. I dont care. Shes my best friend and I care for her no matter what. Anyway about a year and a half ago we were at a mutal friends party. I was coming out of the bathroom into the hall which at the time was pitch dark. She appeared in front of me and leaned in and kissed me. I was caught off guard. However I didnt resist either. From that moment on my world took off like a whirlwind. We always did things together with my daughter and we did things just the two of us. No one suspected anything but a strong friendship, not a relationship. I started to withdrawl from my family and my life. I was so totally blown away by her that she was all I thought of or wanted. To everyone looking at me I had the perfect marriage, house, car, life. Which was not all true. I was missing something. I had found it in my best friend. Our relationship became serious by all means. She has bought me two diamond rings and even went as far to propose to me. Said she would wait for me, when the time was right. She showered me with cards, love letters, stuff animals, jewerly, love and most of all just accepting me for who I was. I started imaging myself being with her and only her. I even picked fights with my husband hoping it would cause a blow up between us so I would be able to be with her forever. I told her I was scared, scared of how she made me feel, scared of never feeling this way about anyone. She reassured me by telling me she would NEVERleave me. Over the last 3 months I got scared even more, I mean really scared. I started thinking how would I manage with a 2 year old if I left my husband of 4 years for her? I mean I have no doubt that we would somehow manage, wouldn't we? I became withdrawn from her. Not wanting to be touch, held, kissed or anything. I turned away from everyone. Withdrawing. I tried to explain to her that I was scared of our future together but I am working on it. Just to give me time. She said no problem that she loved me and would always be her. The past couple of weeks I started to come around but to my horror she started to with drawl. She said she needed time to get use to the idea of wanting to touch someone, hold some, kiss someone. I felt horrible. What did I do? I hurt her when I didnt mean to. She said give her time. I told her I would. I mean she has always been there for me. Then over this past weekend I get this heartwrenching message left from her on my cell phone telling me she wants everything to do with my daughter, being there as her "aunt" and that my daughter is the thing she looks forward to, but as far as we are concered she doesnt see her self with anyone right now, including me. I felt betrayed, hurt, confused, angery, and very emotional. This is the one that I had my first lesbian experience with. I called her back and told her she wouldnt ever see my daughter again out of anger. She asked me to meet her so we could talk. I shouldnt have done it. She told me she needed time to get her life back in order and on track ( she lost her house a couple of months back and had to move back in with her mom). She said she loved me more than anything but needed a break. I was crying she was crying. She said "I still want us to be best friends, go and do things together like we use to before all of this. If things happened again between us then we will deal with it when it comes, but right now I need time to get things together. I cant make someone else happy if I am not happy with myself. I love you. deeply." She gave me a big hug and kissed my forehead. I wanted to die. It felt as though my heart was ripped out. Then she calls me on Mothers Day and talks to me like we are old friends. I tried to go along with it but deep down I was dying. Then at the end of our converstation she says " I will call you on your cell phone and leave you messages dont worry." I explained to her not to only because I cant turn my feelings off that quick for her. She respond by saying "I still love you we just need to chill for a while." As I said goodbye and started to hang up the last thing she says is "I love you Angel". Why? I am trying to be so strong and work on my home life with the husband. What do I do? I want to be friends again, but I have these feelings for her. I do love her and told her I wouldnt be able to quit saying it that easliy. I told her also that I cant stop my feelings that quick for you like you can for me. She said that she still has feelings for me but needs time to get her life back. I am so confused, please help. I love her and I love my husband. I am being to think I would be better off away from this planet, cause I dont want to hurt anyone or be the one hurting. [/i][/i]

[SwingFox]

Hello Angel_babygirl,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us for seeking advice. I am sorry to hear that you feel so confused. I understand that you love your husband and your best friend at the same time.

 

Right now there's not much you can do at all about your best friend. She is in a certain situation right now in which she will have to solve some issues that she has. I would want to suggest you to figure out for yourself what you REALLY want out of life. Would you want to be with your husband or with your best friend? I am sorry to say that you will have to choose between them, no matter how hard that is.

 

No matter what you decide, you will have to follow through. Should you decide to stay with your hubby, then I would suggest to inform your best friend as quick as possible. Should you want to end up with your best friend, then it might be a good idea to separate yourself from your husband now, in order not to lead him on any further and longer. Before you get together with your best friend, you will have to heal from your feelings for your husband anyways. Why not now?

 

I know that it might not be easy and there's also your daughter to consider, but I really would advice you to start to think now. I wish you strength and good luck in that. I hope that all works out for you.

 

~ SwingFox ~