Am I overreacting? Or is he a jerk?

[makeupmama]

Hi all,

 

I'm new to the forum, so sorry that I'm starting off with a long story, but I really need some advice so here goes.

 

My back story:

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I have a child from a previous relationship and we also have a child together. He is a recovering drug addict. The past 2 years have been especially rough, with the birth of our child and several relapses on his part. When he started using drugs (again), things got bad. He's stolen from me, lied to me, blown me off...It's been rough. He did a couple stints in rehab and now, due to financial reasons, I'm living with his mother and the kids while he lives in a sober living home temporarily. Throughout all of this, I have supported him (however reluctantly). Recently, he was hired at 2 different jobs and now he works a lot, so I don't see him very often. Which sucks because I hardly see him as it is, what with his sobriety meetings, duties at the sober living home, and other commitments. He and I rarely spend time together, and when we do it's with the kids.

 

My dilemma:

 

All right, so my boyfriend and I are mutual friends on Facebook with a girl that I used to work with. I don't believe they've ever actually met in person; he's just in the habit of friend requesting anyone I work with. Anyway, she is in a similar situation to me--2 babies, 2 dads, one of which is a drug addict--so her and I get along great. She's a good person. But what makes me uncomfortable about the situation is that my boyfriend has been, especially lately, commenting on and liking every single little thing she puts up on Facebook. Some of the comments seem downright flirtatious, which makes me embarrassed because it's online for everyone to see that my boyfriend doesn't take my feelings into consideration.

 

Like last night. She put up a status about a female celebrity whom she said she had a "girl crush" on, and automatically my boyfriend comments with "That is so hot". I confronted him about it because I felt like enough was enough. I've had a weird vibe for about a year that he's into her (based on his Facebook 'body language'), and I never said anything before now because I didn't want him to feel like I was being ridiculous. I'm not a possessive or jealous type by any stretch of the imagination, but when something doesn't feel right, I'm going to say so. Anyway, I texted him last night (since he never answers my calls) that I don't like how fixated he is on this girl, that it makes me uncomfortable, and I asked him why he behaves that way with her. He pays more attention to the things she says online than the things I say to him in real life!

 

He responded with "I feel bad for her and her situation. She's in the same boat you are, with 2 kids and a baby's dad who is a drug addict. I just like her and think she's a cool person, why are you making this bigger than what it is. It's not that big a deal". First of all, the fact that he trivialized my feelings and made me seem like I was overreacting automatically upset me, but to add insult to injury he said that he feels bad for some girl that is in my situation that he doesn't even KNOW, but has no sympathy for his girl (and kids) that he PUT in that same situation. I told him that it hurt my feelings that he spends that much time worrying about her and virtually NONE worrying about his actual family. (He's never around to change diapers, read stories at bedtime, prepare meals, etc....I do all this AND I work) We argued for a bit and he got extremely defensive, saying that I always make big deals out of nothing and that he was going to delete her from his Facebook so that "I could be happy". He claims that I am "So insecure" for thinking he was attracted to one of my friends, and that it would be "stupid on his part" to try to hit on her. I never once said anything mean or accusatory, yet he jumped to the defense right away. It upset me and made me feel like he's lying about being attracted to her or possibly wanting to pursue something with her. As far as I know, it's one-sided. She never reciprocates anything he sends her. But it still hurt me and the fact that he didn't respect our relationship enough in the first place to not be flirty with her just makes me sad.

 

Am I overreacting, like he says? Or is he being a jerk? Help!!

[Heather Dawn]

You're not overreacting, no. But I almost think that this whole issue with the girl on FB is really just a symptom of a much, much bigger issue. This man is toxic for both you your children, and there's really no reason that you should continue to stay with him.

[Anderson Silva]

You have what seem much deeper issues than him "liking" or "commenting" on your good friend's facebook. That in itself is to me a very minor thing when you comare it to issues of him not spending time with his family, relapsing on drugs, working two jobs not having time for you and completely not communicating with you. I agree with you that what he's doing is wrong especially about feeling sorry for her (which I think is total BS) and he doesn't even know her, yet he's got a family at home in the same situation, supposeably he loves them, and no sympathy there. Can I ask why you're still with this individual?

[RedDress]

Yes. Yes, I think he is being a big jerk and yes, I think you are overreacting a little bit.

 

For him I don't know why he's friending a bunch of people he has never met (creepy). And I absolutely think he's wrong to flirt with someone like that who he has never met. I do agree that it's disrespectful to you. I also agree that it's weird that he has time to even think about her situation when - you know - he has a wife and kids at home who miss him and need him. And yes! He put you in that situation! It's fine and dandy to help other people - but right now, he should be worried about his own situation first. So yes, I think he's being a big jerk.

 

For you It doesn't sound (from what you wrote here) that he was trying to trivialize your feelings. He was just expressing that he didn't think the flirtation was that bad (and from what you said he wrote - it doesn't sound that bad, either). And he offered to delete her - which is exactly what he should be doing - so... problem solved, right?

 

I think the intensity of your reaction has more to do with this than it does with what actually went on:

 

He's never around to change diapers, read stories at bedtime, prepare meals, etc....I do all this AND I work

 

... which is probably a much, MUCH bigger problem. The rest? I mean... it's just Facebook. I think that instead you should confront the real problem of the fact that he's never around to help out, which probably makes you feel unloved and unimportant.

[makeupmama]

Thank you for acknowledging both sides of the situation. And yes, I kind of figured I may have overreacted, a little bit. I think it just hurt me that he could have so much sympathy and care so much about a girl he doesn't know, but when it comes to me and his kids, he's not concerned. It's just a matter of respect for me. I feel as though he puts others before his family and it upsets me. Thanks for your response

[pl3asehelp]

Thank you for acknowledging both sides of the situation. And yes, I kind of figured I may have overreacted, a little bit. I think it just hurt me that he could have so much sympathy and care so much about a girl he doesn't know, but when it comes to me and his kids, he's not concerned. It's just a matter of respect for me. I feel as though he puts others before his family and it upsets me. Thanks for your response

 

He doesn't have sympathy or care about her, that's just what he told you. What he wants is to sleep with her.

[rosasnyder811]

Sounds like you two need to get away from Facebook and actually talk to each other.

[Moontiger]

Ok, not the take this thread off topic but I have to ask (and its something I feel you should really think about) why do you choose to have a baby with a repeat drug addict that you had to support, who stole from you, lied, etc? Especially since there was already one child being exposed to this toxic environment?

 

I think you need to drop this guy and just worried about raising your children and providing a stable environment for them.

[rosasnyder811]

Now this is an overreaction. How is this assumption truly helpful?

 

He doesn't have sympathy or care about her, that's just what he told you. What he wants is to sleep with her.

[rosasnyder811]

Amen. I say again, Amen.

 

Ok, not the take this thread off topic but I have to ask (and its something I feel you should really think about) why do you choose to have a baby with a repeat drug addict that you had to support, who stole from you, lied, etc? Especially since there was already one child being exposed to this toxic environment?

 

I think you need to drop this guy and just worried about raising your children and providing a stable environment for them.

[makeupmama]

Ok, not the take this thread off topic but I have to ask (and its something I feel you should really think about) why do you choose to have a baby with a repeat drug addict that you had to support, who stole from you, lied, etc? Especially since there was already one child being exposed to this toxic environment?

 

I think you need to drop this guy and just worried about raising your children and providing a stable environment for them.

 

 

Well, to answer your question (without being too long-winded), things weren't always like that. When I got with him, he was not using drugs. I would never knowingly jeopardize my child's welfare or emotional well-being for a guy. He didn't touch drugs the entire first year of our relationship, and we were happy. I felt 100% comfortable with him being around me and my child. It was not until I became pregnant and nearly full-term that he relapsed, and has had a hard time keeping his sh*t together ever since. Granted, he's been sober for about 3 months now. I didn't consciously choose to have a baby with someone who was going to screw me and my kids over. It's not like I'm attracted to that sort of thing. I'm not blaming him entirely, I do take full responsibility for my choosing to STAY with him. But it is what it is. I had no idea that he was going to put me through half the stuff he did. Not to be rude (because I appreciate your concern), but I didn't post this to be judged on why I decided to be with a drug addict.

 

 

 

 

I don't know, y'all. Ever since I had our baby I've done what most moms do--I gained weight. I focus my attention on my kids and my job, not on my appearance. I dress up and do my makeup as often as I can (at least once a week), but I can only do so much. And I know for a fact that he is no longer attracted to me. He says he is, but he can't even look me in the eye when he does. So when I catch him flirting with another girl online, it's going to raise some red flags for me, considering he does not flirt with me at all anymore. I just don't think he's being totally honest about being attracted to this girl--sexually emotionally, or otherwise.

[rosasnyder811]

You mentioned flat out that he has relapsed.

Therefore, you are jeopardizing your childs' welfare by staying with someone that is in utter turmoil. You're playing with fire here. If you love him, give him some tough love. Don't see him with your child around. Don't commit until you KNOW he is clean and is STAYING that way.

[pl3asehelp]

Do you have experience with addicts? Have you had some support or education from professionals on how to deal with addicts?

[laninaperdida]

2 of the 3 years you've been together have been rough?

That's like 67%.

Just saying.

[Moontiger]

2 of the 3 years you've been together have been rough?

That's like 67%.

Just saying.

 

That would be a F in school. Only getting it right 33% of the time.

[rosasnyder811]

Sorry Mama, but they are saying it as it needs to be said. You have a child, and you are in a relationship with an addict that relapses. Sometimes tough love is the kind of love you need, and we're giving it to you now. If you don't want the advice, don't request it.

You're not being insulted, they are keeping it real. Someone has to---I mean, you have a child. That CHILD is your #1 priority, not someone that is so selfish they can't stay off a chemical for any period of time. He cares about IT more than you, and that isn't going to change until you stand up and say enough is enough.

So forgive people for being harsh with you, but you need to wake up and realize what is important. Feelings aside---your child is more important than this relationship.

 

[makeupmama]

Sorry Mama, but they are saying it as it needs to be said. You have a child, and you are in a relationship with an addict that relapses. Sometimes tough love is the kind of love you need, and we're giving it to you now. If you don't want the advice, don't request it.

You're not being insulted, they are keeping it real. Someone has to---I mean, you have a child. That CHILD is your #1 priority, not someone that is so selfish they can't stay off a chemical for any period of time. He cares about IT more than you, and that isn't going to change until you stand up and say enough is enough.

So forgive people for being harsh with you, but you need to wake up and realize what is important. Feelings aside---your child is more important than this relationship.

 

No, I totally get that. I can take advice with a grain of salt. It's not like I'm sitting in my room crying because some people on the internet said something I didn't want to hear. I am not in denial. I know I am in a bad relationship and I can admit it. I know better than anyone that my kids are more important than anything. But calling me 'desperate' and making snippy comments isn't necessary. That's all. No matter what I say on this forum, it's impossible for anyone on here to know what goes on in my life, so it's not fair to be judgmental. So. Whatevs Let's just try to keep it friendly here, guys.

[Not a rookie]

No, I totally get that. I can take advice with a grain of salt. It's not like I'm sitting in my room crying because some people on the internet said something I didn't want to hear. I am not in denial. I know I am in a bad relationship and I can admit it. I know better than anyone that my kids are more important than anything. But calling me 'desperate' and making snippy comments isn't necessary. That's all. No matter what I say on this forum, it's impossible for anyone on here to know what goes on in my life, so it's not fair to be judgmental. So. Whatevs Let's just try to keep it friendly here, guys.

You are asking us why your partner is not acting logical and sensible. People who take drugs act totally illogical. If your kids were really important you would have left him long time ago.

[SpottiOtti]

Makeupmama, I agree that calling you "desperate" was uncalled for and insulting.

 

Ple3sehelp asked if you had resources for dealing with an addict - have you looked into any of those?

 

Also, I second that your issue with the Facebook thing is just masking the bigger issue of him not being there for you and being a full partner to you. It's almost like you've got three children, not two and a partner.

 

What do you want to do?

[makeupmama]

Makeupmama, I agree that calling you "desperate" was uncalled for and insulting.

 

Ple3sehelp asked if you had resources for dealing with an addict - have you looked into any of those?

 

Also, I second that your issue with the Facebook thing is just masking the bigger issue of him not being there for you and being a full partner to you. It's almost like you've got three children, not two and a partner.

 

What do you want to do?

 

Thanks SpottiOtti, I have looked into a couple places for possible counseling and help. And yes, I fully agree that he is not a complete partner to me. He treats me like a "sometimes" girlfriend and that isn't fair to me, or his kids. We haven't spoken since last night when our little argument happened. He JUST called me (at damn near 3 in the afternoon), saying that he was not sorry about anything and that I had no right to "sit there and treat him like sh*t" and that I was "being a f*cking b*tch".

 

Yeah, I think we're done here.

 

Thanks guys!

[pl3asehelp]

Thanks SpottiOtti, I have looked into a couple places for possible counseling and help. And yes, I fully agree that he is not a complete partner to me. He treats me like a "sometimes" girlfriend and that isn't fair to me, or his kids. We haven't spoken since last night when our little argument happened. He JUST called me (at damn near 3 in the afternoon), saying that he was not sorry about anything and that I had no right to "sit there and treat him like sh*t" and that I was "being a f*cking b*tch".

 

Yeah, I think we're done here.

 

Thanks guys!

 

Is looking into as far as you've gotten? No other family members or friends in your past with addiction problems you had to deal with? If not and you haven't gotten past just looking into support resources and education, you have no idea what you're dealing with - a tiger by the tail as they say. I really urge you to make this your number one priority if you want him around the kids. You're have an entirely, and I stress that, entirely different perspective.

[rosasnyder811]

Verbal abuse.

[SpottiOtti]

Oh, wow. Yeah, I think you should listen to ple3sehelp because he is absolutely right. And rosa too - that is verbal abuse on top of everything else. This guy has bigtime issues, mama. It sounds like he is getting extremely defensive instead of allowing you to talk about your fears and concerns.

 

Another poster said something I thought striking. She said that she had this "messianic" tendency to try to lead by example, to show someone how to be a better person. I have also felt that way in the past. Is that how you feel? I have learned that you just can't do it. You can try to lead by example but no one changes unless they really want to change.

[bulletproof]

 

Also, I second that your issue with the Facebook thing is just masking the bigger issue of him not being there for you and being a full partner to you.

 

I agree. A post on facebook should be the last thing on your list to worry about. I think a lot of people can relate to focusing on small issues to avoid confronting the much larger ones. In this case, drug problems, calling you a f****** b****, how this affects your children, etc.

[TheRawTruth]

OK. You're BOTH WRONG here, but for different reasons.

 

You're wrong for DEALING with his bull****, and HE'S wrong for GIVING it to you.

 

You said he got defensive when you confronted him. You said you didn't accuse him of anything. Look, he's not stupid and neither are we. If a woman confronts a man about the attention he's giving another girl (especially a friend of hers) it's because she's concerned, jealous, insecure, OR because she thinks something's up. You may not have SAID he was interested in her or flirting, but the fact that you BROUGHT IT UP says it bothers you. And it tells HIM you're ACCUSING him. (Whether you are or not.) So if you're accusing him (or asking why he's so into showing her attention, which is the same thing) wouldn't you EXPECT him to be defensive?

 

Getting to a more IMPORTANT question though, why would you say HE put you/your kids in this situation? He didn't. YOU did. Nobody told you to keep dealing with this dope after everything he's done to you. YOU chose to be there. I could SEE if he controlled the purse strings. But you said YOU support him. If you support him AND the kids, and he's not even THERE for you guys, why is he even in the PICTURE? Get RID of him!

 

Here's a guy who has lied to you, stolen from you, minimizes your feelings, barely addresses your concerns, doesn't answer your calls, and isn't around a lot (though you say that's due to his job/rehab). Does this sound like a guy (on paper) you'd want to be with? Or someone you'd want your sister or daughter to be with? To me, the guy sounds like a loser. Plain and simple. (If he was a winner, you wouldn't have so many complaints.) And if you stay with him, you'll be a loser as well.