Did my ex just wean herself off me or is there hope?

[DonDraper32]

Was in an eight month relationship with a GF who lives an hour and half away and is in her last semester of college.

 

Three weeks ago she told me she thought she needed space and that we should take a break and that it'd be what's best for our relationship. When I asked, she told me she didn't want it to be permanent and that she saw a future for us, but she also couldn't give us a timetable.

 

I told her I wouldn't contact her and she texted and called every day, most times to feed her ego I now realize, and I would always do just that, twice begging her to get back together.

 

We fought for two days because a girl wrote on my Facebook wall implying we were going on a date. Once the fight ended, I told her things needed to change and that we either need to get back together and just end this. She didn't want to do either, stating she didn't want to lose me but didn't think she had gotten the space she needed (even though she initiated all contact).

 

I suggested a one week NC period, and then we'd see where we stood. She agreed and sounded optimistic about it. She broke it once early on for something small, but other than that, it's been no contact for four days now.

 

We're supposed to talk Thursday. My question: with the contact we had for two weeks, did she just wean herself off of me, or is there any hope she'll want to get back together? What do I do if she tells me she needs more time? I'm really anxious about this, but after reading the NC thread, I fear she just weaned herself off me.

[pl3asehelp]

I think it's over and wouldn't have agreed to any kind of break in the first place. You either want to be with someone or you don't.

[rosasnyder811]

No contact is childish. By the way, if you agree to give each other space by not talking for a week, it is not no contact. It is simply giving each other space for a week.

 

Give her the time she needs, stop pushing her. Stay in contact, just check in every once and awhile and ask her if she is okay, how she is doing, etc. Don't talk about the relationship, don't push her, don't do any of that. Let her lead.

If she contacts you, definitely do NOT ignore her. If you respond and she doesn't right away, don't get anxious and start mass texting her. Give her time. If she sees you are still needy and clingy (which is what you show when you beg to get back together), she is going to stay away.

When she sees that she can have a conversation with you without pressure of getting back together, then she may start opening up to you.

[rosasnyder811]

I think it's over and wouldn't have agreed to any kind of break in the first place. You either want to be with someone or you don't.

 

No. This is not true. Many people feel smothered and need some space in order to determine what they want. This cut and dry approach to relationships that the fast paced world has brought in this day and age is ssilly. There is no "cut and dry" or "black and white" when it comes to love. People really need to stop this way of thinking because they are throwing many great potential relationships out the window because they don't want to work at them.

[DonDraper32]

Alright, well both of these replies go against everything that I've read on this forum.

 

And I don't know if this changes, but we used to talk all day, every day when we dated, so one week of NC is a lot for us.

[rosasnyder811]

A lot of what you read on this forum is the Internet fad of no contact, which is not proven, and in fact studies have shown it has the opposite effect of what people claim it does. Even if a couple gets back together, they get back together from game playing, which is silly.

If you care about each other, you communicate. It's that simple. One of the most basic keys to having a successful relationship is communication.

Game playing has no place in love, which is what No contact is.

 

Alright, well both of these replies go against everything that I've read on this forum.

 

And I don't know if this changes, but we used to talk all day, every day when we dated, so one week of NC is a lot for us.

[pl3asehelp]

No. This is not true. Many people feel smothered and need some space in order to determine what they want. This cut and dry approach to relationships that the fast paced world has brought in this day and age is ssilly. There is no "cut and dry" or "black and white" when it comes to love. People really need to stop this way of thinking because they are throwing many great potential relationships out the window because they don't want to work at them.

 

I totally disagree. If she needs space to determine what she wants, then she isn't positive she wants to be in a relationship with him. There's no need to settle for someone who isn't sure how they feel about you when they're already been with you and know what it's like. It's completely selfish to expect others to wait around on you while you figure out what it is that you want. Selfish entitlement. So taking 'breaks' is the way to go about making a potential relationship work? I don't think so.

[HeatherB]

Most of the discussion about NC on the forum, from what I understand, is about NC after breaking up. Not when on a break. Strategy-wise, your best bet is to turn the tables on her. Let her know you're not available on Thursday and that you would like a bit longer with no contact. Don't respond to any messages from her during that time. Then, if you still want to, set a time to talk.

 

I doubt she has some grand plan behind what she is doing. She wants you around yet doesn't. And so far it's all been on her terms. Let her experience your genuine absence. So far she hasn't had to face it. That will get her attention focused back where it belongs: on whether or not she is all in when it comes to a relationship with you.

[rosasnyder811]

This is a game. You are asking him to manipulate her into wanting him, instead of communicating effectively. Do you think this is the best way?

 

Most of the discussion about NC on the forum, from what I understand, is about NC after breaking up. Not when on a break. Strategy-wise, your best bet is to turn the tables on her. Let her know you're not available on Thursday and that you would like a bit longer with no contact. Don't respond to any messages from her during that time. Then, if you still want to, set a time to talk.

 

I doubt she has some grand plan behind what she is doing. She wants you around yet doesn't. And so far it's all been on her terms. Let her experience your genuine absence. So far she hasn't had to face it. That will get her attention focused back where it belongs: on whether or not she is all in when it comes to a relationship with you.

[diane0620]

Give her some space if she asks for space. INSTANTLY don't delay, don't contact her and don't beg. Give her the opposite of what she expects. In my opinion, long distance relationships are easier to break because there is already a bit of distance. I would give her the illusion that my life will not stop just because you need a break, unless there are conditions to the break like not dating other people.

[rosasnyder811]

So, instead of hanging around for someone he cares about, he should just move on simply because it is hard?

Sorry, but there is a little bit more to love than that. Just moving on to someone else because you are not willing to wait is equally as selfish. It works both ways.

I'm trying to help him get her back, which is what he asked for help with, not how to get rid of her.

 

I totally disagree. If she needs space to determine what she wants, then she isn't positive she wants to be in a relationship with him. There's no need to settle for someone who isn't sure how they feel about you when they're already been with you and know what it's like. It's completely selfish to expect others to wait around on you while you figure out what it is that you want. Selfish entitlement. So taking 'breaks' is the way to go about making a potential relationship work? I don't think so.

[pl3asehelp]

So, instead of hanging around for someone he cares about, he should just move on simply because it is hard?

Sorry, but there is a little bit more to love than that. Just moving on to someone else because you are not willing to wait is equally as selfish. It works both ways.

I'm trying to help him get her back, which is what he asked for help with, not how to get rid of her.

 

Not because it is hard, but because he deserves to be with someone who also wants to be with him. I don't think it's selfish to expect that in a relationship - it relates to the self, but not at anyone else's expense. He didn't ask for help getting her back in the OP, just asked if there was hope and I don't think there is. She knows what it's like to be with him, if she wanted to, she would. This break is about her wanting something/somebody else. I think by telling her 'no, i won't accept a break' she may decide to get back together, but doubt it, but it's far better than waiting around while she sees who else might be fun to date.

[HeatherB]

This is a game. You are asking him to manipulate her into wanting him, instead of communicating effectively. Do you think this is the best way?

 

You can't effectively communicate with someone who is only available when they want to be. Your advice is sound for people who are in relationships. But this guy is in limboland at the moment, and not by his own design. Are you suggesting he ignore her wishes and refuse to acknowledge her demands for space? Or would it be better for him to continue to support her wishywashy behavior?

 

Trying to get what you want from another person or attempting to change another's mind always employs an element of persuasion. Even making a request in a palatable and polite way could be called manipulation by some. The only way to forever avoid accusations of game playing is to say nothing and do nothing that could be perceived as giving yourself any advantage. I think people are happiest when powerful in their actions and strong in their boundaries. And that going after what you want, while respecting others' boundaries and wishes, is a good thing. It's fine if we disagree.

[DonDraper32]

I see what you're saying, but I have her her space and she didn't take it. I had to force it on her, because I knew she'd never come running back to me if she knew I was always there at her beck and call as a friend.

[itsallgrand]

Most of the discussion about NC on the forum, from what I understand, is about NC after breaking up. Not when on a break. Strategy-wise, your best bet is to turn the tables on her. Let her know you're not available on Thursday and that you would like a bit longer with no contact. Don't respond to any messages from her during that time. Then, if you still want to, set a time to talk.

 

I doubt she has some grand plan behind what she is doing. She wants you around yet doesn't. And so far it's all been on her terms. Let her experience your genuine absence. So far she hasn't had to face it. That will get her attention focused back where it belongs: on whether or not she is all in when it comes to a relationship with you.

 

Totally agree.

 

I think it's mean of her to be doing what she is doing. Many people would have cut the strings already (on your end) the minute she said "I want a break...but want to get back together, just can't tell ya when!". Uhh, yeah right?!

 

And then she goes and contacts you anyways, AND gets on your back about what you do or don't do on Facebook?! Totally unacceptable, IMO.

 

If she wants space, give her space. But that means SPACE and because it takes two to make a relationship, you get a say too you know in what that means. Does it mean you need a time line - how much time and remaining exclusive, no outside dating and no other bs?

Does it mean you don't tolerate "breaks" for no good reason, and if it's a break...it's a break UP?

 

The point is : you decide.

 

But since you seem ambivalent yourself about taking the reigns here, I agree with Heather. Alright, she asked for space, so do it proper and get back to her when you are ready too. Not only on her terms.

 

This isn't for the sake of game playing but so you don't get suckered in further to HER gaming. Not that she is necessarily doing it intentionally, but she is definitely jerking you around. Not acceptable for a person who wants to retain their self dignity.

 

My boss just said something funny about this concept of "breaks" today. He was speaking of his son, and how he came for dinner and when the boss asked him where is the gf, he said "well we are taking a two week break." My boss said "what does that even mean?" LOL. I said - it means basically mutually agreeing to be able to sleep with other people and do what you otherwise wouldn't do in the relationship and it's considered as though "it doesn't count, cause we were on a break!". He just laughed his head off and asked, so I wonder if my wife would let me back in the bed if I asked her for a break?! LOL. Not likely, right!

 

It may be more common now to announce "let's have a break" but that doesn't make it any more sensible than it ever was. I agree with pleasehelp in terms of : you are either in or out. That doesn't mean you can't have your crisis' and time to yourself - but you are in the relationship or not. What makes a relationship is being there for each other.

 

good luck OP.

[HeatherB]

I see what you're saying, but I have her her space and she didn't take it. I had to force it on her, because I knew she'd never come running back to me if she knew I was always there at her beck and call as a friend.

 

I think you're on to something and should keep at it. Don't respond to her attempts to contact you. For a while.

[rosasnyder811]

It is sound for people that are out of relationships that still care for one another, too.

My fiancee left me for a few months because she wasn't sure about us, mostly because of things that I had done to make her question that. She had her space, she came back, and we are now engaged.

Tell me that is a failure?

I'm just using me as an example, however, there are countless people that have received this advice that are now back together successfully. I can count on half a hand how many people I have given this advice to, and they have decided to go the manipulative route instead---and have been successful.

 

There is nothing wrong about waiting for someone or giving them space. She has not said she doesn't want a relationship with him. She has said she needs time to think. It is not selfish for a person to question a relationship, it is natural. We are human and we should always question when things are still new.

No contact is manipulation. It is abusive, actually. You are using hurt in order to get what you want, and that is wrong. Communication without pressure is how you get someone back successfully.

If she asked for space, and he decides he's not going to wait, well, he never really cared that much to begin with. When you care about someone, you should be willing to wait if that is what they need at that moment.

If you can't give your partner what they need, you shouldn't be in a relationship to begin with, and sometimes what our partner needs is not always what we want. Sacrifice is part of a relationship, too. However, the 21st century way of thinking is--- if it is hard, give up.

That's really pretty pathetic, in my opinion.

Would you rather do the hard work to get your partner back in your life, knowing that you did it without manipulation, or would you rather get them back knowing you manipulated them, and it is really just a lie? I would rather feel good knowing I did the hard work needed to bring us back together, not just simply threw them out the door because I didn't care about their needs.

[pl3asehelp]

I like your idea that people now are lazy, but it's his gf who isn't willing to put in the hard effort of staying in her relationship while she has doubts and working on them with her partner - instead she chooses the easy and selfish way of 'i want a break, you wait for me'.

[rosasnyder811]

You also have to consider the fact that he was being needy and pushy at the onset, giving her ultimatums and what-not. This has the effect of pushing the partner away a bit. So, he needs to give her some more time. They have been in contact, but the form of contact needs to be adjusted to no pressure contact. If she feels pressure, she is going to keep pulling away. If instead of pressuring her, he just responds casually and shows that he cares without being overbearing, she will start opening up again.

There is nothing to indicate she doesn't want to be with him, however I'm concerned that people are just jumping to the "get away from her" response, when that does not seem to be what she wants at all, she just wants time.

Sometimes we smother each other---and we need some space.

Just let her have some, and wait to see how the conversation goes. But, when the conversation happens, let her lead it---don't push her.

It isn't easy for her, either. So, although you say she isn't putting in hard work---it is hard to distance yourself from someone that you have been close to. She may not be going about it the best way, but for her at the moment it may be the best way, and if he just opens himself to what she is saying--she will respect him for respecting her. If she doesn't, then he will know she didn't care enough to begin with. So either way, you get your answer.

 

I like your idea that people now are lazy, but it's his gf who isn't willing to put in the hard effort of staying in her relationship while she has doubts and working on them with her partner - instead she chooses the easy and selfish way of 'i want a break, you wait for me'.

[DonDraper32]

I get what you're saying. FWIW, we did agree not to be with other people during our 1-week no contact break, if that changes anything.

 

All I think I can do is wait. If she wants to get back with me, great, but to be honest that would shock me.

 

If she does anything other than say she's ready for that, I think it's time for me to walk. Every time I've shown a willingness to do that, she's come back, and after three weeks, I can't wait any more. Thanks to the Facebook post, she knows I have other options, and I know I do too. It just sucks, because she's who I want to be with.

[pl3asehelp]

Her asking for a break is the indication she doesn't want to be with him. If she felt smothered, the right course of action was to communicate that to her partner and together they come up with a plan to address that. Not to go on a break. And all this letting her lead and make all the decisions is totally one sided, which is not how healthy relationships work. He should give her another ultimatum right now - pressure is exactly what she needs. You can't walk all over people like this - it's just mean.

[DonDraper32]

Also, I get the "if you won't wait, you don't love her anyways" line of thinking, but that's crap. What am I suppose to do? Sit around, let her be with other people, and hope she comes back while she uses me emotionally every time she needs me? Come on. This is a two-way street and we have things we need to work on, but for me to wait for her because that's what she wants seems extraordinarily selfish, especially without any timetable.

[itsallgrand]

Also, I get the "if you won't wait, you don't love her anyways" line of thinking, but that's crap. What am I suppose to do? Sit around, let her be with other people, and hope she comes back while she uses me emotionally every time she needs me? Come on. This is a two-way street and we have things we need to work on, but for me to wait for her because that's what she wants seems extraordinarily selfish, especially without any timetable.

 

Right on, mate!

 

So you will be waiting the week she asked for, and then you will be wanting to hear if she is in or out, right? Seems fair to me.

[DonDraper32]

Right on, mate!

 

So you will be waiting the week she asked for, and then you will be wanting to hear if she is in or out, right? Seems fair to me.

 

Right. I said let's give this one week, no contact, and then see where we stand. She agreed and I made sure that was enough time for us and she said yes. I don't know what's going to change or if she'll miss me more or what, but I need a clear and definitive answer for the direction of our relationship, if there even is one.

[DonDraper32]

Right on, mate!

 

So you will be waiting the week she asked for, and then you will be wanting to hear if she is in or out, right? Seems fair to me.

 

Right. I said let's give this one week, no contact, and then see where we stand. She agreed and I made sure that was enough time for us and she said yes. I don't know what's going to change or if she'll miss me more or what, but I need a clear and definitive answer for the direction of our relationship, if there even is one.