My so-called friend is dating my ex. (insert curse word here)

[faerietale]

When my ex and I were going through rough times up until the moment we broke up, I talked to her. She was among his circle of friends but she was going through a similar breakup with her ex at the time so we instantly connected and began to confide in each other. I told her a lot of information regarding why we broke up and how he treated me. She comforted me and also confided in me about her own break up.

 

Fast forward almost a year later.

I am now in a very happy and healthy relationship. She and I don't talk as much anymore since we both have very busy lives. About a month ago around the holidays, I messaged her to see how she was doing. She said she wasn't dating anyone and is happy being single.

 

A few weeks after that, I find out through a mutual friend that she had been dating my ex and they are keeping it on the down low until it becomes official. According to that source, she does not want it to become official yet because she is afraid of ruining her "friendship" with me.

 

I don't know what to even say or do with this because I know the type of person he is and I know he's not going to treat her very well. I'm surprised that she is even dating him since she heard a lot of bad things about him through other people and through me. I feel a bit betrayed since I confided in her and yet she still chose to be with him.

 

I know you're going to say just to dump her and forget about it since they deserve each other, but a part of me is just so uneasy and restless regarding this situation since she still thinks we're good friends and yet she's doing this behind my back. Should I confront her? If so, what am I to say? I want to kick him in the balls so bad.

[winniethepooh]

I know you're going to say just to dump her and forget about it since they deserve each other,

Dump who? I read this repeatedly and have no idea who is going out with who.

 

If you're friends with someone, why does it bother you who they go out with? Don't you want them to be happy?

 

If you're friends with an ex, then I think that's the best test of whether you genuinely want to be their friend or have a hidden agenda - if you ex can go out with your best friend or close relative, and you're happy for the both of them, then you are a genuine friend. If you're upset, then you're deceiving yourself and them, and anyone else, about the nature of your friendship.

[tjcalif]

First I would like to say I am sorry. You are not only losing your BF ( Best Friend- Lover ) and one of your closest friends..

This happened to me. I was so upset. Mainly with my best friend. I loved her and just really liked our friendship. I miss her now and it really hurts. As for the ex well I cant say I miss him at all lol..

I hope this helps

I feel better just writing about this To this day I get pissed off at her for betraying me in that way..

[ShyGirl12]

Yikes. This is definitely painful, but I would say just keep her at a distance. A year has passed and you are in a new relationship that you are happy with. She's pretty silly for walking into a situation with someone she already knows isn't that much of a great person and she probably won't get anything much out of it, but it's not your issue. Let it be. The fact that she's hiding it from you shows the type of person she is.

 

A friend of mine, very similar to the girl you described, actually tried to hook up with an ex of mine not even two full months after our break up. I did end our friendship because that feeling of betrayal was unreal. However, if this had taken place a year after we were together and I found another man that I was completely happy with, I'd only pity her for going after my left overs.

 

I understand why you'd be upset, but they aren't worth it. Don't confront her, but let her know how you feel if she ever does reach out to you about this.

[faerietale]

Dump who? I read this repeatedly and have no idea who is going out with who.

 

If you're friends with someone, why does it bother you who they go out with? Don't you want them to be happy?

 

If you're friends with an ex, then I think that's the best test of whether you genuinely want to be their friend or have a hidden agenda - if you ex can go out with your best friend or close relative, and you're happy for the both of them, then you are a genuine friend. If you're upset, then you're deceiving yourself and them, and anyone else, about the nature of your friendship.

 

I don't think you read my post at all because your comments are not relevant to my post. Let me put it a simpler terms for you:

 

A and B (me) broke up-- > B confided in C --> C is now dating A

 

To answer your questions:

 

If you're friends with someone, why does it bother you who they go out with? Don't you want them to be happy?

 

It does bother me when that friend is dating my ex, the person who broke my heart and might have possibly cheated on me, therefore, he's a jerk. It bothers me because that is the friend whom I confided in about my break up, who was my shoulder to cry on and yet this friend is now dating the same jerk that did me wrong.

 

If you're friends with an ex, then I think that's the best test of whether you genuinely want to be their friend or have a hidden agenda - if you ex can go out with your best friend or close relative, and you're happy for the both of them, then you are a genuine friend. If you're upset, then you're deceiving yourself and them, and anyone else, about the nature of your friendship.

 

This is easy. I am NOT friends with my ex. Even if I was, I would not want my ex to date my best friend or close relative because I am not a saint and will flip a table. How am I deceiving myself if I am upset? I read your posts over and over and I don't get it, either.

[winniethepooh]

I don't think you read my post at all because your comments are not relevant to my post.

My comments were a general stab in the dark attempt because I couldn't follow your post.

 

Let me put it a simpler terms for you:

 

A and B (me) broke up-- > B confided in C --> C is now dating A

Thank you.

 

However, there is causality implied in that statement which might not be valid.

 

It does bother me when that friend is dating my ex,

Yes, I understand why now. What would bother me more is that my friend went behind my back. If my friend wants to date an ex, then that's up to them - the ex is an ex. When she's properly an ex, then I don't care what she does any more. Of course, depending on why she became an ex, I might not want to have any more to do with them if a friend starts dating her.

 

You have that choice now.

 

the person who broke my heart and might have possibly cheated on me, therefore, he's a jerk. It bothers me because that is the friend whom I confided in about my break up, who was my shoulder to cry on and yet this friend is now dating the same jerk that did me wrong.

Well until you talk to her, and assuming she's honest with you, you don't know the sequence of events - and you said it's a year later.

 

This is easy. I am NOT friends with my ex. Even if I was, I would not want my ex to date my best friend or close relative because I am not a saint and will flip a table. How am I deceiving myself if I am upset? I read your posts over and over and I don't get it, either.

If you aren't or don't want to be friends with your ex, then my comments about that don't really apply.

 

She comforted me and also confided in me about her own break up.

That is something to be appreciated.

 

Fast forward almost a year later.

I am now in a very happy and healthy relationship.

Good to hear.

 

A few weeks after that, I find out through a mutual friend that she had been dating my ex and they are keeping it on the down low until it becomes official. According to that source, she does not want it to become official yet because she is afraid of ruining her "friendship" with me.

Apparently an accurate observation on her part, given what you said in this topic.

 

I don't know what to even say or do with this

Lose the friendship for her. Sounds like you're annoyed with her anyway, why bother remaining friends with people who annoy you?

 

because I know the type of person he is and I know he's not going to treat her very well.

Wait, are you concerned for her well-being or annoyed at her going behind your back? If the latter, then why aren't you happy about the thought that he might treat her badly and she'll get what she deserves for going behind your back?

 

I'm surprised that she is even dating him since she heard a lot of bad things about him through other people and through me. I feel a bit betrayed since I confided in her and yet she still chose to be with him.

People do surprising things sometimes.

 

I know you're going to say just to dump her and forget about it since they deserve each other, but a part of me is just so uneasy and restless regarding this situation since she still thinks we're good friends and yet she's doing this behind my back. Should I confront her? If so, what am I to say? I want to kick him in the balls so bad.

Him? What did he do? Don't you want to kick her? Maybe she used all that information you supplied to manipulate her way into his pants.

 

The question is not whether or not you should dump her or confront her, it's whether or not you want to.

 

Personally, I would get ahead of the situation, tell her that I heard she's going out with my ex and I no longer want to have anything to do with her but good luck anyway. Or I would just completely ignore her but I don't like that option unless I know the information I have is accurate - and I don't trust mutual friends to always be accurate. That's on the assumption I still had feelings for my ex and didn't want to have anything to do with him. If I genuinely didn't care, then I'd still be annoyed at her for going behind my back but maybe that could be cleared up, maybe not.

[chickydoodle]

Q. Is he using her to get at you and she is being nieve?

 

Try and identify what eactly it is you are feeling and Try not to take any action when emotional.

 

Perhaps the fact it is something they 'shouldnt do' - makes it exciting for now, in a juvenile way.

 

Give them enough rope....give them your blessing.....would be the best revenge.

Dont try and warn her , she'll find out soon enough what he's really like.

Pretend you are okay with it- then the r'ship will diminsh in excitment for them - IMO

Act cool and DONT give her any advice regarding him and Dont be around for her when the sh't hits the fan and she needs a shoulder to cry on. She LIED to you regarding being single and happy.

 

Just bide your time and focus on what you have in your new r'ship.

Keep your dignity.

[faerietale]

I think I am upset because the person whom I confided in, I thought was on my side and yet she proved otherwise. I guess I'm also disappointed because despite hearing my horror stories of how he treated me and these horrific stories were also confirmed by our friends, she still chose to date him. I don't know if I should feel sorry for her for being so stupid or feel mad at her because she wasn't really on my side in the first place.

[faerietale]

Hmm.. now that I think about after posting that last post, I realize that I don't need these types of people in my lives. I don't think I'm going to bother confronting her or even wishing her the best because she doesn't deserve any of that. I don't hope that he hurts her, I wouldn't wish that on my best enemy, but I for sure will not be there if things do go wrong.

[chickydoodle]

because despite hearing my horror stories of how he treated me and these horrific stories were also confirmed by our friends, she still chose to date him. I don't know if I should feel sorry for her for being so stupid or feel mad at her ...

 

She obviously thinks she is different and he would NEVER treat her like that.

 

Which would suggest she never really understood your pain when confiding in her during the bad times - for whatever reason.

Either way, whatever was said or done....Let them on with it . They deserve each other. Keep moving forward.

[EssexMan]

To be honest, I'd just ignore the issue (unless she starts wanting to discuss relationships with you again, in which case you tell her that's an awkward situation you don't want to be in).

 

A year has passed.

 

Like you said, you're not in touch with her so much anyway.

 

You're in a new relationship, why shouldn't your friend be and why shouldn't your ex be?

 

Maybe (difficult as I know it is to believe) they actually get on fine and it has nothing to do with you.

 

Maybe even discussing your BU with you has given her insight into him that you lacked during your relationship.

[bulletproof]

I think I am upset because the person whom I confided in, I thought was on my side and yet she proved otherwise. I guess I'm also disappointed because despite hearing my horror stories of how he treated me and these horrific stories were also confirmed by our friends, she still chose to date him.

 

She was on "your side" when you were talking about him. What she's doing now has nothing to do with how she consoled you then. They are completely separate issues.

 

It seems like you think she didn't listen to you or didn't believe you, because she's choosing to date him now. But she might think that he's changed a lot in a year, or perhaps he's expressed some regret about how he treated you. She may also feel that the dynamic between the two of them is very different and therefore may not be subject to the same issues that you two had.

 

It's been an entire year. You are in a relationship. You are barely in touch with her, and she was a contact you made through him. I'm not sure why this would even be an issue for you.

[faerietale]

^ I guess now that I think about it, I'm mainly bothered because I feel as though he doesn't deserve someone great after the way he treated me, but that's just my own personal issue with him. I think I need to just let them be because you're right, it shouldn't be any of my business anymore.

[FYI]

^ I guess now that I think about it, I'm mainly bothered because I feel as though he doesn't deserve someone great after the way he treated me, but that's just my own personal issue with him. I think I need to just let them be because you're right, it shouldn't be any of my business anymore.

 

Especially because you've moved on and you're involved with someone else who is completely separate from that circle. I say let them do business (romantically) as they chose and limit your communication with the both of them if it bothers you that much.

[metrogirl]

I think I am upset because the person whom I confided in, I thought was on my side and yet she proved otherwise. I guess I'm also disappointed because despite hearing my horror stories of how he treated me and these horrific stories were also confirmed by our friends, she still chose to date him. I don't know if I should feel sorry for her for being so stupid or feel mad at her because she wasn't really on my side in the first place.

 

 

She may have been on your side at the time and who knows what happened that made her see him in a different light. Some people want to save others, maybe she thought/thinks that he will change his ways if he is with her and he may or may not but that will be her dilemma to deal with when the time comes.

 

I will say in my circle of friends we sort of have a code of conduct where we don't date anyone that the other has dated, just to avoid hard feelings.

[faerietale]

That's a good plan. My ex's group has the tendency to hook up and date among themselves all the time.

[metrogirl]

That's a good plan. My ex's group has the tendency to hook up and date among themselves all the time.

 

I would/could never do that.

[faerietale]

That's because you have something called class and dignity, which he and his friends obviously did not.

[dumPI]

Had that happen to me some years back. Best friend married her. And that ended every contact for years. Now 3,5 years after wedding. 7 years after ex I couldn't care less but I never talk more than "hi"/"bye" to friend and the like with ex

[nfperception]

Why would she have to go through great lengths to keep this information from you, if she considers you such a great friend? Doesn't sound like much of a "friend" to me, but that's just my opinion.