Becoming emotionally independant

[jimbobday]

Where to start with this one. Well I've struggled with not really knowing myself or being to sure of myself my whole life. I had trouble making friends and went through lonely periods at high school. I've always excelled academically and found myself as a leader at my first job which increased my social circle dramatically. I also learned early on that by people pleasing and putting on an act some people will like me, this was due to me not liking me and not accepting who I was.

 

Fast forward to now. I'm 27 and still have trouble moving out of my parents place. I've moved out for a few short stints which all ended in disaster of some sort. The first two were due to a breakup which I just couldn't handle and it sent me into a deep depression. The last one I felt very lonely and this seemed to spiral down and down. Then my flat disbanded so I moved out. I get into these ruts where I wonder what is wrong with me and how can I fix myself which leads to obsessively searching the internet to find the answer to what is wrong. I also distract myself with TV, Internet, Smoking, Drinking and food to avoid the pain. I get to points where I just want a normal life like some of my friends where they have their own house, a girlfriend and a great social life and this makes me wonder more and more what is wrong with me.

 

I've been through therapy for 1.5 years with a therapist that I got on well with, I also joined a mens group which focuses on being real and accepting yourself. I've changed my life style a lot having lost 20kg and changed my eating to be more natural to help my moods. I've been socialising as much as possible as well as cutting drinking down to once a week, I've also cut down on the TV watching. I was on various antidepressants for 3 years unfortunately none of which really helped. The therapy and mens group have helped a bit though.

 

I'm trying to be as objective as possible here without sounding like a victim to my own emotions. This was both a bit of a rant of frustration as well as asking for any advice anyone might have?

[cocoon2012]

there is a difference between joy and pleasure,..like the difference between light and heat....you are talking about fixing your "SELF">>...who is that self?...is he imported or universal?...a universal self is a joyful one ,whereas an imported self (self importance) is a pleasure seeking and and addictive one.... victim of e-motion!..(energy in motion)...the basic emotion is wonderment...wonderment is renewal, joy and life...do you live your wonderment or your fears?...

[Celadon]

You remind me of me. Seems like it's so easy for some people to take life as it comes, to have fun, experience close relationships, be satisfied with life. But for others of us, getting going in life is just plain complicated, full of fits and starts.

 

If this helps any, I'll share what I've learned.

 

1. Depression is sometimes a mask for anxiety, the underlying cause. I am given to anxiety, but it can result in depression. As an anxious person, I can't handle too many stressful situations, I need more time for myself, I need to know I am loved. I have to arrange my life, make good choices, so that I can avoid continuous cycles of anxiety, which only serves to keep you on the hamster wheel, not going anywhere. Sounds like you've had some setbacks (understandable after breakups) that have kept you from moving forward. If anxiety is your issue, too, try to focus on relaxing -- deep breathing, meditation, etc.

 

2. Other people's lives are not always what they look like. We see the outsides, not the insides. Thinking "They have it all; I have nothing" is extreme thinking, which is not helpful. Not productive. Just focus on you.

 

3. Have you tried exercise? There's something weirdly beneficial about getting out and sweating. I don't do it as much as I should, but it releases chemicals in your brain that help you get your mind off of your feelings.

 

4. What do you enjoy? What would you like to try that's new? What activities or hobbies would you like to try? Life has to be about more than dealing with your problems. You need and deserve to start building up your positive side -- the things that will attract like-minded people to you.

 

5. And yes, being too attached or attentive to our emotions can keep us from becoming truly stable. Not sure what to say about that except to remember to treat emotions as waves. They come, but then they will go. Don't hang onto them when they come. Wait patiently for them to go.

[The_Seeker]

I got bored. I'm waiting for the heat in the bathroom to work so I can go get ready for bed.

 

So I'm analyzing your post. LOL I hope you don't mind.

 

Where to start with this one.

 

On your mark, get ready! START!

 

Well I've struggled with not really knowing myself or being to sure of myself my whole life.

 

You're 27. I'm 24. I just learned a lot of myself this year as a 24 than I did my age between 0-23. I will let you know how once I finished reading your story.

 

I had trouble making friends and went through lonely periods at high school. I've always excelled academically and found myself as a leader at my first job which increased my social circle dramatically. I also learned early on that by people pleasing and putting on an act some people will like me, this was due to me not liking me and not accepting who I was.

 

Awesome for being book smart!

 

Do you even know what you like about yourself?

 

What makes you happy?

 

What you do for fun?

 

What makes you relax?

 

Ask yourself questions. Observe your surroundings. You will find the answer if you took the time to look.

 

For example, all my life I thought I was going to join the Military to become a Military Doctor [Always told my parents I wanted to be a doctor since I was a kid, but got into high school thought I be a military doctor and somehow join the CIA/FBI]. I saw what happened to my dad and changed my whole perspective. Mind you, I was only book smart. Didn't have any much girlfriends due to guys always liking me and I didn't develop any feelings for guys. Anyway long story short, I thought I would pursue my major in economics when I get into college. That didn't help before college so I switched to Finance. I wanted to be in a School of Business instead of School of Science. I thought I was going to become a Financial Analyst since I thought I was analytical. LOL Then switched to Business Administration because I felt my major was too narrow-minded and didn't see the big picture.

 

Long story short, my heart was in helping people. I was always volunteering and tutoring during high school and first 2 years of college. I missed that. Eventually I learned that I wanted to become a humanitarian once I was financially stabled.

 

Funny thing is my parents didn't have faith that I would graduate from high school or college. Heck even become an Accounting Assistant because of my Business Administration major. LOL Now, I'm like look at me now. I thought about pursuing Actuary for the past 3 years. Now, I decided to pursue Underwriting. Why? When I took the time to observe, I always been reading about real estate and how to build houses/architecture, and I thought hey maybe I should own a real estate management someday while pursuing humanitarian efforts.

 

Anyway, I realize something was missing when I was at the age of 24 [the day I turned 24]. My third breakup made me realize I am not who I wanted to be. I didn't do things I like such as playing sports with other people, and enter sporting events. I didn't thought about it much until last summer I've been running 2 miles every day. I lost weight and got happier. Then I did craziest thing. Signed up a 5K. Did a great job. After that I signed up a marathon with less than a month of training. LOL I eventually completed. I learned about myself. That I have an addiction to adventure, I started rockclimbing, hiking, and more sporting events.

 

So you see, when you realize something is missing, or there is something you want to do, you gotta put it into actions.

 

Like you, I moved to a new city. I didn't have friends except college superficial ones. Then I developed several close friendships near by and out of state. I put myself out there. Even been through a bad one. But still got a good one too. I told myself I will build quality friends. I set that into action. Even I got rejected through friendship and relationship but that didn't stop me from continuing doing what I was doing.

 

So be brave. Keep learning about yourself while stepping out of your comfort zone and getting accepted and rejected.

 

Fast forward to now. I'm 27 and still have trouble moving out of my parents place. I've moved out for a few short stints which all ended in disaster of some sort. The first two were due to a breakup which I just couldn't handle and it sent me into a deep depression. The last one I felt very lonely and this seemed to spiral down and down. Then my flat disbanded so I moved out. I get into these ruts where I wonder what is wrong with me and how can I fix myself which leads to obsessively searching the internet to find the answer to what is wrong. I also distract myself with TV, Internet, Smoking, Drinking and food to avoid the pain. I get to points where I just want a normal life like some of my friends where they have their own house, a girlfriend and a great social life and this makes me wonder more and more what is wrong with me.

 

Dude, I'm 24 and I don't even my own place but my goal is to there.

 

Nothing is wrong with you because you didn't commit a crime.

 

Do not compare yourself to people. IMPROVE yourself. THAT WAY, you don't into a crazy mode.

 

I drove myself crazy that i took it out on my mom. I screaming at her telling her i'm not happy where i am. People my age are already on their own and I'm stuck. I'm know who I want to be. I felt so much pressure from her to want me to find someone to get marry etc etc etc where I want to focus on getting my career and get my own place and do humanitarian work. I left my apartment and drove off. I couldn't stay in the same apartment with my mom. [Mind you she was in my apartment. LOL] Yes I did end up apologizing.

 

I realize, you got to take ONE step at a time. Don't stay inside the house all the time. Go get a breathe of fresh air. Join a sport league do meetups which can be tough at times etc. Even if you are on a budget, go to a local cafe to read a book or whatever. That's what I've been doing and made new friends that way as well.

 

I've been through therapy for 1.5 years with a therapist that I got on well with, I also joined a mens group which focuses on being real and accepting yourself. I've changed my life style a lot having lost 20kg and changed my eating to be more natural to help my moods. I've been socialising as much as possible as well as cutting drinking down to once a week, I've also cut down on the TV watching. I was on various antidepressants for 3 years unfortunately none of which really helped. The therapy and mens group have helped a bit though.

 

Have you ever done the link removed? Where can you interact with others? That might help. Congrats on losing 20kg!

 

You are improving yourself. It can be a long journey. Easier said than done at times.

 

There are times you can't accept yourself especially like bad habits but you can improve them thats when you can sometimes. For example, I thought I have the worst temper when someone cross me, but I'm learning to say what I have to say and get up and go instead of staying there and having a pingpong game argument.

 

I'm trying to be as objective as possible here without sounding like a victim to my own emotions. This was both a bit of a rant of frustration as well as asking for any advice anyone might have?

 

I think you need to watch more movies based on inspirations. Maybe volunteer so you can learn more people and their perspectives on life. When you do, it changes your perspective on life as well.

 

I used to have trouble trusting people especially guys. When I let this new guy I just met in, he was able to deal with me and gave me actually good advices how to deal with situations and life. Somehow, his perspective on life healed small parts of me. So far we've been good friends.

 

So I think that's what you need to do. Let other people in [the ones that want to get to know you that is and the ones that don't], ask them questions such as "What makes you random? What makes you happy?" etc.

 

Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Express yourself.

 

My saying is always to make sure that your inner expression is equal to your outer expression, or else you will be the one suffering the most. There is always an exception for every saying or rule you make.

 

I know this post is quite a tangent. Hopefully you get something useful out of it.

 

Good luck! [hugs]

[Purple Turtle]

The therapy and mens group have helped a bit though.

 

what is a "men's group"? do they tell you to be "tough" and "be a man" and "stop complaining"? what exactly is it?