Is three-four months too short for reconcilliation? commitment issues?

[zep]

You can read my last thread for the details of why my ex and I broke up. However a big thing was he wasn't ready for committment and thought he wanted to be single. Now, three months later, he is saying I am the one and he is ready for marriage/kids/wants a life-long relationship.

 

Do you think that is enough time for a man to realize he really wants this? Should we wait longer? It seems to me the most successful reconcilliations are after 1-2 years, 3-4 months seems really short. I don't want to take him back only for him to change his mind.

 

What are ya'lls opinions/experiences with this? I'm particulary interested how men see this. Thanks!

 

Note: We are both 29 working professionals, were together 3 years, lived together 2.5

[Jennifer89]

I'm dealing with this right now as well. Personally it's been 7 months and I'm giving it a shot. I do think three months is a bit hasty, he could just be feeling lonely and saying what you want to hear to get you back. But I don't know the full story, only you do.

[FYI]

You don't go from not being ready for a commitment to suddenly wanting one overnight.

 

I wouldn't trust that.

[zep]

FYI - how long do you think would be a reasonable amount of time?

[Marshall11]

If you want to give the relationship a chance you have to have trust. Listen to him, explain your concerns and ask him to sooth your worries. If you want him back and are ready for the hard work go for it! This is what you wanted him to say right?

[zep]

If you want to give the relationship a chance you have to have trust. Listen to him, explain your concerns and ask him to sooth your worries. If you want him back and are ready for the hard work go for it! This is what you wanted him to say right?

 

Yea definitely. A big reason we broke up was because we wanted different things (I wanted to get married and have a family, he wasn't ready yet).

 

I definitely want him and want to get back together, but I am considering saying we should wait another 6 months. He said he would wait for me but he really hopes we don't have to do that.

[FYI]

FYI - how long do you think would be a reasonable amount of time?

 

Well it's hard to do that when you both didn't really want a commitment in the first place. I read your last thread. You both just need to sit down and figure out what it is you really want at this point. If you want to be together then quit screwing around and BE together. You made the long leaping journey of faith to a new country in an attempt to make a life with him. I wish a woman would do that for me! There's just a lot of unsteady, shaky, flaky stuff going on and it needs to end either in reconciling and making it work or end as in you both calling it quits.

 

My honest opinion, he's not going to change.

[sharky988]

I broke up with someone about commitment issues and we got back together and everything turned out fine. I agreed that being together was more important to me than getting married, and soon afterwards he agreed to get married anyway. We were married for many years!

 

How many months you spend apart doesn't really matter, imo. What matters is that you both want to reconcile just as badly. To be honest, there wasn't any real personal growth or lessons learned from the time we spent apart -- I think all we really learned was that we wanted to be together.

[Marshall11]

From where I stand if you want to be with someone and he wants to be with you then you should.

 

Take things slowly. Date each other and don't have too many expectations.

 

It's your call at the end of the day and all we can do is advise. I've been BU two months and we're slowly working towards where you are now with limited contact and an expression of a desire to reconnect. My oh is being cautious and whilst I respect this and am being patient I am also aware the moment he says he wants it I will trust him and go with it.

 

Wait if you feel like you have to, 6 months is a long time to live without someone you love. Only you can decide but he sounds genuine to me and 3 months is a massive time apart. Just think about things, take them slowly, let him win your trust and show you.

 

Words are cheap - tell him his actions must match up and this includes completely sweeping you off your feet again.

 

I am very happy you are getting the result you want - god willing it works out wonderfully for you.

[mhowe]

How is extending the time apart going to change anything?

 

If there is desire, intent and motivation be together, let his actions speak for themselves. Looking for some arbitrary formula as to how long to have separated is immaterial.

 

Move forward at your own pace, and let the trust rebuild.

[FreedomRing]

Is this the guy that cheated on you and then dumped you, cause you were too dependent on him or something like that?? Yeah, no WAY 3 months is enough time. I'm probably biased though, bc I have ZERO sympathy for cheaters and would never get back with one. The way he ended things with you was disgusting, honestly. I think you deserve better.

[zep]

Is this the guy that cheated on you and then dumped you, cause you were too dependent on him or something like that?? Yeah, no WAY 3 months is enough time. I'm probably biased though, bc I have ZERO sympathy for cheaters and would never get back with one. The way he ended things with you was disgusting, honestly. I think you deserve better.

 

That's the guy .... That's why I want to wait.... It's not really the cheating that bothers me its more the changing his mind about getting back together.

[Marshall11]

If he cheated on you then definitely let him show his it intentions by winning you over. Take it slow! People can and do change, and sometimes it takes a break up to do that. Break ups can be positive for a couple who are serious about each other and spending their loves together. It's a hiccough, a hiatus not a forever.

[mhowe]

That's the guy .... That's why I want to wait.... It's not really the cheating that bothers me its more the changing his mind about getting back together.

 

It's not the cheating that bothers you? Really....because that is one behavior that is likely to rear its head again and again.

[zep]

We were already very close to broken up when the cheating happened, (technically I had already ended things/told him I was moving back) so I don't think it's really the same thing as cheating in the middle of a happy/normal time.

[wowor]

It is possible that he just had a split with a fling of his and it stung badly. Which may, unfortunately, be the reason he is reaching out to you.

 

If it were me, and my ex came back, I would be just as excited as you but would want to meet in person to seriously hash things out. Looking back on things, you both establish what should change in the relationship moving forward, and how things broke down in the past and what you can do to fix them.

[DepthOfField]

Although there is no 'suggested' time, I think 3 months is a very reasonable amount of time.

Anything beyond 60 days provides enough time for reflection, proper judgement and goes beyond the just "I miss you" stage.

[zep]

It is possible that he just had a split with a fling of his and it stung badly. Which may, unfortunately, be the reason he is reaching out to you.

 

If it were me, and my ex came back, I would be just as excited as you but would want to meet in person to seriously hash things out. Looking back on things, you both establish what should change in the relationship moving forward, and how things broke down in the past and what you can do to fix them.

 

Yea, I actually just split with *my* rebound so I'm more worried that that is the reason I am reaching out to him. I'm more confused than him (well, he says he's not confused...). We met things in person to hash things out, and we definitely laid down what needs to change and what has already changed and how we will handle things differently.

 

That said, it feels too soon to me. I don't trust that this reconciliation is 100% what we both want. I don't trust him 100%. He said me feeling pressured is not the right way to do this. So I am taking more time. He told me not to worry about him; that he would be there but he doesn't want to lose me. So we will continue light contact but I am not ready to say we are on the path to getting back together.

 

We'll see what happens...

[Jennifer89]

It's different for everyone but I personaly feel that the longer you wate, the more time you both have to process your feelings and see if its what you really want. 3 months isn't very long to figure out that you want something totally different Ina relationship. On the other hand you need to find a balance bc if you wate too long, you'll both end up moving on with life.

 

What's the balance? That's different for everyone.

[Isolation28]

At three months, I was still an emotional wreck. Personally, I don't think that is enough time to properly assess the relationship. For me, I have been single for about 10 months and my mindset now is completely different from how it was about 7 months ago. I felt lonely and I really wanted her back. I still feel that longing but I know that I deserve someone better than her. Just spend time alone and learn to be happy with yourself. Being single isn't the end of the world.