I need some serious advice! quick!!

[kristy4908]

Hi everyone- I need some serious advice so I am going to make a long story short

 

I have been with my boyfriend for three years, he is almost ten years older than me-- i just finished college. In the beginning he was a wild crazy party animal, still is but toned down now, and he ended up cheating on me. I took him back-- i supported him financially for a month or two. but then the roles switched, as i was in college. He was a bartender, and was constantly out late/flirting/etc-- we broke up a few times in the last three years for random reasons (that were always blamed on me)-- and he always slept with atleast one person during the times we broke up for 3 weeks at a time. Oh yea he has a very very very bad temper. All this behavior in the first two years of our relationship makes it very very hard for me to trust him--- even though i still do somehow. Ps- he has a history with big gambling problems-- very compulsive.

 

3 years into it and now things been great, i have started my career, he has started his and is doing well and excelling. He tells me im the only reason why he turned his life around and that i am his soulmate. he tells me that he wants to marry me and have children with me. he cherishes me and does so many things for me. we are both generally happy other than random fights but he is a changed person and is very calm and loving.

 

The problem is i feel he is financially unstable and is compulsive with money. he recently told me he is going on two bachelor parties and we are going to two out of town weddings. he owes me a good amount of money i lent to him in times of needs, yet feels the need to go on vacation bachelor parties. he says he is going to pay me back but i started to express my concern that he is not responsible with his money and that he hasnt paid me yet. I really need the money, as I am a recent graduate and am low on cash and need to pay some bills.

 

He took it in such a bad way and made it seem like I was saying I was robbing him and only care about myself. All i care about is "ME ME ME ME ME ME ME and only me"

 

Soooo we got in a fight- he told me I could talk to him about anything, yet freaks out on me-- tells me really really really hurtful things like "Fck you" and "Shut up"-- He said he needed space to think about our future-- mind you i hardly spoke the entire phone conversation-- even though he kept telling me i shouldnt be afraid to bring things up.

 

Then he says I will never change, im selfish, all i want is attention and never am grateful for what he does. I tried to tell him thats not true and i was sorry if he took it that way but he wasnt having it.

 

He then told me it was over- hes breaking up with me (even though earlier in the same conversation he told me even tho hes broke now in two years he will buy me a house and put a ring on my finger)

 

THEN proceeds to tell me "You are dead weight" -- ever since he started doing things with his life (im 10 years younger than him and have my life on track way more than he does-- and then told me "Maybe it just so happened you were around when I started becoming a better person and it wasnt you who made me better and that im holding him back"

 

this makes no sense-- he tells me i am the only reason for his motivation--

 

what do you think i should do? he hung up the phone on me, told me its over and hes breaking up with me.

 

i am deeply in love with him and i know hes just saying stuff he doesnt mean but is it worth it??

 

what do i do? say to him? do i answer his calls? i have a problem with calling and needing an answer on the spot-- i know i can be crazy but when someone acts liek that its kind of hard to not want an immediate answer.

 

hes been really good the last year but i just dont know how to feel. do i take this seriously?

what would you do??

 

i really appreciate the help and advice i really need it and feel really sad. he is my best friend and i dont know whats best, am i just blinded?

[SpottiOtti]

Hi, Kristy. I think what you need is to begin to think with your head and your logic, and try to leave love and emotion out of the decision. Being in love and all that ga-ga is well and good when you're young and just having fun. But now you are a woman, you have begun your career, and you are trying to find a partner to settle down with for the long haul.

 

No one can tell you what you need from a relationship. But I think most of us would agree that a relationship has to be built on trust and respect and communication. Some things that undermine those things are: lying, cheating on your partner, verbal abuse, and reneging on promises you've made. Those things I just mentioned are also the opposite of what best friends do to each other.

 

You have to see people for who they really are. I realize that's hard when you're sleeping with someone. It always confuses things for a woman. But you have to learn now, to begin to see clearly. I will say this because I think you need to hear it: Put your big girl pants on and stop being this guy's doormat. You are worth so much more than this. I hope you realize it soon.

 

And to answer a couple of your questions: Yes, you should always take it seriously when a person says stuff like that to you. Even if they "don't mean it", the intent behind it is to hurt and confuse you. It's very manipulative, and it's not conducive to a healthy relationship. And yes, you are blinded.

 

Good luck to you.

[kristy4908]

Thank you for your advice.

 

I know it's hard when you look at things when you are in love.

 

If this was a year ago I would run away and never look back. The only reason why Im torn is because he has been an extraordinary boyfriend the last year-- a completely different person-- so loving and understanding and never looses his cool. does everything and anything for me....

 

so im just confused as to why the relapse and if its worth re thinking instead of running away and never looking back

[monkey4kitten]

Hi!!

 

In one way im in the same situation. Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 6 years and we have lived together since day one basically. We are both 22 and at the moment we have had a lot of changes to our life's as a couple and as individuals. We fight over little things which comes to be a massive argument. We broke up for a month a while ago because he cheated on me and then when we did break up he sated dating her and Christ that hurt. Now he is a different person than what he was before we broke up and in an argument he says really nasty things like your so screwed up or get a life, things like that no one should say when they love the other person.

 

I'm in a confused state as it is my self but the only thing that keeps me going is trying to tell my self that this is a way for him to release his anger and worries and that non of what he says is true. Also after an argument i make it a choice to ask him if he meant it and if so what do we do? Trust me i know its hard asking that question but i find knowing is better so you have a choice to either try to resolve the problem or agree that its not working. Try to start the conversation of with " i want to ask you something but promise me we will not fight about it or that your be angry with me, i just want to try and resolve a few things." Something like that so he is prepared.

 

Hope that helps.

[lavenderdove]

OK, he's a lying, cheating, compulsive gambling, drinking, flirting, financially irresponsible, in debt, verbally abusive guy... what a prince!

 

Honestly, go back and read what you wrote. This guy is a HORRIBLE candidate for marriage and a relationship. You need to snap out of this and see him for who he is. He threw a temper tantrum because you refused to finance his folly... this 'nice guy' routine is only a veneer that he uses to manipulate you.

 

Someone with that many problems will not change in the long run. He may 'behave' now and again, but his character has already been formed, and it is a poor one. I am 100% sure if you continue with this man he will wreck your life. PLEASE have faith that you will find a good guy, a NORMAL guy without all these problems if you just tough it out and let this guy go. Be GLAD he has dumped you and don't try to get him back.

[Doc Blaze]

you talked up how much he changed...but then you went into the present time him doing the same thing..partying, careless , doing whatever he wants then he says your selfish..he hasnt grown up...he just has a few good moments then things are back to where they were....

[becomingkate]

The problem is i feel he is financially unstable and is compulsive with money. he recently told me he is going on two bachelor parties and we are going to two out of town weddings. he owes me a good amount of money i lent to him in times of needs, yet feels the need to go on vacation bachelor parties. he says he is going to pay me back but i started to express my concern that he is not responsible with his money and that he hasnt paid me yet. I really need the money, as I am a recent graduate and am low on cash and need to pay some bills.

 

He took it in such a bad way and made it seem like I was saying I was robbing him and only care about myself.

 

And really, you should care about him because he needs to party!

 

I think that he treats you this way simply because he can. Over the course of this three years, he's cheated, used you for money and verbally abused you yet he still has the upper hand.

 

What if you called his bluff?

 

He wants to break up, so break up. Move on - start dating and see if you enjoy someone else's company for awhile. Refuse his calls and ignore his texts. Remove him from FB and don't follow anything he's doing online.

 

The chances of him chasing after you are pretty good. If you truly want to do something good for yourself, turn your back on him. If he is this way at his age now, imagine your life in 10 years!! I'd walk away and not look back.

[FYI]

Bad temper? Cheater? Gambling addictions? Impulsive behavior?

 

Pull the plug.