Too soon to be exclusive? Mismatched speeds, maybe?

[lilyorchid]

Hi everyone!

 

I started chatting with a guy from Match just before the new year. We are both in our 30's. We met about a week later, and hit it off right away. We have had 8 dates since we met in person (in the past 2 weeks), and have had a fabulous time together each time. We've basically seen each other every night that we both had free from work or other non-dating commitments, and we text a ton or talk on the phone in between. All of our dates have been wonderful and varied in activities. He is open and honest and forthright, a man of integrity. We are both really excited about the other, and I believe we have a real, solid connection, and that we both see a future together - at least for the immediate future

 

He was a respectful gentleman and didn't kiss me until our third date. I wanted him too, but he said he didn't want to rush things. I felt a little silly when he said that, as though I was trying to pressure him or rush him or something, when all I wanted was a kiss to see if the physical hotness was there - and it was! Since that kiss, we've ended every date with a heavy makeout session, getting more physical and passionate as each date passes, but we have not slept together. He has said he's wondering if it would be too soon to do so, but that he wants to, but doesn't want to rush or ruin what we're building.

 

The last time we saw each other, in the middle of a passionate makeout session, he suggested I spend the night. I knew that sleeping together was on the table. I told him that I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that if he's still looking for other dates. He said he understood. After an awkward silence, I suggested I go home. He agreed, and walked me out. We've exchanged some texts since (less than 48 hours have passed), and he's still receptive and communicating, but I can tell he's kinda holding back. So, I guess that means he's not ready to be exclusive...? Did I freak him out?

 

As a side note, after our fourth date, I unilaterally took my profile down, as I am not interested in anyone else, and want to focus on just him and don't want to be distracted by anyone else. I have, however, checked in on occasion (with my profile still hidden) and have seen that he's still logging in. He was last active just an hour ago. Admittedly, this really disappoints me. This last check-in of his actually kinda felt like a punch in the gut.

 

I don't know how I feel about all of this. I'm torn because while it's only been 2 weeks (fast in terms of time), it's also been 8 dates (not so fast in terms of quantity and quality of interaction), and he's spent almost every free moment he has with me or on the phone with me, so it's not like he's had time to date anyone else. But it seems that he still wants the option to do so, otherwise he would have gladly said that he's not dating anyone else...right? After 8 dates, I feel that I know enough about him and our connection to know that I only want to see him, that I want to see what potential we have and where our relationship can go. I'm not asking to take him home to meet the parents or be "serious," just to know that I'm the only one he's dating or interested in, which would include removing his profile from being visible.

 

But like I said, it doesn't sound like we're on the same page about that. I know some people will say that means it's time to move on, but I like him too much to bail. I feel like we have something very special, and that maybe I'm a little over-eager, or he's a little slow...?

 

Another important piece of information is that he has a big trip coming up in a few days that will take him out of our city for a good three weeks. Our momentum is going to evaporate.

 

I guess I just don't know what to do at this point. Any sincere thoughts/advice are welcome.

[Redjack1984]

Hey I can understand how your feeling and i've been down this road before

 

To be honest the more I date the more confused I get. I've been with someone recently that I met online and he sounds just like your guy. He was with me constantly and text me all the time, bought me sweet little gifts but everytime I would leave him he was straight online (I know I shouldn't have checked but as a few things he said didn't add up it became a bad habit)

 

It seems lots of people are content to date and sleep with someone without the promise of exclusivity and you need to consider if you can do this. For me I couldn't and I had to walk away. Unfortunately I've found since online dating (about 9 months) that people find it very hard to give up the site even though I think that's how it should be

[LoveSoDeep]

Do you know how new he was to the site? Sometimes I feel like guys who are newer to the site feel the need to "get their money's worth" for lack of a better phrase. Actaully I kinda feel that way...I paid for it and until I'm really sure I'm going somewhere with the guy I'm seeing I don't want to just pull the plug and we've been dating about 3 weeks kinda like you and your guy. Admittedly in my case I check my messages but I haven't gotten one yet that I gave a second thought to so really it's not something I think he should worry about....but after 3 weeks I'm not ready to turn it off. Maybe that's where he is.

[EssexMan]

until I'm really sure I'm going somewhere with the guy I'm seeing I don't want to just pull the plug and we've been dating about 3 weeks kinda like you and your guy. Admittedly in my case I check my messages but I haven't gotten one yet that I gave a second thought to

 

Same here, I wouldn't worry too much about him still looking at the site. He may just be checking for messages from people he was already talking to, which is a bit different from cruising for new contacts. I didn't pull my memberships until my gf and I agreed to go exclusive around date 5 or 6. (Actually, I still have a bunch of free memberships extant and the spam to show for it, but I don't look at the sites any more...I guess I ought to wade through them all and cancel the memberships at some point, but it feels like work.)

[Heather Dawn]

I think that you're both at two different places, and you need to communicate with him about that.

 

It could be that he likes you well enough, but isn't ready to be totally exclusive. Or perhaps he doesn't know how YOU feel, and simply clarifying that will help.

 

My best friend started dating a guy she met online, and after a few dates, they decided to be exclusive and both removed their profiles. However, he was clearly not as serious as she was - he agreed not to see other people, but he didn't want to consider what they had a "relationship" yet - and eventually put his profile back up. Meanwhile, she sensed his sort of wishy-washy nature and refused to sleep with him until he had committed. Needless to say, it ended fairly quickly because they couldn't come to any sort of happy medium.

 

If you're feeling it for this dude, tell him. On my first date with my boyfriend, he said, "If you wanted to plant your flag and stake your claim on me, I wouldn't mind..." So, on our second date, I presented him with a flag (made of a piece of paper and a toothpick) that said, "Heatherville!" on it. He LOVED it, and immediately stuck it on his bookcase. He still has it tucked safely away to this day (we eventually moved, which is why it got packed).

[lilyorchid]

Do you know how new he was to the site? Sometimes I feel like guys who are newer to the site feel the need to "get their money's worth" for lack of a better phrase.

 

He's pretty new. He had signed up for a month, and actually griped that it had auto-renewed on him because he'd forgotten to cancel it... but that lucky enough, he came accross me the very next day. That would mean he's set to expire again any day now.

[lilyorchid]

Same here, I wouldn't worry too much about him still looking at the site. He may just be checking for messages from people he was already talking to, which is a bit different from cruising for new contacts. I didn't pull my memberships until my gf and I agreed to go exclusive around date 5 or 6. (Actually, I still have a bunch of free memberships extant and the spam to show for it, but I don't look at the sites any more...I guess I ought to wade through them all and cancel the memberships at some point, but it feels like work.)

 

Yeah, but we're past that.

 

I think that you're both at two different places, and you need to communicate with him about that.

 

That's the thing though. If I say I'm ready, and he says he's not, ... where do I go from there, if I'm not quite ready to walk? Sticking around would make me look like a doormat, don't you think?

 

If you're feeling it for this dude, tell him. On my first date with my boyfriend, he said, "If you wanted to plant your flag and stake your claim on me, I wouldn't mind..." So, on our second date, I presented him with a flag (made of a piece of paper and a toothpick) that said, "Heatherville!" on it. He LOVED it, and immediately stuck it on his bookcase. He still has it tucked safely away to this day (we eventually moved, which is why it got packed).

 

That's really cute.

 

I have told him that I really like him, and that I'm excited about him... as well as the whole, "I don't want to sleep together until I know it's just me" bit.

[LoveSoDeep]

He's pretty new. He had signed up for a month, and actually griped that it had auto-renewed on him because he'd forgotten to cancel it... but that lucky enough, he came accross me the very next day. That would mean he's set to expire again any day now.

 

See to me if a guy complained about the auto renew that means he was annoyed that he had to pay for the second month and I would not be surprised if he thought, "They forced me to pay for it so I'm going to use every last second!" If he keeps using it after the month then you should talk to him about it...it won't be a long wait.

[HeatherB]

It's only been two weeks. Eight dates is a whirlwind romance, not grounds for starting a relationship. In your heart you feel like you know the guy, but you don't really, yet. There is nothing he can possibly have done that quickly to have earned your devotion to him. (Except maybe...Did he rescue you from a burning building? Sacrifice his kingdom for you? Now those might qualify. )

 

He may be a great guy, someone you hope will turn out to be the one. That's natural. But you don't know him. Let him earn your trust and your heart over time. Set your own standards for when you do or don't have sex with a new guy.

 

Expecting exclusivity first is totally reasonable. Where you're being a bit unreasonable, though, is trying to get him to agree to exclusivity prematurely just so you can have sex with him. He is matching your pace as far as interest in sex is concerned, but he is pretty far behind you when it comes to being enraptured with you and ready to commit. It's foolish to try to hurry him up and get him to just say the words. That has never worked.

 

Which is your priority? Sex ASAP or potential commitment? Your timetable should reflect what's important to you.

[jordesse]

He sounds like he's just not quite there yet in terms of exclusivity. Did he just come out of a long term relationship? Do you know much about his previous dating history? definitely do not sleep with him until he wants to be exclusive.

 

Unfortunately, no matter how much you like him, 2 weeks is way too soon to become emotionally invested. He needs to feel that he is not your only option and you won't be waiting around for him. He needs to feel like he has to take you off the market before someone else does in order to become exclusive with you.

 

I think the 3 weeks he has away will be good for you. It will cool your need to rush and hopefully, make him worry that another guy could sweep you off your feet in the mean time!

[meczam]

He has said he's wondering if it would be too soon to do so, but that he wants to, but doesn't want to rush or ruin what we're building.

 

He's wondering if it's too soon to have sex with you because he doesn't know if you're the type of women who is into casual noncommitted sex versus a woman who will only have sex with a guy with whom she's completely exclusive. You need to make this clear to him if you havent already done so. It's a simple matter of saying "as far as sexual intimacy goes, I don't go there with a guy unless it's only he and I" or something of that nature.

 

The last time we saw each other, in the middle of a passionate makeout session, he suggested I spend the night. I knew that sleeping together was on the table. I told him that I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that if he's still looking for other dates. He said he understood.

 

He said he understood in response to your somewhat weak suggestion that you go exclusive. I get why you're being vague, you don't want to push it and thats ok, his response was completely lame and basically says he's not going to commit to you, he's having too much fun on the dating sites, possibly even meeting and maybe even being physical with other women.

 

So, I guess that means he's not ready to be exclusive...

 

Yes, thats exactly what it means, and that might not change.

 

As a side note, after our fourth date, I unilaterally took my profile down, as I am not interested in anyone else, and want to focus on just him and don't want to be distracted by anyone else.

 

Dating IS a game. Part of the game is keeping your profile active until you've had the exclusive talk. Don't be so available and loyal and committed to a guy who won't do the same for you. It doesn't mean you have to chat or date any one else, just leave your profile up there and log in once in a while. He'll be checking your profile. Don't let him get too comfortable, keep him on his toes..

 

I have, however, checked in on occasion (with my profile still hidden) and have seen that he's still logging in. He was last active just an hour ago. Admittedly, this really disappoints me. This last check-in of his actually kinda felt like a punch in the gut.

 

It felt like a punch in the gut because you're emotionally attached to him.. you could be in for a fall. Unfortunately you can't just turn off the flow of emotions and feelings like a faucet. If you could none of us would need therapists, relationship forums, or psych meds.

 

But it seems that he still wants the option to do so, otherwise he would have gladly said that he's not dating anyone else...right?

 

Right.

 

Another important piece of information is that he has a big trip coming up in a few days that will take him out of our city for a good three weeks. Our momentum is going to evaporate.

 

Not necessarily. He just might find himself missing you, a LOT.

[lilyorchid]

It's foolish to try to hurry him up and get him to just say the words. That has never worked.

 

Which is your priority? Sex ASAP or potential commitment? Your timetable should reflect what's important to you.

 

Thank you for the reminder.

[Heather Dawn]

That's the thing though. If I say I'm ready, and he says he's not, ... where do I go from there, if I'm not quite ready to walk? Sticking around would make me look like a doormat, don't you think?

 

Well, the thing is - if you don't ask, it doesn't mean the problem goes away. Isn't it better to clarify the situation and then decide where to go from there?

[annie24]

you might want to cool things, and take a step back. maybe you should put your profile back up and keep looking around too?

[MJWasHere]

He's made it clear he's not ready to be exclusive. All you can do is decide if you are okay with continuing to date him with that understanding, or not.

 

Personally, if I were you I would put my profile back up and try to set up date(s) with someone else. Dont put all your emotional eggs into this one basket, when he doesnt want what you want at this time.

 

I would definitely pull back a bit.

 

Remember this: the girl really shouldnt ever have to be the one brining up exclusivity. If a man is REALLY heavily into you, he will jump at the chance to make it exclusive and take you off the market. It took me a while to learn that, but with all the men I ended up in relatioships with, they never left me guessing as to how they felt.

[Ms Darcy]

I think the problem is after only two weeks, you are laser-focused on him. Two weeks with 8 dates still means only two weeks. Take your time.

 

And put your profile back up so you don't get obsessed with this one guy.

[lilyorchid]

Remember this: the girl really shouldnt ever have to be the one brining up exclusivity. If a man is REALLY heavily into you, he will jump at the chance to make it exclusive and take you off the market. It took me a while to learn that, but with all the men I ended up in relatioships with, they never left me guessing as to how they felt.

 

I really just don't know that's true. I know many guys who think it's the girl's job. Ascribing gender-responsibility to defining the relationship seems silly to me.

[EssexMan]

Ascribing gender-responsibility to defining the relationship seems silly to me.

 

Yes. It seems to work from the presumption that if a guy is ready for exclusivity, he will mention it. But a lot of guys are shy, or doubtful how the suggestion will be taken. Not mentioning it doesn't mean they don't want it.

[Heather Dawn]

I really just don't know that's true. I know many guys who think it's the girl's job. Ascribing gender-responsibility to defining the relationship seems silly to me.

 

I agree that ascribing gender-based responsibility is silly. That aside, I also agree that if a guy is very interested, he will make sure the woman knows. As I said in a different thread, on my first date with my boyfriend, he said, coyly, "If you want to plant your flag on me and stake your claim, I wouldn't mind..." So I did.

[MJWasHere]

Yes maybe not bring up exlusivity per se, but they at least will not leave you wondering about their feelings or where you stand.

[lilyorchid]

Yes maybe not bring up exlusivity per se, but they at least will not leave you wondering about their feelings or where you stand.

 

I know how he feels about me. He's articulated several times that he likes me and he's looking for something deep and hopes we end up in that direction.

 

What he has not articulated is whether he's still interested in dating other people.

[annie24]

What he has not articulated is whether he's still interested in dating other people.

 

If he has not brought up exclusivity, and he is still online, then he is clearly still interested in dating other people.

[lilyorchid]

If he has not brought up exclusivity, and he is still online, then he is clearly still interested in dating other people.

 

Really? I haven't expressed that I want to be exclusive (although I do), and my profile is online too. So there goes your hypothesis!

[Ms Darcy]

If he has not brought up exclusivity, and he is still online, then he is clearly still interested in dating other people.

 

I would agree. It doesn't mean he can't grow interested though. I think you should just slow down.

[MJWasHere]

Really? I haven't expressed that I want to be exclusive (although I do), and my profile is online too. So there goes your hypothesis!

 

No. You DID express the desire to be exclusive -- you told him you didnt want to have sex unless/until you were exclusive. Also, you took your profile down after 4 dates (I think you said?)

 

I think you are hoping he will want to be exclusive, and maybe theres always a chance he would down the line, but he has made it clear he doesnt want that now by: 1) Being silent on the subject when you brough it up ("awkward pause" i think you termed it); and 2) still being on the online dating site.

 

Has there been anymore texting or communication since the "Hey" exchanges?