Advice needed

[Anoynmous1992]

I live in a lovely small town, in a nice little house with my boyfriend who I’ve been with for a long time. Well nearly 3 years that’s a long time to me. We have a family of pets… no kids thank god…

 

This weekend it was our friends birthday we went out we good drunk we had a laugh. at 4 am in the morning my bf punched me 3 times, once on my head once on my cheek and once on my jaw, they were 3 quick punches and i was pretty smashed at the time so it didn’t really hurt it felt numb. I remember feeling the force on my face though and i ended up doing a matrix position before falling on the sofa. It’s the first time he’s ever punched me in my face. He’s elbowed me in the face before on my 20th birthday … that was fun. Anyway boring story cut short i rang the police and he got arrested.

 

Now this is the part where i should say, i haven’t seen him since…. we’re over…. i never wanna see him again bla bla bla. Actually in real life he’s here at home and it’s as if nothing has changed.

 

It was the same when he cheated on me … nothing changed….

 

now to the women who ever read this or my children when I’m older straight away you’ll read this and think oh my god a man who punches and cheats on her scum bag get rid!

 

But you see this is where it gets interesting

 

What if a girl meets a guy who is the nicest guy in the world okay 3 years there together but this girl is a ***** she expects him to do everything for him i.e. go to the shop get food. Play with her hair when she’s watching a film with him. Who shouts at him when she’s lost something or she is running late. Shouts at him if she is getting ready to go out and doesn’t feel confident in what she is wearing. 3 years is a long time. This nice guy he starts off perfect but slowly and slowly the anger builds up and up and up but he doesn’t shout. No he never ever shouts but his anger just keeps building and building until he can’t take it anymore he turns to drink because it’s the only thing that will help him ignore how unhappy he is. so he keeps drinking and drinking and the anger is building up and up until one night he gets so drunk and angry his gf is just there screaming at him “Why the **** have you got lipstick on your face” AND BOOOOM! PUNCH just like that….

 

People always look at the girl as the victim, but what if in this case the guys the victim or both of them are….

 

the girl knows what she is doing to this guy is wrong but she loves him she doesn’t want to leave him so she keeps telling herself that she’ll change and he’ll stop drinking and everything will be ok

 

The guy knows that he drinks a lot and says he’ll stop and just hopes that she’ll stop shouting at him and they’ll be happy again!

 

I have something called an attachment disorder not entirely sure what is it’s just something I’ve been labelled with since i was 4 years old (Adopted)

 

Symptoms of AD

 

•Intense control battles, very bossy and argumentative; defiance and anger – check

•Resists affection on parental terms – check

•Lack of eye contact, especially with parents – will look into your eyes when lying – check

•Manipulative – superficially charming and engaging – check

•Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers – check

•Poor peer relationships – check

•Steals – i did when i was little

•Lies about the obvious – not so much anymore

•Lack of conscience – shows no remorse – uncheck

•Destructive to property, self and/or others – kind of check

•Lack of impulse control – check

•Hypervigilant/Hyperactive – check

•Learning lags/delays – check

•Speech and language problems – uncheck

•Incessant chatter and/or questions – check

•Inappropriately demanding and/or clingy – check

•Food issues – hordes, gorges, refuses to eat, eats strange things, hides food – check

•Fascinated with fire, blood, gore, weapons, evil – uncheck

•Very concerned about tiny hurts but brushes off big hurts – kind of check

•Parents appear hostile and angry – check

•The child was neglected and/or physically abused in the first three years of life – check

 

Potential Causes

 

•Neglect – check

•Abuse – check

•Separation from the primary caregiver – check

•Changes in the primary caregiver – check

•Frequent moves and/or placements – check

•Traumatic experiences – check

•Maternal depression – uncheck

•Maternal addiction – drugs or alcohol- uncheck

•Undiagnosed, painful illness such as colic, ear infections, etc. – uncheck

•Lack of attunement between mother and child – check

•Young or inexperienced mother with poor parenting skills – uncheck

 

Sometimes i wonder if the reason I’m still with my bf is because of this all above. I find it really hard to get too attached to people but when i do get attached i find it impossible to get unattached.

 

I’m pretty damaged aren’t i tbh?

 

My theory is that everything happens for a reason, only when i stop loving my bf should i leave him

 

But then i think, what about all the other girls out there who love there bfs,

 

What if your bf splits up with you when you’re in love with him… obviously in time you get over it?

 

But why i should leave someone if i love them still it doesn’t make sense. You should only leave someone if you don’t want to be with them. But i want to be with my boyfriend.

 

I’m not stupid i see the adverts on TV or hear stories of women in violent relationships. But that isn’t me.

 

My bf hit me because i had a vase in my hand threating to hit him with it if he didn’t get out and he was drunk

 

He cheated on me on the night we had been fighting for 5 hours straight and had been taking it in turns to split up with each other within like 3 weeks.

 

Do u see where I’m coming from?

 

If we went on holiday, we were really happy we went for dinner made love etc. etc. and then suddenly he cheated on me that night well then it would be different.

 

What if he came home from one day sober and just punched me whilst i was serving his dinner…

 

It’s different!

 

Sometimes i want advice, but i know the advice I’ll get is to just leave him “in time you’ll get over it” you’re not good for each other. But when he’s not drunk we are amazing since we moved in to our new home we have been amazing.

 

A friend said to me….. If he loved you he wouldn’t have hit you, i come home drunk loads of times and i never hit my gf.

 

My bfs response when i told him was when he drinks it’s like he has a split personality.

 

I don’t know what to believe anymore all i know is that I’ve been writing **** for half an hour. But in 10 20 30 years’ time i want to be able to read this!

 

Now I’m going to go! What i should be doing is cooking his tea and cleaning the house but he doesn’t deserve that right now and i don’t want to do it! I want to stay in bed and not feel sorry for myself but just wonder

[JJ2980]

Your relationship is dysfunctional. You both need to get out and individually work on the things you need to. You can't explain your boyfriends behaviour away just because you're not the best person. Each of us encounter testing situations but the majority of us don't use physical violence to vent our emotions. Also, you say you love your boyfriend but none of the things you do to him show that you do. Actions speak much louder than words.

[blueidealist24]

It sounds like you've been verbally/emotionally abusive with him and him obviously physically abusive with you. You both need to get out of this relationship. He had no excuse for hitting you though, if he didn't like the way you were treating him then he should have ended things with you a long time ago (since you say you were treating him like this pretty much from the beginning).

[RedDress]

... and now you know why women stay in abusive relationships, despite the fact that they are being beaten, sometimes hospitalized and even killed! It's because they always have a ton of excuses. They shift blame to themselves ("if only I hadn't..."). And yes, there is always "more to the story". There are always good times that accompany the bad. And usually the good is SO good that... well... it keeps them hanging on.

 

Here's the truth:

 

This nice guy he starts off perfect but slowly and slowly the anger builds up and up and up but he doesn’t shout. No he never ever shouts but his anger just keeps building and building until he can’t take it anymore he turns to drink because it’s the only thing that will help him ignore how unhappy he is.

 

C'mon. Really? Turning to drinking because he can't express his emotions? That's what alcoholics do. There are more productive ways of dealing with this - ie: he could leave. He could see a councillor. He could break up or exercise or do yoga. TONS of options. Alcohol is very clearly the wrong choice.

 

My bf hit me because i had a vase in my hand threating to hit him with it if he didn’t get out and he was drunk

 

The thing to do in this situation would be to walk away. To get out, since that's what you wanted. But... hitting? What kind of barbaric, non-solution is that??

 

I'm not saying that you don't potentially have your own problems that need working on. You should seek councilling if you feel the need to treat your partner poorly. But there is NO excuse for his behaviour, either. None. And his is actually dangerous. Very dangerous.

 

Together you are in an extremely toxic relationship. It's not normal to hit. The two of you should not be together AT ALL.

 

I hate to say it - but you are exactly like those women in those commercials. Exactly. You need to stop making excuses for his behaviour (he had many other choices) and stop taking blame (it is not normal to hit someone when they are doing things you don't want them to be doing - he had many other choices and he chose to inflict physical pain). If you also want to seek help for your own behaviours (and to understand why you would stay in an abusive relationship) - you should do that. But it does not excuse his behaviour in the least.

 

This is about not wanting to let him go because you are afraid that no one else will put up with your behaviour. Ditch this dude, fix your behaviour, and find someone healthy. Because this one will land you in the hospital or worse.

[becomingkate]

Since you can only control yourself, I would start with a visit to the doc to deal with any depression/anxiety/hormonal issues you may be dealing with. Then make a solid commitment to never abuse another person in your life. No family members, no S.O.s and no children. There are resources available in almost every community.

 

Once you see that is possible to interact with another person without having to demean them or hurt them in any way (that in itself is way to feel in control) then you can start to see what is wrong with your relationship and the hitting.

[Heather Dawn]

You are both abusive to each other and this is a completely toxic relationship. It doesn't matter if you love each other or not - this kind of love is going to destroy you in the end.

[ParisPaulette]

You both have problems and your relationship, to say the least, isn't a healthy one. If he gets to the point where he hits you, if he drinks too much, if you emotionally and verbally batter and badger him and the two of you are at each other's throats then it's gotten to the point where your only options are joint counseling or leaving each other. Sorry, but neither one of you is leading the other down any path, but one of disaster at this point. You already know where the problems lie, so please take those next steps before one or the other of you does something that takes you both past a point of no return and your lives are ruined, because of it. And any "I do this because..." is just an empty excuse unless it's backed up with action taken to rectify it.

 

Honestly though when it gets to the point of physical violence, no matter what the circumstances are, it's time to leave. You've blown past all the warning signs and are now in the car going over the cliff to the sharp rocks and angry ocean below rushing up to meet you--metaphorically speaking. Please get out now. If he has a drinking problem it's up to him and only him to acknowledge that and deal with it. I've lived around alcoholics, trust me when I say the person with the drinking problem is honestly the only one who can stop it and save his/herself. And all the pleading, nagging and promises in the world won't change it ever. Same with the cheating. Same with the hitting. If you were truly that awful he would and could have done what any sane person does--leave. And so can you.