Ncr23 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I will start off by saying that I am an only child and I have always been very close with my parents. I never had a lot of friends so my parents have never been used to me going out at night, usually only during the day if I went with a friend to lunch or the mall. My parents have no problem with me going out during the day, it's when I want to go out at night that its a problem. I've been dating my current boyfriend for two years. Whenever I want to go out with him it's like pulling teeth trying to do so. If we go out at a certain time, I have to be back at a certain time. It stinks because we have to rush whatever we are doing, like if we are at dinner or if we mini golfing and it takes the fun out of everything knowing that I have to be back at a certain time. If I'm not IN THE HOUSE at the time I'm supposed to be home, I start getting texts from my mom saying "dad wants you to come in" which I think is a lie because usually he is busy watching tv or falling asleep on the couch. The latest I've been allowed to come home is 12 and I had to fight for that, that was when my boyfriend was getting off work at 9:30 in the summer and my parents didnt even want me going out that late. And that was in the summer!! I know for a fact that part of them not letting me out late has to do with their fear of something happening to me but I don't think it's right for a parent to try to pass that fear onto their child. I know I should be aware of the things that happen at night but I don't think it's right to live your life in complete fear. I've tried talking to my parents nicely, yelling, arguing, trying to reason with them. Nothing works. It's their way or the highway. They never want to hear anything I have to say and anytime I even open my mouth they think I'm getting an attitude with them. I'm in my third year of school as a bio major and I work two part time jobs. I'm very responsible and I don't drink, do drugs or smoke. I have never had a desire to. You'd think that by being responsible my parents would give me more freedom but no. On fourth of July I had to be home at 10 because my mom had work the next day and she didnt want to stay up waiting for me to come home. I miss out on things that people my age do and it just doesn't seem fair. I still rely on them to help me pay for things because being a bio major I can't work more than ten hours a week because the course is so demanding. So moving out is not an option. My question is , is there a way that I can get through to them? I love them so much but it's not fair that I have to live my life according to their schedule. I know my mom can't sleep unless I'm home but it's not fair that I'm missing out on going out and being 20 because of that. I know parents have rules but one day I'm going to look back on all of this and realize that I missed out on so much. I will be working a lot and you are only a kid once. Sorry that this is so long but I just really need help Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Unfortunately, if you are reliant on them, and they have rules for living in their house and won't move on them, you're stuck. Best option is to keep your head down and get to the end of the year then move out and live how you want to live. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Here are your choices: 1. Move out and start paying for school. 2. Deal with it until your degree is done, then move out. While I agree that your parents are being irrational and overly fearful to take issue with a 20-year-old going out at night, they still have control over you financially. If I were in your situation, I would probably finish out the semester, then move out and continue my degree with loans and/or taking fewer classes and working more. You might add a little time to your school career (maybe a year or two) but to me, that would be worth the time and money to live a normal life. Link to comment
tabithas Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 You are 20 years old, you are officially an adult and they should treat you like one, you are 2 jobs and are financially independent (during the summer?). Stop letting them treat you like that, sit down and have a chat with them, from what you are saying you are responsible and its not like go out clubbing and smoking or getting into any bad habits. yes you are living under their roof, but they should understand that you are young and that you have a life as well as uni and buy yourself a key Link to comment
becomingkate Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 If you're very close to them, it's possible that you might be able to appeal to them if you get a mediator involved. Is there a counsellor at your school? My 18 year old step-daughter is staying with us, and the only way she got here was to go to her psychologist with her mom and beg her (in front of the counsellor) to allow her to get to know her dad. There may be a way to compromise, especially during times when school is out. Good luck! Link to comment
Ljion Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 The reason your parents do that to do is because they care so much. There is alot of ****ed up stuff in the world...if u just glance at the news there is raping,killing, drug wars, human trafficing... So much human and animal suffering its terrifying.. Sometimes its easier not to love someone.. Because thats one less person to worry about haha... But if you must hahaha! Just sit down with your parents and explain to them that you are an adult now and you want to have a little more freedom. Ask for their trust and that you will be careful and give examples on how responsible you are. You need to compromise. Ask for a hour more time out and then when you have their trust as for another hour. Good luck Link to comment
ButterflyWrists Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 The only thing you can do is move out. Or try and work something out so you can sleep at your boyfriends every so often. but you're just gonna have to ride it out. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 This seems like a very strict version of what many college students experience. I went to college in a different state from where my parents lived so while I was there I got to stay out as late as I wanted, spent the night with wherever and with whomever I wanted. But when I went home for the holidays or other vacations, my parents became far more interested in where I was going, who I would be with, what time I was coming home etc. I think that's pretty typical although your situation does sound extreme. I think you should wait it out until you are in a position to afford a comfortable home of your own. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I agree that they are unreasonably controlling. However, you said you were in your third year. I'm guessing your program is four years, so could you try and tough it out for the last year, then hopefully you'll get a higher-paying job and move out? Link to comment
Ncr23 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 There is a counselor that is willing to talk to all of us. It's just finding a time that is convenient for all of us is the problem, and getting my stubborn parents to actually go! Link to comment
Ncr23 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 If you're very close to them, it's possible that you might be able to appeal to them if you get a mediator involved. Is there a counsellor at your school? My 18 year old step-daughter is staying with us, and the only way she got here was to go to her psychologist with her mom and beg her (in front of the counsellor) to allow her to get to know her dad. There may be a way to compromise, especially during times when school is out. Good luck! There is a counselor that is willing to talk to all of us. It's just finding a time that is convenient for all of us is the problem, and getting my stubborn parents to actually go! Link to comment
Ncr23 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 The reason your parents do that to do is because they care so much. There is alot of ****ed up stuff in the world...if u just glance at the news there is raping,killing, drug wars, human trafficing... So much human and animal suffering its terrifying.. Sometimes its easier not to love someone.. Because thats one less person to worry about haha... But if you must hahaha! Just sit down with your parents and explain to them that you are an adult now and you want to have a little more freedom. Ask for their trust and that you will be careful and give examples on how responsible you are. You need to compromise. Ask for a hour more time out and then when you have their trust as for another hour. Good luck I completely agree with you that there is so much danger out there. I respect and appreciate that my parents don't want anything bad to happen to me and they want to protect me from that but usually the farthest I ever go out is to my boyfriend's house two minutes away from my house. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 There is a counselor that is willing to talk to all of us. It's just finding a time that is convenient for all of us is the problem, and getting my stubborn parents to actually go! Did you ask them to go yet? They said no? Link to comment
Ncr23 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 I agree that they are unreasonably controlling. However, you said you were in your third year. I'm guessing your program is four years, so could you try and tough it out for the last year, then hopefully you'll get a higher-paying job and move out? My goal is to get my bachelor'a degree and then I am going to school for physician assistant. That is a 27 month program and I can go to school for that in basically any state. I've been talking to my boyfriend about it and I'm thinking of going to school out of state and he said he'll come with me and help support me. He hates my parents because of how they treat me. Link to comment
Ncr23 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Did you ask them to go yet? They said no? I'm going to have a talk with both of them soon about it. I just tried talking to my mom about how it is about me going out and she completely shut me down like usual and doesn't want to hear anything I have to say. She starts raising her voice and crying. I give up. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 My goal is to get my bachelor'a degree and then I am going to school for physician assistant. That is a 27 month program and I can go to school for that in basically any state. I've been talking to my boyfriend about it and I'm thinking of going to school out of state and he said he'll come with me and help support me. He hates my parents because of how they treat me. Yeah, I think moving out for the next program, even if it's just to another city would be the best thing to do. Link to comment
happyfrank Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 You live with parents. They can have house rules. Just follow them until you move out. I recommend on your boyfriends day off. Go out early so you can spend more time together. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 My friend was living with her parents in her late twenties (she has since moved out) and although they were nowhere near as strict as they were when she was in high school, they still asked where she would be sleeping whenever she was not coming home. I don't think parents ever change that much on this point, no matter how old you get, until you move out on your own. Don't expect your parents to change just because you have passed the magic 18 year point. Link to comment
Ncr23 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 My friend was living with her parents in her late twenties (she has since moved out) and although they were nowhere near as strict as they were when she was in high school, they still asked where she would be sleeping whenever she was not coming home. I don't think parents ever change that much on this point, no matter how old you get, until you move out on your own. Don't expect your parents to change just because you have passed the magic 18 year point. I just think they need to loosen up a little and trust me more. I am very responsible and I have always taken care of myself. I may not pay for groceries but I cook for myself and do my own laundry and I work hard and stay out of trouble. I could understand if I was very irresponsible and lazy and they treated me accordingly but I am far from that. So I'm not really basing this off my age, I'm just saying that being the person that I am, they should be able to trust me more. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 It doesn't sound as though it has anything to do with you though. Are they generally fearful people? Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I just think they need to loosen up a little and trust me more. I am very responsible and I have always taken care of myself. I may not pay for groceries but I cook for myself and do my own laundry and I work hard and stay out of trouble. I could understand if I was very irresponsible and lazy and they treated me accordingly but I am far from that. So I'm not really basing this off my age, I'm just saying that being the person that I am, they should be able to trust me more. I guess my point is that in my experience (mine and that of friends) this is how most parents are to some degree. Again, your situation does sound extreme. But it's not a reflection of you and how mature or responsible you are. Fighting them on it or trying to reason with them is unlikely to have much effect and it seems like it will actually lead to you being more unhappy with the situation. Just my take. Link to comment
capilot Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Relevant: image removed Yeah, I get that you're still in school. Any chance you can hang on one more year? Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 My friend was living with her parents in her late twenties (she has since moved out) and although they were nowhere near as strict as they were when she was in high school, they still asked where she would be sleeping whenever she was not coming home. I don't think parents ever change that much on this point, no matter how old you get, until you move out on your own. Don't expect your parents to change just because you have passed the magic 18 year point. Yeah, I'm back at home at age 26 after being gone at university for four years. While my mother wouldn't give me a curfew if I wasn't going to be spending the night at home she would want to know where I was. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I've been talking to my boyfriend about it and I'm thinking of going to school out of state and he said he'll come with me and help support me. Why don't you consider supporting yourself? I realize it might take a bit longer and you might end up with a little debt, but do you really want to get into a situation where your boyfriend is helping to support you financially? What happens if you break up? It sounds like you're just going from one situation where you don't take care of yourself to a similar one. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Why don't you consider supporting yourself? I realize it might take a bit longer and you might end up with a little debt, but do you really want to get into a situation where your boyfriend is helping to support you financially? What happens if you break up? It sounds like you're just going from one situation where you don't take care of yourself to a similar one. Yeah, I've also seen situations in which one partner financially supports the other but holds it over their head like a guilt trip that they're supporting them. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.