Should I just end it?

[DMC]

Hey everyone. My wife and I have been together in a relationship for almost 10 years now, and we have been married for 2. We have a beautiful daughter who has just turned 1 and she is my world, I love her to bits and nothing makes me happier than being with her. However, I honestly cant say the same for my wife. For a while now, our relationship has broken down quite badly and I can feel my feeling just slipping away day by day. We used to be good together, but now we barely spend anytime with each other. She is mostly spending time with her best friend by either going out clubbing or by bringing her down to our house to do girl stuff like movies and doing each others nails etc. Our sex life has become non existent and it has got to the point where we would have sex 2-3 times in 4 months. I have tried my best talking to her to try and iron things out and it just seems that whatever I do it just goes back to normal again.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I am not happy in this marriage and if i am being honest, the only thing keeping me here is my daughter. I have never cheated before, nor have I ever felt the urge to because I am not that type of person. I have spoke to my close friends about this and they seem to think that I am just going to get myself into a downward spiral if i stay with in this relationship but I just don't know anymore. It isn't fair on her, staying with her when my feelings are nowhere near the same as what they used to be, and it's not fair on me either staying in a relationship where I am not happy. I'm 24, she is the first girl that I have been with but I am almost certain it's for the best if we part ways. Any advice for me?

[ls88]

We used to be good together, but now we barely spend anytime with each other. She is mostly spending time with her best friend by either going out clubbing or by bringing her down to our house to do girl stuff like movies and doing each others nails etc. Our sex life has become non existent

 

She either already has something on the side or is doing her best to find someone. I'll bet the best friend knows what's up. Married women that go clubbing are usually cruising for men. I can tell you from firsthand experience. Don't be surprised if she suddenly feels you should try a trial separation or she needs some extra space to find herself.

[becomingkate]

If you've been together since you were both 14, then it's likely that the relationship is dying a natural death. Going clubbing, having a lot of "girls" nights make it seem as though she's trying to live the life of the college girl, rather than a wife & mother.

 

I agree that it seems better to part ways. It's tough, but if you put the focus on your daughter, and what's best for her, then hopefully everyone will come out of it okay.

[DMC]

She either already has something on the side or is doing her best to find someone. I'll bet the best friend knows what's up. Married women that go clubbing are usually cruising for men. I can tell you from firsthand experience. Don't be surprised if she suddenly feels you should try a trial separation or she needs some extra space to find herself.

 

My good friend was talking to me about this at the weekend when we went out for his birthday and I can honestly say with the way I am feeling, I wouldn't care if she asked for a separation, thats just the way my feelings are at the moment. In a way, and I know this probably sounds awful, but if she was cheating or cruising for guys, it would at least give me ammunition for breaking up. I'm not experienced with relationships, I have had one girlfriend and its her so I don't know how to go about breaking up with someone. I talked to her a few months back and she was trying to put me through a guilt trip by saying if I left her then she would be best just ending everything (her life) because she couldnt cope. Having that weigh on my mind bothers me too.

[DMC]

If you've been together since you were both 14, then it's likely that the relationship is dying a natural death. Going clubbing, having a lot of "girls" nights make it seem as though she's trying to live the life of the college girl, rather than a wife & mother.

 

I agree that it seems better to part ways. It's tough, but if you put the focus on your daughter, and what's best for her, then hopefully everyone will come out of it okay.

 

Thats what my mum and dad said. They said that shes trying to live the life of a single woman whilst leaving me alone in the house to look after our daughter. I would say she spends more time with her 'bestie' than she does with me.

[becomingkate]

Thats what my mum and dad said. They said that shes trying to live the life of a single woman whilst leaving me alone in the house to look after our daughter. I would say she spends more time with her 'bestie' than she does with me.

 

It sounds like you'd get a lot of support from your folks if you decide to leave. Would you be able to take custody, or is she a good mum otherwise?

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

When you marry someone, it is for better or worse. Not two years later "Our sex life has diminished and she is always out. I am losing feelings for her"

 

I don't agree that you should just go your separate ways. At least not yet. You have been together for a long time and have a child together. She doesn't sound like she has been a very responsible mother or a good wife lately, but maybe she is going through something?

 

You obviously love her very much. Relationships are hard work, and many times they don't work out in the end. However, I don't think you should throw in the towel just yet. Give it a fighting chance. I think you should talk to her about everything, how it is making you feel, and try marriage counseling.

[becomingkate]

When you marry someone, it is for better or worse. Not two years later "Our sex life has diminished and she is always out. I am losing feelings for her"

 

I don't agree that you should just go your separate ways. At least not yet. You have been together for a long time and have a child together. She doesn't sound like she has been a very responsible mother or a good wife lately, but maybe she is going through something?

 

You obviously love her very much. Relationships are hard work, and many times they don't work out in the end. However, I don't think you should throw in the towel just yet. Give it a fighting chance. I think you should talk to her about everything, how it is making you feel, and try marriage counseling.

 

Since this is the 1st relationship for both and they've been together since they were 14, don't you think that staying is just dragging it out?

[ls88]

Divorce is easy in the states. I hope it is in Northern Ireland. No reason to stay in a loveless marriage.

[DMC]

It sounds like you'd get a lot of support from your folks if you decide to leave. Would you be able to take custody, or is she a good mum otherwise?

 

I'm not sure how custody would work if we eventually split. Legal system doesn't always favour the fathers over here but I would like to think something like that would be sorted out without between us without the need for legal aides.

 

When you marry someone, it is for better or worse. Not two years later "Our sex life has diminished and she is always out. I am losing feelings for her"

 

I don't agree that you should just go your separate ways. At least not yet. You have been together for a long time and have a child together. She doesn't sound like she has been a very responsible mother or a good wife lately, but maybe she is going through something?

 

You obviously love her very much. Relationships are hard work, and many times they don't work out in the end. However, I don't think you should throw in the towel just yet. Give it a fighting chance. I think you should talk to her about everything, how it is making you feel, and try marriage counseling.

 

It's not just about the sex life, it's about my feelings towards her. I have tried to talk to her about it all, she would agree to help make it better and then within a week we would be straight back to square one. I don't want to waste my time by continuing to talk talk and talk then have her promise me this that and other and then have it all blow up and go back to where we started. It feels when we take a step forward, immediately we take 2 steps back and it's so frustrating. I'm still young, I don't want to be someone who stays in a relationship and is unhappy all the time. Our routine is fairly standard - We wake up around 8am because thats when our daughter decides its time to giggle and shout - I take her down to get breakfast whilst my wife stays in bed to 2pm because she is tired. She then goes out to either her mothers or her friends then she will come home and either bring her friend down or go to her friends house. Again.. I MUST stress this, the sex is the last thing on my mind, its trying to get us to actually be together but that isn't happening.

[DMC]

Divorce is easy in the states. I hope it is in Northern Ireland. No reason to stay in a loveless marriage.

 

I honestly couldn't say wether or not it's easy it's the whole custody or viewing rights of the child is what concerns me. My daughter is my life and I would be devastated if I wasn't in her life all the time. One of my friends seperated from his partner and he only gets to see his son a total of 4 hours every week! I wouldn't ever let that happen to me but if it comes down to our courts..who knows what would happen.

[tattoobunnie]

Very important for custody...document her behavior, daily journal entry...that she is never home to rear the child! Sue for sole custody! She's sounds like an incompetent mom who will not be there for her child.

 

BuTTTT before you do this...is she gay? I've known friends who've gotten into the same situation...always hanging out with their bestie, no sex with the spouse...turned out they were gay.

[DMC]

Very important for custody...document her behavior, daily journal entry...that she is never home to rear the child! Sue for sole custody! She's sounds like an incompetent mom who will not be there for her child.

 

BuTTTT before you do this...is she gay? I've known friends who've gotten into the same situation...always hanging out with their bestie, no sex with the spouse...turned out they were gay.

 

It would be the smart thing to do but I couldn't do that to herm I couldn't do it to anyone unless she was abusing the child which she isn't. When she is around she is a good mother, but I couldn't go out of my way to force her out of her life.

 

As for the gay thing...I am not sure on that, it's a very valid point you make but I'm not sure at all.

[tattoobunnie]

Going out all night to go clubbing...um...and running off with her friends all the time...you are doing it for the benefit of your daughter!!! This woman does not make your daughter her top priority. If you want to be the best dad, don't leave her with a bum mom. Even with sole custody, she would still get to see her, but you call the shots on when, where, and how. I mean, half with you, half with her, while she comes from drunk...man up. Be brave and stick up for your daughter and yourself.

 

I'm a mom too, and I don't stick my husband with our child every chance I get. I'm home each night with them, unless me and my hubby are going out on a date, maybe once a month for a few hours. Then, my folks are watching him.

 

Sole custody does not equal she won't see her anymore!!! Get that straight! It means, you will not have to give your wife child support, which she will probably use it for clubbing, boozing, picking up new partners. Your little girl gets to live with you...a man who will give her a stable home.

 

Don't punk out! Don't let your daughter get semi-raised by a half-there mom.

[Mariana345]

Thats what my mum and dad said. They said that shes trying to live the life of a single woman whilst leaving me alone in the house to look after our daughter. I would say she spends more time with her 'bestie' than she does with me.

 

Yes, I agree with this. My mother married at 18 and have me two years later, so she missed a lot in life. It came to a point where, when I became 18 and do my stuff I could feel her envy and we fought a lot. She left my father (and us) after 20 years of marriage and then proceeded to live the "young life" (only that she was kind of old for the things she was doing).

 

I don't know, maybe a time separated will give you both the perspective you need. I wish you luck with this.

[lostandhurt]

This is a tough spot but you need to remember that you have a child that wants their parents together. Remember that what ever you do.

 

Don't throw away this marraige so quickly just yet. When everything is said and done you don't want any regrets.

 

It is time to get a third party involved that has an outside perspective. Counseling if available or perhaps someone at your church could sit with you both and listen as you BOTH express how you are feeling.

 

Her behavoir is classic for someone that think they missed out on something when they were younger and are trying to capture that or live that life now. She is being very selfish there is no doubt but that doesn't mean she can't see how she is hurting you and the marraige and stop. Please make one last attempt to begin to repair the damage that has been done over the years before you consider ending it.

 

Lastly; Proving someone is an unfit parent is very hard to do if all they are doing is going out with friends. The court will look at it like she left your daughter with you safe at home and went out. It isn't like she left her in the car or at home alone while she went out. I am not saying what she is doing is right but the legal system sees things differently.

 

If you try and she won't go to counseling then she has made the choice for you hasn't she? Take your time and try one last time but don't just talk to her, get help. There must be someone or some services in your area that can help.

 

((HUGS)) to your child

 

Good luck

Lost