Met a girl, we cleared the air about our feelings, not sure what to do next.

[Jake_hope]

I recently broke up with my long distance girlfriend in October. I told myself I will not get into another relationship for awhile until I am ready again.

 

Last week, I met a really amazing girl and we hit it off. We hanged out with each other for a a week straight! After the first 3 days hanging out with her, I told myself...I can't hang out with her for awhile because 3 days in a row is too much. On the 3rd day, I kissed her and that was it. Then on the 4th day, we sat in a car and cleared the air about what is going on. I told her I did not want a girlfriend nor did I want to sleep with her, she felt the same way. The reason we both agree'd on not sleeping with each other is because its too soon and that it will most likely screw up what we have now, it would take the mystery away. We both agreed to just hang out and see were it goes. I guess this is consider taking it slow.

 

She started hanging out with my friends and I on the 5th and 6th day. One of my friends, asked me if there was anything going on with her and I, I told him the situation and asked why? He said he was interested in her and wanted to know if he should back off or not. I said it would not be a good idea to go after her because her and I have a small thing going on at the moment. We all went bowling and they were very friendly with each other, but knowing he was somewhat interested, I started to be jealous kinda. I started to become paranoid that she would end up liking him and things will get complicated.

 

After noticing all these things, I have come to the conclusion of a few things. I am definitely not ready for a relationship because I am feeling jealous and worried my good friend is going to backstab me. Also, I am letting my feelings take the best of me by rushing into things with her by kissing her. I just want to kiss her every time I see her but I resist.

 

Today was the 7th day of seeing her and I told myself that I will not see her again until maybe a week from now. The more I see her the more feelings I have and I am not sure what to do with it. Shes an amazing girl and I wish I met her later in life.

 

I am not sure what to do now, any advice and questions would be nice. Thank you.

[The_Seeker]

Oh my god, you sound like a guy that I had my way with.

 

You do NOT know what you want and need just yet. You're just going with the flow.

 

I would tell her that you are not ready for a relationship. Also, I would tell my friend to have her. Why? Because you are wasting her time [she is definitely reading your signals and your communication of words just right] and you are letting your cautious side/fear/etc determine your present and future interaction with her.

 

Good luck.

[Ms Darcy]

If you are not really pursuing this girl full-on, it's kind of unfair to tell someone who might be a great bf not to do so. It should be her choice and not yours, imo.

[Jake_hope]

If you are not really pursuing this girl full-on, it's kind of unfair to tell someone who might be a great bf not to do so. It should be her choice and not yours, imo.

 

I was just going with the flow with her, then I invited her out with my best friends. He asked me if there was anything going on between us and that he was interested. It was the moment that he asked that I had to admit to myself that something is going on between her and I.

[The_Seeker]

I was just going with the flow with her, then I invited her out with my best friends. He asked me if there was anything going on between us and that he was interested. It was the moment that he asked that I had to admit to myself that something is going on between her and I.

 

Yeah but you're conflicted which is never a good thing to have when pursuing or dating someone. You got to upfront about it.

[Ms Darcy]

If you are not ready for a relationship, why are you telling him that it's not a good idea to pursue her? .... other than jealousy.

[Jake_hope]

Guess cause I am not sure what to do, I know I don't want a relationship simply because I don't want to mess things up with her due to emotional baggage.

 

I guess I told him not to pursue her because I really like this girl, and its not like she doesn't feel the same way, shes on the exact same page as me...that's why I like her so much!

 

I just don't want drama between us 3, shes a great girl I met and introduced her to my best friend. I am scared that things might get complicated between us 3.

[The_Seeker]

Guess cause I am not sure what to do, I know I don't want a relationship simply because I don't want to mess things up with her due to emotional baggage.

 

I guess I told him not to pursue her because I really like this girl, and its not like she doesn't feel the same way, shes on the exact same page as me...that's why I like her so much!

 

I just don't want drama between us 3, shes a great girl I met and introduced her to my best friend. I am scared that things might get complicated between us 3.

 

 

Selfish aren't we?

 

Then clean up your act and get into a relationship with her. Or you let her go and let her and your best friend get together until you clean up your baggage.

[jordesse]

Seeker is right. If you don't want an exclusive relationship with her, then you need to let her go and be free to date your friend if she wishes. You can't place her on hold until you are ready. She is not your back up plan.

 

Having said that though, I don't really get it when someone says they aren't ready for a relationship. To me, being in a relationship with someone means you are only dating that person and no one else. Taking it slow can be done "in a relationship". You don't need to rush into making out, kissing, sex, seeing them everyday etc

 

I would have another talk to her and ask her if she wishes to date others as well as yourself. Then you will know is she is on the same page as you.

[Jake_hope]

Selfish aren't we?

 

Then clean up your act and get into a relationship with her. Or you let her go and let her and your best friend get together until you clean up your baggage.

 

Her and I are on the same page about what we want, no rushing into a relationship and just see were it goes. Just because my friend is interested in her now, I have to rush things and make decisions?

[Slimpee]

C'mon, the OP's friend should take care not to start pursuing.

[The_Seeker]

Her and I are on the same page about what we want, no rushing into a relationship and just see were it goes. Just because my friend is interested in her now, I have to rush things and make decisions?

 

No, you are not on the same page.

 

She doesn't have baggage like you do.

 

Uh yea? Dude, seriously. Let her know you are interested in getting to know her more and being in a relationship with her but you want to take it slow. That's what your intention is?

 

Or is it just I wanna go with the flow and see where it goes despite the fact I still have baggage? And don't want to let you go just yet?

 

Yeah sounds like she is an awesome library book.

[The_Seeker]

Seeker is right. If you don't want an exclusive relationship with her, then you need to let her go and be free to date your friend if she wishes. You can't place her on hold until you are ready. She is not your back up plan.

 

Having said that though, I don't really get it when someone says they aren't ready for a relationship. To me, being in a relationship with someone means you are only dating that person and no one else. Taking it slow can be done "in a relationship". You don't need to rush into making out, kissing, sex, seeing them everyday etc

 

I would have another talk to her and ask her if she wishes to date others as well as yourself. Then you will know is she is on the same page as you.

 

Because they don't know what they want. Can't deal when they want something due to fear and risk. Seriously, the OP has too much baggage and does need to let the girl go. But it's up to the girl's choice whether or not she wants to stay with a guy who doesn't want things to progress and is worried 24/7 or with a guy who is interested in her and willing to take the risk.

[jordesse]

C'mon, the OP's friend should take care not to start pursuing.

 

Why should he? The girl is single and the op doesn't want a relationship with her. The situation isn't that the op is seeing where things go with this girl. He specifically said he isn't ready for a relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

Why should he? The girl is single and the op doesn't want a relationship with her. The situation isn't that the op is seeing where things go with this girl. He specifically said he isn't ready for a relationship.

 

Exactly. As it is, she is single and they are not exclusive. No reason for him to block her way to see others if she wants.

[Slimpee]

Exactly. As it is, she is single and they are not exclusive. No reason for him to block her way to see others if she wants.

 

I believe that Guy Code dictates careful treading of water in this area. If a friend has gotten involved w/ a girl, I believe that you have to ask him where they are. If they're dating, hands off. If he's curious as to where it could go, probably hands off. Further, I think you should ask the friend if he'd be upset if you asked her out. If he says yes, you have to weigh the value of the friendship vs. going out with this woman.

 

On the other hand, if you're unsure about a woman, it's not fair to "claim" her and if your buddy thinks they could get along well, you should want him to be happy. Kinda like "sh*t or get off the pot".

 

Basically, the friend should tread really lightly and the OP should carefully consider whether or not he wants to continue to see her. If not, he should give his buddy the green light.

 

Keep in mind, this is isn't about calling "dibs" or something, and obviously a woman isn't a possession, i'm just saying that Guy Code dictates deference to your buddies.

[The_Seeker]

I believe that Guy Code dictates careful treading of water in this area. If a friend has gotten involved w/ a girl, I believe that you have to ask him where they are. If they're dating, hands off. If he's curious as to where it could go, probably hands off. Further, I think you should ask the friend if he'd be upset if you asked her out. If he says yes, you have to weigh the value of the friendship vs. going out with this woman.

 

LMAO, Guy Code? Sorry, I don't see a ring on her finger nor do I hear about her status being taken by the OP.

 

So she has the freedom to do what she wants her life even with the "Guy Code."

 

Gosh, going up with the Barney Stintson.

 

On the other hand, if you're unsure about a woman, it's not fair to "claim" her and if your buddy thinks they could get along well, you should want him to be happy. Kinda like "sh*t or get off the pot".

 

Basically, the friend should tread really lightly and the OP should carefully consider whether or not he wants to continue to see her. If not, he should give his buddy the green light.

 

Keep in mind, this is isn't about calling "dibs" or something, and obviously a woman isn't a possession, i'm just saying that Guy Code dictates deference to your buddies.

 

It is so calling dibs. OP's friend has to get "permission." [rolls eyes]

[Slimpee]

LMAO, Guy Code? Sorry, I don't see a ring on her finger nor do I hear about her status being taken by the OP.

 

So she has the freedom to do what she wants her life even with the "Guy Code."

 

Gosh, going up with the Barney Stintson.

 

It is so calling dibs. OP's friend has to get "permission." [rolls eyes]

 

It's not about the girl, it's about respect. No, he doesn't need "permission" but I feel that it's courteous. I've had this come up with friends before and there is always respect given.

 

Again, it's about respecting your guy friends.

 

For example, just a few days ago a buddy told me that I could probably hook up with an attractive mutual friend. A close guy friend of mine had feelings for her for a while but they didn't work out. I know that he'd probably be bummed if I hooked up with her so I would never do it. If she and I were in love, or there was that potential, it'd be a different story, but you get the picture.

[Ms Darcy]

On the other hand, if you're unsure about a woman, it's not fair to "claim" her and if your buddy thinks they could get along well, you should want him to be happy. Kinda like "sh*t or get off the pot".

 

I think this is where I am at. He's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship and while it's good the friend asked (as the friend should), how fair is it to BOTH OF THEM to tell the friend not to pursue a woman he is actually not going to pursue for a relationship?

[Slimpee]

I think this is where I am at. He's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship and while it's good the friend asked (as the friend should), how fair is it to BOTH OF THEM to tell the friend not to pursue a woman he is actually not going to pursue for a relationship?

 

Very true. I didn't read the original post super carefully.

[The_Seeker]

It's not about the girl, it's about respect. No, he doesn't need "permission" but I feel that it's courteous. I've had this come up with friends before and there is always respect given.

 

RESPECT?

 

You wanna talk about respect. Is the OP respecting the girl to give her the freedom to choose? No.

 

So tell me something about respect.

 

Courteous? Did you see anywhere in the OP's message if he was courteous to the girl? No.

 

Your "Guy Code" works with your guy friends.

 

HOWEVER, in this situation, it does not work with the OP.

 

He doesn't WANT a relationship with the girl just YET. But his GUY FRIEND wants her. How is that fair?

 

OP is being selfish by claiming the girl like a property instead of treating her that he actually wants a relationship with her and he is not respecting the "Guy Code" because he didn't respect his friend by being fair. If he was, it should have been "Let the Best Man win."

 

 

Again, it's about respecting your guy friends.

 

Repeat from the above.

 

 

For example, just a few days ago a buddy told me that I could probably hook up with an attractive mutual friend. A close guy friend of mine had feelings for her for a while but they didn't work out. I know that he'd probably be bummed if I hooked up with her so I would never do it. If she and I were in love, or there was that potential, it'd be a different story, but you get the picture.

 

You choose what you want to do. So does the OP.

 

I just the girl realizes that the OP is treating her like a property the whole time and didn't want to develop a relationship with her because of his baggage and wasn't ready when she may have feelings for the other guy.

 

Yeah I sound harsh because I have low tolerance for selfish people who doesn't know what they want and need.

[Jake_hope]

Hey guys, sorry I didn't update sooner.

 

She has the freedom to do as she wishes, I am not holding onto her nor telling her what to do. She can date anyone she wants.

 

We talked more about it:

 

She recently broke up with her boyfriend and I recently broke up with my girlfriend. She does not want to get into a relationship nor do I for one simple reason. We both don't want to mess things up. I told her today I wish I met her a year from now because things would be different, she agreed. She told me that despite our current situation, she wants to see me and hang out with me and lets just go with the flow, I agreed. We have no labels, we are not rushing anything. We are having fun with each other and enjoying the new found bonding of each other. The reason it got kind of confusing is because since we both stated we are not dating each other, what are we then? The subject of sex was brought up and I said " I do not want to have sex with you because it will ruin things", she agreed.

 

That is were we stand at the moment.

 

I invited her out with my best friends, we had a grand ole time together. My best friend called me and asked if there was anything going on with her and I, at first I didn't know how to answer him because 1) her and I are not dating 2) her and I are not having sex ( F buddy ). With that said, he goes " not sure what you guys are but, how would you feel if I was interested?" The second he said that, I had a no idea what to tell him, except, "no, I don't think it would be a good idea if you pursue her because her and I have something, not sure what yet but there something there". He said " okay, ill back off". After this phone call, we all hanged out, Her and him were being friendly with each other, under normal conditions I would not mind, but the SIMPLE fact that he said he was interested, it clouded my judgement. Which lead into me feeling jealous, confused and not sure what to do.

 

I came to this board for help.

 

I called my best friend again and we cleared the air, he is not going to pursue her at all. Since there "something" between her and I, it would be extremely weird for him to pursue her because I would have to back off and not be able to interact with her like how I do normally ( being flirty and whatevers). My buddy and I agreed, he was being a "bro" by asking me. He said that if I was not interested in her at all, then it would be a different story.

 

I am all for competition, if another guys wants to date her and pursue her fine, I dont care. I do not want to be in direct competition with my best friend, that is were the guy code or respect came in line. Sure I do not want a relationship, but I am not sure what I want, I don't want to make quick rash decisions because my friend is interested. Without my friend trying to pursue her, I don't have to rush things and keep things slow and steady.

 

Hope that clears some things up.

[Slimpee]

Sounds like y'all worked it out well! Good friends...