How to confront my bfs mother about her behaviour?

[JDoll20]

My bfs mother thinks that their isn't any issue between her and I. My bf thinks the same but really I have some real issue to confront her on. She's constantly criticizing how I eat and how I cook her her son. I get it, she just want to help but I wish she would lay off. Lastly, she is always in the middle of my relationship with her son. I don't get in the middle of her and my bfs relationship so why would she interfer in ours?

 

I take responsibility in not confronting her like, a year ago but now I'm just tired of it. I have no clue in how to confront her without coming off as a bi***. Even though she come off as that too me and never apologize. I really need some advice on this before it goes any further than it has. Oh, lastly..we all live together and that makes things more awkward for me. My bf and I found a place this week and are moving out by the end of this month.

 

Their's a list of things I can go on about what she's put me through but I pretty much summed it up.

[DN]

If you are moving out why not just let it go?

[JDoll20]

I thought about that solution as well but I don't think I can. She will always act this way because everyone, including my bf let her actions slide. I don't think I can let it slide anymore. I want her to know how I feel before leaving because I do not see myself in a new home and she still act this way.

[HeartGoesOn]

Once you decide to address this type of issue, it usually travels in a downward spiral. Of course although I do understand your concern, when it comes to family or in-laws, a wiser choice would be to pick your battles.

[JDoll20]

So what would be the best thing to do? Let it go? Or when she act out again against me just ignore it? I've been doing this and its caused nothing but more of her running all over me.

[becomingkate]

So what would be the best thing to do? Let it go? Or when she act out again against me just ignore it? I've been doing this and its caused nothing but more of her running all over me.

 

I'd let it go until she says something that is out of bounds. If she starts in on how you're cooking, I would probably say something like "I appreciate your thoughts on it but I like doing it this way."

 

If she starts in on what/how you're eating, I might say "Thank you for your concern, I'll take it under advisement."

 

Just keep repeating the same thing.

 

My first husband's mother was like your bf's mother and after I left him, his brothers often blamed her for how meddling she was. Ten years later I was on my lunch break at the mall and she came up to my table and actually apologized for doing it! I was stunned.

[Seraphim]

My in-laws repeatedly put me down for 25 years no matter how nice I was to them. My counselor suggested that I tell my husband how I feel about that and how I feel when he did not support me. My husband told me he never even really noticed how they treated me and he hadn't even considered how I felt. Your boyfriend could be the same. I made my choice to not interact with my in-laws or have very little contact. My husband is fine with that as long as he is not stopped from seeing them. I would never stop him from seeing his own parents he can see them whenever he wants. It does not mean I have to though.

[abitbroken]

I assume that you are living in her home and not the other way around. If you are living in her home and using her kitchen, she is going to comment about how you make stuff. That is just the way it goes. When I am in my mom's kitchen, she is always telling me the obvious "you have to stir that!" Living on another woman's turf is not easy like that. Also, she may know how your boyfriends likes things and is trying to give you tips but it is coming out badly.

 

The the other factor is if she hears you guys argue or disagree in her home and she is right there - or if she sees one is really tired but has to pick the other one up from work - of course she is going to say something.

 

I would just let some of it go, but as far as the cooking, why not say "oh, thanks for the advice, but this is a different recipe than yours.." or point blank "am I not making this correctly? " and that usually gets people to realize what they are doing. And add "Sometimes when you say that it makes me feel..."

 

Your bf doesn't "see" the kitchen stuff as a big deal.

 

If you think the mom is going to keep interfering once you move out and its a big deal, maybe live separately from your boyfriend for awhile to decide if its an issue in your relationship or not rather than moving forward and living with him some more.

[Seraphim]

Yes it is worse if you live in another woman's turf. It might settle down when you move into your own place. I know I would rather live on the street than live with my mother-in-law.

[chickydoodle]

She will always act this way because everyone, including my bf let her actions slide.

Not necessarily.

You have done really well to get through a year. Dont undo it all by confronting her now. I so agree with everything said here.

The dynamic between you will change...once you move out. She may respect you more through missing you....

[JDoll20]

Thanks..I guess I can do that. Some part of me will have to not take everything personal.

[JDoll20]

Ok, I think I can do it.

[JDoll20]

I understand that and I try to stay out of her way. I just wish she would be nicer about it. I just don't like it when someone asks me one thing and do another and criticize me for it. My bf and I use to disagree on the issue about how his mother is and well his strategy is to ignore her and not tke what she says personally. He told me when we get our place, everythign will be better, being that it's our home and what we do is what we do.

[JDoll20]

My bf did the same thing, I kept it inside for a while then when I told him, he didn't believe it but then when I left when I started back another semester in college..he saw all the things she did and the way she acted..then he told her to not bother me so much and let me have my space. Also he told her that its none of her business or right to be mad when i get upset because I have a right to be when she act out. It took a while for him to stand up to me but I'm glad he came around. Now it's just like we are back at square one and the only way that I'll be sane is when we move out.

[chickydoodle]

View it as a lesson in tolerance. She may be in the wrong but as another poster said you've gotta pick your battles. You will never win against a mother in law........esp one like this. She is flawed. Accept it and dont add oil to the fire...

[JDoll20]

ok..I guess I can do that.

[kate150]

I agree that when you move out things will get better. It will be your kitchen and she will not feel so comfortable criticizing you there. If she does say something that offends you there is always the "this is our house and we do it this way here" kind of response. She will eventually get the picture that you do things your way in your home regardless of her opinions.

[JDoll20]

I so agree, I just hope she realizes that what goes around comes around..but I'm not a mean person like she is but I do believe in that motto. All of your advice helped me..she isn't home yet and well I'm just going to keep shut and if she get out of line at that moment, I will tell her to stop.

[chickydoodle]

if she get out of line at that moment, I will tell her to stop.

 

or just go to your room and take a few moments. I think if you reacted by telling her 'to stop' you would need to be very careful to not unleash the rest of the emotion that is simmering......

You are looking for an excuse ( and there would be many) to lash out. Just be careful. You have done so well.

I would physicaly remove myself from her presence instead of any verbal stuff.

 

You can do it. Of course you can. It will be ''such a long climb back'' if you lose it with her now.

[The_Seeker]

I would confront her.

 

I mean you are not any different from her. I get it if she is an Avatar/X-Mutant/Ninja etc but she's not pro super human being.

 

Besides, you got no time dealing with childish behavior. Maybe no one has ever confronted her until you.

 

I mean if you're willing to tolerate it, then don't complain.

 

Right now, I see you're frustrated and don't like the disrespect, so might as well say what you have to say unless you want to grow white hair and be wrinkle due to anger go for it.

[Seraphim]

I would confront her.

 

I mean you are not any different from her. I get it if she is an Avatar/X-Mutant/Ninja etc but she's not pro super human being.

 

Besides, you got no time dealing with childish behavior. Maybe no one has ever confronted her until you.

 

I mean if you're willing to tolerate it, then don't complain.

 

Right now, I see you're frustrated and don't like the disrespect, so might as well say what you have to say unless you want to grow white hair and be wrinkle due to anger go for it.

If you're going to confront someone in their own house though be prepared not to live there anymore. They have one month to go before they move. The mother may throw them out if she gets in a fight with her.

[JDoll20]

I decided to wait until yesterday evening the agent that was suppose to give us a tour said that the property is no longer on the market I am soooo irate right now and upset. My bf said that he wouldn't even be able to afford the down payment the bank needed for him to get the bank loan. I'm thinking maybe applyung for a dorm at school and pay the loans later when I finish school. Plus I agree I have been tolerable and doing the right thing so far. I don't think she would kick me out if I confront her because she know my bf will leave as well so she is going to whatever she can to keep her son home. She dont even want him to move out.

[The_Seeker]

If you're going to confront someone in their own house though be prepared not to live there anymore. They have one month to go before they move. The mother may throw them out if she gets in a fight with her.

 

In that case, OP hurry up and save up fast and move out.

 

All I know i wouldn't be afraid. If she decides to kick me out so be it. I would go find someone new. If my boyfriend could not stand to his mother, that tells me something.

[JDoll20]

I'm suppose to have an interview in a few weeks for a new job. I'm hoping everything will go well. I really just wantthings to be better, for myself. I don't think he really like what she do but he love her..cause she's his mom and he don't want to her hurt. but he fail to realize or choose to not see that when that happens, I'm being hurt at the end of the day.