Feedback from women please: does the lack of a red light mean a green light?

[psycho magnet]

So I'm curious as to what people, particularly women, think about the following. Before I get to my point, it requires a little setup.

 

In my last post here, I mentioned the girl I've been seeing and how she says she's into me, is fully there with me when we do hang out, but doesn't make much of an effort to hang out in the first place. We went on a trip together and had a great time, and some of you recommended that I leave it up to her to make plans when we get back, and this is exactly what I've been doing. She's been texting me, and I've been responding, but I haven't hinted at or made any effort to suggest we hang out.

 

The thing I'm wondering is, what if her texting me at all is, in her mind, a clue that she does want to hang out? And she's hoping that I'll be the one to ask?

 

I say this because I read someone's post on here earlier, from a female, which basically said that the guy she was interested in had sent her a Facebook message to which she didn't respond, and yet she still expected the guy to make plans with her and continue to pursue. She didn't say no.

 

I'm also reminded of a former girlfriend of mine who did the following. Once we were about to have sex and she didn't really seem to be into it. So I said, "seems like you're not really in the mood," turned away, and went to sleep. But the next morning she was upset with me and said, "why did you stop last night?" Amazed, I said, "because you were just lying there and didn't seem to be into it!" Then she said something I'll never forget. She said, "well i wasn't stopping you." The fact that she wasn't stopping me, to her, meant that she still wanted it.

 

I guess what I'm wondering is, do some women feel that merely not telling a guy no directly is an indication that she's into him? Do some women just want the guy to keep pursuing them even if they're not giving more obvious indications that they're into him?

 

I'm still not going to ask my current girl to hang out again until she does. Personally, I think this attitude from women is bull ****. I think that the guy deserves some sort of stronger feedback, but maybe a female perspective can tell me why I'm wrong...

[becomingkate]

I know that I am guilty of it - thinking that my partner/lover should just "know" what I want without actually saying anything. But I think it's always best to speak up and state things so that it's not misconstrued.

 

the next morning she was upset with me and said, "why did you stop last night?" Amazed, I said, "because you were just lying there and didn't seem to be into it!" Then she said something I'll never forget. She said, "well i wasn't stopping you." The fact that she wasn't stopping me, to her, meant that she still wanted it.

 

^I don't agree with your ex on this. Just because she didn't shout "NO" doesn't mean you should keep going, especially when it comes to sex!

[LoveSoDeep]

I went back to your last post...after the tri she told you she was goin on another trip (which she asked yo to join her on) and said she wanted to see you when she got back...what part of that is vague? Is she back from her other trip? In her texts does she ask you about what you are doing or what your plans are?

[and so it goes]

Yes, women are very different from men, and each woman is very different from the next. One cannot say that just because "Jane" does this, then "Susan" is doing the same thing.

Some women like to be pursued, perhaps this is one of them.

 

ps: even the most good self-esteem, secure seeming woman has masses of insecurity just rolling around and messing with her head. Being asked out by the man, ensure the woman that he is interested.

 

I guess....it's all pretty mysterious to me - see my first sentence.

[MikNomis]

Just call her up and set up another date, it's no biggie IMO.

[psycho magnet]

Yeah lovesodeep, it's true that she said she wanted to see me last I saw her. She just got back from her other trip Sunday, and she actually texted me that night. And she hasn't ignored me or anything. But her texts haven't really asked about what I'm doing. She asked if I was ready for school... I told her I can't wait to hear about her trip, and she didn't really address it... It's also the beginning of the semester and we both have a lot of classes so we're both busy...

 

I dunno, should I ask her to hang out? Is her contacting me enough to suggest she's interested?

[psycho magnet]

The rest of you make good points. Sure, all women are different. But I was more thinking of there being general rules, like women tending to think men should pursue. I want to speak up, but like many of us I'm also fearful of rejection and as coming off as clingy.

 

I don't know how much it matters that this particular girl is one of the most conventionally attractive I've ever been involved with. For example, when we were getting gas once she went to the car and the clerk said, "wow that's your girlfriend? Nice job man!"

[and so it goes]

For example, when we were getting gas once she went to the car and the clerk said, "wow that's your girlfriend? Nice job man!"

 

! I love that feeling. Score! I rule! (hopefully some of her female friends are saying that about you, coz that's a good feeling too.)

[lenni]

The rest of you make good points. Sure, all women are different. But I was more thinking of there being general rules, like women tending to think men should pursue. I want to speak up, but like many of us I'm also fearful of rejection and as coming off as clingy.

 

Dating is so hard! I am a woman and have the same fears as you with a guy I've been out with three times - fear of rejection or coming off as clingy. He's pretty much initiated each time we've gotten together, but I have taken the step of contacting him a couple days after a date to say I had a nice time with him. Today I texted him, said I had a nice time and and then went on to say I'd like to see him again soon. Honestly, I was kind of hoping to see him tonight because right now he only has a couple nights a week free and this is one of them (he has a son). Just seeing him once a week for a few hours when I have to get up for work in the mornings feels very limited. Anyway, he responded and said it was nice seeing me to and then went on to say how he has plans with a guy friend who is in town for work for a night tonight (even though I didn't specifically suggest tonight). That's fine, but then he made no effort to suggest another time soon, so I am leaving it at that and ball is in his court to make things happen.

 

But to answer your question more - I think as women it is sort of drilled into us that men should be the pursuers, that they will lose interest in women who pursue (or pursue too much). I'm not saying that is the actual truth in the real world, but we hear the messages that men need the 'chase' and to feel like they have freedom a lot. I try not to operate under that stereotype/assumption, but it really gets ingrained and, like you, makes us feel fearful of appearing clingy too. I wouldn't say no red light means a green light, exactly. If I wasn't interested in a guy I wouldn't be initiating communication or communicating regularly with him, via text or however. Her desire to be in touch and communicating is somewhat of a green light in my mind. If you ask her out and she says no and then makes no effort to suggest another time, maybe you could just somehow let her know the ball is in her court. Like, 'ok, well I'd like to spend time with you so if you'd like to make plans for a time that works for us both then let me know.

 

As far as the other example regarding the girlfriend who asked why you stopped when she wasn't responding sexually, that is just b.s. Personally I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who wasn't engaged and didn't seem interested, and them not saying no wouldn't be enough for me to continue.

[MikNomis]

Dude seriously this is one of those times you should stop thinking and just go ahead and call her up and set up another meeting.

[HeatherB]

MikNomis is right. Don't get all nitpicky. Just set up another date. If she wants you to do that, what's the big deal?

 

When you get confused about what a woman wants, don't get mad. Ask questions. You don't have to pursue anyone, but think about it. If nobody does any pursuing we just get left with a bunch of people sitting around frustrated, waiting. Guys inherited the pursuer role along with lawn mowing, bug squishing, and car mechanics. You don't have to do it, and chicks are fully capable and often do it too. But that doesn't change the base expectations. If you want something else, it is up to you to ask questions and clarify things with the individual woman involved.

[oldenoughtoknow]

psycho, you said you're having a great time...and you're listening to us? Why? If you're having a great time, you don't need to ask us what to do. Sure, you can always come on here to gloat...

 

Some women are VERY submissive in the beginning of the relationship. Maybe it's them. Maybe it's what their mother taught them. Maybe they read a book. Who cares? So yeah, the lack of a red light does mean a green light. In a way, it's a test of your confidence and your level of interest. A lot of women like that feeling from a relationship candidate, and if you want this one, you have to man up and give it to her.

 

I don't like games and I don't like people who like games. Do you? Be yourself. Don't wait for her to contact you. If you want to talk to her or ask her out again, just do it. If she's as crazy about you as you think she is, believe me, you're going to have to try pretty hard to screw this one up. But you need to stop thinking and over analyzing everything.

[greta96]

She is definitely interested, otherwise she wouldn't be texting. She just doesn't want to come out and ask you on a date herself, for the reasons the other posters mentioned, and is probably wondering how come you don't ask her out already.

[Cope and Hope]

Just because she didn't shout "NO" doesn't mean you should keep going, especially when it comes to sex!

 

 

I believe in some places, that's called rape.

[psycho magnet]

Thanks everyone for the input.

 

psycho, you said you're having a great time...and you're listening to us? Why? If you're having a great time, you don't need to ask us what to do. Sure, you can always come on here to gloat...

 

My previous posts on here made it clear why I still needed advice, even though we had a great time on the trip.

 

I think many of you were right that the signs were there and I should just ask her to hang out again. After all, we had a great time and great sex last I saw her, she said she wanted to see me, and she texted me when she got back. And yet, I texted her yesterday to test the waters, telling her I wanted to hear about her trip and asking her when she could hang out next. She responded today to say that she was super busy the next two weeks, and didn't know when she could hang out next, even though she really wanted to tell me about her trip.

 

This is why I don't get women. Mixed signals, almost constantly. I'm busy too (I'm in a PhD program and teach at a few different universities) but I can always make time for someone I like. I should have listened to Camus in a previous post: it's clear that her actions do not match her words. I'm over it. There's a girl at school (not a student) who I think may be into me. I'm going after her, and I'm not going to skimp on the pursuit this time.

[meczam]

I've known women who from day one can't get enough of me, and the phone is constantly ringing or filling up with texts and I don't get any alone time.

 

It burns me out fast and they're history.

 

Maybe she believes in the strategy of playing hard to get, and she's letting you chase her to build the attraction and keep it there.

 

It's working.

[lenni]

I'm sorry, I know how you feel! I am getting the same thing from a guy - mixed signals. I guess he is busy, but yeah, when you like someone...

[oldenoughtoknow]

Camus is a wise poster. Actions really are all that matter. And you said, people can always make time for someone they want to spend time with.

 

If this woman is playing games to get you to pursue her, forget her. If this woman is the type that wants to have a fabulously flirtatious and busy life and "oh, this guy wants to go out with me, and this guy..., and this guy..., and this guy wants to talk to me about my trip and oh, but I simply don't have the time," forget her. There are good women out there who don't act like this. You deserve one of those.