Why did he lose interest?

[zep]

First of all, let me preface this by saying the man in question is obviously a traditional man's man who likes to pursue.

 

So a couple of weeks ago I posted about a man I met on the way to work who really went out of his way to talk to me and ask me out. He took me on a very nice dinner and we had a great time. He was obviously super into me. Afterwards he called me and asked me to do things everyday for the 3 days I was left in town before I went on a 3.5 week trip. (But I was busy so I always declined). While I was gone for he wrote to me about once a week and liked my pictures. So far so good.

 

Once I got back I think I showed too much interest and his interest in me dropped. He called me the day after I got back just to chat, and didn't ask to see me. I think I showed I was annoyed by this; I should have just played it cool. (mistake 1). He called me the next day and told me he was very tired from the holidays (had guests for three weeks) and he had a TON of work to catch up on with his PhD so he just wanted to stay home. I said that would be fine and agreed to come over the next night, which was a Sunday (mistake 2). The plan was to make dinner and I offered to bring stuff to make part of it. (mistake 3).

 

So the second date went pretty well I thought... although I think I talked too much. (big mistake 4) We made out and he tried to take it further of course but I stopped it and he was really good about it. So the night was strictly PG. He complemented me and seemed really interested but didn't open up as much as I am used to. Granted, I am used to dating 25 years olds not 41 year olds who might have baggage.

 

I forgot to get the cooking stuff I left there (just cooking wine, corn starch, cheap stuff I don't care about) which I think might have been a big mistake, if he thinks I left it there on purpose or implying I would be cooking there again, I don't know. Afterwards he lent me his umbrella (and made a comment like 'as long as you promise to bring it back ') he walked me to the subway and waited with me until the train came. He called me about 30 minutes later to see if I got home all right and wish me sweet dreams. I only live one subway stop away from him so I think that was pretty sweet and showed he likes me.

 

During the date and again at the end of the date he told me his cousin and her friend were coming to stay with him for a few days (I think he said just 2 or 3 days so they would be gone by the weekend). I didn't hear from him until late Tuesday night where he sent me a facebook message saying 'Hi Hun, Hope you are having a great week, my cousin comes into town tomorrow

 

I didn't respond to his message and I really thought he would call me by now. I already have plans for the whole weekend and mon and tues. So even if he calls me this second I couldn't see him until Wens. I really thought he liked me and that he would want to see me again soon.

 

Granted, he works full time, is writing his diseratation (which he told me he was behind on), had guests for 3 weeks over christmas and then his cousin and her friend this week, and obviously has a full life and hobbies... Still, I really think if he was interested he would contact me more. And want to see me at least once a week. Sigh.

 

Thoughts? Should I reply to his fb message? My gut says no. Should I even take his call if he calls me this weekend? I'm not interested in dating a man who isn't super interested in me, but maybe I'm comparing this busy adult man with the college guys I'm used to dating who had all the time in the world, and my expectations are too high.

[Nodrog]

Dating and relationships are not and shouldn't be some kind of game where you have to work out exactly what the other person is thinking and then try and act out some kind of plan around that to get what you want. No two people are the same and not all guys or girls conform to the stupid stereotypes you read about on the internet.

 

You mention these "mistakes" you made. I doubt he even picked up on most or any of them. I wouldn't.

 

You're not interested in dating a man who isn't "super interested" in you? That sounds silly to me. If you date someone, they've already shown their interest in you. Some guys might be way more interested than they show you at first and some guys may be way less interested than they let on. He's interested in you, no doubt about it and if you're interested in him it really makes no sense to try and play it so cool to the point where you don't even reply to him. From his point of view, you showed an initial interest and would now seem to be going cool. Most sensible guys would pick up on that and would think you're not into them any more and a lot would stop pursuing you.

 

Also, I've just finished my PhD and I can tell you that finishing and writing up is an incredibly stressful and time-consuming thing. For about a year I barely had time for friends and dating was completely out of the question because I was so busy and stressed out. The fact that he's put in any time and effort at all on you, is pretty impressive from my point of view.

 

If you want to play it cool and let him do the running, at least respond to him and let him ask to see you again. In my opinion, there's very little to be gained from trying to confuse a guy who's already proved he's interested.

[sara-pezzini]

i totally agree with nodrog, you are showing no interest at this point, so he might be very confused, why not send a message yourself, or call him, why leave it all up to him? and then not to reply to his message sounds a bit like game playing to me and if he is 41 i doubt he is still into playing those kind of games, i have always hated them and always followed my own gut and did the calling and texting myself as well, why does the guy have to do all the work?

and those mistakes you mentioned were not mistakes at all....why does everything have to be a certain way nowadays? why not just go with the flow, do what you feel instead of playing games and doing things as they supposedly should? i don''t get that....he is interested but do you want to have him lose interest cause he thinks you are no longer interested??

[zep]

Okay, than I will respond to his fb msg with like a 'have fun with your cousin!' thing. I'm not trying to play games, its just every other guy I've dated has always made the plans for the next date before the current one ends so I feel really uncomfortable with these big gaps in contact. Since he is not calling me every day I immediately assume he doesn't like me anymore, which I suppose is a little ridiculous? Is it? I think if they like you they call?

 

I just don't know what the range is for normal amounts of contact in the beginning stages of dating. I don't know what I'm doing!!

[sara-pezzini]

not everyone calls all the time, my bf sure didn;t and still doesn't, he doesn't like talking on the phone, says nothing about his interest at first or about his love right now, i am the same, i don't like phone conversations......

[Nodrog]

Okay, than I will respond to his fb msg with like a 'have fun with your cousin!' thing. I'm not trying to play games, its just every other guy I've dated has always made the plans for the next date before the current one ends so I feel really uncomfortable with these big gaps in contact. Since he is not calling me every day I immediately assume he doesn't like me anymore, which I suppose is a little ridiculous? Is it? I think if they like you they call?

 

I just don't know what the range is for normal amounts of contact in the beginning stages of dating. I don't know what I'm doing!!

 

 

You might not actively be trying to play games but that's really what you are doing and everyone does it to some extent. To be fair, these things are always easier to figure out from the outside rather than when you're involved, which is frustrating.

 

Not every guy will arrange another date before the current one ends and not every guy will call you every day, even if they are really interested. I can guarantee that. And trust me, it is ridiculous to think that means he isn't interested anymore. If you keep in contact with him and he's interested he will ask for another date. The only way I can see him not asking is if he thinks you've made it pretty clear that's not what you want by ignoring him.

[zep]

Ugh I just can't stop thinking I did all these things wrong on our second date. I feel like i barely got to know him at all because I talked a lot (or we were watching a movie or making out). I don't know what was wrong with me. I had no focus and I think maybe I was nervous because we were at his apartment? I don't know. I just hope he wants to see me again so I can rectify this.

[Deciduous]

Hello Zep,

 

I've always found guys that suddenly go off the boil, the moment I reciprocate, aren't emotionally in a place to have a relationship. This sudden cooling off occurs, due to reasons beyond my control.

 

I don't think you are making any mistakes. I think you've played it just right. Yet everytime you put your best foot forward, he behaves as though it's too much. He makes a big play, then he pulls back.

 

No wonder you are confused. It's all a bit wishy-washy and that is the vibe you are picking up on. When some-one is keen, they let you know about it, whether they be 18-80. He's pulling back, and now you're pulling back, hence your hesitation at answering his FB. Already we are into games and I am not sure this is your fault.

 

Already you feel as though you are making mistakes. For what it's worth I DO NOT SEE ANY MISTAKES on your part. I do, however, see a gentlemen who is giving mixed signals.

 

Also, I've just finished my PhD and I can tell you that finishing and writing up is an incredibly stressful and time-consuming thing. For about a year I barely had time for friends and dating was completely out of the question because I was so busy and stressed out.

 

Hhhmm, Nodrog. Should Zep hang about until the chap has a spare moment in his schedule? Already she is being relegated to a low priority. Are you suggesting that if she patiently hangs in there her status might go up?

 

Gut feeling? He head isn't in the right place for a relationship. Whether it's his studies, his ex, or his lumbago playing him up - fact is he's not putting his best foot forward. And he knows it. He's courted women before.

 

Interestingly enough, it does seem his penis was in the right place to suggest a sexual relationship. Charming. Smart, smart girl, Zep! You declined. You kept it PG and decided you needed a bit more than what he is currently offering to take the relationship further. Good for you. You have standards and you sticking to 'em.

 

I think he has a backstory there. And whatever it is, it's stopping him from moving forward with this relationship. Whether he deals with it in the future is any-ones guess. But right now, it's one step forward, then two steps backwards. And this is in the courtship phase - where men usually go hell for leather.

 

In my experience, what you see is, exactly what you will get.

 

I once read a book which said, the first five dates are a good indicator of how the relationship will play out. i.e. if your date snaps at the waiter he will snapping at you in six months, if you had to cajoul him into that first date, you'll still be trying to cajoul into into a decent relationship six months later. If his life is to busy to fit you in at the start, you won't see him at all six months later.

 

In my experience this has proved to be absolutely true. If I've to work to start the relationship, then I've had to work even harder to keep it going.

 

Look, Zep, you are a strong gal and you learnt a lot from previous relationships. Your gut is telling you that things aren't quite right with this one - and I think you trust your instinct.

 

Deci

[Nodrog]

Hhhmm, Nodrog. Should Zep hang about until the chap has a spare moment in his schedule? Already she is being relegated to a low priority. Are you suggesting that if she patiently hangs in there her status might go up?

 

I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying that I think there is a pretty legitimate reason for him not dedicating as much time to this as zep might want or expect him to. Maybe this guy is totally on top of his work and just isn't the sort to call every day and badger for a date at every opportunity (lots of guys are like this), maybe he's worried if he seems too keen, he'll put her off (that works both ways).

 

How much time should a guy be willing to dedicate to a girl he's only known for a short time and has been on two dates with? I made a lot of sacrifices in other parts of my life when I was at the same stage and I can guarantee that even taking one night off a week to see a girl I was dating would have been very difficult with the amount of stress I put myself under. I have to say that anyone who actually prioritizes someone they've been on two dates with over making sure they finish up something like a PhD (which he'll have dedicated years of his life to and is very stressful to actually get finished) would sound absolutely insane to me.

 

I think you're projecting way too much of your previous relationships onto this example when you don't have enough to go on.

 

zep, I wouldn't take her advice. If you like this guy, it's definitely worth waiting a little longer to see how things pan out.

[rapunzel]

If I sent someone I had dated twice a Facebook message/email and that person did not respond, I would think the person was not that interested. I think you can respond in a light way to his FB message, as you mentioned. Just keep it light, breezy and let go of any expectations. You are leading your own busy life. Perhaps you are expecting too much after only two dates so try to relax (I am also saying this for myself). Playing hard to get and being a Rules girl can also backfire on you.

 

I tend to overanalyze during the early stages of dating and I'm currently in the process of letting go mentally of a guy I have seen four times in the last month and now he's pulling back. Our last date was Saturday night, he sent me a very brief email Sunday night (to which I responded, briefly, on Monday) and since then, nothing. I know he has his kids this week but he's also been online a LOT on the dating site we met on so it would not take him *much* effort to check in with me via email or text (he rarely calls) and he has NOT done this.

 

So....dating sucks. You just have to roll with the punches. You win some, you lose some. But if you don't respond to his messages, how is he going to know if you are interested in HIM?

[Deciduous]

I think you're projecting way too much of your previous relationships onto this example when you don't have enough to go on.

zep, I wouldn't take her advice. If you like this guy, it's definitely worth waiting a little longer to see how things pan out.

 

Hee-hee! On that you are 100% right. I have my own experience to go on.

 

When guys are dead keen in the beginning, champing at the bit, they are usually still keen once things get rolling. When they have been luke-warm and wishy-washy in the courtship, they're 'cool' in the middle and downright AWOL by the end.

 

Wishy-washy men don't usually metamorphosize into attentive lovers keen on a serious relationship. They stay wishy-washy until they eventually fade away. Just my experience though.

 

As for not having much to go on...this is Zep's 2nd post. I'm getting the feeling that you haven't gone back and read that one. It is part of a continuing situation.

 

He seems to have a problem staying in touch. Added to which his last relationshp broke up 7 months ago, and his behaviour seems to suggest he's having trouble committing to a new one at this point in his life.

 

Nodrog - I've made a lot of sacrifices in other parts of my life when I was at the same stage and I can guarantee that even taking one night off a week to see a girl I was dating would have been very difficult with the amount of stress

 

^^^Very true! How much does he have to give? Not much by looks of things. (But thank you, Nodrog for making my point for me)

As I said, he is not putting his best foot forward and Zep is getting a bad vibe. Frankly, I'd go with the vibe.

 

No need to cut him dead, but as Rapunzel has suggested, I would let go of any expectations.

 

 

 

Deci

[calichick007]

You say he told you last Saturday that he was tired and felt like just staying at home. Was he saying he felt like staying at home and doing something with YOU, or just that he felt like staying at home? I guess what I'm trying to figure out is if you just invited yourself over Sunday, or whether he'd already said he wanted to see you Sunday but just wanted to stay in.

[FYI]

You're overthinking, over analyzing.

 

If you like the guy, put in work. Call him, ask him out, be assertive. Sometimes a woman has just gotta take the wheel because the man is driving too slow!

[Ms Darcy]

There is already some push-pull going on. I think when a guy's interest plummets once you show interest, it is a bad sign. Ultimately, you have to decide if overall you like his behavior and personality and want to continue to see him.

[happpybear]

There is already some push-pull going on. I think when a guy's interest plummets once you show interest, it is a bad sign. Ultimately, you have to decide if overall you like his behavior and personality and want to continue to see him.

 

yes....this guy's behaviour would be a turn-off for me, is it for you too? I also would think he would be too busy to put in the time to cultivate a RS. He said he wanted to stay home alone one night, if he was into you, i think he would have suggested you join him, or at least chat on the phone with you for an hour or so.

 

Wishy-washy men don't usually metamorphosize into attentive lovers keen on a serious relationship. They stay wishy-washy until they eventually fade away. Just my experience though.

 

my experience too,

[findingmeandyou]

You do sound alot like me, and I'm also dealing with some push/pull with a girl I'm into.

 

I can analyze things to death, and it is so mentally taxing! So, here's the advice we both need to follow.

 

Just don't do it! You haven't done anything wrong. Don't get into push/pull games with someone. They are not worth your time, and if you keep pushing, he might stick around for a while, but in the long run, this is not the situation you want to be in.

 

Someone on this site once told me - you really don't have to work too hard to find out who a person really is...they show you all the time...it's really just a matter of do you CHOOSE to stick around or avoid people who are bad for you.

 

I could have avoided a few heartbreaks had I followed this advice!

[zep]

Hey guys, so a small update. I did reply to his fb message on Friday afternoon. Later that night he texted me saying he wanted to call me but wanted to check to see if I was out first (as last time he called me I was out with friends, and we still talked). I told him I was but I would love to talk tomorrow. It's evening here now and I am about to head out the door again to go to a birthday party, so I called him, he didn't pick up, so I left a message saying I was headed out the door but maybe we'll talk tomorrow.

 

I asked one of my guy friends about this and he agreed with the Nodrog who that said he was just really busy (and sort of chastised me for waiting so long to answer the fb message, and told me I needed to show a little more interest). He was pretty flabergasted that I would think the guy didn't like me anymore. My guy friend also told me I was just waaay overthinking this and its so early I shouldn't care this much. He told me, "You love your life now, anything romantic would just be a bonus. If this guy isn't your future, he doesn't matter, and you don't need to worry about it. If he is your future, it will work out, and you don't need to worry about it."

 

As a side note, I think the fact that he always wants to call and chat with me on the weekend nights implies he's not dating anyone else, and that he really is pretty busy.

 

So basically, I am now going to not worry about this. I have *definitely* learned my lesson about getting too excited about new guys. Yeesh.