Need advice about girlfriend going out with guy friend.

[Iceman26]

Hey RealDeal40,

 

Thanks for your support. I think that her not contacting me has bothered me more than anything else. It makes me feel like everything I ever did for her, anything I ever said to her didn't matter at all in the grand scheme of things. Oh well. I am sure she isn't wasting any time thinking pleasant thoughts about me.

 

Regardless, its been a week and a half, and I need to start letting this situation go....

[Realdeal40]

Yo Ice,

 

It'll take a while to really let the situation go, especially after spending two years together. That's exactly how long me and my ex were together, and I'm still dealing with my feelings for her. Just do your thing and don't expect things to change in just a week or even a month. I'm sure you'll be fine.

 

RD40

[jurupa]

I find this very odd and I won't say that she is cheating, but something is up. Not likeing your friends or family is understandable, but the other stuff isn't. Its like she wants you to run after her while she runs you over. I know you want to be repectable and not be the bad guy, which I don't think you are, but if you are still interested in her or just want to know why then you should talk to your old co-workers. I bet they know some stuff that your ex is hiding from you. If you do talk to your old co-workers you should keep your side of details to a minim becuase they may tell your ex and it may make things worse. Also what ever you do do not contact her in any way what so ever. If you do then she knows she still has power and here she seems to have way more power than she should have. I am not saying she shouldn't have any, but she seems to control the game from what you have said.

[Iceman26]

Looking back on it, I dont really know if she cheated or not.....I think it was RealDeal that said whether she cheated on me or not is irrelevant. It was her treatment of me that caused all this to happen. If she cared to know why, she could have called to find out.

 

No matter what I did or sacrificed for her in the close to 2 years we were together, this situation was a wake up call to me that I wouldnt want to commit my life to someone like her.

 

I bet my old co-workers do know some stuff. All I would have to do is tell them what happened and they would turn on her and talk some trash. But really, to do that would be pointless and cause me more grief than it was worth.

 

You are right Jurupa, she was controlling the game.....but I feel I ended the game.

 

If anything now I hope to help people on here avoid the same things I went through, there were plenty of big warning signs in the beginning of our relationship that I ignored because I thought she was wonderful and different from all the rest.

[Iceman26]

Ok, well last week my "ex" heard that I was sick and emailed me to ask me if I was ok. She had heard from co-workers that I was under the weather, and wanted to make sure that I was ok.

 

So we got to talking, and she told me she never called me because she was pissed off and insulted that I would suggest that she cheated.

 

Here were her responses, word for word, to what I and other people have posted and pointed out

 

You did assume too much, I was insulted and angry and needed time to think. I went out because I needed to be somewhere other than my parents house. (Sidenote, this is where she was the Saturday night I came by to deliver the letter again).

 

You should know how I am that even after one drink I will not drive.

 

1. I left it (her car)in a safe monitored place.

2. No he did not drink. (He, the friend she went out with)

3. I can't give directions, nor would I have tried anyways I had it taken care of.

4. In the message you left you did ask me to call you and I would have.

5. I have known him since I was 12, when I said I wasn't ok to drive it's because of how I feel about even ONE drink not being a point of being able to drive. Comfortable or not I had a drink with a friend, made a smart choice not to drive afterwards and took care of the arrangements on my transportation home and where my car would be safe until the next day.

 

Situations reversed? I would have asked, not assumed.

 

Ok now this is Iceman back.

 

We met up for breakfast, and she told me that we were definetly not together, but that we could see each other again. I then asked her if she wanted to see anybody else, and she said "I dont know". A couple of days later when I asked about seeing her, she told me that things were weird between us and she didn't know what she wanted to do, and she would let me know. So I will wait to hear from her.

 

What do you think about this? Do you guys/girls think she is seeing someone else? If she is seeing someone else and was over everything, why would she meet up with me? What do you think she is thinking? Was I totally wrong in my accusations as she points out, or was I justified by the weird behavior? Thanks for reading.

[Galaxygirl]

What keeps coming up here is her anger problem. This is not a good thing. People who have anger problems are often very difficult to have relationships with, unless they get counseling.

 

Often, you will get the blame for a lot of things.

[das420]

Iceman,

 

I've read all of your posts. I feel your pain man. As far as saying she is/isn't seeing someone else it is hard to say. I will warn you, my gf and I split for a while, i asked if she wanted to see anyone else. She said "I don't know". I later found out months down the road that she did see someone else, it didn't work out, and she felt so guilty she had to get a perscription to Lexapro for depression/ anxiety. IMO "NO" is no, "yes" is yes, and "I don't know" is probably. I don't want to be negative, and for your sake I hope I am wrong, but it doesn't look good.

[Cecelius]

I re-read the original post and feel a need to get back to the original issue.

 

Do you feel your relationship was exclusive in either of the two categories:

 

1) By default, you would spend some time together on the weekend and/or

 

2) you each ought not be going on dates with other people.

 

If your relationship was not at the (1) level, that strikes me as odd -- if she had been into you that much, she would have made more time, etc.. That's just my thought, personally. Women (and men maybe) may get to a point in a relationship that they think is absolutely permanent where they don't worry about seeing you all the time on the weekends and maybe that's where you were with her. Only you can decide what the vibe was but she seems to take it pretty much for granted that people need to wrk around her.

 

As to the event with the friend, this is a classic post issue and I'll skip it specifically because you and I end up with the same position on a lot of them.

 

In the end, what I see is a SO who does not make a lot of time for you, makes plans with another man WITHOUT YOU and then does a pretty good girl job of bringing it back onto you. I do not care particularly that its an old friend (if a girl causes an issue like this by deciding to go out for drinks, Friday night, late with another man INSTEAD of me [not in ADDITION to me], I am not going to give her the satisfaction of getting into the "he's only a friend" discussion), in the end she's basically saying she's got other people she wants to hang with.

 

And that's okay, it just isn't really a b/f-g/f knid of thing.

 

So gettting to the current question, I think its more than anything that she's basically only into you as much as it suits her. Maybe you could change that dynamic and maybe not, but it will be tough because in the end, she doesn't really care that much (which may be premissed on her thinking she has you over a barrel).

 

I think the real issue is not whether she is actually seeing someone else. The point is she's basically put herself back out there and is willing to entertain your company as it suits you. It's not much work for her to have a cup of coffee with you and let you court her when she wants it, and see other people if she wants to.

 

In the end, whether she is "seeing" someone else is up to whether there are any men pursuing her. You were her b/f, she didn't make it very easy on you, whatever else happened that night she did her best to make it look shady (ie, she has no interest in even bothering to make things look okay), and she preferred to hang with a generic old friend than you.

[Iceman26]

And that's okay, it just isn't really a b/f-g/f knid of thing.

 

 

I am curious as to what you mean by this comment Cecelius. What isn't a b/f-g/f kind of thing?

 

I completely agree with what you are all saying. How someone could say "I dont know if I want to see other people" is pretty lame. You either do or do not want to see other people, it seems like a cop out to me.

[Cecelius]

I'm not trying to be presumptuous, it's just that her actions don't match up to what I would usually call an exclusive arrangement (meaning it doesn't seem like she was working as hard as a woman in love will work).

 

I also agree with you on her response about seeing other people: if she wanted you and only you she would say so. Anything else is so that she can (1) keep the drama going (it just seems so sophisticated and Sex in the City to me, which I think appeals to a lot of girls), (2) keep an ego boost by periodically getting some attention from you and (3) she probably does like you.

 

The question is, after how she acted, the pretty shady extents she went to to hang with the other guy and how her attitude is now, why would you bother with her? Sure she is confusing and seems to be conflicted and have lots of mysteries going on in her head.

 

And I hope she has a good time with them. You on the other hand would perhaps be better off with a hotter, nicer, less dramatic woman?

[Iceman26]

I agree with you on that one, her actions aren't matching up. Her excuse was that I had been gone from her life for 3 weeks and she had gotten used to life without me, and that the first person to make contact was her, etc.

 

Your Sex and the City comment made me laugh, that makes a lot of sense to me. She owns those DVD's, every season that has come out thus far anyways. She always asked for me to buy them for her as birthday or x-mas gifts, but I told her I wasnt going to contribute money to those kinds of shows.

 

You think she honestly likes me Cecelius? I personally dont see how a person can say they like someone and treat another person in such a manner. I find it much more likely that she thought she could keep me on the backburner in case things with a new guy (I know its irrelevant if she is dating someone else, but I could draw no other conclusion as to her chain of thought) dont work out and she would think she has me to fall back on.

 

One other conclusion I have drawn on is that I could count the number of friends she has on one hand, so I can pretty much figure out what she is doing.

 

LOL I once thought I would never hear the words "hot and nice" used in the same sentence to describe a woman, but I agree; I can do better.

 

I bother because I like to know why people do things the way they do, especially how she could do a complete 180 in a months time after broaching the subject of marriage to me.

[Cecelius]

For what its worth, I think you gave it the right go and you have every reason to keep your head up high.

 

On the marriage thing, there are tons of women who, whether they admit it or not, view marriage as a life milestone (degree, job, car, house, etc.) and they basically are interviewing candidates. A lot of the time, it doesn't have anything to do with you as an individual, unfortunately. I guess its better that she showed her hand this early rather than after you moved to far along that path.

[burnedandbitter]

I agree with what you did. Sadly, it is going to be very hard for you.

Similar situation with my (now) ex boyfriend. But I was at his house and he told me that he had to go sell a car and that he would be back in a few hours later. 13 hours later he had still not returned (and I have to drive to Houston that day). So on my way back, I drove past his ex's apt, and his car was there (at 5 am), to this day he does not know that I know that he was there. So do I think she cheated, yes (and I am sorry to say that). But we can't go off of assumptions... we have no hard evidence. He still told me that he wasn't with anyone (and I had the evidence to prove him wrong, but didn't confront him on it).

 

Stay strong and everything will work out!

[Iceman26]

Its hasnt been as hard for me as it was in the beginning. I think the "not knowing" what really happened of it hurt more than anything else. I take a look at her saying "I need time to figure things out" and translate it into "I am seeing someone else right now, and if things aren't going anywhere in the next couple of weeks with this new guy, then I will give you a call"

 

Realistically, there is nothing to "figure out". You either want to be with someone, or you dont.

[Hurtful,ConfusedAwak]

I think you did a great job in letting her go! Emotional abuse is not nice at all!

 

Here's my story:

 

I have been single for the past six years and have been seen girls on occasion (mutual understanding no commitment) just to fill the gap. The reason that I am single is because I am waiting for the right girl and at the same time I am a very busy person running my own business.

 

I met a super sweet girl in October and I like to get to know her more after she send me a email reply in November, 2004. We went out for coffee twice and we seem to hit it off really well. Not to say the least, I really like this girl (she runs her own business as well) and for the past 6 years, no girls ever came close.

 

So on my birthday, 2nd week of November she pursued me vigoriously to go out with her as a couple...I hesitated because I want to get to know her better, but I gave in and give it a shot. I was afraid that I will be emotionally attached and screw up if things did not go well.

 

Timeline:

1, First week of dating her, she still goes on speed dating (once only), see the guy that liked her but she doesn't like her...goes to another guy's house (She claims only friendship but he also used to like her) for dinner that he cooks for her and also spend times with her recent ex that they broke up in May 2004 - dinners and etc.

 

2, End of first week, I confronted her about her guy friends late at night on the phone and she suddenly flip and called me a sensitve guy and don't be such a girl! (She was yelling at me!) I got so pissed off, I wrote a pro and con list about her told her the next day and we almost broke up but didn't.

 

3, Week 2, I was at her condo and spending time with her didn't want to go home yet she told me I should go home because she doesn't want me to drive home late but I was having fun talking to her and cuddling with her I told her that I will leave when I am ready. Playing and cuddling with her about not leaving yet, and all of a sudden she fliped out and yell "This is why I need my space, that's why I can't live with family members!!!!" Wow, I just left. (Confused!)

 

4, end of 2nd week, she went on a date again with this same guy that she knows for 10 years, but apparently he likes her alot. I confronted her and she said she can't do this anymore and that she wants out. After we broke up she calls me back and said she misses me so that screwed me up. I still have very strong feelings for this girl. I thought she was the one and that it could lead to true love and that she could be the love of my life. So, I call her next morning and she said she wants to make it work between us. So, I went to her condo that night, cuddling and talking, I accidentally saw her shirt above her stomach I pointed at her stomach and said tummy in a cute way... guess what, she blew up and said you call me fat! She said it's a mistake for trying and that I have to leave right now. I was in shock for 2 mins and then I realized that wait the minute, what just happened? So I yell back "If you keep this up you will be alone for the rest of your life!) So I was about to leave and she began to apologized like crazy and ask me to stay. After an hour of her persuading me to forgive her, I finally give in.

 

3rd week, she said she wants to be a good girlfriend and she will try not to go out with the guy friends too much or alone with them. It was so beautilful, everything seems to look so good. I thought wow, if this last a life time, it would be better than anything I could of experienced. This week, she went out again to the guy who used to like her and he cooked steak dinner for her (She said he wanted her to check out his new hardwood floor and that she hasn't seen him in a week). I dropped her off and pick her up after she was done. I felt uncomfortable but it wasn't a big deal at that time. The very next day, she hesitated to tell me that she was going to yoga with her ex boyfriend because she said she doesn't want me to feel bad. I talk to her for 3 hours on this issue that she doesn't give me any respect and she said that she thought she can changed, but she finally admits that she will always be like that going out with her guy friends because they were part of her life before me and that she can't have female friends. She told me that I did not trust her and she can't go out with a guy that doesn't trust her. (huh?)

 

So, I was really cold towards her last night and was resenting her for all her actions. So, this morning the more I think about the guy (that used to like her) cooking steak for her alone in his condo pisses me off. I think that a guy cooking dinner for a girl or vise versa is a very personal thing. She called me and was very sweet and etc. but I just told her that if we can't solve this problem now how can we solve future bigger problems. So I ended it and she said that she was dissappointed and that she respect my decision.

 

So stupid man, she respects my decision about breaking up with her but did not respect my feelings about her guy friends.

 

I though I found the one, but hey, sh*t happens and it happened to me after I waited six years to fall for a girl who plays games and dosen't know what she wants. GRRRRrrrrrrrr!

 

Ps. I am not a jealous man. Guys hugged her and etc don't bother me, but I value respect highly.

 

Here's what she giving up about me:

I am considerated, gentleman like, friendly, easy going, huge heart, good head on the shoulder, sensitive, generous, loving, able to give unconditional love, committed, honest, real, ambitious, strong, doesn't play head games, well dressed, floss twice a day, shower everyday, problem solver, handle crisses well, caring, and not to mention I am good looking!

 

Can you tell I am pissed! LoL

 

Heart broken!

[Hurtful,ConfusedAwak]

Oh, I also laughed so hard when one of the post mentioned Sex in the City. She worshiped Sex in the City and that should of been my warning sign. She kept insisting that I watch the show and I did watched 5 episodes and found the show is teaching girls the wrong things about relationship. She got all the episodes on DVDs!

[Iceman26]

Me too bro! I told my girlfriend I would watch "Sex and the City" if she would watch the movies "Swingers" and "Late Last Night". She gave me a cold look and declined.

 

You know, when I found out my girlfriend watched Sex and the City religiously, I was disappointed that she would waste time watching that crap.

[Cecelius]

Hurtful,Confused&Awak,

 

I think just plainly you got or came off as too serious with her way too fast. I don't think, no matter how much you like a woman or have been pining for her or whatever, that after 1-2 weeks you can really claim to be a b/f and that you have any rights on her as it relates to cheating.

 

Yes, woman who hang with exes and women with lots of male sycophant friends are red flags. They are also entitled to their red flags because you shouldn't be that invested in them that fast -- if they have red flags just walk away.

 

I think you should just back off and let her miss you a little

[Iceman26]

I agree wholeheartedly with Cecelius.