How do I break it off with a guy I'm dating thatI'm not physically attracted to?

[mcs557]

The situation:

 

I've been dating a guy that's 11 years older than me; I'm 24. Even though I wasn't physically attracted to him, I thought I'd give him a chance since he has most of the qualities I look for in a boyfriend. During the 5 dates with him over the past 2.5 months, I've enjoyed his company and conversation. Before we went home for the holidays, he asked me, "Are we friends, or more than friends?" I wasn't sure, so I answered, "Let's hang out more." He then immediately hugged and kissed me above the lip, but I didn't reciprocate, because he took me by surprise.

 

Over the holidays, however, I pinpointed 3 problems:

1. I'm not physically attracted to him. I thought this attraction would develop over time, but it hasn't.

2. I don't trust him. He's 35--shouldn't he have a GF by now? Why is he dating someone 11 years younger than him? On the 5 dates we went out, he asked me 4 times whether I'd like to go back to his place; I'd decline, b/c I'm not comfortable with him yet. We're also FB friends, and other girls tag him in their pictures with him only. I'm looking for a long-term boyfriend, not a fling or a player. We also attend the same university for our professional degrees but don't have mutual friends, so I have no alternative perspectives about him. He hasn't invited me to events with any of his friends either.

3. He only contacts me when he is free. Over the holidays, instead of contacting me daily, he texted me only 3 times to wish me happy holidays, happy new year, and whether I'd be interested in meeting again. When we're not on dates, we only communicate via e-mail, FB, and texts. He doesn't call.

 

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but it seems like this guy is a player, but I'm not in this to "play". Since I've decided it's not worth continuing this, I've planned to "hang out" with him to talk this weekend. He has agreed, but there are no set plans yet.

 

My questions:

1. Where should I meet with him to talk?

2. I'm not hesitant to be direct and plan to say, "When you asked me what we are before, I said let's hang out more. I appreciate that you like me more than just a friend, but you're only a friend to me. There's nothing more. I doubt it can be more." Is there anything else I should say to clarify myself?

3. Am I missing anything else?

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance!

[oldenoughtoknow]

I think problem number 1 is the only one to bother considering - it attraction isn't there, who cares about 2 and 3. After 5 dates in 2.5 months, the next time he contacts, I'd simply say you're not interested in seeing him anymore. I doubt trying to be his friend would work very well for him.

[ugh1113]

If you're not attracted to him, it's never going to work. I agree with the above poster. Reasons 2 and 3 don't matter if 1 is an issue. So to answer your questions:

 

1. If you've only ever seen him five times in almost three months, there's absolutely no reason to meet him in person.

2. Don't use the word "doubt." Simply tell him that you see him as nothing more than a friend. That's it. Don't get too wordy, don't go into detail, etc. That's all it is. "I would just like to be friends."

3. No, you don't seem to be missing anything. If he won't accept what you say to him, just ignore any pushy messages he sends your way until he gets the point.

[EssexMan]

5 dates with him over the past 2.5 months

 

That doesn't sound like there's a lot of keenness on either side, unless of course there are practical reasons you haven't been able to see each other more often.

 

On the 5 dates we went out, he asked me 4 times whether I'd like to go back to his place

 

Alarm bells.

 

Over the holidays, instead of contacting me daily, he texted me only 3 times to wish me happy holidays, happy new year, and whether I'd be interested in meeting again.

 

More alarm bells.

 

When we're not on dates, we only communicate via e-mail, FB, and texts. He doesn't call.

 

BTW, I don't necessarily think that's a problem, I'm like that too even when I'm deadly serious, just completely out of the habit of using the phone.

 

it seems like this guy is a player

 

It does.

 

Where should I meet with him to talk?

 

Do you need to meet? His actions don't really suggest a serious interest in you. I'd think a phone call or email (not text) would be enough.

[happyfrank]

Tell him how you feel somewhere will a lot of people. Like coffee shop or department store.

 

Just be bold and tell him that you just want to be friends and nothing more.

 

Or you can save the trouble and go NC. After awhile he will get the message.

[pl3asehelp]

Most of the stuff in your #2 are bizarre and wrong in my opinion. There's nothing wrong with not having a girlfriend. At all. In fact it's much better than settling and being in a ****ty relationship like many people. I mean by that logic, you should only being pursuing men in relationships? And the age gap, of course you're just as guilty of this. Alternative perspectives? What, you can't make up your own mind? I'd rethink all of those concepts.

[rask]

Most of the stuff in your #2 are bizarre and wrong in my opinion. There's nothing wrong with not having a girlfriend. At all. In fact it's much better than settling and being in a ****ty relationship like many people. And the age gap, of course you're just as guilty of this. Alternative perspectives? What, you can't make up your own mind? I'd rethink all of those concepts.

 

I agree completely. Why does it matter the age gap? Same can be said for you, why are YOU dating someone 11 years older?

 

That being said..

 

5 dates in almost 3 months... does this even warrant hanging out to discuss a break up of something that doesn't even exist? Guy doesn't call you, has apparently tried to get in your pants, and you're not attracted to him. It's not like you guys went on 30 dates in 3 months.

 

Seriously, next time he texts you just be straight up. You're not digging it, and end it. No reason to meet up to have a break up talk.

[chamachama]

 

1. I'm not physically attracted to him. I thought this attraction would develop over time, but it hasn't.

 

No offense to the OP, but when will people learn that physical chemistry cannot be grown? It must be there from the beginning in some form or another.

[EssexMan]

No offense to the OP, but when will people learn that physical chemistry cannot be grown? It must be there from the beginning in some form or another.

 

To be fair, it can grow, and from very small seedlings, provided there's not an actual physical turn-off at the beginning. Clearly nothing's happening on that front for the OP, though.

[MikNomis]

Go with your gut, he's not for you. Start with "we need to talk."

[Kamisaur]

You gave him plenty of time for attraction to develop. It hasn't.

 

There really isn't more to think about. Extra things you listed just reinforce that you need to give up on him.

[superfan]

No offense to the OP, but when will people learn that physical chemistry cannot be grown? It must be there from the beginning in some form or another.

 

I wasn't sure whether I was physically attracted to my husband at first - that grew over time. I wasn't turned OFF by him though. You don't have to be totally attracted right away, but you can't be repulsed. Everything else can develop in time

[snappy5]

If you're not physically attracted to him it might be hard to ever get over that. I was with someone for a few months a long time ago that taught me that fact.