Am I asking too much?

[snapperoo]

Hi,

I am new here, and I just really needed some advice.

 

I have been with my partner for approximately 4 years, prehaps heading for 5, and I am becoming at my wits end.

 

In the past I have asked him to marry me, and he always replies with 'one day'. I would like to get married before having kids, and he doens't seem like he is ever going to ask me. On that note, I have now left the ball in his court to ask me if I would like to marry him...but he just doesn't seem willing.

 

He says he loves me, but he doesn't seem to want to commit.

 

I would also like to start having a family with him soon, but he says children are too expensive, and he just doesn't seem interested. All of our friends have kids, and since we have bought a house together and I really would like to have a child in the next couple of years. He is making this increasingly impossible though, as whenever we make love, he pulls out long before the task is complete. I don't want to be manipulative to get myself pregnant, but I really feel like I am never going to have kids with him.

 

The thing is I do love him so much, and when we first got together he was always going on about when we have kids, but now I am ready, he is backing away as quick as you can say pregnant.

 

Please give me some advice, at the moment I just feel lost.

 

Thanks

Snapperoo.

[itcouldbe2001]

If he isn't ready to commit then PLEASE don't bring a baby into the situation. It will not make anything better. If anything he will continue to live his life for himself and you will have to take care of the child yourself. A baby does not make a man want to suddenly be in a committed relationship.

[boonpop]

If you all have already been together for five years, he doesn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. Be patient. The worst thing in the world you can do is rush him into that situation if he's not ready. Men hate to be rushed into doing anything. We see it as b!tc#ing. I understand that you're ready to start a family and all, but why don't you just let him come to that realization on his own? It's obvious that he's not quite ready yet, and who knows what type of thoughts are going through his head right now? I watched Charolite on Sex And the City go through the same motion where she was persisting that her boyfriend propose to her. So persistent infact that he left her standing there looking desperate. The sad part about that was that he'd already chosen the ring and was just waiting for the right time to ask. The more you chase something, the more it has to run from you. If you really want to be with this man for the rest of your life, you need to give him time and space to come to that same un-rushed conclusion.

[snapperoo]

Ok I understand where you are all coming from,

 

I think I should mention that he is 27 and I am 24.

 

As I mentioned, we have bought a house together, but things, while still all lovey dovey just haven't really progressed from there.

 

I am beginning to think that he doesn't even love me at all and just says that because he thinks it will make me happy.

 

I know I have a lot of insecurities, but I am really not sure anymore if he really does love me, or if he has purchased this house with me becuase it was convienient at the time, and he needed somewhere to live.

 

As I said, I do trust him wholeheartedly, and love him to pieces, but sometimes I get the impression that the feelings aren't returned. Mind you, I don't think he would cheat on me either.

[asdf1234]

i'm in a similar situation except i'm not with my boyfriend anymore. we dated for 2 years and the issue that always bothered me was that he wasn't ready to tell his parents he had a girlfriend. there were a few reasons why (school, financially dependent on them, different cultural and religious backgrounds) but the main one was that he wasn't ready. in the end, we broke up because he felt i was pressuring him too much and i felt that he would never get to a point where he could tell them about me. we were faithful towards each other, regularly hung out with his other family members our age (he's 23, i'm 24), but i always felt that if he cared enough about me, he would announce it to anyone.

 

anyway, we broke up 3 months ago, have almost gone back together, but never did. the last conversation we had was him telling me he wanted to be back together (without telling his parents until he was ready) and me telling him that i couldn't get back together because that was an important issue for me.

 

if any of you have advice to tell me, i'll gladly accept it. i still miss him.

 

as for you, i think that your boyfriend seems to be happy with the current situation. i feel that marriage can wait, as some couples have been together for years (look at goldie hawn and kurt russell; oprah and steadman), live great lives independently of each other but are still known as satisfied couples, and have never gotten married. your boyfriend is 25 and most men i know are of the same age and are not ready to get married. he sounds like he cares about you, so i wouldn't worry about it. if you're happy with everything else, don't dwell on it. there are girls our age who are married and unhappy; there are women who are older, married, and wish they hadn't married so young.

[asdf1234]

oh your boyfriend is 27. still, it's young. and if you got married, you want want him to propose because he was ready, not because he felt pressured.

[snapperoo]

How right you are asdf1234 re the females that are our age and married and unhappy and older females that wish they never married so young.

 

Just to correct you on one point though, the bf is 27, not 25.

At 25 I could understand him not wanting to marry me or have kids. At 27 I think he should be mature enough to actually care.

 

As you say, these things may not be big issues for him, but for me they are. However, I don't want to be in the position of giving ultimatiums for my own self happiness.

 

I also don't want to be in a position where I feel my self happiness can be left on the sidelines because of his own insecurities in that he doesn't feel ready to get married or have kids.

 

The getting married is what is important to me in the immediate future, but the kids thing will come soon after as well, as I really don't want to be older than 30 when I start having kids. I want to have my family completed by then.

 

Anyway I must go now. Please continue to offer advice, I will be back here later to check replies

 

And thanks to all that have replied, your thoughts and opinions do mean so much to me

[Francis]

It seems that your boyfriend and yourself are not in the same wavelength. You want one thing, one type of life, in the near future, and he wants something completely different.

 

Even if you love him to death, or BECAUSE you love him to death, you have to respect his choices and needs, and you have to accept the fact that everyone has the right to think, feel and develop at their own pace.

 

If you really want to get married in the very near future, you should respect him and yourself, and not coerce him into a relationship against his will, because he will be resentful his whole life against you AND your kids.

 

What you should do is consider leaving him, for the reasons mentioned above. Once you leave him, he will probably go through a process of developping emotionally at 110 mph and he will probably miss you, do whatever to get you back, and be ready for marriage and kids, by his own choice. Just read all the threads here of guys who've been living with their girlfriends up to 16 yrs and they become desperate when they lose them: I guess it is a process of maturation that they need to experience.

 

Take care!

[Cecelius]

Maturation does not equal wanting to be married or have children, and if my g/f broke up with me because at 27 I didn't want to have kids yet, I would view it as her choices not being the same as mine at the same time, and would never look back.

 

I also agree that you need to be met in the middle.

 

It's possible that he has opinions about what happens to couples after they get married and have children (I won't make the stereotypes or agree or disagree with them, but he may have feelings about them).

 

Its also possible that, as a man, he feels that things are going well and why rush it. He may feel, which I personally somewhat detect from your post, that you are primarily interested in having a child and that he is somewhat incidental to your wants.

 

He may be sensitive about the expense. Do you work? Do you plan to work after having children? The pressures on a single income earner to support a family are absolutely huge and for many men and women, represent a life of relative hardship and difficulty.

[snapperoo]

I am working, previously it was a full time position, however now I am working part-time, and in a way it was his suggestion to do so, as there wasn't much of a chance to actually tidy the house on weekends AND spend time with him.

 

When I worked full time, he was always complaining that the house work was never completed and things were out of order, so he actually said to me one day that I didn't HAVE to work at all. But, I would have it no other way.

 

If we were to have children, then I would be off work for approx 6 months or so, until I could get the child into day care, and then the child would be put into day care for a couple of hours a day. I tend to get the opinion that he doesn't want children because of the restrictions they would impose on HIS life.

 

Sometimes I think he is self-centred about it, then other times he has mentioned that in the future he wouldn't mind having a little one. I think he is so confused and doesn't feel he could be free with a child.

[d346]

hmmm...you work part-time to spend time with him and tidy the house, and you aren't even married with kids yet?! -No wonder you're frustrated! You've revolved everything around him, and he's not ready!! Don't get me wrong, I'm very ready for marriage myself, but at your young age, you really need to focus on your career, and your interests -'cause the marriage and the kids aren't happening right now! And I'm fairly certain tidying up the house for him isn't going to get you there any sooner! Of course you're frustrated! -you've given up a piece of yourself and your life for the relationship, a sacrifice to make him happy -and he's coasting in status quo.

 

You're 24 -be independent! Trust me -you will have your family by 30 if this guy is the one -and if you focus on developing yourself, you'll be sooo much happier -soo much more fulfilled. And trust me, much much more appealing to him!

he may be a few years older than you, but he clearly is still interested in being a 20-something. You can't push him to have children, because if he's not truly ready, one day he may up and leave -because he's overwhelemed or confused. He's probably nervous to get married, because as you've already told him that that will immediately mean kids. That's is definitely your choice, and a legitimate one -but it's a lot to take on in a short period of time -a HUGE change. Some people are married 5 years before they begin a family.

[ReadyorNot]

My bf and I are both 24 and have been together for over 4 years... I want to get married and have babies as well.. he isnt ready and keeps saying "some day soon...."

 

Makes me so frustrated... and now he has added "Some day soon... sooner then you think too"

 

I realize I need to stop harassing him about it.. I really want him to propose because he wants to, not because I am pressuring him too...

 

I dont even have my career going completely yet. ( I know the job I want for the rest of my life, but I am only a casual employee and it may be a year or two before I am in permanently). As much as I want to get married and have kids I do tell myself that I dont want those things until I have a permanent job. Hopefully he will want those things in a few years...

 

If I am married with at LEAST one child by the time I am 30(maybe 29) then I will be really happy