OnlyAshes Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 Ok my therapist believes this will help a little, bear with me. Yes, I am seeing proffessional help...not for the first time. Depression and me have been long friends within my struggle with life. I have been told by doctors that I suffer from manic depression, which comes to no surprise...it is something that pops up here and there through my family. I have been through the suicides of family members on two occasions, but I have never/never will even consider that an option for myself, for fear of pain caused on not only myself during the proccess, but the pain of family that I have had to endure, and I've seen them go through. But my story goes much deeper than that. My first "episode" I can remember of severe depression was when I was 14...I went 2 weeks without eating. Of course I went through the therapist stages, group therapy...everything...nothing has ever worked. During my High School years I had one friend (by my parents making) and I was addicted to drugs and alcohol. What sense does it make for a 16 year old boy to miss homecoming, only to stay home and get high to ease his pain? College came, the first two years...disappointment. Straight F's/D's and maybe a C or two. By this time I refused any form of drug for my problem, and horribly I refused any form of proffessional help (I thought college would be a great change). The next thing to happen was something absolutly amazing...I met her. I have never met anyone so amazing in my life...no one has ever made me feel like I felt when I was with her...I felt somewhat normal. Over the course of our friendship we became close, and I became this person I had never experienced before. I was fun, I had friends, I was the center of attention and people actually liked me. The next few years we finally became a couple...she was such an inspiration of life for me. Everything about her made me smile...everything. We were together for 2 years, and everyday I experienced something new in life, something great...something truly amazing. The problem is, I had never told her about my mental problems...I thought that as long as was with her, I would never experience them again, and eventually I would tell her what she really meant for me...she REALLY did make me a better person, more than she knew. I had a relapse of some sort near the end of our relationship...I had no motivation, and my job, living situation, everything but her came tumbling down. She left me.... I told her after the fact about everything about me, and what she did for me...and that is why I was acting the way I was...she meant too much to me to let her go. She felt horrible, absolutly horrible... "It hurts me so much to know I mean so much to you, and that you love me so much, but there is nothing I can do about it" still rings in my head... Since then, she has started seeing another person...I have quit my new job, moved out of my new apartment and back into my parents...and have been seeking proffessional help again. She doesn't know about the job or the apartment...as I have been putting up a lie to her...so she thinks I am doing great. No matter how much people say don't contact her, get motivated, do things, focus on yourself...it doesn't help...because I simply cannot. I saw a post from someone that said they wanted the person back they were before they met their ex...I want the person back I was when I was with my ex. For such a brief time in my life, I experienced what life was, love was...and true happiness. I contacted her again yesterday...I know I wasn't supposed to, but she is like a drug to me (as much as people can agree I hope). Yes it hurts that I can't see her, talk to her...but at least I could eat last night after I saw her. I have scared her away from me...I think she thinks I'm a mental case, she thinks I'm nuts...she knows the severity of the issue, and she has been somewhat good about letting me contact her. But she also plainly puts it that she "doesn't want me again". I just want to be happy again, and I WAS only happy when I was with her...I've never in my life met anyone like her...nor will I again. I vomit EVERY time I think of her even kissing another person....this is absolutly damaging to me. I don't expect anyone to actually read all of this...but I do feel a little better after writing it. Quote Link to comment
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