The truth about me

[OnlyAshes]

Ok my therapist believes this will help a little, bear with me.

 

Yes, I am seeing proffessional help...not for the first time. Depression and me have been long friends within my struggle with life. I have been told by doctors that I suffer from manic depression, which comes to no surprise...it is something that pops up here and there through my family. I have been through the suicides of family members on two occasions, but I have never/never will even consider that an option for myself, for fear of pain caused on not only myself during the proccess, but the pain of family that I have had to endure, and I've seen them go through. But my story goes much deeper than that.

 

My first "episode" I can remember of severe depression was when I was 14...I went 2 weeks without eating. Of course I went through the therapist stages, group therapy...everything...nothing has ever worked. During my High School years I had one friend (by my parents making) and I was addicted to drugs and alcohol. What sense does it make for a 16 year old boy to miss homecoming, only to stay home and get high to ease his pain?

 

College came, the first two years...disappointment. Straight F's/D's and maybe a C or two. By this time I refused any form of drug for my problem, and horribly I refused any form of proffessional help (I thought college would be a great change).

 

The next thing to happen was something absolutly amazing...I met her. I have never met anyone so amazing in my life...no one has ever made me feel like I felt when I was with her...I felt somewhat normal. Over the course of our friendship we became close, and I became this person I had never experienced before. I was fun, I had friends, I was the center of attention and people actually liked me. The next few years we finally became a couple...she was such an inspiration of life for me. Everything about her made me smile...everything. We were together for 2 years, and everyday I experienced something new in life, something great...something truly amazing. The problem is, I had never told her about my mental problems...I thought that as long as was with her, I would never experience them again, and eventually I would tell her what she really meant for me...she REALLY did make me a better person, more than she knew.

 

I had a relapse of some sort near the end of our relationship...I had no motivation, and my job, living situation, everything but her came tumbling down. She left me....

 

I told her after the fact about everything about me, and what she did for me...and that is why I was acting the way I was...she meant too much to me to let her go. She felt horrible, absolutly horrible...

 

"It hurts me so much to know I mean so much to you, and that you love me so much, but there is nothing I can do about it" still rings in my head...

 

Since then, she has started seeing another person...I have quit my new job, moved out of my new apartment and back into my parents...and have been seeking proffessional help again. She doesn't know about the job or the apartment...as I have been putting up a lie to her...so she thinks I am doing great.

 

No matter how much people say don't contact her, get motivated, do things, focus on yourself...it doesn't help...because I simply cannot. I saw a post from someone that said they wanted the person back they were before they met their ex...I want the person back I was when I was with my ex. For such a brief time in my life, I experienced what life was, love was...and true happiness.

 

I contacted her again yesterday...I know I wasn't supposed to, but she is like a drug to me (as much as people can agree I hope). Yes it hurts that I can't see her, talk to her...but at least I could eat last night after I saw her.

 

I have scared her away from me...I think she thinks I'm a mental case, she thinks I'm nuts...she knows the severity of the issue, and she has been somewhat good about letting me contact her. But she also plainly puts it that she "doesn't want me again".

 

I just want to be happy again, and I WAS only happy when I was with her...I've never in my life met anyone like her...nor will I again. I vomit EVERY time I think of her even kissing another person....this is absolutly damaging to me.

 

I don't expect anyone to actually read all of this...but I do feel a little better after writing it.

[boonpop]

not only did I read it, but I also understand what you're going through. I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but that's only because I haven't sought after help yet. I've been in your shoes though, and I know how it feels to admire the person you are when you are with someone else and want to have that part of your life back. I'm also a firm believer that everything in life that happens, happens for a reason. You've only seen a glimpse of what life is, and you don't need one particular female in your life to get back to the person you ARE. You have to keep in mind that the little window of happiness you were shown was just a segment of an ever going and growing process. You already know your weakness and that you are prone to depression, but my question to you is, what are you going to do about it? Another question I have for you is, "Is what you believe real or is it simply real because you believe?" Happiness is nothing more than a mental state. Just because you were failing in class and D's and F's shat on your expectation of college doesn't mean you're a failure. Hell my transcript is full of D's and F's and I'll be the first one to sit up and exchange giggles with you about that. You may not have total control over every event that takes place in your life, but what you do have total control over is the way you view the situation and the outcome. Keep that in mind the next time depression starts to creep up on you. I can almost guarantee that if you change the way you view yourself, you will in turn change the way others view you, and you might even be able to get your girl back in the process. Keep ya head up man, there's a whole lot of life left to live.

[OnlyAshes]

It's so hard...what she is doing is SO DESTRUCTIVE to me. I understand the break up...I understand her saying she's so sorry, she still loves me, I'm still important, she still cares.....BUT ANOTHER GUY SO QUICK. I CAN'T HANDLE IT....

 

I have been turning to alcohol again...I'm trying to get better, I DID get a new job, apartment, everything...not for her, but for me. BUT THIS DESTROY'S ME...IF SHE CARES SO MUCH, WHY NOT GIVE ME TIME TO ATLEAST HEAL A LITTLE!!! That's why I'm where I am now...therapy that doesn't work...jobless...back to the dark....it's so lonely. It's like she doesn't care what happens to me....

[boomer1619]

hey pal, hang in there. You need to surround yourself with your parents right now. Let them know how worried you are about everything surrounding you. It helps. I am doing the same thing I live with my parents at 27, and I am constantly talking with them, and venting, and releasing. You do have people you can depend on , you just got to look for them. Hang in there please. Im hanging in there, and you can too. Hang in there with me. Keep in touch with me. Seriously, it will all be okay in the end. Im am right there with you.

[OnlyAshes]

Thank you guys...I do understand that I am not alone while going through this. I'm having so much trouble not HATING her right now. I have so much love for this woman...I could never in my lifetime express it enough.

 

I have such mixed emotions of love AND hatred for her. Everyone tells me to accept and love her, and give whatever I can to make sure she is happy. But when I do not receive the same respect...especially when she knows my medical past...it is very hard not to despise her. I'm worried the only way I will get over her is if I keep telling myself to hate, and have anger towards her. Of course she will never know that I feel that way...but I feel it is my only option.

 

I HATE what she is doing to me...regardless of her right to do it. I HATE that I cannot change what has happened. I HATE this new person that she prefers to me. I HATE the fact that I'm so important to her, but she doesn't think I'm important enough to be a little more careful with her actions...and not think of the consequenses of my mental state.

 

I know "how could you hate someone that means so much to you". Believe me it is hard...but at the end of the day...I feel better. Of course I appreciate our time together, I appreciate what she has done for me...and GOD KNOWS how much I appreciate her showing me what life is like for normal happy people. BUT I hate whoever is watching over me for only giving me a taste of the bliss that is "normal life"

[jony1234]

alright man calm down.. your not the only person in this world that gets depressed... you say u hate her for not caring about your mental state?.. would u like her to stay with you becasue.. you get depressed?...wouldn't be fair.. i always get depressed over everything as well... did the drug thing and never cared... got drunk every night so i wouldn't feel any pain.... i have also loved and lost.... twice with the same girl.... but wouldn't u rather to have loved and lost.. then to have never loved at all...... like that other guy said keep your head up... you will find someone else... you may love her even more!!!.... but if your depresed your goin to find it hard to find someone...

[OnlyAshes]

I'm not sure if you had read my whole first post.....

 

Manic depression is a much more serious problem..........I have been through therapy since I was 16...I am now 24. This is not a simple matter of feeling down on myself...I have a serious condition, and I'm proud enough to say I can acknowledge it.

 

As far as her coming back to me because of my mental struggles...lord no, not for that. I would have preferred that since she knew my state, and claims she loves me, and that I'm one of the most important people in her life...she would just be a little more caring of my situation...I'm not looking for pity from her...just a little more tactfulness on how she is going about her actions. I can't keep her from dating, of course...but at least give me some proof that she cares about my wellbeing...

[jony1234]

hey man life has its ups and downs...u will be happy eventullly ...just tryto keep your head up and think positive///

[sepiaswirl]

the guy i love stopped talkin to me three months ago for a married woman (yea and im still really upset over it. the way i cope is by tryin to turn the tables - to try and help out other people or do things that others appreciate.

 

also, what seems like the hardest thing to do is to try and find some1 else to be with! not just some1 else to talk to, like here, but another person who can make u feel whole. when i felt i couldnt stand it without him anymore i did a lot of things online, like putting my name in dating sites, goin and chattin to new people, anything that would reinforce that i was a person of value, that i had something to give to some1 other than him. that has helped alot.

 

its really true that no matter how perfect they are, if it ended, it wasnt right. doesnt matter what the reasons are, doesnt matter what the future holds, the very fact that it ended is signal enough that "the one" is not here yet. doesnt mean she isnt out there though. in the meantime, there are other people there who care about u and they deserve your time.

 

its clear that u are great at expressing yourself and opening ur heart up. its pretty uncanny actually. that is something that those who care about u no doubt love and appreciate. dont give that thought and that heart to some1 who cant appreciate it..that would be a terrible waste.

[Elliesonline]

I agree with sepiaswirl, and being active will help you to pull through. Help others who are in your situation, and share your insight with the rest of us.

 

She should have stuck by you when you were having problems, but sometimes people do what they have to do. One day, she will realize that she passed up the opportunity to be truly happy, but by that time, you will have met someone much better.

[JT]

Well I can speak from experience. I've always been depressed myself. Tried to kill myself on 3 occasions. For me it runs in the family.. grandpa killed himself as well.

 

What you have to realize is tht you probably have a chemical imbalance. A lot of people have it.. yet you have to understand that you have this and you have to take medicine for the rest of your life. Much like you have diabetes per say. It also helps to resolve things in your childhood that make you sad and angry now. Most likely your ex girlfriend has brought something up from your childhood that you have'nt resolved. You must look deep inside yourself.. much painful therapy will have to take place before your able to finally resolve it for yourself.

 

Any relationship you get in from now on will most likely resurface these issues, and if you have'nt resolved them then they will burden you for the rest of your life.

 

I dont suggest you stray from meds, else your gonna act really goofy and depressed. It is possible to overcome depression, but you must have a higher conscious of yourself and your behavior before your able to understand and share yourself with another intimate partner. It takes much willpower to do so. Look at me, it took 3 attempts at ending my life and Im still not cured and I'm almost 30.. but I do try hard not to give up and neither should you.

[JT]

Well I can speak from experience. I've always been depressed myself. Tried to kill myself on 3 occasions. For me it runs in the family.. grandpa killed himself as well.

 

What you have to realize is tht you probably have a chemical imbalance. A lot of people have it.. yet you have to understand that you have this and you have to take medicine for the rest of your life. Much like you have diabetes per say. It also helps to resolve things in your childhood that make you sad and angry now. Most likely your ex girlfriend has brought something up from your childhood that you have'nt resolved. You must look deep inside yourself.. much painful therapy will have to take place before your able to finally resolve it for yourself.

 

Any relationship you get in from now on will most likely resurface these issues, and if you have'nt resolved them then they will burden you for the rest of your life.

 

I dont suggest you stray from meds, else your gonna act really goofy and depressed. It is possible to overcome depression, but you must have a higher conscious of yourself and your behavior before your able to understand and share yourself with another intimate partner. It takes much willpower to do so. Look at me, it took 3 attempts at ending my life and Im still not cured and I'm almost 30.. but I do try hard not to give up and neither should you.

[olderthanu]

i too have suffered from depression, not severely, but enough to affect my life and family.

So i sat down and took a long hard look at myself, and was very critical. i worked out what made me happy and what made me unhappy.

i made alot of changes, some quite drastic, changed jobs a few times, until i found one i loved and now i think i can say that i am happy.

i still get the odd few days that i am down, but generally life is much, much better.

 

you have seen the person you are capable of being and you liked it, that is you being like that, not her, so you can be that person again.

 

She is now one of those things to be written in the making you unhappy column.

 

you are strong enough to talk about your problems, so you are definitely strong enough to come through this, and come out the other side even stronger

 

GOOD LUCK

[OnlyAshes]

Well it's been a few days....I have still kept the anger....and to be honest...I am doing better. It's such an odd feeling...I just had so much emotion and hatred.....that quite honestly, I believe it is working. Is this normal.

 

It HAD been sometime since I had made contact with her...and she called me last night out of the blue. She said she tried to write me a letter, and she couldn't, and that there were some things she wanted to talk to me about....have a great night! (obviously I didn't answer the phone, she left a VM). So there I was, getting over this person, healing....despising this woman...and actually "somewhat" getting through things...then this happened.

 

Curiosity killed the cat.....

 

I broke the rule...I called her back

 

It did not end good.....

 

I LET HER HAVE IT...and I felt good about it at the time.....then I felt bad...what have I done.

 

I called her back and apologized, and she said she understood....and SHE forgave ME. What the hell was I thinking? And now I have to start all over again. Let this be a lesson to ANYONE, if your ex calls you...DO NOT CALL THEM BACK. She had no real reason to call me....NONE. But to cause me more pain? Because of her interest? To be honest, I don't care...I have convinced myself to hate her...and there is no turning back now.

 

God help me, and hopefully I have made a good decision.

 

*edit in regards to the previous posts, and not making this just another vent post*

 

I have been keeping busy...I've been to 3 concerts, hung out with MANY of my old friends..taking trips to other states...just MAKING myself have fun. But you all know the root of why I can do this...my anger. Hopefully I can let this go....LONG down the line. As far as doing things for others...I have been sooo busy with that as well. My parents are struggling as well with life issues...and I'm trying my hardest to be a huge part in their life again...and help them through it....as well as many of my friends in need. It has proven to be hard to put my problems to the side, and help out friends in need...but it is something else that is playing a large factor in my healing.

 

I am so blessed for you guys on this forum

[JT]

It takes time. Its been 6 months for me. i have dated others but no one has come close to her. i was the one to leave her.. on bad terms..i could never go back.. i have to live with that.. and in hopes that someday i will find someone who's a better fit for me.

 

its funny how your sad until you find someone good if not better for you in the meantime...

 

life is hard.

[boomer1619]

hey ashes, I am excited for you. You are starting to understand the normality of your emotions at a time like this. AND YOU ARE DOING ALL THE BEST THINGS FOR YOURSELF. I told you last week that the anger is actually near the end of the grieving process, and that is when the true peace begins. the fact that you are trying to be there for your family, tells me miles about you, and your character, I can tell that you arent gonna let this get you down, and that you are gonna make the best of it. You are keeping busy, and I know that you are starting to feel better. Man you are doing great, and dont let anyone tell you otherwise dude. Keep us all informed, stay busy, keep hanging out with ALL those friends, and stick with the Family, they neeed you, and you need them, and there will never be any love like that I promise you. You are the MAN, and a great one to allow yourself to take care of YOURSELF. Just hang in there man. I think the world of you for your progress, and it is just another inspiration for me, to keep my head up. Peace be with you.

 

Boomer

[Michael36]

I don't expect anyone to actually read all of this...but I do feel a little better after writing it.

Yes, sharing your pain with others serves the same basic function as crying does: emotional ventilation. It doesn't eliminate the pain entirely, of course, but does at least make it more tolerable.

 

I, too, know what it's like to be with a girl you love for years, only to see her go (seemingly overnight) from wanting you to not wanting you. That has got to be the worst feeling in the world. What made it especially bad for me was that I lost all my self-confidence, thus gauranteeing that none of the other women I had an interest in would want me either, thus fueling the very fire that crushed my self-confidence in the first place.

 

Therein lies the cruel irony for any guy who's in that situation. He can't get his confidence back simply by wishing for it. To regain it he usually has to start dating a woman he likes. Yet without self-confidence, very few of the women he likes will want to date him in the first place, and the occasional one who does date him probably won't want to go beyond the first or second date.

 

Women don't realize how much better they have it than men when it comes to escaping from that sort of emotional rut. All they have to do is exercise a lot, put on a sexy outfit, go to a club, and just stand there as one guy after another lets her know just how desired and wanted she really is.

 

For me, and for most other guys I know, it just doesn't work that way. People have been telling me my whole life (without my asking) what a good-looking guy I am, yet if I go to a club and stand some place visible, not a single female will approach me all night. And whenever I approach them, they always have a boyfriend (or so they say). That's why I stopped going out years ago.

 

The only advice I can give from this experience is that you need to learn to enjoy your own company. (This is where hobbies can prove invaluable.) That won't fill in the gap that was left by your ex, but will at least give you the strength you need to be functional. As time goes by, and your ability to enjoy your own company increases, you'll likely find -- when you least expect it -- a new, more suitable woman taking an interest in you without any effort on your part.

 

In that sense, sometimes the only way to get what you want is to let it go first.

 

Hope that helps.