New Sneaking, Old Fears

[Skeptic76]

My wife of over 9 years has been sneaking drinks and lying outright about her drinking for months. I also found a weed pipe while looking for ski gloves a week ago. She swore that she gave all that up and threw the stoner paraphanelia out. As a sober alcoholic I have very conflicted feelings about her drinking (she has thus far caused damage at a lesser degree than the extent of MY boozing,) but have finally resigned myself to the idea of attending alanon meetings to seek help in the "her drinking is hurting me" department.

 

Where I'm more fearful right now is in the area of past emotional wounds being reopened. The lack of trust I'm feeling as a result of being lied to recently has me questioning my decision to reconcile with my wife a couple of years ago after catching her in an affair. (Disclaimer: I also cheated on her one night during a business trip years ago. Yes, she knows.)

 

I certainly don't want to beat a dead horse by bringing up my fears to her but I'm honestly sleepless thinking about what the combination of lies and reduced inhibitions means for our relationship.

 

Today I am not considering leaving her as an option. So I need to find super cheap couples counseling (suggestions please?) And what else?

 

Thanks.

[pinkelephant]

It sounds like you could benefit from spending more time together to rebuild your relationship. From there on, you might be more comfortable in talking about your fears and doubts. Do you do things together? Hobbies?

[Skeptic76]

We're on a family ski trip right now. First vacatiin in years due to LOW funds but good bonding.

 

We like to play boardgames and hike.

 

Time together is good I think....

[becomingkate]

I'm very concerned that you're clean and she's using; are you worried that you may start drinking again? Also, do you have children?

 

My late husband drank himself to death in 2002, when he was 35; I never had the guts to leave and I feel that if I had, he might have gotten the help he needed.

 

I agree that counselling might help you decide what to do. I don't know where you are in California but I found one link for a place at Loma Linda University:

 

link removed

[pl3asehelp]

Have you spoke to her about the lying, drinking, and pipe you found?

[Skeptic76]

I have called her on the lying and drinking but not the pipe.

 

Right now I have a little over a year sober....second try. The first period of sobriety lasted just shy of five years and she was drinking the whole time.

 

We have two kids.

 

Part of the problem is right now is a bad time to talk....

[pl3asehelp]

Why not ask about the pipe? I guess I'd actually be much more concerned about the booze than weed though. Has she been to treatment before? Do you think she's actually an alcoholic or are you just worried about her getting drunk and cheating on you? Really 2 different issues there.

[Skeptic76]

I'm not concerned about her drinking as long as it isn't a problem to her. It sucks at times for me (like last night when she claimed she was too exhausted to take her turn doing the kids' bedtime routine but was able to stay up until almost 1:00am drinking with a friend staying at our timeshare with us. Also, she was more interested in talking & having drinks with our friend than having sex which we had been talking about and anticipating all day. Grrr.)

 

So sometimes I resent the drinking but there is no calamity happening as a result. Mostly I'm concerned about the lying and sneaking.

 

As to why I didn't bring up the pipe...I realize this makes me somewhat of a jerk but if I'm honest: I was "holding it in my pocket" to use if needed at a later time. For example she is mad about some thing I did or didn't do, I can play my "you're not perfect either card." Geez....spelling that out really made me feel bad about my thinking here. Guess i really should just let her know I found it.

 

Becomingkate - sorry to hear about your husband, that must have been very difficult for you. And thanks for the link...I'm not close to loma linda but it gives me some ideas on how to look for cheap couples therapy.

[pl3asehelp]

Sounds like there are some bigger problems to me. Sharing responsibility and avoiding communicating honestly, resentment, counter attacks - not good. Seems like some basic foundational relationship skills are lacking.

[Skeptic76]

That's true. Our relatiinship (to one degree or another) has been like this the whole14 years we've been together too.

 

If there wasn't a deep love for each other underlying our dysfunction we would have split up LONG ago.

 

I'm sick of it though. I have made a concerted effort to be aware of my poor communication errors and manipulative "tactics" and while I definitely see improvement I realize that I need outside help because it feels like one step forward two back, etc.. So for me: alanon. For us (provided she agrees): counseling.

 

As I type she has taken the kids to go sledding while I stayed at the condo because we got into a nasty fight. Things are at a crossroads here and if there isn't dramatic change I'm pretty sure I will be leaving.