Advice for a guy who has never found love?

[Hotdamm]

Well..................I'll keep this as short as I can.

 

Being alone is driving me crazy. Here is my situation. I'm 23 years old, I've never had a relationship with, or even kissed a women. Now before you say what kind of anti-social person could this be, let me tell you about myself. I'm a self made man. I started in sales when I was 16 years old. I was very shy in highschool until my senior year. When I got out of HS, I didn't really have the choice of going to college. I didn't let that hold me back. I've made a great carreer out of sales, now I'm the National Sales Trainer for an Electronic Payment Processing company. I've been a sales trainer for 2 1/2 years now, and have enjoyed making a descent salery. I've focused extreamly hard on work, and now I feel like its ruined my life.

 

When I was younger, I used to work 50-60 hours a week to make the money I wanted, now I'm older and have become wrapped up in corp. america. I visit two cities a week for work, I'm home for one day a week. I used to be a fairly social person. I've never had good luck with ladies, I was born with a droopy eye lid (Ptosis). In HS it was a source of huge inscurities, I've since had it cosmeticly improved, but its still not perfect. I always figured that my face/eyes were so unattractive that was the reason I got turned down (the few times I tried to get a date). After HS I figured that if I met a woman she would express some interest in me and get past the visual turn off. I travel all the time now for work, and my social life is falling apart. I end up sitting in a hotel room ever night, sleepless every night thinking about how lonely I am. I've lost contact with most of my friends now, because I'm just not around much.

 

I find myself almost obbsessed with depression and being alone. I really like being a trainer, and the job market for that field has always been slim. I'm thankful to have a good paying job, but I find myself thinking about quiting it just so I can be around more of my friends and mabye one day break my curse of lovelessness.

 

Guys and Gals, I'd really like some advice. I don't want to give up the money (its very good), but I'm so miserable its not even funny. I not a terribly ugly guy (I look good with a pair of sunglasses) and I really long to have a meaningful relationship with a women. It makes me really sad and depressed to see my friends find happieness (some have married, a few even have had kids). I know that sounds bad and all, but I'm actually to the point now that I don't really even want to be around my friends that are couples, it just makes me hurt inside.

 

Thoughts are welcome folks

 

BTW (I'm 6'4", with short brown hair, brown eyes, I'm fairly fit and weigh 195lbs. I think I'm good looking minus the droopy eyelid)

[Fretless]

Walk up to a woman and deliver one of your best sales pitches. The product is you.

 

(I realize this isnt very useful advice, but I still felt like saying it. )

[Hotdamm]

Walk up to a woman and deliver one of your best sales pitches. The product is you.

 

(I realize this isnt very useful advice, but I still felt like saying it. )

 

It seems as though it would be that easy, but sales is more of a show or game to me. I don't have any desire to meet a girl that likes me for anything but my true self. I'm also not willing to change/sacrifice who I am just to get a higher ranking with the ladies. I am the only person that I know how to be, and that should be enough for anyone.

 

 

 

Not to keep running on, and on, but................I think pretty highly of myself. I drive a hot car, I've got a Sport motorcycle, I like dressing well (I look badaas in a suit with a pair of Oakley C-wires). I forced myself to be a positive out going guy with no luck in the dating department. I know that I'm not a loser, but paitently waiting is starting to get to me.

[HereItIs]

Nobody wants some lonely person in their life. People want someone who has interests. An energy for people. A friendly attitude. And who knows who they are and what they are about.

 

You have two hurdles (if we don't count your spelling ).

 

First, you have to be interesting to people. You have to want to give to them. Not material goods, but yourself, your time, your ear. If your life is about you being terribly lonely, that is where it will stay. Develop interests. Have things that you can talk about. Volunteer. Seek adventure.

 

Second, you need to put yourself into situations where you will meet and interact with women. A dance class is a wonderful place to meet women. If you are scared of women, so much the better reason for taking a dance class. And become an expert at dancing. Women like men who can make them look good on a dance floor.

 

I am assuming your hygiene is not a problem, and that you try to dress in a stylish way.

 

And if you are traveling all the time, maybe that is another problem. Who wants someone who is never around? And if they do, they might not like you if you stay around.

 

That is my two cents.

[Hotdamm]

Good points. I would agree that my attitude has gone down hill in the last 6-8 months. I take good care of myself, I have to speak infort of large groups of people, and don't really have a problems just making small talk (even with good looking girls).

 

This will sound kind of messed up, but I've always believed that I've got to take care of myself first. I've been 100% on my own since I was 17, and I always looked out for myself. I'm sick and tired of being a "good listener" every time I've tried to be that guy with a ladie, I always end up in the friend zone. You said that I can't be all about being lonely, and I totally agree. I hide my sadness to everyone, that I'm around. I love to crack jokes and get people to laugh.

 

I do have a lot of hobbies and interest though (most of them have gone to the wayside since I started travelling). I've been into fast cars for sometime. I love working on my Camaro, I used to go to car meets and races often. I used to belong to a Sportbike club and go to meets all the time. I'm a huge movie buff, I'm also a deep music lover (I'm the kind of person that likes to sit down and just listen to music).

 

Hmmm..................Dance class. I never really thought about that. I'm not that great of a dancer, not a bad idea at all.

 

 

Not bad advice at all. Keep'em coming

[Mr. Cactus]

Hotdamm,

 

Maybe you can put more focus on the positive aspects of your life. I am much older then you, and I too can't say I have ever had a "proper" relationship either. This really bugged me to terrible distraction when I was in my twenties, but now, in my late thirties, I'm much more "OK" with it. I guess it is because as I've gotten older, I find a lot of varied things that fill my time up nicely and which emotionally fulfill me. Additionally, I am well past the stage where I ever feel any pressure from anyone that I should embark on a relationship. Perhaps some of your problem is that there is intangible pressure on you (family, peers, friends, etc) that you should be in a relationship. This pressure might be nothing more than seeing your friends in relationships and you simply feeling on the outer, or just sensing these feelings or vibes wherever you go.

 

I would suggest you actually attempt to think less about the problem and that will more likely bring you some success. It's not through chance that relationships strike up at the time you least expect and when you are not even "trying". Plus, rather than going into things with that metal picture of a "real" relationship hanging over your head (yes, we males just can't help visualising these things), approach things with no plan or expectations as to what might lay ahead. Suddenly you might find you have "acquaintances" who lead you to "friends" who lead to "good friends" who lead you to onto a relationship.

 

I hope you don't consider me out of line for suggesting this, but I feel in your particular situation your best chances are to initally pursue the "friendship" route which then forces people to appraise you as a person and less on any physical problems you feel might be holding you back.

 

For my own part I've never even had any serious friendhips over the last 4 years since being retrenched from work. But when I was completely unexpecting it, I have since struck up a very rewarding friendship with a lovely young lady. And when it happened, I had all but totally given up on my chances of even that ever happening.

 

As I say - there is a bright side. You have your health, finances are in order and you have a fulfilling career. There are a lot of people in relationships who would do anything just to have those.

 

Heck - you are only 23. What I would give to be 23 again

[HereItIs]

You say you talk to girls, small talk. Then what? Do you tell them you find them interesting and ask them if they would like to go out for a bite of pizza, or what? Where is thing thing falling apart? Do you find the girls you talk to interesting, or are they just good looking? What do you want out of a relationship? What are you going to bring to it? What do you want the girl to bring to it?

[Hotdamm]

You say you talk to girls, small talk. Then what? Do you tell them you find them interesting and ask them if they would like to go out for a bite of pizza, or what? Where is thing thing falling apart? Do you find the girls you talk to interesting, or are they just good looking? What do you want out of a relationship? What are you going to bring to it? What do you want the girl to bring to it?

 

Usally it breaks down when I go for the move. Typically when I ask a girl out, I usally get turned down. I never throw myself on women, and only after getting to know them some what do I ever ask them out on a date. The only luck I've had going out with girls is when its to meet a group of people. You bring up a good point though "hereitis", a girls looks really arn't what promt me to ask them out. I really want a girl that I can talk with, that I can do things with. Someone to love, but someone who is a companion also. Your last two questions are tough, I honestly don't know what I would bring to a relationship. I'd like to bring affection, love, fun, and a little bit of excitement (I don't really even know if thats what a relationship is about). The only things that I would like a women to bring to a relationship would be affection (hugs and kisses!) and a desire to be with me.

 

 

"Mr. Cactus" Good advice also. Its nice to hear from someone that can relate. I really try to not think about relationships and such during the day, but at the end of the night, it pretty hard.

[HereItIs]

How do you go for the move? How do you respond to the rejection? Does the girl seem interested in you, you ask her, and No?

 

Also, your interests, except for music and movies, are not what I imagine would be a bridge to women, although I could be wrong. But unless a bunch of girls want to hang around and watch you work on your car, you might want to expand your range of interests more. Do you travel internationally? The more interesting answer would be Yes.

 

Maybe you should go to college! There are lots of girls there. And it is a place where you can expand who you are a lot more than is possible spending your days traveling and training others, and your nights alone away from your home base.

 

It would be a lot easier to hit the numbers of women and the variety of women you need to connect, if you go to college. You would be a big man on campus with your successful background in business, as well. Lots of possible activities as well. I went to college to meet women, and it worked for me. And I took a dance class in college, and was like you until I did. I did live in a dorm, which permitted a lot of social interaction as well.

 

You have done the work thing, and you can leverage that in college.

 

Good luck!

[ck]

I know what you mean man.

 

As a person the same age as you I can tell you you probably just missed a smidge of things from not going to college, you make quality friends more than in High school. Other than that I have the same hurdles.

 

In the Job section your good, no need to change that. Though it will be tough for you to meet women when work takes up most of your time and life. I go to school and work, so you can imagine how many parties I have been to after high school...yep NONE!

 

This is the reality of life your looks do play a part in getting women. Don't let nobody gas you and tell you no it isn't becaue then they are just lying. Are your standards really high? Like you only think of dating cheerleaders who look like Jessica Alba? try the normal nice looking women.

 

In college there is a lot of women but most just only want to be friends.

[Hotdamm]

"Hereitis" Well, I usally play the casual card. If things are going well, and she seems like an interesting lady and fliters back with me, then I'll casually ask if she would like to get together sometime and do something fun (movie, concert, ect...). If when I get the NO I just tend to play it off and say something like "cool, maybe some other time" or what ever. It doesn't piss me off or make me sad, I just assume it wasn't ment to be. I also don't think I shoot for women out of my league either. I don't normally look for the 10s. I actually like less than perfect women (Curves, dark hair, dark eyes). I don't flip over the "10s" personality is really what promts me to make the move. When I meet a confident or out spoken lady, it really gets my interest.

 

I'd agree that I need to pick up some new hobbies, but I'm not really sure what I can do since I travel. Sadly I only get to travel in the states, its not really that exciting talking about trips to Jacksonville FL or Houston TX. I'm gonna have to work on that.

 

College would be a great place to make some friends and meet some ladies, but its not possible with out giving up my income/job. I've got two car payments, and a house payment. I can't afford to do it. Not that I wouldn't like the chance to go back to school, but I've made too many commitments.

 

"CK" Its nice to know that other guys know what its like.

 

I have a lot of interest, but it seems none of them are really that interesting to women. What kind of hobbies would put me around women, or be interesting to them? The only qualm I have is that I'm not going to superfically enjoy a hobby just to meet women. I know that sounds stupid, but I'm all about honesty. Keep in mind also that I'm home typically one day a week, so any new hobbies/interests would need to be on a once a week basis.

[ck]

I don't know how many hobbies take on a once a week schedule, but I do know that you can ask around. Ask instructors and stuff.

 

In my college dance classes seem to be the it thing for females, any type of dance hip-hop, tap, ballet, but mostly modern and ballet which has like 80% of it's students females.Swiming, tennis and martial arts has it's fair share of females.

 

I wouldn't recomend taking ballet those if your not into it because then youldd be misreble and look like you only took it for the women which you did, and it's won't be worth it if they have boyfriends.

 

Try taking up a cooking class, I mean you need to eat and it's good to know how to make some stuff up when your hungry or bored.

[joe45]

lol i am thinkin a guy with ur success and how tall u are i am guesiing u would have tons of girls wantin u. hey do u even apporach the ladies or ask em out b/c u have to do that.

i am totally opposite of u not tall and not success but at least i try with the ladies and yea they say NO but so what

 

oh ya i'm 5 7 and i consider myself good looking and i still don't get a lot of ladies, b/c-it is the guys who have to apporach the ladies not ladies apporach us. i go to college and it doesn;t do much for meeting ladies tell u the truth- ppl go to class, listen to the instructor talk, and when ur done ppl leave the class, only time u have to chit chat is like during the 10 minutes break, or if the gal u like is in ur group project or she sits next to u , other than that its pretty hard. ppl come to class finish and then go home. not much for socializing telling u the truth.

btw i am almost like ur age too , never had a gf or date, but i am a shy guy and only asked a gal out just recetly which was my first proposal in my life

[Mun]

Hi there,

I am very surprised that no ladies have posted advice on here yet.

 

Hot I think you have a serious problem. You say that you are are making good money -who doesn't want that?- but you are not willing or able to cut back on you work schedule to make time to socialize. My friend, this is doing you in. The amount of work and your financial obligations are not helping your situation one bit. Is there any way you can have only one vehicle and schedule one more day off a week?

 

If you had a girlfriend, when would you see her? Could you honestly devote time to a relationship?

 

Success and money are great, but they are indirectly contributing to your loneliness and deppression.

 

I suggest you start socializing with your married friends again, they might know single, interesting women that you could meet.

I just got back tonight from a bridal shower. I was curious about how the bride and groom met because they are both in their 30's and I know how difficult it is to meet someone as we get older. Well, a friend introduced them. Your friends are a great resource, don't let them go.

 

I hope that you can find some way to increase your time off. You are going to need it to get your social life going. It would be terrible if you ended up with great toys but nobody to play with.

 

Think about it. I wish you the best.

always.

[Hotdamm]

"Muneca"

 

I think your right.

 

I've been thinking a lot about life and such, I'm going to have to change my situation.

 

I can't change my time off, I could get rid of some stuff, make the money position change.

 

I was also thinking that maybe a relationship isn't ment for me. That sounds fairly pesimistic I know. I don't really prescribe to religion, so I don't believe in the whole fate thing.

 

It might be a true challange of life to go it alone! I know that one of life's greatest lessons is learning to depend on yourself.

 

Thanks for the good advice folks.