We "need" to talk? We do?? about what?

[na49]

I guess I should start with my story. Well as short of a version of it as I can give you all. My ex broke up with me almost 3 months ago. She cheated on me, demonized me to her new college friends, and flat out disrespected me. She was my first love, first serious relationship, first for a lot of things. I loved her, thought she loved me, we were "meant" for each other and all of that nonsense.

 

So after a month of begging and pleading like the dog she thinks I am, I go NC after telling her "don't talk to me about your new guy problems, I don't appreciate it". She told me "my friends are better than you anyway". Okay, fast forward three weeks from then and I start getting texts that just say "hey". One text per week. Next it's "I need to talk to you" As if my head hasn't been messed with enough by this point, here I am thinking she wants me back. Well... not quite. Last week I get a text "I know we ended on bad terms, I'd like to be friends". I've stayed strong with my NC though, and haven't cracked. On Christmas Eve I get a call from her, I was busy so I missed it but recognized the number. Yesterday on Christmas freaking day, I get a text from her that says "I miss you and it's me, I really want to talk to you". Well she got me to think about her on Christmas, exactly what I didn't want... Later that night. Another text! "*my full name* we reallllllyy need to talk"

 

It got me thinking, if WE needed to talk about something. Shouldn't I know what we need to talk about? I have no idea what she wants and she insists that WE need to talk. I should mention that my ex is very insecure and stays friends with all of her ex boyfriends. I will never be able to be friends with this person however, at least I don't see it happening anytime in the future.

 

Well I've been so strong with my NC to this point, I have no plans on breaking it. I've also considered blocking her number multiple times but haven't been able to go through with it. Just when I think I can, she texts me and I enjoy the attention so much I don't go through with it. We both go to the same college, so I may still see her around campus.

 

I just wanted to get some thoughts on all of this. It must be friend zone BS right? Obviously I want it to mean more, but it doesn't. Thanks guys.

[MikNomis]

Trust me, people can be really crazy about wanting to talk to their ex. They make it sound so important as if someone's died just to get a response out of you. I'll tell you right now, if you reply and let her talk to you, all it will amount to is her talking and talking about how she loves you but can't be with you, maybe in the future blah blah blah. Basically in the end you'll have gotten nowhere and just wasted your time and delayed healing.

[iamkaylee]

Yeah, it's more selfish crap. She's probably bent because you've gone NC on her and she doesn't like it. Keep ignoring her and do yourself a favor by blocking her number.

[catfeeder]

If you were able to say that she dumped you but remained kind and respectful, you might consider having something to talk about. But this wasn't just a breakup, it was after-kill. What's to talk about after that?

[SoLost12]

Yaaa Alarm Bells All over the Place!! lol

 

You're 100% right in saying this: It got me thinking, if WE needed to talk about something. Shouldn't I know what we need to talk about?

 

I think the fact that you're her only exbf not to keep in touch is playing heavily with insecurities that she doesn't want to deal with, so she's chosing to stalk you instead. You know my ex had kept in touch with ALL his exgfs too... when he broke up with me he wanted to be friends right away- i went hard NC. After a couple of months, he texted me on my bday asking to have dinner. I said no. I spoke to a friend about it & she put it in a great way. She said that he wants to be friends because that fact would justify all the hurt & crappy things he did to me. (Appease guilt) Like somewhere inside he knows that he was wrong (he blames for everything!)- but his mentality is that if he can get me to be his 'friend,' keep me in his life / see me - then all is forgiven. It minimizes his horrible actions.

 

She has disrespected you enough! Do NOT give her any peace of mind that her actions were okay. She may have the attention of every other guy she's ever dated or whatever but you're NOT every other guy. The relationship was more to you than 'whatever- let's just be friends.' So don't back down from that!

 

PS - Youre doing so well! You have a great perspective on You!

[SoLost12]

Also - When you're ready, rising above loving the attention (i love that you can admit that!) and blocking her # / getting a new # is gonna make you feel Great!

[na49]

I think what's helped me keep things in perspective is that I've gotten rid of the idea that we were "meant for each other" and that she was "the one". It wasn't just taking her off the pedestal, but also realizing that "the one" for me doesn't go and do what she does. You're right, the relationship meant A LOT more to me than just "okay it's over, let's be friends". I didn't get into a romantic relationship and give everything I had for the end result to be just friends. So it's either me, or it's not me. She made her choice already. It wasn't me. As much as it sucks to have to deal with the fact that someone doesn't want me, it doesn't mean that someone else won't want me instead.

 

This has to be just her trying to relieve her guilt? Right? She can't deal with the fact that there is one person who doesn't think she's a nice person. She finally realizes that I'm trying to move on. I'm not going to say "how high?" when she asks me to jump or come running when she rings a bell. That has to be a shot to her gigantic ego.

 

Not afraid to admit anything either lol. I feel awesome when I see her text and ignore it. It feels good at first, but then it gets me thinking about her. Which is NOT what I want to do. I can't forget she exists, but I don't want to be reminded of her if I don't have to be. I hate how I get so close to blocking her number, and then stop myself. I'll get there eventually (I thought I was there already, but didn't do it) Once she's blocked and I know for a fact that she can't talk to me, I will feel great. Another way I see it is if it was so important, she'd try a little harder but as MikNomis said, she's making it sound like someone just died with how "urgent" it is. It'll be just that. "I miss our friendship, I miss you, let's be friends" which is never going to be a possibility. If I'm such a jerk, why does she even want to be bothered with me? Maybe I wasn't a jerk. Maybe she's just lying to herself and is lonely because she doesn't have as many friends as she thinks.

[Fantanos]

No contact is a killer, it makes the other person think a lot more then they had been.

 

Do as you wish my friend but as soon as you start talking again she will do the same thing. As soon as she finds out you are still interested, she will start treating you like dirt once again.

[na49]

No contact is a killer, it makes the other person think a lot more then they had been.

 

Do as you wish my friend but as soon as you start talking again she will do the same thing. As soon as she finds out you are still interested, she will start treating you like dirt once again.

 

Of course, I am interested, I don't want her to know that if she doesn't have to, and if she just wants to use me to stroke her ego I'll have no part of it. I don't plan on speaking to her again any time soon.

[SpottiOtti]

I also love your self-awareness, na49. I agree with the others that she is scratching her head because you actually are able to live without even mere crumbs of the great and magnificent her in your life. She sounds very immature and definitely not on your wavelength.

 

If the texts are setting you back in your growth and healing, I think you should block her or change your number. But at the rate you are going, it seems like it might not be long before you just laugh at her little games when you receive them.

[na49]

I also love your self-awareness, na49. I agree with the others that she is scratching her head because you actually are able to live without even mere crumbs of the great and magnificent her in your life. She sounds very immature and definitely not on your wavelength.

 

If the texts are setting you back in your growth and healing, I think you should block her or change your number. But at the rate you are going, it seems like it might not be long before you just laugh at her little games when you receive them.

 

Thanks, I've found that I have to be when dealing with this situation. She does think she's all that as I've said before so she must be a little confused especially considering her ex (before me) tried to sabotage her relationship with me when he found out she was dating again. I told her to block him from her life entirely and stop talking to him. Did she ever listen? No. And as much as she told me she hated the attention she was getting from him, I know for a fact that she loves every minute of it. So when I'm not bothering with her so soon after the breakup. Almost a month later I went NC, she probably thought "well screw him" at first. But Once she saw I was serious, she's starting to feel a little guilty. "What if he actually does hate me?" "What if he thinks I'm X or Y?" "I'm a great person, and there's someone who doesn't think so?

 

Well I do hate her, whenever I start missing her I remind myself of that. I remind myself of her new "friends". The ones who she went to when she was mad at me. Instead of TALKING to me, she went to them. That frustrates the hell out of me but also helps me cope and not miss her. I feel like I've gotten my closure already. The text she sent last week saying "I know we ended on bad terms, but I'd like to remain friends" was all that I needed to hear. Any false senses of hope were gone at that point. I know she doesn't want me back. I'm fine with that. I have to be fine with it at this point, nothing I can do can win her back. Even if there was something, I wonder if I could ever trust this person again. If I found out she was talking to a guy, I would have to assume she was cheating on me. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

As for the blocking her number thing... Well if reminding me of her existence or making me think about her when I REALLY don't want to is a setback. Then yes, blocking her number is probably the best way to go. She had me blocked on facebook, unblocked me, but once I found out, I blocked her before I could see her profile and damage myself even further. I don't play twenty questions with her texts anymore which I used to do a lot. I know they don't really mean much, as I said. I love the attention from her. To know that she still cares enough to take time to text me is nice. To know that I'm missed is also nice. Even though I know "I miss you" doesn't mean "I want to date you again" it means "I'm bored, I'm guilty, no one will talk to me, so come talk to me you loyal dog"

[CupidMissedMe]

Aw we are in the same boat my friend... you should read mine. I haven't spoken to him for 3 months, it drove him crazy, as soon as he got his fix of me, off he goes again.

[SoLost12]

 

This has to be just her trying to relieve her guilt? Right? She can't deal with the fact that there is one person who doesn't think she's a nice person."QUOTE]

 

Ahahaha! You're really good at this- you dont need us! jkjk

 

Exactly!! It's completely about her guilt. People like her are complete airheads to me! She needs to know that you still think alllll the wonderful things about her that you did before you guys broke up, otherwise she may start to actually feel like she did something wrong- and they can't handle the idea that you think that They're the bad guy, however they have NO problem being the bad guy. Always unaware of how selfish they are- how every action is about them, what THEY want. The dumb 'I don't get it, why can't we be friends' BS is because while your feelings were meaningful & true- hers probably aren't able to run as deeply, so its extra simple for her to change relationship status' without blinking an eye.

IE - "I know we ended on bad terms, but I'd like to remain friends"

UuummMmm ... NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU'D LIKE ANYMORE!

 

Also running to these new friends instead of her bf with relationship 'issues' -> wanting attention, drama & to be the center of everyones universe.

 

Keeping a hopeful ex around?? I wouldn't do that if I were SINGLE let alone had a loving bf who specifically ASKED me to cut contact. It's like she never even saw the potential of losing you or causing you worry as a problem.

 

The difference between those guys & youself is Also that while they may have gotten played by her they are caught up in mind games of their own- thinking 'I dont want to seem like I care that she left' or 'maybe she wants me back' - so they keep her around. You're SO much more evolved than that, and you don't care! At the end, I could care less about him thinking I was 'over it' or not. I loved him. He hurt the hell out of me & now finally, Im done. I'm not gonna pretend Anything for his benefit. I just wanted him out of my life- it would be too painful otherwise. So whatever he's sitting there thinking or not thinking about my NC... I dont care.

 

"I'm bored, I'm guilty, no one will talk to me, so come talk to me you loyal dog" -> LOL

 

The blocking / deleting her number will come in time. It'll come, and it'll feel better if you do it when that feeling is at peace inside of you to X her out for good. I've been pretty ok... deleted everything! Texts, FB, Pics, Emails ... then today I came accross a picture he had given me of himself (duplicates) ... I felt nothing towards it. It felt like looking at a stranger...but I couldnt throw them away. (its hard to throw pics away for some reason! i felt bad... but why! I should be thinking of me first!) - Also since he texted me on my bday I havnt re-deleted his phone# (like should I text him back for his bday now? uuugh) and still have those texts... dont know why I havn't deleted them either. I came SO close yesterday after getting this oddly solemn xmas text from him... but then something stopped me! I feel that Im in no danger of either staring at those pics or calling him ANY time soon... so im willing to be patient & let the deleting do itself when it's time.

 

Keep up the Awesome Attitude! lol

[na49]

Thanks a lot. I appreciate everything. I may have the right attitude, but it's just nice to hear from others who are in a similar situation as me. It's refreshing to hear that blocking her number will come in time. I don't know why, but it's hard to cut that final line of communication even if the only communication left is bread crumbs. Must be that damn ego boost lol.

 

As for your situation, get rid of his phone number, don't text him for his birthday. He doesn't deserve a message from you. Wouldn't he feel great to know you still give a crap about him? Even if you do, he doesn't need to know that. I don't care how "solemn" he tries to make himself sound. He's probably a clown. I haven't deleted the pictures on my facebook of me and my ex. She uploaded most of them and I blocked her so I can't see anything on her profile. There's one or two that her mom uploaded of us at the prom that I can see. I look at them and feel nothing really. "Yeah, going to each others proms was fun" is really all that I felt. Seeing a picture of her and another guy would absolutely kill me though. So I'm avoiding her facebook and twitter like the plague.

[na49]

Hah, another call from her. No voice mail or anything, just another missed call. If it was SOOOOO important, I'm sure she'd leave a message or tell me. Nope, nothing. It honestly doesn't cause me any setbacks at this point. It's becoming laughable how someone who wanted me out of her life is trying to pull me back in for her own selfish reasons. She has no trouble moving on, but the minute she senses that I'm moving on she's almost offended.

 

Can anyone explain to me how someone who has so many great new "friends" needs to bother me (the supposed "bad guy" and "jerk") on a Wednesday night?

[SoLost12]

Ohyees. Seeing that he was Actually with someone else so soon afterwards- well it sent me into a catatonic state in the moment. One month later and his post to her still flows freely through my head... 'you can't look for love, you have to let love find yu...and when it does it will be an unconditional love. Look at how we met and where we are now, I couldn't be happier.' Daggers all throught my body. I analyzed and pined and wondered how he could... so soon... wondered what that meant towards me? How I couldn't fulfill this 'unconditional love' when I asked him for nothing, stoood by him at his lowest- ARRGH thinking about it now Boils me Again, until WAIT - Looking back I got those same quick declarations of love, overpowering statements about time throwing us together- lyrics about being everything he wanted (ohya I blocked him the day after- but I went looking for her!). He COULD because he's Just Like That. Simple. I went lookign for something that night & found something that hurt the most but started my healing. I'm so grateful for that moment... but SO SOOO happy I deleted FB afterwards lol

 

There's no way to prepare yourself for ever finding out stuff about them... when you do - it'll sting, but time & s implifying things helps. Found out they were still together recently... and it took me record recovery time to get over the sick feeling in my stomach. Thanks to ENA readers/posters

 

You know, thanks a million for taking time out of YOUR post to respond to my issues, it's so nice & REALLY appreciated.

Like sometimes it's adrenaline OVER IT and sometimes its just... heavy hearted. Just rememebering that post to her reminds me of how much trouble he is & I DO feel more motivated to Never invite or keep something like that in my life... (aka DELETE) .. getting there..

Wouldn't he feel great to know you still give a crap about him?

[SoLost12]

Hah, another call from her. No voice mail or anything, just another missed call. If it was SOOOOO important, I'm sure she'd leave a message or tell me. Nope, nothing. It honestly doesn't cause me any setbacks at this point. It's becoming laughable how someone who wanted me out of her life is trying to pull me back in for her own selfish reasons. She has no trouble moving on, but the minute she senses that I'm moving on she's almost offended.

 

Can anyone explain to me how someone who has so many great new "friends" needs to bother me (the supposed "bad guy" and "jerk") on a Wednesday night?

 

Oh she's entirely aware that she made ALL that BS up about you to give herself a reason to get out & cause some Drama. She has issues - and the unrested soul Looooves its drama.

He never really offered me a reason for our breakup - he told me that I should date other guys (again!) and of course this being an extremely offensive thing to just say to someone...it unravelled into a break up where he told me that he was sure I would 'stab him in his sleep.' I yell, sure. NEVER have even so much as thrown something at him.

 

She grasped at anything to let you go. So she could find new sources of energy to leech of off. The thing is they do miss attention that is familiar to them... and selfishly, she wants some of that too!

I doubt any of what she said about you was even something she even thought about until it came spewing out of her mouth. And I bet she is STILL telling her 'friends' an entirely diff story about how she's doing.. and they dont know how desperately she is trying to cling to you. People like her, Rarely appear to be what they truly are...especially to friends, family, colleagues. It's a special breed of Crazy they save for love relationships... Like turning on a switch.

 

Comes from deep insecurity tho... she's kind of screwed until she figures this out- nothing will change.

[na49]

You're right about everything that you said. I couldn't imagine how I would feel seeing my ex posting all of those gooey love lyrics about a DIFFERENT guy than me. Like I saw her post them about her ex, it bothered me a bit but not as much because I was the one she was dating at the time. So it didn't matter what she did before me. Now? Forget it. Like I said, I am avoiding her facebook and twitter like the plague. I'm afraid of it like a little kid is afraid of monsters under their closet. Like deathly afraid. I just don't want a setback at this point. NC is hard work every day, and bread crumbs don't make it easier.

 

You must know my ex lol. She is exactly as you described. She met new people who told her what she wanted to hear. When she was mad at me, she ran to them. What did you expect them to say to her when she's telling them all negative stuff about me because she's pissed. After hearing enough bad things about me, they probably told her. "Get rid of him", I know a few of her friends told her "You should talk to him". She didn't listen though. Gah I hate her so much! I just want to punch something when I think about it... She obviously didn't want it to work, so why should I want it to work now that she wants friendship to relieve her guilt?

 

She is also extremely insecure, looks for verification through other guys apparently. Her new "friends" must not be giving her any attention. Gee... I wonder why? Maybe because they aren't her friends! Maybe they are just acquaintances in her classes who want nothing to do with her outside of school. I wasn't like that. I was blinded by my love for this witch. Well not anymore, I've taken those rose colored glasses are and see her for what she is. A liar, a cheater, and a waste of my time in the end. Live and learn I guess..

 

Also don't rush moving on. It takes time for all of us. To cut ties with something we loved for so long isn't easy. As easy as it would be for me to block her number, I just love hearing from her. To know that I'm still one of those thoughts in her messed up head feels nice. It's nice to know I haven't been completely forgotten. They wanted us out. We'll give them their wish. Enjoy life without us, when it gets bad and they need us the most. We won't be there. We'll be loving life without them.