I WANT TO VENT LIKE I NEVER VENTED BEFORE

[VeryShyGuy]

I have decided roughly at the time when I joined this forum that nothing I say is too personal. I am gradually becoming less ashamed at all my issues and I find posting them on this forum it is able to help me.

 

From a young age I wonder to myself when would the first time I fall in love? Having not many friends and not very outgoing, it felt like I would never fall in love. I want to feel love. I know that my family loves me but I just don't feel their love. My sister generally has a certain disrespect for me because of my lack of ambition, my lack of friends, my gullible and shy/naive personality...etc. My mother and father are overworked, extremely stressed and sometimes when I am at home with them it feels almost like I am channelling all their stress. My home is filled with stress. That is the main reason why I have never invited a friend home, I don't want these two worlds to clash.

 

I have been for a long time trying to be less dependant on my parents and grow out of my naive/shy personality, so I could help my family and more importantly help myself. I am tired of living my entire life in my parent's shadow, and I want a fresh start to my life.

 

I simply REFUSE to ever let depression dominate me. It is usually when I reach this depressed state is when I replace my depression with self-frustration and self-anger. I don't know why I do that, maybe sub-consciously I feel that I could be more constructive with myself using self-anger instead of depression.

 

Lately, I have met this girl and been strongly attracted to her. I am attracted to her personality, her intelligence and her looks. What began as infatuation has now turned into unrequited love. To love someone whole-heartedly and have that same love reciprocated back to you, that must be a wonderful feeling. Like all friendships at the beginning, it is fragile, and I try to hold onto this fragile friendship with her.

 

Sometimes when I am in a depressed mood, I think of trying to fall out of "unrequited love". Falling out of love with her would probably be the most difficult thing I do in my life. She doesn't look like she is interested in having a boyfriend at this time, but she does have a few guy friends that she has a strong friendship with, stronger then my friendship with her. Everytime she is with one of these friends, I seems a little left out. They would have a good conversation while I sit there with nothing to say (I am not a very good talker, don't really have many interesting things to say). Sometimes when we go somewhere (i.e. me, her and her friends), they would be walking with her, and I a couple steps behind them.

 

She always seems so happy to see her friends and she would have such a beautiful smile when she smiles at them, however even though I am a friend she seems to only half-heartedly smile at me. I really love her smile. On the rare occasion I say something interesting or funny and I receive a genuine smile from her is when I love her the most. Maybe she suspects that I like her (but she probably doesn't know how much I like her) and thus not allowing our friendship to grow.

 

She has no problems with making friends, while I just cringe at the thought of meeting new people. This problem with meeting new people is my greatest flaw and is the main reason why I never had a job before.

 

Despite all this, she seems to be a positive influence on me. When I first met her, I felt like my will to improve myself has been rekindled. I am taking my studies much more seriously then before, I have lost some weight, I gave up foolish addictive hobbies like computer games, I find myself more confident, making more friends, being less concerned about my own problems and finding myself generally happier and more hopeful for my own future.

 

So much weighs on what I say or don't say to her. I say something like admit my feelings to her would easily shatter my friendship with her forever and take away most confidence and will to improve myself. If I don't say anything, this fragile friendship will slowly dissolve.

 

Sometimes if she looks like she is having trouble with a subject that I haven't done yet I would tell her that I wish I could help her (she would usually reply "its ok don't worry about it"). She is ahead of me in terms of subjects, and she knows this. I would tell her that I wish I could graduate from uni in the same year she would graduate. Saying things like this, she probably knows definitely by now that I like her.

 

Maybe I am trying too hard.

 

Just from not seeing her for half a week and I find myself greatly fearing rejection, how would it feel like if its at least 3 months after this semester is finished? What would it be like after she graduates and I (most likely) never see her again?

 

She has small, beautiful hands, I wish I could hold them, but I have been programmed (by my parents) from a young age never to touch anyone as it might offend them.

 

I would often dream of her (nothing erotic). Two common recurring dreams are:

1.Sometimes I dream of taking a bullet for her, as a sign that I love her more then my own life. I would survive and as I lie there, she would "why did you do that?". I tell her: "this pain I feel is nothing compared to the pain I would feel seeing you lie dead on this floor". This dream somewhat depresses me. I have this dream because I am getting frustrated at unrequited love.

2. This dream is my favorite dream. I would dream that we were back in high school (she doesn't really go to the same high school as me). Being shy, people would mock me, bully me, take advantage of me and I would endure it all. She would see past my shyness and of all people would pity me and secretly like me also. She would wait for a sign from me. In music class as part of an exam everyone is required to sing in front of the class. When it is my turn I sing and sing well. She would hear me and instantly know I like her too. Everyone who ever mocked me, bullied me or took advantage of me will see me under a new light and have a newfound respect for me. From then on from the sporting field to the classroom, I would excel in every way and everybody that knew me would think to themselves why this shy guy held back so much.

 

I like this second dream alot, I dream this almost every night. Its not that I really want to be a singer, its just that in music there always seems a line that perfectly captures how I feel at that very moment. For example, the line that I can relate to the most is: "Lord I am doing all I can, To be a better man" ("Better Man" by Robbie Williams). I sometimes sing this song quietly to myself, but I always get emotional when I get up to this one line and stop singing. Another line I relate to is: " 'Cause I got too much life, running through my veins, going to waste" ("Feel" by Robbie Williams).

 

I like to feel that I always am capable to do more then I am now. I like to believe that all my failures and regrets in the past would one day be insignificant in comparison to my ambitions, my dreams and achievements. I like to believe that one day I would be able to cast down the barriers that hold me from improving myself. There is many issues that weigh my mind (like I said before) and these issues are the very barriers I wish to cast down one day.

 

When I was a child, I am always wanting something, but unable to get it. Now, looking back I find all those little wants are silly material things. My wants now are of a different sort:

 

I wish for solid worthwhile goals, goals that I could pursue tenanciously, no matter now long it takes.

 

I wish for a strong will, to be able to pursue this goals, even if it costs my own life.

 

I want to be emotionally and physically strong.

 

I want to laugh away all my problems and all my failures in the past.

 

I want to feel free.

 

I want to love someone and feel love in return.

 

I want to earn the respect from my friends and family.

 

I want to be able to have my own family one day.

 

I want a stable career.

 

I want a nice home to live in.

 

I want to feel truly happy and I want everyone I care about to feel truly happy also.

 

I wish my parents were proud of me (in all my life they have never told me they were proud of me).

 

I wish I could earn the respect of my sister, my parents and my friends.

 

I want to be able to die one day (at an old age, hopefully at least 70) and look back at my life and see that I have lived my life to the fullest.

 

I wish my life wasn't such a vicious struggle to achieve my happiness and achieve these goals.

___________________________________________________________

 

I have been venting very much on this forum about me wanting to improve myself. I don't want my words on this forum to become hypocritical. I want to believe that by putting my most inner most thoughts on this forum I am banishing all my problems from my mind. Of course, this isn't so.

 

Despite all this, I feel myself slowly changing. Reading back on my threads a I have written a month ago, a week ago or even yesterday, I can't help but almost smile at myself. I am becoming less concerned about my problems, and almost feel proud that I am even able express my feelings like this. By being able to smile at my thoughts I feel that I am one step closer to being able to laugh at myself and at my problems. But not yet, not yet, my problems still run too deeply inside me.

 

P.S. Just an afterthought: From what you have read in this thread, do I sound naive?

Do my dreams sound silly?

Hypothetically, if you are this girl (and a friend of mine), how would you feel about me after reading this?

Sorry that this post is kinda long, but these are my thoughts at this very moment.

 

I would be kinda sad if no one responds to this.

[Just A Teen]

Hey,

Well man your problems sound like a lot of other peoples problems.... your shy, need acceptance and love, and you need respect and a good life... Well dude about your parents there are just something parents ever won't know... Since your such a Robin Williams fan look at "dead poets society" when Niel, commits suicide because his father not accepting what he wants. My dad hates a lot of the stuff i do ( rap, bmx bike, girls etc.. ) ... As you get older and older your parents will find out more and more how your life was and they generaly will become further away from you, and you'll soon be asking if your allowed to use the bathroom if you know what i mean...

 

Or they can stay the same act like you never left and act like nothing ever happened wrong with you, and think what they gave was good enough for you... With your sister, just the whole brother sister hood thing, its not very likely that bro's and sis's hate eachother, but it still happens... I know me and my sister were constantly fighting with eachother until she moved out and got her own place... I don't know much you could do with that except just prove to her your not who she thinks you are... but if she can't approve on who you are then your sister isn't worth stressing over..

 

A lot of parents bring home stress... Thats the first thing my dad brings home just him coming home ( the thought of him coming ) brings stress to the whole family... Financial problems and everything all cause stress..... Well i don't really know how to explain how to make those kinda things better unless you learn how to take it... or you just splurt it out to your parents... I Mean im sure college is pretty stressing and having stressful parents would be pretty bad..

 

I would never bring a friend over with my parents because, how open they are with thins...And having them do something really stupid that i wouldn't like would just stress me out i think a whole bunch but.... I mean i only invite people when hes gone to work..

 

Now with the girl??? This is great!!! Okay become more open... Don't ask me how.. just do it..Listen its just like everything else.... You would never ever think about bunjee jumping ( example ) without thinking it over... but you know after you do it once it'll be a lot easier to acclomplish doing.. After you kissing a girl for the first time it brings off a lot of your stress and doing it the second time won't be as hard. Just have to look at is as whatever your shy just.... picture what your doing ( being shy and holding back ) as you on the high dive ( pretend ur scared of the highdive even if your not )... and what you wanna do is just jump into the water to prove it.... but lets say you dont and you walk down the stairs ( pulling back your shyness and letting it over welm you... ) ... Ya so now your overpowered by your shy-side which is neive in its only way because your 20 years old.....Like by now you should have learned that its okay to take some risks and just jump out there....

 

Shy people are always the best kinda people because once you get to know them they are so much more intresting then a person that you meet that will tell you everything in a week because then there isn't anything that you dont know about them sorta ruins it you know... Her other relationships with other guys you just have to make your relationship better, prove that your a better man which there could be some extreame compition for this.... I wouldn't surprised... A lot of your wanting " holding hands, holding her, your dreams etc. " would be great ways to get her to recognize you a lot more and could make some killer poem's....

 

You being afriad to meet new people is not weird at all dude... You say you live in a house full of stress meeting new people yes maybe fun but can cause stress and everything..... But, look at it this way......you meet this girl didn't you?? what if you meet another girl just like her or better..... or not better just a friend you can openly talk to or a buddy or whatever.... You had to meet the people you are around sometime you know? Just don't be afraid you dont even have to worry it like that....Have a bunch of friends bring there friends and so on and so on.. your bound to meet a couple people who are intrested...

 

Your confidence in yourself after doing something so much is normal.. i know my confidence-selfed was a lot more after i had done certain things i was afraid to do ( dancing first time, kissing, dating period, etc... ) and it just makes things a lot greater... if you dont do anything you won't have a past...and remember what you do now or in the future will be your past...... And what you choose to do makes your life a good or bad past...

 

Your goals are a lot of other peoples goals a lot of them mine too.... And venting is always a good thing to do....oh yes and anger is something that you can easly much cure then depression..its a lot easier to waiste away you energy with anger but with depression you just sit and make things worst.......

 

Your Questions:

1: no you dont sound naive

2: ( girl ) that you were a person that i looked over and needed to obviously read you again

(friend) need to start hangin out with him more.

 

And i feel good to write as much and to read everything you had wrote...if you need more help email me or just post up in here..ill read reply's PM me if ya want..

[ForAnother]

Shyness is all you struggle from. As soon as that disappears a lot of what you are saying will be resolved through it. You just gotta fight through the fire. The way to get over it, is to do extravagent things that you would never do before. Something that helped me was smoke for my first time (yes I know its strange, and it might sound like I am a stoner but...). After smoking something came accross my head that taught me something. That risk taking is fun, and it brought my head to another place. Experimentation with one thing leads to experimenting with personality things. And experimenting with such things could help bring your shy problems out of its hole and take you into a whole new world.

 

ForAnother

[mahlina]

Hey,

 

Don't ever put yourself down okay? Just because your (re-edit) little sis thinks this or that about you, doesn't mean that she's right. Don't believe her when she calls you gullable and naiive, k?

 

Veryshyguy, I am so intrigued by your posts. You write so eloquently. Your writing is so well versed! I wish you didn't have to beat yourself up so much. Sounds like you have a tendency to internalize everyone else's problems, and make it your own (i.e. your parents.) Whatever it is, just know that you have a heck of a lot of potential. Pursue whatever it is that makes you happy. Only you can stop yourself from attaining your goals, and what you truly want in life.

 

I'd say, for now, talk to her a bit more. While you're hanging out in the group, don't walk behind her. Walk beside her. When she see's that you're able to step up to the plate, by eliminating that shyness, then maybe her impression of you will change. Maybe she might take interest in the relationship route. I'll tell you one thing's for sure. Even if women are career-oriented, that doesn't stop them from finding interest in men. So, who knows. You might luck out, and your dreams may come true. Maybe she'll see you more than a friend? I don't know. I'm just basing this on my intuition, and things that you mentioned so far. You have a good heart. I am sure that with your intellegence, you can do anything with your life, as long as you believe in yourself, and not let fear consume you.

 

Hang in there! -Mahlina

[VeryShyGuy]

Thank you for your replies, it is quite heartening to read your replies to my messages.

 

I am finding myself on this forum all the time, because I enjoy posting my thoughts and feelings here. I enjoy reading over my threads and "smile". I enjoy reading your replies and finding hope, courage, support and confidence.

 

I hope that the future brings me a good life, so I could read these same messages one day and still "smile" at myself, smile because I feel like I have matured and outgrown my concerns.

 

I am eternally grateful for the help I am getting from this forum, both from being able to express my feelings from my mind and for the help I am receiving. I am also eternally grateful to the girl I admire, for she is the one that unknowning and accidentally showed me this forum. I am particularly grateful to mahlina, as I said before, I respect your opinion. That is because you seem to have quite an insight.

 

As for my writing, I feel flattered that people would compliment me for it. Guess my writing is something I could pride myself in then .

 

P.S. I have a little sister (by 4 years), not an older one. Also, she doesn't call me gullible and naive, she just makes me feel that way. It is just that my shyness is balanced out with my sister's assertiveness. I somewhat find it annoying that she would argue with me to death about the most trivial matters. I might not be perfect, but it is not necessary for her to to attack my every flaw.

[boomer1619]

I tell you what VeryShyGuy, one of the things that I've noticed is your incredible talent for writing. I felt as if I was reading the first chapter of a novel, with one really deep character that has so many things that readers want to follow. So I want to ask you, have you ever considered a career in writing? You have an incredible talent for it. I would continue your friendship with your friend. I would also make sure you let her know that you really have gained so much from this site, and that you are eternally gratefull for it. I would also begin to make new friends. It will help you to get away from focusing on how she feels about you. You seem to really like her friendship, so you dont want to lose it. Idont think that you are at all, nor do I think that you are doing anything uncomfortable to her, but it will be good for you to meet new people. Go online and look for a way to search for a writers forum, post an ad that you are looking for some friends that enjoy writing, and that you would like to create a project together. You will have someone with a common goal, and a writer will understand the empotional struggles of a human being, and thereforeeee will never judge you, and it will ease your embarrassment. It can be someone to connect with. One friend= more friends. And trust me my friend, you would be surprised of the number of people who do not judge others because of thier insecurties. I bet your friend would be willing to connect and listen, just be sure that you dont do it to see how she feels about it, but that she understands that you need someone out there to know how you feel. I think that you would be a wonderful writer dude, and we need plenty of them. Keep in touch

[VeryShyGuy]

I tend to write well only when writing about a topic I know well and nobody knows me as well as I know myself. As for creative writing, I am not very creative. Poetry? I am no good at poetry, I used to be just ok at analysing poetry in high school though (forgot all about it by now).

 

No, I have never considered a career in writing. To suddenly change fields, in my mind is like giving up on the field I am in now. I don't want to make a habit of giving up. However as for writing on this forum, I am finding myself enjoy writing the more I do it. I am also finding myself more proud of my writing, I wish I could tell my friends about my writing here, but some of the stuff I write here is very personal.

 

For now, I have still many things to vent on this forum. Everyday, going to uni (45 min walk to train station plus 45 min train ride), I think about these issues that I post on this forum. It used to be that in this time I would read a book, or simply daydream. But now I finding that in this time I am thinking about myself and about my own life. Finding myself feeling emotional while thinking to myself, I also feel that I have to put my thoughts somewhere (i.e. on this forum). That is the reason why that I am venting almost everyday.