Why do they go back to there ex

[pnoy]

I found out my ex has gone back to his ex before me he was with her for 8 yrs on and off she CHEATED AND LIES to him when he met me he said i was a breath of fresh air someone he could trust we both had the same values that we would never cheat

 

He said he hated her for what she put him through, his family hated her he swore on his kids lives he would never take her back, i just dont get it why would you take someone back who cheated and lied that trust would never be there for me i think i would always wonder what if it happens again! she is 17 yrs younger than him he is 47 she is 30 there relationship was volitile at times i just dont get it

[pippy longstocking]

hiya darling

 

I know what you mean ....the stupid thing is ..some of us on here want to BE that ex they they come back too and we rarely hear the stories of when exes go back ...

 

I have also witnessed this in friends ..they call them to hell , then go back ..is it cos they need something ..need someone .... want that attention ..or have they forgot the pain ..I just dont know ..

[IAmFCA]

Maybe in his mind he didn't go back to her, rather just wants sex?

[leftme]

So true about people wanting that on this forum, ex's really can't win.

[pnoy]

thanks for your replies it just baffles me why would you go back with someone were all TRUST is gone

[Cadence44]

I think there are two reasons he'd return to an ex who hurt him:

 

- He's addicted to the drama of their relationship. The lows of being treated poorly make him mistake the euphoria of when he's being treated well for "true love".

 

- He's got something to prove to himself because he failed to see that her cheating was about flaws in her character. It wasn't about him, but he doesn't truly accept that. So he may be in search of an ego boost that he'll only get if she doesn't cheat on him this time around.

 

People like him can say that they want a good partner who will treat them well, but because of the stage they are at in their ability to form true bonds with other people, they also aren't attracted to someone who treats them well. The consider the lack of the roller-coaster emotions to mean that the degree of love isn't there that they had with their previous train wreck relationships.

 

Let this man go. What he told you was lip service, though even he didn't know it. Now you know he actually likes being treated poorly, and because you are someone with integrity who treats her partners with respect, he is not a good match for you. Find a man who knows what he wants and who won't accept poor treatment from a partner to treat well. That type of man will appreciate it and understand that a roller-coaster relationship is a bad thing.

[pnoy]

Thank you candence44, this makes sense aswell as being addicted to the drama of their relationship he is addicted to cocaine and she takes ot too, at the end of the day its his loss he lost a good person in me

[Lambert]

I think they back to exes because people resist change. It is so much easier to go back to the comfort of that old shoe. The new shoe might be better in the long run, but first we have to break it in which for some is too hard.

[IAmFCA]

if they both do coke then they may be glad to experience that intensity together and each to be with another who uses drugs. addictive personality; we are looking for logic where there is none.

[lowkeystatus]

My ex went back to the girl he dated before me. I too was absolutely baffled when I heard this as he had referred to her as "crazy" and "immature" and basically said they just had a fling out of boredom. The other interesting part is that there is a big age difference between my ex and I (13 years) and he always said he was so happy to be with a real woman, someone who is mature and has their life together as I do. Well, his ex is still in high school. There is really no point in trying to figure out why they made the decisions they made.

[Brittanyxox90]

You know what I feel sometimes this happens because it becomes familiar territory. Whatever problems he's had with you, he thinks of the ex before you. He has ultimately put her on a pedestal, perhaps selectively forgetting that she had cheated/lied. At any rate, he is not worth your time or energy. Focus on yourself, get it together and move on. At the end of it, you'll be the wiser for not having moved on so quickly to another relationship (especially one that was bad from the beginning.) Good luck.

[pnoy]

Thank you Brittanyxox90, he isnt worth my time or energy i just want to be over him its been 9 mnths since he broke up with me we were together 3 and half yrs and engaged just still hurts so much

[browneyedgirl36]

I think they back to exes because people resist change. It is so much easier to go back to the comfort of that old shoe. The new shoe might be better in the long run, but first we have to break it in which for some is too hard.

 

I agree. My ex went back to a dysfunctional relationship with his previous ex at least three times (that I know of -- I suspect he is seeing her again); it was truly awful, his devastation was worse each time she left him, and yet...there he was, giving her chance after chance. He tried with me, but he couldn't make it work; she was always on his mind. For awhile, it gave me a complex: I thought she must be some superior human being with supermodel looks, exceptional intelligence, the best personality in the history of mankind, some sort of saint, and I wondered what was "wrong" with me that he couldn't see that I was loving, stable, no drama, and that I genuinely LOVED him. In fact, she's not any of those things -- she's just a regular person like the rest of us. She's not superhuman, and she's not any more special than me or any other woman. They have a history, and it's painful, and my ex is drawn to pain. He has issues stemming from childhood that he still hasn't gotten past, even in his mid 50's, and pretty much ALL of his relationships have suffered because of it. And, his future relationships, if he has them, will suffer because of his relationship with this ex, as did his relationship with me.

 

As humans, I think we really DO resist change. I would say that, to some degree, it's innate. But...there are times we realize we have no choice in order to be able to live our lives fully and move forward rather than staying stuck or going backward, and many of us DO rise to that challenge because the will to move forward with life is much stronger than the pain, the fear, etc. that will keep us stuck if we allow them to.

 

Often, I read posts on here and marvel at how many posters who have been broken up with want their exes back, despite the fact that the relationship had severe, insurmountable incompatibilities, abuse, infidelity, etc., mistreatment. In my case, I wasn't abused or cheated on, but there were serious incompatibilities, for sure. I realized that for me, it's about working out my "old stuff" -- old rejection issues that I hadn't gotten past. I thought if I could just hang on, just make it work with him, that I could "fix" those issues -- prove to myself that I am lovable, worthy of being loved, NOT rejected. That if I could get him to love me, I would finally be "good enough." It took me far too long to realize what I was doing, but now that I do, I can see how NOT good for me he was, and I want to move forward, hopefully in a new relationship someday, with someone who really can love me and isn't stuck in the past.

 

Change is hard, and the familiar, even if it is toxic, is comforting in some way. Letting go is scary -- we fear what will happen if we do -- but it is also one of the best things we can do for ourselves.

[pnoy]

What gets me is he hated her swore never ever to go back to her, never been happier being with me but there were problems in our relationship, i didnt see it then but do now but fixable ones, he use to say its so lovely being with you( me) knowing i can trust you 100% he would say being with his ex he couldnt rest if she was out with friends wondering what she was up to

 

How or why would anyone want to go back to someone if your life was full if anxieties wondering if there out cheating and always questioning them it baffles me my ex before this one cheated on me we were together 18yrs he tried to come back to me two yrs ago and no way would i ever go there again

[maron]

My ex went back to the girl he dated before me. I too was absolutely baffled when I heard this as he had referred to her as "crazy" and "immature" and basically said they just had a fling out of boredom. The other interesting part is that there is a big age difference between my ex and I (13 years) and he always said he was so happy to be with a real woman, someone who is mature and has their life together as I do. Well, his ex is still in high school. There is really no point in trying to figure out why they made the decisions they made.

 

here's a thought a friend shared with me. she was mostly ok with the break up w/ her boyfriend, but she definitely freaked when he told her he was dating a girl in her early 20's (she and ex are in early 30's): "i freaked out, you know? i was crying, wondering what was wrong with me but after i went through my stupid phase, i realized it made sense. it made sense that he's dating her because that's where his mindset is and that's what he's attracted to." they stopped talking shortly soon after and she's dating someone new, a man with his stuff together, so to speak.