How can I make her trust me?

[_Ramirez_]

Well I think I migth have a problem that I'm not able to solve and I would like some insight from this board.

 

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years now. We have 2 daughters, 1 who's not from me and who's 9 years old and one who's from me and is 2 1/2 years old.

 

I believe I'm a good father, I believe I'm a good boyfriend and overall I believe I'm a very good guy. I'm home every night, I never slept away from home, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I take care of half the chores in the house, I do everything possible to keep the flame alive and the communication in my relationship and I take care of myself so she don't fall out of love from me because I became ugly. I pay 3/4 of everything because she goes to the university to become an accountant and I try to be very suppportive to her because she's been depressive for last 2 1/2 years. I even adopted her daughter just like as if I was her real father. I don't see myself as the perfect guy but I'm sure I'm not far because I do the best I can to be the best I can.

 

My girlfriend have been in a really damaging relationship in her past with a manipulative/abusive boyfriend. He cheated on her and made so much damage to her self-confidence and her self-esteem that its going to take her years to recover. I understand where she come from and I understand where all her problem comes from because in a way I'm also her psychanalist even if she follows therapy.

 

My problem is that she can't trust me... on anything... and that bugs me a lot lately. At first I was very patient and comprehensive. I knew what boat I was sailing and I took the contract. But now I see the day where I'll get tired of her and her behaviors. Its been five years and the only progress I saw so far is that she's better at hiding her jealousy and possessiveness (sp?) because she's afraid to anger me. We talked a lot about it, she's working on it but she can't help herself. Its her comments, her way to say things, her ways to question me about everything and everyone and her way to bite down every comment she might have on every situation involving someone else in my life. I don't talk to girls when she's with me and also when she's not. I don't have girlfriends or girl acquintance period. I don't look at other womens if we walk in the streets so I don't have her fuming at me because a woman crossed my path and I looked at her 1/2 a second... She need to call me at least 4 times a day to make sure where I am, she needs to know when I get out of the office to make sure I'm home in the time it normally take me to get there and when I'm there she call me to check if I'm home if she's not. She check my e-mails at least once a day to make sure I don't receive correspondance from anyone she doesn't know (yes I gave her my password to make her feel more confident), she check my computer history to see what internet web site I'm looking at... and there's more to it I won't say here... and I'm getting tired of it.

 

Someone please tell me what I can do to make her trust me because I'm out of ideas and I'm getting out of patience. Talking did nothing, being irreprochable for 5 full years didn't work either. I don't want to get mad at her and start pinning her down on everything she does whe I see it and demand her to stop because she takes it very badly when I get angry with her and it takes her time to recover from anything that happen between us.

 

I know my girl have a lot of issues but I love her and don't want to fall out of love from her. Comments saying I should dump her right away are not welcome...

[antzca2000]

She may not be acting this way just cause of an ex, if its been five years thats a sure-fire sign that its naturally in her. It'll be hard to change, but instead of her calling you, next time call her like every hour on the hour, it may seem annoying but it makes her trust more.

[_Ramirez_]

I can almost say when she will call me everyday. If I haven't called her by 10:00 I'll get a call 5 to 15 min. after it, then its the 12:00 call, then its the 14:00 call, then its the 15:30 call, then its the 17:00 call.

 

She send me 1 e-mail as soon as get to work and wait for the reply. If I fail to reply by 9:00 I get a call.

 

Sometimes I answer at the 12:00 call only and then I got the questions, you weren't at your desk? you didn't took you e-mails? etc.

 

Calling her that often is out of the question of course as I have work to do

 

I understand your point about having this natural with her... I didn't really think of it that way. In a sense it make it worse because I won't be able to change her. I will have to brake her habit the hard way and I'm not sure how she will take it.

[dreamweaverdude]

_Ramirez_

 

I read your post and see a lot of me in you. I'm 45 and have been married over 20 + years to a woman who never trusted me due to a prior relationship. Her 1st husband ran around on her and i'm assummed to be the same no matter what. I've not, never would.

 

But i'll say this after 20 years the trust issue is really no better than it was 20 years ago, not really. Not when you truly analyze her actions, she wants to know where I am at all times, to the point that it had at times jepordized my job. If i talk to other woman even for business purposes she fumes, and if i were to talk to one personally oh the heavens would open up and take me away i'm sure.

 

It's not that i have any suggestions for you _Ramirez_, other than be patient and hope her counseling helps. Truthfully I dont think some people can trust others after they have been hurt so. for whatever reason. My wife trust NO ONE, and in her eye everyone in the world is aout to get her.... it's been tough because that makes it hard to socialize, build friends, and everything that goes into making a relationship blossum. Good luck dude... I truly feel for you. You can't change the trust issues in your partner, only she can. ANd she must want to.. ANd trust take so long to build it's not something that is repaired quickly.

 

It is painful to watch someone be so untrusting when you've never done anything to deserve it and i like you knew the situation when i stepped into it, but we all think people will change. People really never change, they just put on new costumes. Let us know what happens.

[_Ramirez_]

Thanks dreamweaverdude, you're helping me more than you think.

 

I understand through your story that jealousy is not something one can heal in a day and that when its in someone we need to accept them as they are or leave them.

 

That choice is already taken for me and I'm staying. Maybe I'll try to tone this down to an acceptable level. I'm the dominant in my couple and she can't stay angry with me more than a couple hours.

 

I think that by expressing all this it gets clearer. I don't think I'll stop breathing anymore when another woman cross my path and I'll just let deal with her feelings. Sometimes a man must know when to let go of some things that poison his mind and his heart...

[OldGuy]

Ramirez,

 

Do you think she would got to counseling? This sounds like the kind of issue that can be worked out with professional help.

 

Good Luck.

[tiger_lilies]

That sounds like obsessive behaviour. And I thought I had trust issues!

 

Ramirez, I commend you for doing all that you have. Good for you! It's men like you that give me hope. It's true what the other posters say, this constant checking up on you has become "natural" to her and it will probably be hard for her the break the habit of calling you like that.

[_Ramirez_]

She does go to counselling every week for some time now, I know she talks about various things and her behavior in her relationship with me is something that come up from time to time.

 

I don't know if I should tell her to get over this problem with counselling, she have many issues to solve right now and jealousy is something that she know bother me but she's doing some effort to hide it at least.

 

I wasn't sure there was not something I could do to make her feel more confident in me.

[OldGuy]

Reading your posts here, it already sounds like you are doing a lot. Not allowing yourself any women friends is a lot to give up. Calling all the time is a big effort.

 

And not looking at girls on the street is something I would not personally be able to do.

 

You could offer to go to the counselor with her if either of them think that would help.

 

But, really if she is in counseling and is putting an effort into it, just some more patience might be the answer. I know you have put up with it for five years already, but even with professional help, resolving these issues can take a lot of time. And if she has "many issues" you may be in for a long haul.

[_Ramirez_]

Well I look at myself and at my behavior around her and I can say she really trained me well at making her the center of my life. Some might call this being manipulative...

 

I never talk about any other women, I don't put up comments on actresses or female role models. I try to look away from anything that remotely look like a women. Having a female friend is so out of the question that my female co-workers really think I'm a cold and distant type of guy. I don't go out with my co-workers just because I don't want her to think that anything might happen and that by accident I could have some fun with another girl. I always have to explain my whereabouts, I always have to check what I'm going to say by fear the content of what I'm saying might lead her to think something that's not happening.

 

Man, I believe this is getting on me and I'm slowly losing the patience I had for this. I want to be able to do stuff and to talk to people without fearing hurting my girlfriend. I don't want to hit on girls I just want to have the permission to smile to them or joke with them if I feel the need to. As it is I control myself just like if she was on my back watching me.

 

I think the best way to handle this now is to withdraw slowly but surely and make my everyday life a little less open to her.

 

I changed my email password this morning and I'm waiting for her call asking me why I did this Wow hehe I even think I might enjoy this because I can't see her really angry at me if I don't want her to be.

 

I think the next step will be not answering the phone except for the 12:00 call and then I will call her when I get out of the office in the evening and sometimes I will just forget to do it

 

Wow hehe I even think I might enjoy this because I can't see her really angry at me if I don't want her to be. Wish me luck.

[_Ramirez_]

hahaha, she knows about this web site and she knows my handle.

She read all the message I posted on here and now she saw this one and she just couldn't hold it back.

 

I'm afraid I will have to stop posting on this board.

 

hehe, some talking will be done tonight and I'm not sure I'm going to lose

[OldGuy]

Well, its your life, but this does not sound like the wisest course to me.

 

Be careful.

[arwen]

Well, then I am sure that she will keep on reading here... so maybe I give advise that's good for the both of you.

 

For a man, it's one of the worst things if his beloved doesn't trust him. It makes you defensive all the time, and it surely kills the romance. It is clear that you love each other. The feelings she has for you remind her of the feelings she once had for someone that hurt her badly. It's sort of a Pavlov-reaction to behave like this.

 

I guess that when she found out about the cheating of her ex, she drove herself nuts about what SHE did wrong and how could she have missed the signs. Now she feels the same about a person, but she needs to protect herself. You know that, and you can't help it even if you are the most trustworthy person in the world.

 

She needs to resolve this issue by herself. I recognise this, my ex hurt me too. He didn't cheat and I have trust in my current bf, but I am so insecure. I am in therapy and it helps. She needs to rewin her confidence. Now she needs you to tell her she is worth it, that you won't cheat on her, etc. She will be much stronger if she feels good about herself. She will be able to let go of the fear, and let go of you. (not in the breaking up sense, but in the 'giving space to breath' sense).

 

I hope she reads this. I hope you do too. I understand the both of you. You can work it out. If she needs you to go into counselling with her, please do so. Show her you want to cooperate in this. It means that you think she's worth the fight, which I am sure you think...

 

good luck to the both of you!!!

 

Ilse.

[_Ramirez_]

Thank you for your kind words Ilse, I see the wisdom behind them.

 

Well we did work it out, like we always do. It will work for a time then it will come back. Then we will work it out again 8).

All in all, it was an happy halloween day

 

What comes out of this is that jealousy comes from the fear of being hurt, plain and simple. Its not about wanting to have the control over the other one feelings or over his life, its about fearing to have a broken heart again.

 

Jealousy is a slow poison that can kill any relationship, you need to be strong to get over it. I think I've just learned that trust is a matter of faith. You will never know if the other one will not cheat on you or if the other one will make you suffer, its up to you to believe that everything will be alright and that no matter what happen, even if you do get hurt in the end, you will have lived happy moments that you can cherish the rest of your life.

 

I prefer to live a life believing something false and being heart broken in the end instead of living a life of fear and suspicion trying to protect myself from something I can do nothing against...

 

Peace.

[OceanEyes]

hahaha, she knows about this web site and she knows my handle.

She read all the message I posted on here and now she saw this one and she just couldn't hold it back.

 

I'm afraid I will have to stop posting on this board.

 

Yeesh - is there anything you can do without her input? I do hope you realize that this behaviour is borderline obsessive and that it's not healthy for either of you. Do you really want to go through life having every little move you make scrutinized? Is there anything you can do without being snooped on or questioned about? Perhaps you should attend this therapy with her and voice some of your own concerns - I would need to if I were you!

 

I could be wrong here, but I don't think that your woman has enough things to do on her own. Some of her own friends and interests, my god - ANYTHING to distract her from analysing every little thing about your relationship. You seem light-hearted about it now, but I think it will drive you crazy after some years. Who wants to live on a leash that is attached to a choke collar?

[Luciana]

Yes, she is focusing too much on you.

I can feel her pain because I am in a relationship where I am the jealous one. I try not to show it too much though but I am always worried something will happen, that I need to have my eyes open. In the beginging of our 6 year relationship he still had things going on with his ex-wife and others that made me lose trust on him. In recent years I haven't had to worry, but trust needs time to be built.

 

Do you tell her you love her often? Are you really her friend, defending her when she needs support? Do you tell her she's beautiful when she is dressed up or even when she wakes up? Men overtime stop doing this and the woman's self esteem goes down.

 

One way to make your partner less jealous is to use REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. To be even more jealous than her, reverting the roles. WHen she sees YOU asking her about her wherabouts, calling her all the time and showing jealousy when she talks to another man in a party, she will tend to act less jealous, because she will see how idioitic you seem.

 

Another thing, although I am sure you won't like this: I read in a relationship book that the best thing for avery jealous person is to get a lover; have an affair. That takes the focus off your partner and it lifts your self esteem. But that is tricky and risky terrain.

 

Anyway, I am a little like your partner, but not as bad (I try not to show it, and I don't call my BF unless it is very important). But I feel fear everytime he travels by himself, every time he socializes without me, everytime he has a woman working with him. I just try not to show it.

 

I am even worried when he travels in airplanes. Many years ago, when he was separated from his first wife, he met a girl in plane and they started flirting. He took her to his hotel and they had S. The proximity of 2 strangers sitting hours side by side worries me. I think I can trust him 80%, but not 100%. When there is opportunity and anonimity, some men will cheat, for their egos. I also don't like hotel bars; some men meet women in these places when they are away from home. Although I want to trust him, I know sometimes human beings get weak with temptation.

 

If you love this woman, have patience. The fact she is holding it inside more shows she is trying hard. Please understand this is painful for her. I know because I feel it too. I wish I wasn't jealous. But I am not jealous when I DON'T CARE FOR THE GUY AND DON'T FEAR LOSING HIM. There have been relationships where I wasn't jealous at all. But with the present guy I am and I suspect it is because he pulls, while I push. That is, I want the relationship more than he does. And that makes me feel insecure.

[_Ramirez_]

Reverse psychology. I like this idea.