Just kind of stuck

[Happybtconfuse]

So I am 24 yrs old I graduated high school when I was 20, had my first baby while I was still in school. Had 2 more baby's since and became a step mom to 2 other boys. I love being a mom but lately I've been feeling like I'm stuck here. My bf has his boys because of their incompetent mother who just left them with ppl for days and didn't even check up on them. My bf works all the time, he's gone 7am - 5 pm M-Sat, so I'm the one doing almost all the parenting, cooking, cleaning, organizing, getting them ready for school, everything. When I talk to my family and friends they ask me what I'm doing , like am I working , do I plan on going back to school? And truth is I really want to , I've worked and been independent since I was 16 , now I'm living with my bf doing nothing with myself. I feel useless , I've gain way more weight than I want and can't seem to find the energy to do the things I want. I have 5 kids 5 and under to take care of and I don't think I could do it anymore.

The other day my bf and I were driving around and he said it felt like he was driving with his ex before she left him. And truth is I have felt like leaving but not because I don't love him or "getting sick of him " but because I want a life too. We live in a small town outside of the city and I lived in the city my whole life , being here is making me feel trapped. If I leave I'll feel so guilty , who will take care of the lil boys ? My baby's will miss their daddy and I can't do that. So I guess I'm sacrificing my happiness for their happiness ...

[Angel Irulan]

Could you apply at social services and find out if they have any programs for moms who want to get back to work? Explain your situation! Unless you have a ton of cash they may be able to help you out. In my state there the is a program called VIEW. Get on the phone and ask. That can't hurt.

[luminousone]

Wow, you have a huge load on your shoulders!

 

Being a mom can be overwhelming, and with 5 kids under 5 - that is a lot of work!

 

That being said, it is very important for you to find time to take care of yourself. And then you also need to take time to nurture your relationship. I suspect you are not able to do either, and you are likely craving a conversation with an adult or some peace and quiet!

 

How to do that? I'll try to think of some ideas for you and hopefully others will chime in.

 

The first thing for you to remember is that very young children and babies require so much work and supervision that it can be overwhelming. But as they grow they become more and more able to help out and to do things for themselves, and that brings some relief to you. You still have to parent of course, but it is a different kind of parenting.

 

It's like a light at the end of a tunnel. When they are babies that light is teeny- like a pinpoint. As they grow older then the light gets bigger.

 

See if there is a play group at a local community center or church, where moms and kids can go play. They usually put a bunch of toys and mats out and the kids have at it. The moms usually get to know each other and support each other. I realize the logistics of getting 5 kids ready to get in the car is probably a monumental task, but I really think you are needing to get out and to get that support.

 

The other idea from the other poster for looking for programs that would support you is a fabulous idea! We have something called the "Relief Nursery" and it is a program that supports young families in parenting. They offer childcare, parenting classes, support groups, etc.

 

When my children were small I was able to work out at a gym that had short term child care, so I got an hour free for myself that way! And my kids loved it.

 

Just make sure the childcare is professional and safe for your kids. In my case they had regular childcare on site as well as the gym, so they just added the short term ones in with the regulars.

 

How much work is your bf doing when he gets home? Have a talk with him and let him know that you and he need to share the load equally when he is home, because otherwise you are on duty 24/7! And you deserve a night off regularly, as does he - so switch off duties.

 

Get to know other moms in your neighborhood and see if you can trade babysitting. Not sure how that would work with 5 kids, but maybe you'll need to drop a few off at one place and a few off at another. Or all of them with a brave soul ;-). And then you do the same for them.

 

That gives you and your bf a few hours out without kids.

 

It is crucial that you and your bf schedule a date night regularly. Find a way, because it is so important for you to rekindle your relationship and to have the time to reconnect on a regular basis. Do you have family members (like grandparents or aunties) that are able to watch the kids while you go out? Thank goodness for my in-laws!

 

Another option might be for you to investigate the cost of quality childcare so you can go back to school. If the two older boys were indeed taken away from their mom, then often the state will provide money for childcare to support them being in your home.

 

Think about what you might want to do in your life, find out what training or degrees it requires, and make some goals and timelines for yourself.

 

You can go to a vocational counselor that will do testing on you to see where your skills, strengths, passions, and abilities are. Then they will match them with available professions to guide you.

 

As far as leaving your relationship- it sounds more like you are overwhelmed and unhappy because of the huge parenting load. Leaving your relationship will only make it worse, because right now you have two to share the load. It's tough to do it on your own- there are times when all of your kids will have a stomach flu in the middle of the night, or extra hands are needed to watch them at the park, or someone needs to go to the store for diapers while the other stays home to watch them.

 

If you and your bf are having relationship problems then see if you can get to a family counselor to work things through, preferably one that has experience in blended families.

 

Kudos to you for parenting your step sons! They need lots of love like your own children do and they truly need you!!!

 

Read to your kids every chance you get.

 

Make sure each child gets a good cuddle with you each day.

 

Have family meals together each day and make sure that includes you!

 

Take a good parenting class (with your bf) so you have great skills for the different developmental stages they go through - one great class is "Parenting with Love and Logic". Check at your local community centers for the classes.

 

Keep in mind that your kids are all growing. Once they get into school you will get more time! So you just need to hang in there for the next 5 years!

 

And lastly come on here once in a while for a bit of relief and advice...

[hencluck]

I really feel for you, infact I am reduced to tears just because I really sympathise with you and how you feel so stuck, it sounds like you do your utmost best for everyone and yet there is noone to do their best for you and no time for you to fit in the things that you want to do. Kids are a blessing and bring all kinds of joy, but 5 all under 5 years old is very challenging and you deserve a lot of respect for how well you have done in carrying on. At the point of you breaking though, I really don't know how to advise but I really hope that you can work out a way to be happy and keep the love for your children special xxx