Career and Relationship: How do you balance both?

[faerietale]

Ok guys, it’s me again, and I got a new issue that came up. (Dun dun dun…)

 

My bf is a very hardworking business man. He travels a lot and recently came back from a trip to the Caribbean for 2 weeks. He’s going to leave again for Germany in the spring for 3 months. He has 3 jobs right now and he’s constantly being pulled in different directions.

When we first met, he was only dealing with his main job and had time for us. We would spend evenings and weekends together. Even though he worked long hours, he still had the weekends free for us. We would text and call constantly.

 

Now that he’s taking on two other projects, he’s as busy as ever. I’d stay at his place a few days a week because he’s closer to my school and work. I would be there alone because his work would constantly be asking for him. Sometimes he’d leave for work at 7 am, and then come home at midnight. We’d talk for a few minutes and then bedtime. We hardly communicate and the constant texting is now just a text or two throughout the day. When we make plans for the weekends, we’d have to reschedule because work would come up suddenly and he’d have to attend to it. Since he’s paid on a salary and his job is very demanding, he doesn’t have a fixed schedule and he can’t allocate time for work the way he’d want to.

 

I had a talk with him when he came back from his business trip to the Caribbean about his schedule and our lack of communication. The convo went well. He acknowledged my concerns and apologized for being neglectful. He said that I’m still an important priority, and he doesn’t mean to put me on the side, but when the job needs his attention, he has to attend to it. He’s trying to make more of an effort by coming home for dinner

I’m trying to be understanding, patient and supportive by being there for him, helping him out, and just doing my own thing to keep myself busy, too. I understand that he’s establishing his career and is working hard to build his future, therefore, he’s not doing anything wrong. However, at the end of the day, I miss my boyfriend. I want time with him and I feel like he’s slipping away.

 

I’m afraid that if I approach the situation and try to talk to him about it again, it would further frustrate or stress him out.

 

What should I do?

[HeatherB]

It doesn't sound like he's going to change his work schedule anytime soon. So what are you going to do if nothing changes?

[pl3asehelp]

Each person decided for themselves what's important to them and then spends their time according to those priorities. Sounds like you and your man have different values in this regard. He feels his time is best spent working and you feel it's more important to spend that time with a SO. I'd start by just telling him how you feel, but I wouldn't expect much. Usually people who place a high value on their career need to experience many losses as a result of that decision before they learn the true cost of their choice. They're laying on their deathbed without a spouse and estranged children and they finally think to themselves 'I wish I would have spent more time with my family and less time working'.

[faerietale]

HeatherB: I guess if this continues over a long period of time, I'd have to lay it out for me and make him come up with a plan for us, a schedule or a committment of some sort. It's still so early into the relationship and his career so I don't want to make it seem as if I'm already being demanding and needy.

[HeatherB]

HeatherB: I guess if this continues over a long period of time, I'd have to lay it out for me and make him come up with a plan for us, a schedule or a committment of some sort. It's still so early into the relationship and his career so I don't want to make it seem as if I'm already being demanding and needy.

 

You can't make him come up with a plan, schedule, or commitment. Seriously, you have very little leverage to get any of that. And don't waste time worrying about seeming to be demanding or needy. You have needs, and that's perfectly fine. He's not stupid. He knows you have them, just not what they are until you tell him.

 

Being demanding is not the same thing as stating your needs. Being demanding is trying to make him do something. Your strength is in just telling him what is true for you and offering a compelling vision for what the two of you could be together.

 

However, for this particular guy, a vision that includes him is going to have to include him working a lot for a while. Listen to his needs and decide whether you want to fulfill them, and determine whether he can realistically fulfill your needs without either of you becoming different people.

[faerietale]

Update: So when I wrote this, I felt very depressed and sad since he didn't text me the entire day and I felt neglected. I talked to my guy friend and he told me that there are certain things I cannot control. He said that right now, since my bf is at the critical beginning stage of his career, for me to flip out would be the worse thing to do. He advised me to let things unravel on their own for a few more days/weeks until it is appropriate to talk about it. He agreed that I have my needs, but he asked me to be selfless and patient if I want it to work. He said that guys are defined by their careers, so for my bf to work that hard on establishing himself is a must and I should not make him feel guilty for it. My guy friend told me to just bring things up to my bf but do it very casually so my bf understands that I have concerns and needs, but that I'm understanding and not demanding.

 

Anyways, after I had this talk, I calmed down and I stopped checking my phone. About a few hours later, my bf called. He said that he felt bad for not talking to me because he's been so busy all day. He was driving to meet with a client and wanted to talk to me. I casually said that I hope we would have time this weekend to spend together because work has been so hectic for him. He agreed and he said how much he appreciated the fact that I'm so understanding and how much I'm putting up with him.

 

After our conversation, it helped me understand more why I'm fighting so hard for him. Thank you for all of your advises. I think even though times will be hard here and there, I just need to focus on the goal at the end and that goal is for us to be together.

[mhowe]

You are at work and school. He is starting his career ---

 

There will be times of disconnect. He may have time -- and you have a project or final.

 

Listen to your guy friend. He gave you awesome advice.