Lucy3 Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 A guy I was seeing for 5 months has just ended things tonight. We spent the weekend together and I noticed that he was being cold, distant and no affection, I asked him last night if he was ok as he seemed distant, then tonight he text me and told me that as the weekend went on his feelings changed towards me, do you think they can change so suddenly? He even said he wasn't expecting himself to feel so differenly. I had actually suspected for a while that I didnt mean that much to him, he was cold and distant at the weekend and even before then i was constantly wondering if he actually liked me as he never made me feel like I meant much to him. I don't really know what to think or what to say really, I just want to vent on here and feel better Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 I'm sorry this happened -often 4-5 months is when people decide whether the relationship is going to move forward. What is troubling is that he wasn't willing to wait a bit to see whether he could figure out what behaviors he could change or suggest what behaviors you could modify to revive his feelings - I think it should be a combination of head and heart -especially after 5 months why walk away because of an inexplicable change of feelings without at least examining it further (but maybe he did and isn't telling you all that's going on). Again, sorry. Also holiday time triggers a lot of evaluation and reevaluation I think. Feel better ok? Link to comment
RGS Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 If you felt him being cold and distant I think that's alarm bells enough. Best to hold your head up and walk away. Find someone who's 100% into you. I know it's still rotten none the less. Just look at it like getting out of something sooner rather than later. He could have ended it later when you were in deeper so you dodged the bullet really. Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted November 27, 2012 Author Share Posted November 27, 2012 Thank you Batya33, Yes part of me wonders if there is something else involved/going on in all this and he isn't telling me, I guess it doesn't matter now anyway as it is over. Like I said the last 2 months or so I began to really wonder if he actually liked me that much as he never really showed me that he did. Perhaps his feeling changed before the weekend and this was the final straw that made him come to his decision? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 Yes- I should have focused more on that in your post - he probably was thinking things over but when the holidays were approaching decided he had to make a decision. Hope you feel much better soon. Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted November 27, 2012 Author Share Posted November 27, 2012 If you felt him being cold and distant I think that's alarm bells enough. Best to hold your head up and walk away. Find someone who's 100% into you. I know it's still rotten none the less. Just look at it like getting out of something sooner rather than later. He could have ended it later when you were in deeper so you dodged the bullet really. Thanks, you are so right, and this is just the kind of advice I would give to someone else who was in my shoes now. I agree that he is not worth bothering with if he's only half heartedly into it. The thing that gets me most is the fact that guys always seem to end things after 2/3/4/5 months, I never seem to be able to meet guys who want a relationship/serious commitment from me, I don't know what I am doing wrong?! Link to comment
appies Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 Thank you Batya33, Yes part of me wonders if there is something else involved/going on in all this and he isn't telling me, I guess it doesn't matter now anyway as it is over. Like I said the last 2 months or so I began to really wonder if he actually liked me that much as he never really showed me that he did. Perhaps his feeling changed before the weekend and this was the final straw that made him come to his decision? No point wondering what was going on, at least he was honest with his feelings, rather than waiting it out for an event to happen. Look at it as him doing you a favor. Link to comment
Gilson Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 Can feeling change that quickly. They certainly did with my ex, on a weekly basis. Always looked forward to the weekend, then by Sat evening she knew it was coming to an end and would start getting cold through Sunday. Long distrance relationship. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 I am sorry things did not work out. Two thoughts - along with the great advice you have gotten. One, give yourself permission to end it if you are not getting what you need. I feel like having the strength to walk away when your needs are not being met gives you a ton of confidence. Two, this is part of the reason I like to date (no sex) a couple of guys at a time. Avoid putting all my eggs in one basket. Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted November 27, 2012 Author Share Posted November 27, 2012 I am sorry things did not work out. Two thoughts - along with the great advice you have gotten. One, give yourself permission to end it if you are not getting what you need. I feel like having the strength to walk away when your needs are not being met gives you a ton of confidence. Two, this is part of the reason I like to date (no sex) a couple of guys at a time. Avoid putting all my eggs in one basket. Thank you, the first point you made is a problem I have always had- Even when I know things are not feeling right I have a fear of ending it because I dont want to have that 'what if' feeling, I always think i will wonder what would/could have happened if I didn't end it, I stupidly prefer it if they end it because in my head i think that I have done all that I could for the relationship and that it is their fault it ended and not mine. I have been guilty of this many times in the past- knowing it is heading off a cliff but still just ride it out until they end it. I need more self esteem and confidence to walk away when my needs are not being fulfilled, like you said. I think I shall give dating a looooong break now Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 oh lucy I am sorry ... your intuition has been niggling away for a while hasnt it , and it was right . and in many ways I am glad for you that he just hasnt dragged this on and on and on ...I know it doesnt stop your hurting , but he was just another stepping stone in life to get you closer to your rainbow. big hugs xxx Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted November 27, 2012 Author Share Posted November 27, 2012 oh lucy I am sorry ... your intuition has been niggling away for a while hasnt it , and it was right . and in many ways I am glad for you that he just hasnt dragged this on and on and on ...I know it doesnt stop your hurting , but he was just another stepping stone in life to get you closer to your rainbow. big hugs xxx Thank you Star Yeah it has been eating me up inside for sometime now- the not knowing whether he actually liked me that much, and now I have my answer. I am disappointed but know i deserve better. Much love star xxx Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 thankyou darling and you too xx yes you do deserve better , it isnt fun to have to constantly be wondering what the hell is going on .. god our intuition is amazing isn't it x Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Thank you, the first point you made is a problem I have always had- Even when I know things are not feeling right I have a fear of ending it because I dont want to have that 'what if' feeling, I always think i will wonder what would/could have happened if I didn't end it, I stupidly prefer it if they end it because in my head i think that I have done all that I could for the relationship and that it is their fault it ended and not mine. I have been guilty of this many times in the past- knowing it is heading off a cliff but still just ride it out until they end it. I need more self esteem and confidence to walk away when my needs are not being fulfilled, like you said. I think I shall give dating a looooong break now I can imagine that is very heartbreaking for you ... waiting for the guy to end it. I hope you start to realize that if a guy is not meeting your needs then he is not right for you. There is no "what if" but just freeing you for the man who really does love you. Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted November 28, 2012 Author Share Posted November 28, 2012 Anyone got any ideas with what I can reply with? Link to comment
jul-els Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 I would recommend telling him in your own words that you understand and wish him the best. Then walk away. The end. Link to comment
RGS Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Hey Lucy I think the key I have learned to dating is to not give them a hundred percent and not run around after them for absolutely everything. Maintain your own independence and hobbies and enjoy life independently even when in a relationship. By all means give, but never compromise your needs, always be leaning back slightly. If you are happy in yourself happiness will surround you. This avoids the regret of having given too much when it's over. it also means you will always be a strong independent person people want to be around. I've still a way to go with this myself but I did notice that my most recent break up was a lot easier because I hadn't lost me during the relationship so I was a lot easier to find when I came out if it. I know my ex has no end of respect for me for that. Ironically I am doing a lot better now than he is and he ended the relationship. Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted November 28, 2012 Author Share Posted November 28, 2012 Hi Rgs, thanks for your reply, i agree with you and this is what i do, when in a relationship i am always independent, going out with friends/having my own life etc. I think that is why I feel ok today about things. With this guy i never nagged, never demanded, did my own thing etc. I am not one of those high maintenance girls at all and always give them loads of space. Still, i can never understand why i cant get past about 5 months without a guy saying "you are such a great, amazing girl....but...!! Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted November 29, 2012 Author Share Posted November 29, 2012 what the hell?? i was out having somr drinks with a a friend tonight and he text me about 11.30pm saying that he is really sorry the way things worked out and that feelings cant be controlled, he then said if i ever needed to chat or needed a listening ear he would be there?!?! i was feeling fine and enjoying my night out until he sent that!! argh i am not going to reply!!! Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted November 29, 2012 Author Share Posted November 29, 2012 Am am not going to lie....it did upset me when he sent that, why would he do it at 11.30pm?? when i replied to his break up msg at 10.30am this morning!!! (am on uk time if anyone is wondering why my times are different to ENA times x) Link to comment
RGS Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 He's trying to relieve his guilt for breaking up with you and get reassurance. Dont give him any reassurance just ignore the message. Any continued contact just prolongs the pain. He'll soon get the message. Leave him to de with the consequences of his decision ALONE. Remember number one priority now = you. Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted November 29, 2012 Author Share Posted November 29, 2012 He's trying to relieve his guilt for breaking up with you and get reassurance. Dont give him any reassurance just ignore the message. Any continued contact just prolongs the pain. He'll soon get the message. Leave him to de with the consequences of his decision ALONE. Remember number one priority now = you. Yep i am definitely not texting him back. Done with it now. Thanks for your replies Link to comment
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