Random Update

[dumPI]

I see a lot of people blaming themselves for who they were in the end of the relationship. Don't overdo it. You can't be always confident, always happy, always funny, always positive, always whatever during your whole life. it's simply not human.

 

Sometimes the exes just wanted to try new things once novelty wore off. Believe them when they say "it's not you, it's me"

[markie6]

Most people think NC is counter intuitive and is a game. It's purely to protect you from doing further damage. Silence us deafening as most who secretly hope for contact will attest.

 

At least you didn't react and have asked for guidance this time. You have already been given the right advice so no real need for me to chime in.

 

NC is best chance every which way , getting them back and leaving them where they chose to go.

 

Hold firm

[zep]

Thanks, Zep. And so you're with Sharky in that as a female dumper, mystery and silence from the male dumpee can go a long way to MAYBE rebuilding some type of attraction that once existed?

 

Yes! Definitely. It's them moving on and not needing you that is attractive. Don't offer to do nice things for them. Save your niceness and helpfulness and effort (humor) for girlfriends only Polite but aloof is attractive. Nice and attentive is not.

[zep]

In all honesty, I wish they had relationships insurance. When your relationship falls apart, your ex is replaced with someone of equal or better quality in all ways immediately. Oh well. One can hope.

 

Don't respond man. There's no magic bullet to getting her back or showing her positive qualities. If you do respond, forget the wit part and just be confident and direct. "Thanks for the heads up. Take care." Leave it at that and go about your day.

 

This is a good response. I like the 'take care' part.

 

Edit: on second thought, this would be a good response if it was something more important, like I don't know... If you lived together and were dealing with moving out logistics. But the apple care plan? *** who cares. stupid text, doesnt merit a response

[eastonweston]

This is a good response. I like the 'take care' part.

 

Edit: on second thought, this would be a good response if it was something more important, like I don't know... If you lived together and were dealing with moving out logistics. But the apple care plan? *** who cares. stupid text, doesnt merit a response

 

Agreed. Thanks for thinking more on it, Zep. I've had time to think more on it as well, and it definitely doesn't warrant a response. Another breadcrumb after 4 months. These come every 3 or 4 days now.

[eastonweston]

Most people think NC is counter intuitive and is a game. It's purely to protect you from doing further damage. Silence us deafening as most who secretly hope for contact will attest.

 

At least you didn't react and have asked for guidance this time. You have already been given the right advice so no real need for me to chime in.

 

NC is best chance every which way , getting them back and leaving them where they chose to go.

 

Hold firm

 

Thanks so much, Markie. I was hoping you were going to weigh in

 

You're right, I took your advice from the Thursday email and decided to get opinions on here before replying. Glad I did.

[eastonweston]

HA. This is actually becoming comical.

 

Ignored her random text about Apple care.

 

Eight hours later, she texts me again, saying she saw a good cyber monday shopping sale on protein powder and sent me the link. What in the world.

[InkedDragon]

Don't get too excited.

[sharky988]

She'll probably increase contact waiting for a reply, then get upset that you're not replying and text you about why you aren't replying to her texts.

 

BE PREPARED.

 

Have your response already written in your head -- this is the only text you reply to. This is where you tell her you've decided that you need to stop contact so you can heal and move on. Wish her the best and thank her for understanding. Then the real NC begins..... you don't reply to anything from her after that, unless she's asking to get back together.

 

This is how I've always done it, anyway.

 

NC over the holiday season can be brutal..... good thing there's this community here for support!

[eastonweston]

The reason that NC is hard for me to digest (and I'm sure this is normal), is that my ex and I are civil; we've been in communication since the breakup, she's never gone more than 7 days without reaching out. There are things about me she'd like to see me change, reasons for the breakup.

 

One of the issues was of me acting like a certain piece of the male anatomy to her, which included ignoring her at times. So, I'm concerned that severing the tie, ignoring her messages, will make her either 1) say "yep, same old Easton" or 2) just shrug her shoulders and say "oh well, I guess that's over."

 

When I originally started reading about NC, it seemed at first to be a way for the dumpee to resist reaching out to the dumper. But I don't have that issue. I don't reach out to her. I haven't for months. She is reaching out to me, has been for a while.

 

People say "NC is for you to HEAL, to sit on your hands and not beg for them back in moments of weakness." That doesn't apply to me. I'm not a wreck when I see her. I see her every Sunday for church at a minimum, and we're polite and cordial. I saw her for Thanksgiving. We live half a block from each other in NYC. I don't really need to heal from pain; I'm just frustrated that we aren't together, and would like for that to happen. But I am not a wreck emotionally. At all.

 

So, it seems that the part I didn't understand was that sometimes NC really is to allow the other party to miss you, to have to settle in with their decision to end things, not having you as emotional support in their moments of sadness. Being there for the person who dumped you is like handing them a life vest as they're sinking, just enough to prop them up as they continue their search for someone else.

 

That discovery on here, from Sharky and Cope & Hope and Markie6, was very enlightening. I understand it now.

 

However - if the end goal is SOLELY to be back with this woman, and not to "heal" or "find myself" because I am past the former and down a great path on the latter, not contacting her after being broken up for 4 months is definitely, 100% the right move?

 

e.

[sharky988]

You DO need NC to heal, find yourself and move on.

 

Ask yourself: are you any closer to accepting this relationship is over than you were four months ago? Because I'm thinking you're still all in, and you're not really moving on -- emotionally, you're still her boyfriend.

 

You also need NC to stop yourself from sabotaging any chance at a reconciliation by remaining in her life as an emotional safety net and killing off whatever tiny shreds of attraction might still be left.

 

I think right now you are hoping to find a way to rationalize not staying with the NC. Remember -- this is YOUR life and YOUR choice. You should never substitute anyone else's judgment for your own.

 

But I think if you can stick it out for a while, you might start to feel differently about yourself and this relationship.

[eastonweston]

Sharky, I adore you. I love your advice. I'm not disagreeing.

 

But you must believe me that emotionally, I am not a mess. I miss her, sure. I want to be with her, yes. But I can view her now like just another girl that I have interest in. I promise you, fully, that I am not emotionally sobbing over this, and yes, I have accepted that we are not together. I have accepted that we're done. Her and I even had a conversation where we metaphorically closed the booked on us, and put it in the attic. She cried. That was about a month ago.

 

Please just understand that any advice you give me from here on out needs to be in the context of regaining her interest in me, not me getting over her. I really hope that's clear.

 

I love her, she loves me. We're not together right now. We may never be. I would like for us to be when the timing is right. That's where I'm at right now.

 

At this point, NC seems like a good option solely because of it allowing her to miss me. I know that EVERYONE says that NC is NOT to get the ex back. And I fully agree. But it's been nearly 5 mos. since the breakup, I've done tremendous healing and work on myself (literally, 17 weeks of counseling), have loads of new friends, a busy schedule of activities every night of the week. I am okay. I still, however, would like to marry this girl. It's hard to get accross tone in these forums, but when I say "I want to marry this girl" I am not saying it with a sad voice, or sobbing on the keyboard. I am level-headed. I would just like to know how to rekindle what we once had. If that means NC, then NC is what I'll do.

[Cope and Hope]

 

So, it seems that the part I didn't understand was that sometimes NC really is to allow the other party to miss you, to have to settle in with their decision to end things, not having you as emotional support in their moments of sadness. Being there for the person who dumped you is like handing them a life vest as they're sinking, just enough to prop them up as they continue their search for someone else.

 

That discovery on here, from Sharky and Cope & Hope and Markie6, was very enlightening. I understand it now.

 

However - if the end goal is SOLELY to be back with this woman, and not to "heal" or "find myself" because I am past the former and down a great path on the latter, not contacting her after being broken up for 4 months is definitely, 100% the right move?

 

e.

 

If you're still asking this question about whether it's the right move or not then you still don't quite understand it. But you're getting there.

 

Think about it this way. You've been at this trying to stay casual thing for 4 months now...how's that working out for you? From the sound of it you're still casual and strictly platonic. Is that what you want? No. Do you think that's going to change by repeatedly doing the same thing over and over again? No. You're frustrated by not being together but, is she? No. You aren't on an even field with her and you haven't been since the break up. You're supposed to be an equal partner in this relationship if not even a bit more of the dominant one since you're the male.

 

The point I've been trying to repeatedly make to you these past few months is that you need to rebuild attraction and that is definitely not happening while you're here for her at her whim and then being okay with not talking when she doesn't want to. A real man takes what he wants when he knows he wants it through working harder, taking risks, or whatever means necessary. Right now, you're not the strong, confident, attractive man that you need to be to win her back. You're not the alpha, not the leader of the pride, not the lion who's constantly on the prey for a bigger and better kill; at best right now, in her eyes, you're the familiar old teddy bear who she pines for when she's home sick from time to time. It's not what you want, it shouldn't be what you want, and you need to tear that teddy bear image of you out of her mind by fang and claw and become the Simba that every girl has dreamed of since she was little. And to do that, you need to go at it alone in the jungle for a while until you're ready to awe the world with your return.

[eastonweston]

HAHAHA.

 

Oh, Cope and Hope. Why are you so awesome. If you're ever in New York, I have got to buy you a few beers.

 

Okay, I get it. You're right. Especially on the point of a level-playing field. By me reacting to every text she sends me, but her responding to me at her leisure, all of the power is with her, and she knows that. That doesn't build attraction. You and I are on the same page.

 

You've been at this trying to stay casual thing for 4 months now...how's that working out for you?

 

 

My only hesitation with this line, is that she still does show care and love for me, we're slowly talking more and more then we ever have, so I feel a gradual progression forward. Perhaps it's all just platonic, you're right.

 

Originally she had said something about needing 6-8 months of being apart to assess. And she said "I don't know how to do this, if I am too close to you, you won't change, and if I'm too cold and distant, you'll give up and not change."

 

So I can't tell when the slow ramp up MAY start to reconciliation? I know, that's looking for signs of hope, which is the point of NC. But you can't get back with someone by going NC the entire time. At some point, the two of you will need to talk.

 

And the one point that I'm going to disagree with Sharky on is that I don't think a lot of people, after being broken up for more than 6+ months will one day come to you and say "Hi, I want you back, right now." I've never heard of that happening. It's always a slow progression leading up to that discussion. So how do we separate the false hope from the 'signals' of reconciliation?

[eastonweston]

This is the type of advice I'm looking for. Simply arguments for how NC will be used to raise my status in her eyes and regain attraction. I'm done with the advise on NC being a way for me to heal.

 

Thank you so much, Cope.

[Cope and Hope]

This is the type of advice I'm looking for. Simply arguments for how NC will be used to raise my status in her eyes and regain attraction. I'm done with the advise on NC being a way for me to heal.

 

Thank you so much, Cope.

 

Ha! You say that as if I hadn't pointed out the need to build attraction since day 1. Remember the she lost attraction for you and "everything else is fluff" post from a while back? But either way you're welcome E. I hope you can make it a point to see it through this time though.

 

Funny enough, I've been in NC with my ex since day 1 and am starting to receive unwanted updates about her life through her friends now and they ask if I'd consider getting back with her. That's another story though. And as for being awesome...it's a curse

 

Best of luck E.

 

PS - As for the "she still shows love and care post" question above -- Like I mentioned, she can love and care for you like a familiar teddy bear she's comfortable with but she won't want to have you on her arm at all times to show off to her friends. As I'm sure many dumpees know there's a type of "I love you but not in love with you" scenario at play in that situation.

[eastonweston]

Well I knew the need to build attraction! I'm not an idiot. I just wasn't convinced that not talking to her was the way to do it. Usually it's my personality and charm that gets women attracted So this just seemed way too counter-intuitive.

 

But I'm getting there, slowly.

 

You see how you said that you've been in NC with your ex since day 1 and NOW are starting to receive updates... does that mean that she never contacted you until now?

[Cope and Hope]

Yup, she's never contacted me period since the break up. Right now it's her friends contacting me. It's only been a little over 4 months and at this point I wouldn't even want to get back together because it's too soon and I have lots of work to do in furthering my career and whatnot. This is exactly how we got back together after our first break up though actually. About 4 months out she wasn't happy, her friends convinced me to see her, and one thing led to another led to reconciliation. Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss hahah I don't want to take over your thread here.

[eastonweston]

Well I'm curious, because it seems to me like a lot of dumpees do not hear from their exes for a while, and thus the NC to stop the dumpee from reaching out, and in hopes of inducing a contact from the dumper.

 

In my situation, she's been contacting me from day 1! So I just want to make sure that's understood, that her and I have been in communication regularly. I think you clearly understand that, just want to make sure other readers are also aware.

 

Real quickly: how long have you two been together, including the first break? How long were you broken up the first time?

[Cope and Hope]

Well I'm curious, because it seems to me like a lot of dumpees do not hear from their exes for a while, and thus the NC to stop the dumpee from reaching out, and in hopes of inducing a contact from the dumper.

 

In my situation, she's been contacting me from day 1! So I just want to make sure that's understood, that her and I have been in communication regularly. I think you clearly understand that, just want to make sure other readers are also aware.

 

Real quickly: how long have you two been together, including the first break? How long were you broken up the first time?

 

Together 9 months prior to the first break. First break was 2 weeks of me trying to convince her to get back together, not putting up with the rejection anymore so 3 1/2 months of NC, then about a month of dating again after getting back in contact before getting back together officially; 5 months apart total roughly. Back together for 2 1/2 years, so together a little over 3 years in total. This current break we are about 4 months out now again of strict NC since day 1.

[beatlesfan123]

Go NC for yourself mate this whole "ok ill assess how much I want you in 6 months" thing is pretty disrespectful, it's like she's expecting you to sit there and wait for her to bless you with her almighty love once again. Even if you go NC just to change the image she has of you if you stop obsessing and use the time constructively you'll find you genuinely won't want to wait around for her and you won't care what stage she's at. When she realises this shell panic and come running, making you king of the love jungle once again. Circle of life yo

[tjcalif]

This is totally off topic but your a good looking guy... What is wrong with her?? I could imagine this made you feel like crap her saying shes not attracted to you but you are not a unattractive guy. I just had to say something. I have been reading your threads and it just isnt true...

[eastonweston]

making you king of the love jungle once again. Circle of life yo

 

Best eNA line I've read

 

You're right man, I know it. My head knows what to do, but my damn heart won't cooperate. It's like, this girl can tell me to my face these rude things, and yet I still am nice to her and want her. Is that the 'love is blind' phrase I often hear?

 

I'm definitely hitting my boundary line now. I'm kind of just exhausted, truth be told. Just tired of it all. This shouldn't be so complicated. And no doubt I'm making it more complicated than it needs to be. I love her, I want to be with her. She doesn't want to be with me. Okay. Time to move on.

 

I'm getting there...

[eastonweston]

This is totally off topic but your a good looking guy... What is wrong with her?? I could imagine this made you feel like crap her saying shes not attracted to you but you are not a unattractive guy. I just had to say something. I have been reading your threads and it just isnt true...

 

Thank you

 

That's very nice of you to say. It definitely gave me a slight ego boost that's much needed right now, that's for sure.

 

It made me feel more than just crap when she's told me this (several times). It rips my heart out. This is a girl that I've spent 5 years with, inseparable from, every day. To be told that by her just ... kills.

 

Maybe she's meaning more of emotional attraction? I don't know. But either way, thank you.

[tjcalif]

Your welcome and you need an ego boost big time because even if it was emotionally you are trying!! What has she done to make the relationship or herself better? It seems to me that she is going to see that she messed up when you have finally had enough and move on. That is the reality of things.. I hope you see that she doesnt deserve you.

I just had a BU after six years I know it is hard but you will make it with or without her... I can guarentee the minuet she hears your not waiting around for her.. She will go nuts! I know believe me... Ignore her and see how fast she changes her tune lol.. Good luck