My Break Up & Healing (It may help you)

[leftme]

My Break Up & Healing: The mature way...

 

Ok, so this is how I approached my break up (at 22y.o) and I think it’s worth considering for those freshly introduced to it. I was with her for 4 years and she left me for another guy (although that wasn’t said at the time) “i love you, but i’m not in love with you” were her words...

 

So what did I do:

Day 1: During and at the end of the conversation I said, “If that’s how you feel, there’s nothing i can do to change your mind. I’m not going to wait around, but if you realise you’ve made a mistake, we’ll see where i’m at and discuss it” I also told her to collect her belongings while I was at work the following day.

 

Day 3: Was my birthday (boohoo)

 

Day 7: After complete silence between us, she contacted me to ask whether I was planning on moving out of our shared flat or not. I replied that I was considering my options (knowing I was planning on staying) and asked calmly (due to it now being very serious) “are you sure this is what you want?” but didn't ask any further or 'beg'.

 

Day 12: I contacted her to tell her to consider me staying in the flat and I would contact her to let her “know if/when anything changes” and arranged to collect my belongings while she was at work in a few days.

 

Day 14: I went to her parents house and collected my belongings (i’d lived there for 2 years so I had a lot of my stuff there) and left her a letter... It stated I recognised that we needed to break up, that we’d settled young, but i loved her from the bottom of my heart and was therefore happy to do so, i wanted her to be happy, with me or not, and good luck in the future.

 

Day 16: She contacted me at midnight, stating we should meet up the following week to talk. I said ok.

 

Day 40: (Yeah, the talk never materialised but I didn’t chase it) I received a text from her stating she’d like to talk, just about the flat and the car we shared. I replied to end the conversation, that the car would be returned tomorrow “and as I already said, I’ll let you know if/when anything changes with the flat, take care”.

 

Day 41: I returned the car, with her belongings she'd left at the flat in the car, and half a tank of petrol (not on purpose but I didn’t begrudge her it).

 

Day 70: I accidentally saw (it popped up) her profile picture had changed to her and the guy she was hanging around with before we broke up.

 

Day 100: I text her to ask her to send me a document, it was very blunt and to the point but friendly enough.

 

Day 102 (today): I just bumped into a close friend of hers... She told me the new guy is “minging” she thinks she’s lost it and told me that the new guy is moving to her town and has already asked her to move in with him. But she seems really happy.

 

How did I deal with that conversation? I brushed it off... I said, as I said to my ex, “I want her to be happy, it’s not all about looks, he seemed like a nice guy before we split up”. I admitted I was surprised he was moving to her town so quickly but didn’t make a big deal of it.

 

Her friend asked me if I’d looked at him on facebook... I said “no, why would I? It’s nothing to do with me.” She said: “for a laugh, he’s really ugly” which is when I reiterated, “it’s not about looks, if he makes her happy, that’s great, but there was a time i made her happy so i hope this one works out for her”.

 

Her reply: “You’re so mature about this! How?”

 

Well the answer is acceptance. That doesn’t mean it’s pain free... I do miss her, but I’ve accepted we’re over. I’ve accepted she’s found happiness. I do think it’s a bit mental, but at the same time, don’t we all look at people and think they’re crazy but it works out for them?

 

No contact works a treat. Contact? What would that have achieved, she’d fallen for him, I would have just made a fool of myself. This friend said she met with my ex soon after the break up and she had nothing but good things to say about me... haha. No wonder, I never did wrong by her! But then, we’re young, we’re foolish and we’re searching for what we want in life.

 

It’ll all work out in the end folks. Just grit your teeth and work through it.

 

I didn't use exact days towards the end (lost count, but the early numbers are dead on).

 

Note that through this break up:

I have made a vast amount of new friends.

I have taken up sports I'd given up on.

I have took part in a world record attempt.

I have dated 2 women.

I have become extremely confident.

I have become stronger.

[Mistykitty]

This is a great post

"I do miss her, but I’ve accepted we’re over. I’ve accepted she’s found happiness. I do think it’s a bit mental, but at the same time, don’t we all look at people and think they’re crazy but it works out for them?"

I really love that, I think I'm gonna write it down and hang it up in my room somewhere. Its so true

[rebellefleur]

Day 70: I accidentally saw (it popped up) her profile picture had changed to her and the guy she was hanging around with before we broke up.

 

How did you feel when you saw this? Did it set you back at all? How did you keep it from completely crippling you? Did you have a feeling something was happening before you saw the picture?

 

I'm asking because it reminds me so much of a situation i was sort of in. Towards the end of our relationship, the very end, my ex was going to a bar where some girl he had a crush on in high school worked and i had the worst feeling- i later found out when we broke up he took her on dates/was talking to her etc. then he came to me briefly, then left again and we were NC for a month and 1/2 and during that time he went back to her and did the whole flirting/talking to her constantly/telling her he wanted to hook up with her etc. and now i'm back to NC with him and planning to brush him out of my life, but he hasn't tried to talk to talk to me or anything and i fear he's back to her. I'm just so afraid i'll be moving on and see those two in a picture or find out they're talking, or even someone new and it'll set me back so far.

[leftme]

How did you feel when you saw this? Did it set you back at all? How did you keep it from completely crippling you? Did you have a feeling something was happening before you saw the picture?

 

When I saw this it hit home hard that we were over. I needed that though. I had already put 2 and 2 together about them and had accepted it, this just confirmed it to me and, if anything, the fact it was him made things better....

 

To stop it crippling you, you need to find happiness elsewhere in life. You need to see the benefits of breaking up. The opportunities that have opened up for you...

 

It confirmed to me I was right to be angry, I was right to question her and I was right to lose trust in her towards the end. You know your partner, you sense their emotional withdrawal and at the time you can't explain what's happening you just get angry but afterwards it gives some clarity.

 

Here's a thought, my ex's ex, who she kind of left for me (red flag? ha) would often tell her friends "losing her is the biggest mistake of my life" and my ex used to tell me and she laughed if anything. To her, "yeah, you did" was her feelings. I don't feel that way, she lost me, the best thing to happen to her, the guy who'd always have her back and wanted her to succeed beyond her own expectations...

 

There's winners and losers in a breakup (you don't celebrate winning) but you can either get your act together and really benefit or lug behind and be consumed by a lake of tears.

[sb8005]

There's winners and losers in a breakup (you don't celebrate winning) but you can either get your act together and really benefit or lug behind and be consumed by a lake of tears.

 

 

Exactly how I feel. Which is why NC is so easy for me. I REFUSE to lose in a break up. I have too much pride. It is very very difficult. There are dark times. But the memories fade, and the sun rises again. Its the way of the world, cruel and unfair as it may seem at times.

[newlife24]

That's exactly how I feel. He was nice to me for awhile but then his true colors shown through. And I'm happier without him. Wish him the best, but not with me. He didn't deserve me and I'm a better person because he left me. I never look back on a relationship. There's a good reason why it's broken, and I don't plan on fixing it anymore.