I lied about my virginity...

[Zanetka]

So... I met a guy a year ago and we reconnected a month ago... we live 2 hours apart so we haven't met in person for over a year but I'm going to visit him in 2 weeks for our first date... He is 22, I'm 20.

So we Skype often and he is very attractive, hardworking, romantic and I just recently found out hes a virgin..(very impressive to me considering he is extremely handsome and charming).... he is religious and believes in no sex til marriage. He asked me if I was a virgin too... and because I didn't want to scare him away I replied "Yes". (Plus I didn't have any time to think because we were talking over webcam)

I had a boyfriend for 3 years, and he was the only person I ever had sex with. I feel like my grandma would tell me that guys don't need to know everything and this can be my secret... whilst my best friend thinks I should tell him the truth.

What are you opinions?

I dont want to lose him... and Im 99% sure he may be my soulmate...

[PaintWithLight]

I think you are fine. You can always explain things after if it becomes serious. Just relax and see he it goes.

 

You might want to slow your mental train down a bit. A couple of key phrases really jumped out at me. 20 years old. One month on Skype. Not even a first date yet. 99% certain he is your soulmate. Pleaseeee slow down and let things unfold. If he s a stickler about wanting his girl to be a virgin, than the soulmate thing is out the window. Take it one step at a time.

[Zanetka]

Yeah I probably should have explained more, we used to talk everyday a year ago and then I stopped answering him because of the long distance because he was telling me he loved me... and I didnt want a long distance relationship at the time.

 

And about a month ago.. maybe alittle more, I realized I still had feelings for him and we are communicating again

[Capricorn3]

I have a rather odd question, but I'm curious. If you did happen to get seriously involved with him etc, how would you deal with the fact that he won't have sex until marriage? Seeing as you had a previous relationship of 3 years, wouldn't you miss the sex part of it?

[Zanetka]

I think I would be okay with it, I always wanted to wait until marriage myself but my ex was quite persistent and after 2 years of dating I gave in..

 

And, this new guy seems to be willing to do almost everything except full out sex.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

My personal pet peeve is people who claim the moral purity with regard to sex and being a virgin but then go on to do everything but vaginal penetration. That is totally missing the point about what keeping virginity is all about for religious reasons. It is about sexual innocence and saving the sexual gratification for marriage. It is not about getting naked with your partner, having oral sex etc, and then patting yourself on the back for not having given in to the temptation of the flesh because there was simply no vaginal penetration. So he sounds rather hypocritical if he is ready, willing and able to get naked with you and have all kinds of sexual encounters with you to achieve sexual pleasure and orgasm.

 

 

Does he know you had a previous relationship for three years? To tell him you were a virgin when you are not and had a boyfriend for 3 years is not a little white lie. It can damage your relationship down the road. You have a past with another man and if this guy is the jealous type and can't handle it, better he knows sooner rather than later. In the long run it will be better for you to find out now if he wants to continue the relationship in spite of you not being a virgin. Down the road when this inevitably comes out, don't count on his love for you to keep him around...it may, it may not...because not only will he have to contend with the idea that you were not a virgin, he will also be grappling with the fact that you knew how important it was to him and yet lied to him.

[datingnovice]

I agree with the final paragraph of crazyaboutdogs' post above. I would've just been honest from the get-go.

 

I firmly believe that honesty is a prerequisite to a functioning relationship.

 

Just be forthright moving forward and hope for the best. If it's meant to be, it will happen.

 

Best of luck.

[Zanetka]

Thank you for all your answers! In response to crazyaboutdogs, I have never thought of it that way! And I do agree that it seems hypocritical... sounds like something I should mention if we get more serious... just out of curiosity.

 

And yes, you are all right about being honest... I would like to know those things too... but he has never asked if Ive had a LT relationship... he is a very private person and I almost wish he would ask so I could tell him Ive had a bf before... but then again, Im scared to admit I lied....

[vix8]

First ask yourself this question: Are you going to be able to date someone for a long period of time and not have sex? If you've answered yes, then I think you should tell him simply because it is the right thing to do. It all depends on your morals really. You feel guilty, so you must have some good morals about this. Explain to him that you are very interested in him, and you panicked and lied about being a virgin. Then explain to him you have only ever had sex with one person in a serious relationship. I'm sure he knows that not everybody waits until marriage.

[Blue Dreamer]

Assuming what you said really was an accident on your part, when you talk to him, just explain like you did here. You did not want to scare him away, but you feel guilty and you want to be 100% honest. If he can't respect your honesty after you talk about it anymore if needed, then you learn something about him.

 

If he is expecting/wanting a virgin as his gf, which seems likely due to his strong beliefs, you need to let him know ASAP simply out of respect.

[loveology]

You need to tell him the truth as soon as possible. How would you feel if somebody lied to you about such a thing?

[Zanetka]

Okay, so it looks like the general consensus is that I should tell him.. (and obviously I feel really bad about saying Iam.. I just didnt know if he would automatically write me off or not)

So... now my question is: how/when do tell him?

We live 2 hrs away... so should I send him a long message explaining that I had a bf and etc... or should I wait til I meet him in person in 2 weeks?

 

I almost want to explain it over message because I can think about what to say ahead of time... and then he can make a decision about seeing me or not..

plus If I wait 2 weeks, I really dont wanna ruin our date....

But Im scared that If I tell him over message that I wont be able to see his reaction and answer all his questions... and he might just stop answering me ...

[Blue Dreamer]

If he is expecting you to be a virgin, you can't wait two weeks and I would not do it over email either as it should come from your mouth. If you can't meet up for a quick coffee or whatever in the next few days, write down what you want to say and then call him. If you email him, you will ultimately have to talk to him anyways. If he is that great of a guy you think he is, he will appreciate your honesty. Also, better for you to do it now as it will probably only get harder for you to be honest and he will find out eventually.

 

Even though it is wrong, in the normal course of dating, I would not necessarily be telling you to do this and maybe just wait to see how the first date goes, but with his religious beliefs, you can't be keeping him in the dark because of your own personal fears. Unfortunately, you made need to learn the hard way.

 

That said, he may totally not care at all!! Good luck and think about how even more exciting the anticipation will be for the date over the next two weeks with everything on the up and up!!!

[Zanetka]

Thank you all for your support and opinions!! I told him... and to my surprise, he was very understanding. He really appreciated the fact that I told him despite how scared I was and how personal it was of a subject. He told me his feelings have not changed and he still wants to meet up in 2 weeks It was a mentally torturous weekend but Im so glad I told him (thanks again for everyone's support!).. I feel so relieved... no more secrets!!