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to the dumpees out there.. bite the bullet?


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just curious.,

 

when you were dumped, did you actually tell the other person you were going into nc or did you just do it. i just sort of shut off after he dumped me. didn't talk about anything, just sort of disappeared. my ex told me to "call when you want to talk" and i tried once but it was so awkward.

 

anyhow, one of my girlfriends suggested i finally bite the bullet to set myself free completely. saying something along the lines of...

 

"Look, I love you. You've hurt me. I still love you but I also care about myself. So: if this was some sort of trial thing you wanted to put me through, then realize that enough is enough. I need to protect myself no matter how much it'll hurt: so how about you come straight out with it and define the situation. You can't let him get away with "figure it out yourself" attitude. If he's too chicken and doesn't have the balls, then make him admit that he's exactly that: a coward. Or else: maybe he's idiot enough to have aloud his "friends" to convince him "see if she really loves you, and how far she is willing to go".....which would be REALLY psychotic!"

 

this seems like a total ultimatum to me, but it might be the last thing i need to kick me into realizing he's not going to come back (he left in july to "experience other people" after 9 years- we met in H.S. btw. not sure if that's relevant or not. ) at this point, if he said yes i want to come back, i'm not sure how i'd react.

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I would wait a while until you feel stronger and attempt to talk again seeing as the last time was so awkward.

What do you want to say?

 

I wouldn't say what your friend told you to - it sounds bitter and horrible and he's basically not going to react well to you trying to force him into saying he's a coward. He'll get massively defensive and it will all get very nasty.

 

I think NC is for you to just disappear - you shouldn't 'tell him you're doing anything

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I would do whatever feels right. You are the only one that knows what is going to give you closure. I think that utlimately people are going to do what they want anyway. So if saying this to him will make you feel better, then do it. Some people can just forget about it and move on. Some of us cannot. Maybe it will be a wakeup call for you or him. Good Luck.

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I've learned to just keep any emotions in and take the high road, cause one day you'll back and be like 'why did I say that. it made me look like such a fool.' Don't call or contact him when you're still full of emotions and things might be awkward.

 

He's the one who did the breaking up, so why should you be the one coming after him. Allow him to realize what he's done on his own.

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You can't go demanding answers from your ex. This will immediately put them on the defensive. You can't go telling them that you love them either - this also puts pressure on them. Your ex is not testing you. I hear a lot about dumpees thinking . ."Is he/she just testing me, to see how far I will go to love him/her?" The answer is NO. They broke up with you for whatever reason - and often times, you'll NEVER know the real reason. This is simply something that you'll have to accept. So, you can personally attack your ex by calling him a coward, or whatever else you want to call him, but it will only make you look bad.

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good, i'm glad i'm not the only one who thought it was nuts, but since i'm new at this dumpee bit, i wanted to make sure i wasn't missing something. i DON'T think he's testing me. i think he's seriuosly confused/screwed up/lost. whatever it may be. i'm sorry that this is one thing i can't help him figure out, but hey, there's nothing i can do but go my own way.

 

that said, i have recently been thinking of calling just to see what's going on in his life (it's been 4 months after all). really for myself. not saying i love him, nothing like that. really just look, i'm moving on. if you figure this out someday, and decide to come back...well, if i'm single, maybe we can talk this out. if not, well it's been a nice 9 years and i hope you find whatever you're looking for.

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I don't believe in ultimatums. You will bully your ex into making a decision that they are not ready to make and it well never come out the way you hoped. I think its better to assume that its over and done with and get on with your life. Sometimes ex's see the light when you are confident and independent. Also I don't think mentioning love or trying to engender guilt are helpful. They may be your natural feelings but they won't win you your ex back if that's what you want. If that's not what you want, why bother.

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hi cassiana,

 

yes, but the second half of what i wrote is NOT an ultimatum. not to mention, how the heck do you give an ultimatum once they've already left?? it's not like they can say, ok well i'm leaving...they're not there anyway... to me an ultimatum is more marry me or i'm leaving, or do this or this will happen. i'm not asking him to come back now, heck, i don't want him back at this moment because i'm still rediscovering my new/old self. however, that does not mean i'll feel that way in 12 months..who knows what i'll be feeling then.

 

so, like i was saying

 

"....look, i'm moving on. if you figure this out someday, and decide to come back...well, if i'm single, maybe we can talk this out. if not, well it's been a nice 9 years and i hope you find whatever "

 

i don't mention love here, or regret...it's simply look buddy, i've waited enough time and i'm ready to move on with my life. have fun sorting yours out....there is no longer an our

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I DONTGETIT i did just wat u did....i emailed my ex a letter but i also said "i know your lost within urself & are not happy. for u tried to explain this all to me & u know how i feel about you & despite the distance ill be behind u all the way. if u ever want to maintain a friendship or interest in a relationship in the future dont ever fear talking to me. i miss you babe & im sure id love to hear form you. & its a matter that can be discussed. i wish u all the best in life for your happiness is very important to me & i pray that God bestows upon you all of life's beautiful things. You deserve it."

 

& i wrote this to ease my own mind & b/c he told me in april "that once i figure myself out & am ready to settle down youd be the first girl i call. youd be the first person to know, if you dont hate me by then.."

 

For a while we kept in contact via IM then months down the line he blocked me for a month & he just unblocked me a week or 2 ago...

 

but since he unblocked me about a week and a half ago he hasnt IMed me...im at a slight dilemma now of wat to do. bc i think if i IM him ima be pushy & too easily accessible...ugh im with you man "I-DONT-GET-IT!!" TIME I GUESS??? ugh!

 

but yea if u feel u want to send ur ex that letter go ahead, what do u have to lose...

 

-DG724

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i'm sorry that this is one thing i can't help him figure out' date=' but hey, there's nothing i can do but go my own way.[/quote']

 

That is SO true. However, and I have posted this before, so it might be repeated for some. I feel the same way, frustrated that I can't help my "ex" through his tough time.

 

I talked to my counsellor about it (she knows the entire history of the relationship) and in my case, she feels that somehow, my love for him could actually help him start moving forward. That if I somehow let him know that I am okay and totally understand why he is doing this, and don't go on and on about our future and getting back together, that he might stop feeling so much guilt and pain about hurting me, and start healing. As far as I can tell from our last few email exchanges a month back, he is in total denial again, about his wife's death and his kids' reactions and behaviours, now that the catalyst (me) is out of the picture. My fear is that he will just assume everything is fine and they will all end up screwed up emotionally down the road, because they are not dealing with anything.

 

Part of my wants to do it -- the part that loves him unconditionally, and knows how hurt and confused he is, and knows he still loves me -- but part of me -- the angry, hurting, heartbroken part -- wants to let him stew in his own juices.

 

I have been doing NC for a month now (we broke up just over four months ago), and I feel better for it. I am so worried that contacting him again would just look like thinly veiled attempt to win him back, and make me look weak and whiney. I HATE that feeling. On the other hand, if I try and treat it for what it is, it might help both of us move on.

 

My counsellor feels that it's something I need to do some soul-searching on. It has to come from the heart, not the head, and it has to speak to his vulnerability. I need to get through the tough grownup exterior and speak to the little boy who is really hurting. I need to let him know that I know he didn't hurt me intentionally, and is in fact trying to protect me from more hurt, and that I understand why he did what he did. That what we had was not a failure.

 

I am really tore about what to do. My past experiences tell me that it's a waste of time. But, my past relationships ended for much different reasons, and I can honestly say I was never loved, or loved someone, like this before. The breakup was completely circumstancial and not because he doesn't love me, or doesn't want what I want.

 

I have been lying awake at night trying to figure out what I would say that would help him and not just sound needy on my part.

 

If I do anything, it won't be for away -- I need time to digest it all. I will probably write it and send it snail mail, and mail it right before I leave the country for three weeks, so he won't feel obligated to contact me, and I won't be setting myself up for disappointment when he doesn't.

 

She really thinks I should do this because she feels that it's not finished yet. I tend to agree that there is something that still has to be done, whether it's me finally closing the door on him, or him finally waking up to the possibility of healing. Who knows? It's all very scarey. She figures that once I have done that, I have done everything in my power to help him, and I will feel better. I am not so sure, as I think it will just give me false hope.

 

Any thoughts on this?

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I talked to my counsellor about it (she knows the entire history of the relationship) and in my case, she feels that somehow, my love for him could actually help him start moving forward. That if I somehow let him know that I am okay and totally understand why he is doing this, and don't go on and on about our future and getting back together, that he might stop feeling so much guilt and pain about hurting me, and start healing. My fear is that he will just assume everything is fine assume what is fine exactly? you and your life, or his? and they will all end up screwed up emotionally down the road, because they are not dealing with anything.

well, the emotionally screwed up part will probably be inevitable for the kids one way or the other. their mom's death will do that, but i don't think your involvement with their father would necessarily. on him, perhaps, on the kids...probably not. but you know, at this point, there is nothing you can do. i know the sense of helplessness at the situation is probably worse than the actual separation

 

Part of my wants to do it -- the part that loves him unconditionally, and knows how hurt and confused he is, and knows he still loves me -- but part of me -- the angry, hurting, heartbroken part -- wants to let him stew in his own juices. i think i'd agree on the first part. you really need to tell him you are setting him free. at this point, he has too much on his plate. i know it's not easy from your part, but as long as he has these three issues to deal with, you will always be last. he needs to take care of his emotions in dealing with her passing, and not project that onto you. you are not his wife, and never will be. you've got great qualities that you regularly demonstrate here, but you are not the same, nor should you want to be and i know that you don't. next he needs to deal with his children and not only his relationship with them, but their needs independent of his own in dealing with their mom's death. after all this, then he can get to dealing with his own emotions for you. i know it seems like you're down the list, but you know that's the only way he'd be able to give you 100%.

I have been doing NC for a month now (we broke up just over four months ago), and I feel better for it. I am so worried that contacting him again would just look like thinly veiled attempt to win him back, and make me look weak and whiney. I HATE that feeling. On the other hand, if I try and treat it for what it is, it might help both of us move on. hmmm. i'm stuck on this one, because i'm also contemplating getting in touch again. i don't think it would be unreasonable to say look, i just wanted to let you know that i know you need to work through a lot of emotions on this one. i'm not pulling back because i don't care for you, but there are things that you need to sort out on your own before you can think about being in any relationship. i am here for you if you need to talk, but i am going to move my own way for now. (it may be a complete bluff), but it's the truth. right now, he is not stable enough to be involved.

 

My counsellor feels that it's something I need to do some soul-searching on. It has to come from the heart, not the head, and it has to speak to his vulnerability. I need to get through the tough grownup exterior and speak to the little boy who is really hurting. I need to let him know that I know he didn't hurt me intentionally, and is in fact trying to protect me from more hurt, and that I understand why he did what he did. That what we had was not a failure.

 

I am really tore about what to do. My past experiences tell me that it's a waste of time. But, my past relationships ended for much different reasons, and I can honestly say I was never loved, or loved someone, like this before. The breakup was completely circumstancial and not because he doesn't love me, or doesn't want what I want.

 

I have been lying awake at night trying to figure out what I would say that would help him and not just sound needy on my part.

 

If I do anything, it won't be for away -- I need time to digest it all. I will probably write it and send it snail mail, and mail it right before I leave the country for three weeks, so he won't feel obligated to contact me, and I won't be setting myself up for disappointment when he doesn't.

 

She really thinks I should do this because she feels that it's not finished yet. I tend to agree that there is something that still has to be done, whether it's me finally closing the door on him, or him finally waking up to the possibility of healing. Who knows? It's all very scarey. She figures that once I have done that, I have done everything in my power to help him, and I will feel better. I am not so sure, as I think it will just give me false hope. i don't think it will give you false hope. he may take years to get over it, and by then, you'll have moved in a different direction. i think actually it will help establish a bit more separation from him. you are telling him that he has issues independent of you that need to be dealt with, and until that happens, there's no way you can continue.

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