Boss' Wife Causing Problems for Me (Long Post)

[Heather Dawn]

Two months ago, I was hired as a Project Manager for a small, but rapidly growing software and Internet company after a lengthy, three-stage interview process. For the most part, it's been a really great experience so far: decent salary (that will increase once I've worked here three months), benefits, lovely co-workers, lots of responsibilities and freedom, and I've got my own beautiful office with a window the length of one wall (!!). Plus, I live ten minutes away, so I often spend my lunch hour at home...a great way to break up the work day.

 

In general, I can see myself settling in here for the long run, and I know they'd like me to. My manager (who, in many ways, actually runs the company) and the vice president have both been very supportive of me, and the company's owner came in to tell me that they've both spoken very highly of me to him. So, all in all, this was a great move for me and I enjoy my job (well, as much as one can enjoy the daily work grind...ha).

 

However, there's one major issue: The boss' wife.

 

She's a former engineer who is now retired and helps out by testing our website builds (along with our team of QA testers who work from our Taipei office, which is also where our designers and engineers are located). She does this part-time, from home, and doesn't get paid for it. Before I came on board and took over this particular project, there was a very messy system in place for tracking builds and changes, and she got away with terrorizing the designers and other QA testers because whatever she said was law. They were too scared to argue, so whatever she commanded, they did.

 

Then I was hired, and part of my job entails re-structuring and re-organizing the whole process - with the guidance of my manager, who is showing me the ropes while also backing off and letting me handle this project (and another) mostly on my own, as I get more and more comfortable. This woman (the boss' wife) doesn't like the new system we've implemented - despite the fact that it's already improved things and the Taipei team loves it - so she has undermined me as much as possible, trying to give orders to the Taipei team that are against my policy, changing the rules that I've set, etc. They HATE her, and I've seen this not only in emails ABOUT her, but in emails TO her in which they - clearly feeling emboldened by the new system and our obvious support of them - have basically told her to off (without saying it that way) and leave them to do their thing. But it doesn't help - she continues to try and bend the system to her will. And it finally came to a head the other day (this past Friday) when I almost blew a gasket at her for repeatedly undermining me to a befuddled engineer AND telling me that she knows better than the client about what the client wants.

 

O_o

 

So. That night, when the owner went home, she apparently had a screaming tantrum demanding that I be fired. He told the VP, who went to my manager the next morning and told him that he needs to step in and that they need to protect me. So my manager shot off an email to the boss' wife that, while professional, essentially said, "Heather has my full support, she's doing what's best for the company which is a policy we came up with together, so back the eff off and leave her alone."

 

He and the VP both told me what was going on, just to keep me in the loop, and promised that my job was safe. My manager even said that he would walk if I got fired (and I believe him, as he only originally joined this company because he'd made some money selling his own and was bored, and agreed to help out here because he and the owner were friends; that was ten years ago, and he's probably why they're so successful now, but he's in his 50s, wealthy, and doesn't need the work).

 

Well, in spite of the support, I went home rattled and stressed out. And angry. I didn't say much about it yesterday, but I was still feeling on edge. This morning, when I got in, I went into my manager's office and said, "Look, I know you said not to worry about my job but I'm stressing out. Is my position here at risk because [the boss]'s wife is having a tantrum that things are no longer going her way?"

 

He replied, "I only told you about what happened [the demands that I be fired] to keep you in the loop. If it's going to stress you out, I just won't tell you these things anymore. Because you DON'T need to be stressed. Your job is absolutely safe. You're one of the best things to happen to this company."

 

Obviously, that relieved a lot of the stress. But, even knowing that my job is safe, this woman is still stressing me out because she absolutely will not acquiesce and adhere to the policy. So I'm spending a lot of time arguing points with her or putting out fires between her and the engineers/testers. And it's eventually going to take its toll on the project and our clients.

 

How much does an employee have to put up with by their employer's spouse, when the spouse in question is helping out, from home, without pay (meaning she's not even an official employee) and is driving the actual employee mad with stress? Her trying to get me fired feels almost like harassment to me. What do I do if it continues? I won't quit - I like it here and I'm not going to be chased off by her - but this is ridiculous.

[DylanNotorious]

Sorry but your screwed. It happened to my sister, and the boss's wife always over-rules because she's married to the big boss man.

[pl3asehelp]

How much does an employee have to put up with by their employer's spouse, when the spouse in question is helping out, from home, without pay (meaning she's not even an official employee) and is driving the actual employee mad with stress? Her trying to get me fired feels almost like harassment to me. What do I do if it continues? I won't quit - I like it here and I'm not going to be chased off by her - but this is ridiculous.

 

I think you're asking the entirely wrong question. Your manager told you your job is safe. Trust him. You shouldn't have gone in and asked again when he had already told you once - that's annoying, shows you don't listen, can't handle stress, and will make him think he's going to need to be a referee for you. Next time something like this happens, just trust what he tells you without questioning it.

 

If she's not following the policy you've been granted with the authority of your manager to set, you could warn her once, but after that go to her manager and let them handle it. Not your problem anymore, shouldn't cause you any more stress at all.

 

I think you're reading too much into the fact that she's a spouse of your employer. My wife does some crazy **** from time to time, but I certainly wouldn't let her bully around an employee of mine or be insubordinate at work. If she can't get on board then they'll hire someone to do her job - release engineers are cheap because what they do a trained monkey could do.

[DN]

edit - question answered.

 

I think you need to carry on as you are and depend on your managers to protect you.

[agent1607307371]

Honeslty, even though she isn't an employee I would still document it.

 

Other than that, trust your manager.

[avman]

I think everyone involved has gone out of their way to assure you that your job is safe and you are doing what is best for the company. That's all you can do. Your superiors have even decided to go head to head with this woman in your defense. So the only one who looks really bad here is the owner's wife.

 

The one you should feel sorry for is the owner. After all he's the one that has to go home to that on a nightly basis. As for you, treat her just like having to deal with any other difficult person. Keep your cool. Let her be the one who goes off the deep end. Never stoop to her level. Be a consummate professional and you'll earn the respect of the entire company. Then go to the gym after work and hit a nice heavy bag with her photo pasted on it to let out the frustrations.

[MikNomis]

They told you don't worry and they'll do all they can to make this blow over. There's nothing left to do except to trust them and continue doing the good job you are, because you stressing = putting more stress on them = making the situation worse.

[SpookyWooky]

how bad did thing's get after it happened ? she made a mistake but it cost both parties dearly

[Heather Dawn]

Thanks for the advice, everyone.

 

I'm trying to chill. I'm feeling pretty good today, actually. I had an early Skype meeting with one of the Taipei engineers (on an unrelated issue) and he ended it by thanking me for backing him in an argument HE was having with her. And it was a nice reminder that I'm not alone in this (alone as in being the sole person having issues with her, not alone in an unsupported sense).

 

SppokyWooky, it's been MANY ongoing issues with her. And it's gotten bad enough that some of the engineers are quitting because she's such a nightmare to deal with.