16 months later, we've made contact again. Unsure of the next steps.

[DennisK]

We'd been together for 7 years and engaged before we broke up and it was what she wanted. This was back in June last year and I posted a few threads on here asking for advice and to generally vent. I was devastated, but the advice and support I received was a great help.

 

After swapping our stuff back, I went into strict NC for the next two months and they were hell for me. I lost weight and became quite withdrawn, but the support of my friends and family got me through it. I started going back to the gym and readjusting back to the life of a single guy. Then in late August, I found out that I'd got a placement for teacher training, but it would mean me giving up my well paid (but boring) job and training for a year with no guarrantee of a teaching post at the end of it. In the end, I worked out my finances and decided to go for it, as I felt that I needed a new challenge.

 

Retraining to become a teacher was my ex's idea, so i saw it as a way of contacting her again. She was happy to hear from me, but it turned out to be a mistake as i found out that she was already with another guy when she accidentally sent an intimate text to me instead of him. This really hurt and put me back in my healing. She was really sorry, but it made me realise that NC was the only way to go. So I wished her well, went back to strict NC and used my pain to spur me on in making a new career for myself. She sends me a text two months later out of the blue, wishing me happy birthday, to which I just reply, 'Thanks. Hope you are well'. I don't send her a birthday text when its hers two weeks later.

 

The year I spend teacher training is amazing, but hard. The hardest year of my life, but I met so many new, amazing people and really used it as a new start. It taught me so much about myself and changed me for the better. I understood where my relationship went wrong with my ex and worked hard to make changes where they needed to be made. I didn't feel ready to start a new relationship, so avoided them knowing that it would be too soon. It was only towards the end of the course this summer, when I knew I'd gained my teaching qualification and landed a job at a good school, that I felt ready for a new relationship. I'd got to the point where I didn't care what my ex was up to, so unblocked her on Facebook, but didn't feel any urge to search for her profile. I was back to being me again, only a better, stronger more understanding me.

 

During this year, a very good friend of mine was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Although he was my friend, my ex had also become friends with him and his wife too, altough they de-friended her on FB when we broke up.

 

Sadly, my friend passed away last Sunday so I only felt it right that I contact my ex to let her know of the news and the funeral arrangements, in case she wanted to attend. She replied back that she'd found out about the news on Sunday too, but felt that I wouldn't appreciate her being at the funeral. She said she wanted to attend, as long as it wasn't going to be awkward between us. I told her to not be silly, that he had been her friend too and that she deserved to be there with everyone else. She thanks me, but i say she has nothing to thank me for. We swap a few texts over the next few days, but we're both quite guarded and not revealing much.

 

Anyway, I see her at the funeral today and she is stood alone, looking quite awkward and I'm stood with my group of friends. I go up to her, say its good to see her, albeit in tragic circumstances. She looks like she's about to cry so i give her a hug and invite her to stand and wait with me and the rest of my friends for the funeral cortege to arrive. Things are actually quite comfortable and we swap small talk for a bit.

 

During the funeral service, a couple of songs are played which have a lot of meaning for the both of us (my friend, ex and I all loved the same band and went to gigs together) and we both break down in tears. She links her arm with mine and we share in our grief. We talk about some of the good times we shared and she remembers every little detail. We relocate to the after service, but she doesn't know the way there. So I tell her to follow me and she remarks that she likes my new car. She also has a new car, but I don't make any mention about hers.

 

When we get there we all talk about what we've been up to and generally catch up. She doesn't ask me any direct questions, but my friends ask me all sorts as some of them hadn't seen me for ages. So i talk about how I'd changed my career, what life is like as a teacher, etc. and i'm cracking jokes off every couple of minutes. She is laughing at my jokes and seems to be enjoying our company and I must admit, it is nice to see her again. I find out that she's still living with her mum and doing the same skilled job as before. I have no idea if she is seeing anyone and I don't ask, although I do notice that she is still wearing the ring I bought her for our first Christmas together. Our conversation flows easily and neither of us mentions anything about relationships, past or present.

 

One of my friends asks me what I'm doing tomorror and I tell him that I'm at a birthday party (it's the truth). He also asks what I'm doing for my birthday in two weeks time and I let him know that I already have arrangements (also the truth). I pretty sure she overhears this, as she's sat right next to me. After a few hours, people are leaving the venue, but she stays, up to the point where I say I'm leaving and she says she needs to be making tracks too. In the carpark, I say it was nice to see her and she says the same, give each other a hug and drive off our separate ways. She seems quite non-plussed, which doesn't bother me.

 

I think momentarily about sending her a text in the afternoon, saying that i was glad she came to the funeral to say her goodbyes and that it was nice seeing her again. But then i think, whats the point? I'm looking around other girls at the moment and have one or two potentially lined up. Do I really want to go back there? Or do I want something new? In the end, I decide not to send anything. If she wants to contact me, then fine. But I'm not going to make any first moves now.

 

She then sends me a text in the early evening, saying that it was nice catching up with me today and that she wished it was under different circumstances. She also thanks me for my support and that she really appreciated it.

 

I'm now kinda confused as what to do next. I was happy not having her in my life, but it really was nice to see her again today. If she is with somebody else, then ok, its not going to hurt me now. But having her just as a friend after all of our history will just feel odd to me. If she is single, then again I'm torn. Part of me would like to take baby steps to see where it leads if thats what she wants too, but the other part of me is telling me to let sleeping dogs lie.

 

I'm going a bit round in circles. It doesn't help that we bid farewell for a beloved friend today.

[eastonweston]

I don't personally have any advice to add here, but I think this was a very well written story, and I'm looking forward to seeing what some of the more seasoned posters on this site say to this one...

 

Best of luck.

[JohnGalt]

I would take a couple days, bruh. One of your closest friends died and you're emotional. Probably best to just ease back into normalcy. Give it a week or two. If you're still thinking about your ex, I'd call her up and invite her to coffee or something. She seems open, but my fiancee left me and a six year relationship behind. No way in hell I could ever go back to someone who walks away from something so long and deep.

[DennisK]

Well, while waiting for replies here, I thought it would be rude to not reply so texted her back that I was glad that she came today and that it felt right that she was there. That her support meant a lot to me too. She then texts back immediately saying she hopes than one day we can be friends, which is the same as the last text she sent me in August when i found out she was already seeing somebody else.

 

It almost feels like she's trying to guilt trip me into replying. I think telling her to give it some time for our emotions to settle down is good advice. Tomorrows birthday party should help as there will be a girl there who I really quite like and looking forward to seeing. My mind feels a bit of a mess though.

[iamkaylee]

I would let it go.

 

She's not looking to rekindle a romance, she was being honest with you.

 

My condolences about your friend.

[DennisK]

Thanks for the honest response Kaylee. You could be right, but I'm not so sure. Do you not think she could be testing the water?

 

Texted her back last night to say give us both some time for emotions to clear. She says thats fine, apologises for mentioning it on a day like yesterday and i tell her its ok.

 

Would love to know what others think.

[leftme]

Nobody knows but her. She's already hinted it's not what you're hoping for. So you have to accept that I guess. Whatever happens will happen. Just make sure you're ready for just friends if you do bite the bullet and hangout with her.

[Cope and Hope]

Thanks for the honest response Kaylee. You could be right, but I'm not so sure. Do you not think she could be testing the water?

 

Texted her back last night to say give us both some time for emotions to clear. She says thats fine, apologises for mentioning it on a day like yesterday and i tell her its ok.

 

Would love to know what others think.

 

The people giving you advice already are right. She's being honest with you and made it clear upfront that she's not looking for reconciliation. I honestly doubt that she's testing the waters and that sense you have of "not being so sure" that she isn't trying to get back together is grasping at straws, probably because you guys are in an emotional state right now.

 

And I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but you had just lost a friend; isn't it a bit soon to be taking this opportunity to try and reconcile? IMO you're probably gravitating towards the comfort of the past relationship to help deal with the loss of the friend. The only problem is you're single and so you're gravitating towards her while she is still with somebody so she is finding comfort in her boyfriend.

 

Either way, my condolences and try to take some time out from even thinking about this. It'll probably all blow by in a few weeks.

[oreogod]

read some of the posts I made today elsewhere. maybe it will help.

[DennisK]

Thanks for the honest advice guys. I'm think I'm gonna accept her request to be friends and not persue it to be anything else.

 

Cope and Hope; reflecting on Friday, I don't think i actually found her attractive and I think it was more the feelings of familiarity, the fact that we hadn't seen each other for so long and the circumstances of the day which reignited old feelings.

 

Gonna leave it a week before making any final decision of being friends with her though. My head still feels like it's up my arse. It didn't help that I had a dream about her last night, where we were at a hotel together and she ends up going off with another man. It woke up in the morning not feeling great and it had nothing to do with the beer from the night before. I had a good evening with my friends though!