aphrodite12 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 If his (2nd) rejection is what you think helps you to move on, then go ahead and send that message. Because besides all those real life stories, just on the forum alone, you will find all sort of post about how the chasing/confronting had pushed exes away and done damage to their own self esteem. But if you value your own pride more than a faux friendship with your ex, then don't. And stop asking "why he doesn't reply my message when he said he wants to be friends". You are right, it would be lowering myself if I were to send him anything more. The door is open for him, if he chooses to walk through it. I've done my bit. I'm sorry if it hurts: but he didn't say he wanna be friends. You did, and he's just too chicken to reject the suggestion. Surely he wouldn't be so scared as to just say "Sorry but it won't be a good idea." ? But everything points to him not meaning what he said so now I'll try to forget. But the thing is every time I now try to put it behind me I hear a nagging voice in my head saying "But he said it would be nice to be friends"- that is what is holding me back. So I feel that for closure, I do want to contact him to clarify. Might be putting my pride down, but if that's the sacrifice I need to make in order to move on, so be it. Besides I did pretty well with 3 months of no contact from the day he dumped me. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Yes. All in all, I just want some kind of 'absolution' from him so that I can move on and not think "What if I suddenly get a message from him today." What I mean is, hearing him confirm that he does not want to be friends will be the thing I need to heal once and for all. That is why I was planning on sending that message which others on here are advising me not to send. This is it. Words mean nothing. His actions are telling you that he isn't that keen on the idea of being friends. Do you think he would take this long to reply to one of this mates? My last ex asked me to be friends. I dumped him. I said to him that I didn't really see the point as it's not like we would go out for drinks of whatever together. He said that maybe we could in time. But the truth is, I don't want to be friends with him. I am civil when I see him but he tries to take it too far by making a point of coming over to me when he sees me and having conversations that go on too long for my liking. I don't hate him, but I'd rather keep it to a minimum. I suppose part of me still feels awkward and we really have nothing else to talk about. Maybe your ex feels the same way. Link to comment
aphrodite12 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 This is it. Words mean nothing. His actions are telling you that he isn't that keen on the idea of being friends. Do you think he would take this long to reply to one of this mates? Exactly. I guess that the main reason I want to contact him is that I am feeling angry for being misled/being given false hope and sending him a friendly message with that false hope, so I wanted to send him a "look, friends or not? if not, tell me so that I can move on!" Link to comment
penelope13 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 This is the answer you are most likely to receive: I would have liked to remain friends, but it's obvious that you are not ready for it yet. Maybe things can be different in the future. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Not messaging him again will say a lot more. If you message him, whether you get a response or not, it won't change anything. Link to comment
aphrodite12 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 This is the answer you are most likely to receive: I would have liked to remain friends, but it's obvious that you are not ready for it yet. Maybe things can be different in the future. This has been the best piece of advice on this thread. Thank you very much Penelope and thank you to all others on here who gave me very wise and convincing words. Now I have resolved to not send a further message. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 You're right. But a dumper giving false hope like this after 3 months of the dumpee trying to move on isn't very human either I agree that it sucks. But I don't think he did it to be intentionally hurtful... if he'd reached out to you first and then disappeared, I'd feel differently. I think he just gave what he thought was an appropriate response in the moment. I also think you are wise to listen to the little voice inside - if you know you couldn't have coffee with him without feeling sad because it's different than it used to be, there's no point in pretending to be friends. My internal gauge for these things is trying to make myself imagine how I'd feel if we met up, had decent conversation, and parted ways unsure if/when we'd see each other again. If the thought of him walking away makes me feel physically ill or at all uneasy/anxious, I figure I'm not over it enough to try being friends. Usually, by the time I'm over it enough, I don't want to be friends anyway. Link to comment
aphrodite12 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 Yes, exactly. The 3 months of NC with him have enabled me to find myself again; to find my centre in life and to get my happiness back. I don't want all that to be for nothing if I see him and his indifference again. Link to comment
aphrodite12 Posted November 15, 2012 Author Share Posted November 15, 2012 So after 3 weeks, he replies to that message I sent, saying: "Wow that's really cool you're getting guitar lessons, how are they going?" I'm gonna wait a week before replying, if I had any sense I would wait 2 weeks, but I want to be friends. Link to comment
CupidMissedMe Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 Sorry but reading your OP makes me think that despite what you said about being friends, you want more. It sounds a tad pushy and desperate imo. Why take guitar lessons now? Are you doing that to impress him or is it purely for yourself. I question your motivation. Either way, don't press the issue any longer. We tend to want to be "friends" with our exes, but there are friends that are just as fun to be around so why dig up the poop you buried? Link to comment
aphrodite12 Posted November 15, 2012 Author Share Posted November 15, 2012 Sorry but reading your OP makes me think that despite what you said about being friends, you want more. It sounds a tad pushy and desperate imo. Why take guitar lessons now? Are you doing that to impress him or is it purely for yourself. I question your motivation. No, no and no. I have been an amateur singer for 6 years, from before I met him, and I made a pledge that when I finish my studies at University I will start guitar lessons so as to accompany myself. I finished a 4-year long Masters course last September, so now I have started the guitar. I would not go so far to get a guy's attention as to pay for and commit to learning an instrument or other skill that I have no enthusiasm for; I am neither a millionaire and nor am I not able to find other things to do with my time. Link to comment
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