aphrodite12 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 After my ex-boyfriend dumped me, I made no attempt to contact him and neither him me, for 3 months. Then, I sent him a facebook message saying what he did was right and that we were not meant to be together, because the 3 months of No Contact let me reflect on things and see that I was also not happy in the relationship. In this same message I asked him if we could be friends because we had a really great time as friends as well as a couple. He responded to my message a few days later addressing some of the points I had made in my message, and added "Yea it would be nice to be friends, as long as we can keep things just fun and simple then I think that would work quite well." I then sent him a short reply saying "Yea I'm glad I've come this far in my healing, thanks to the 3 months of NC. I know you'll definitely find someone who is all that you want one day In this same message I also added that I'm starting guitar lessons soon and that I was really excited. He lives and breathes his guitar and he was always asking me when I would start lessons when we were together; I was the one that got him started on his own guitar lessons because I encouraged him to follow his childhood dream of becoming a great guitarist, and he has always thanked me for bringing out the best in him. He didn't reply to this and it's been almost a week (he's one to always reply to messages soon). I can understand that the excitement he had about me starting the guitar was when we were together and does not exist anymore, but this action contradicts what he said about wanting us to be friends. Why didn't he reply to wish me luck? Did something make him change his mind about wanting us to be friends? I'm planning on writing him a message after waiting a few more days, saying something like "Hey, I had my first guitar lesson last week and I wanted to let you know how it went, but because you didn't reply to my last message about me starting lessons I got the feeling you might not be as keen to be friends as you made out to be? If this is the case, I'd prefer it if you let me know because I don't really know where I stand and whether there is any point in me sending you messages about things which don't seem to interest you.". Would this be a good idea or shall I just give him time? It's just that at the moment I feel like I am hanging by a loose thread because this guy said he wants to be friends just last week but then ignores me..thank you for your advice. Link to comment
SAButterfly Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 No no, don't respond. Just let it go. I think a lot of times when exes say they want to be friends, it usually means that you both are somewhat civil if you see each other out in a public place or mutual friend's party. It usually eases the dumper out of guilty feelings (from my experience). It's never the same as a normal friendship. Frankly, I decided not to be friends with my ex, because friends wouldn't dump you from their life and actually care what happens in it. Please do not contact him again. I'm sad to say that you will regret it if you do and he doesn't respond again. Hang in there and keep on with NC. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Definitely don't send him that. It will read as needy, confrontational and unnecessarily over-dramatic - particularly since you're the one who initiated contact and suggested being friends in the first place. The bit in his message about keeping things "fun and simple" suggests that he is looking to avoid drama or you thinking of him as anything more than a friend. You sending a message like that is anything BUT fun and simple. And the truth is that if he was interested in following up about your lessons, he would have. If he was interested in chatting, he would. You made it clear that you are open and would welcome it. Let his silence speak for itself and resist the urge to keep following up. My honest opinion is that if you were truly ready to be just his friend, his lack of contact wouldn't be bothering you the way it is. Link to comment
needygf Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Do Not send a second message. I know how it feels and I think you are not over him yet, the way you (desperately) want to be friends with him states that. Based on my experience on being both sides of the BU, people always agree to be friends again. But it doesn't mean that they will treat you the way before/during the relationship. Honey, I know it sucks, and it hurts so bad. But please ignore him for now. Do not ever send him anymore message or call him or confront him, it will only make you seem needy. And trust me, you don't want that. Dearie, please take a deep breath and step away from all this. Go do something else. Learning something new is good. But if the guitar lesson is to impress him or get his attention. Don't. Unless you're genuinely interested in it. Else go do something you actually enjoy it. Link to comment
markie6 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 well I guess you contacting him out of the blue and asking for friendship spooked him. That's how I read it. Most ex's don't want to be friends ... it's more of an aquaintance really ...and they will always be on high alert for any tricks , deception ..or feelings that will make them feel awkward. His not replying could mean he feels that way. Link to comment
aphrodite12 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 No no, don't respond. Just let it go. I think a lot of times when exes say they want to be friends, it usually means that you both are somewhat civil if you see each other out in a public place or mutual friend's party. It usually eases the dumper out of guilty feelings (from my experience). It's never the same as a normal friendship. Frankly, I decided not to be friends with my ex, because friends wouldn't dump you from their life and actually care what happens in it. Please do not contact him again. I'm sad to say that you will regret it if you do and he doesn't respond again. Hang in there and keep on with NC. Thank you for sharing this. I understand that "let's stay friends" is something dumpers say at the time of the breakup so that things don't get messy. But what I don't get is why he would say he wants to be friends after 3 months NC. At this stage if he felt he didn't want friendship from me would he not say something like "And about friendship, I'm not sure that it'll be a good idea" or "One day in the future perhaps but not now"? During the 3 months of NC I had felt he didn't want me in his life at all anymore and I wasn't even expecting a reply to the message I sent him when I broke the NC. So to suddenly hear "let's be friends" from him- it's quite confusing. Link to comment
aphrodite12 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 But if the guitar lesson is to impress him or get his attention. Don't. Unless you're genuinely interested in it. Else go do something you actually enjoy it. Haha not at all! I've been into music since before I met him, I'm a singer and I've been wanting to learn the guitar for a long time to accompany myself when I sing. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I think you have to stop giving his response so much weight. You suggested being friends, and he said that would be nice. I think most humans would give a similar response, especially if they knew they'd already hurt the other person in some way. Nobody wants to be the bad guy. Link to comment
SAButterfly Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Thank you for sharing this. I understand that "let's stay friends" is something dumpers say at the time of the breakup so that things don't get messy. But what I don't get is why he would say he wants to be friends after 3 months NC. At this stage if he felt he didn't want friendship from me would he not say something like "And about friendship, I'm not sure that it'll be a good idea" or "One day in the future perhaps but not now"? For the 3 months of NC I had felt he didn't want me in his life at all anymore and I wasn't even expecting a reply to the message I sent him when I broke the NC. So to suddenly hear "let's be friends" from him- it's quite confusing. My ex and I tried this- we tried to be friends 5 months after the breakup. We went from talking every day to very little contact (like 2 texts in 5 months). It. did. not. work. Neither one of us could handle seeing the other flirt with others. Things got messy, there was drama. I was the dumpee. I'm not saying this would happen in your case, but it quickly became obvious that we couldn't be friends. There was still strong emotions there. I'm guessing your ex was probably surprised that you reached out, didn't want to be an a$$ and said he wanted to be friends because he didn't want to hurt you further. I seriously doubt he has any intention of following through with that. I'm not sure why you guys broke up, but I'm guessing he wants to date others and really doesn't want you hanging around. That's what's going on in my case and now I realize the only true way I can get over my ex is to NOT be around him at all. We both deserve better. Just leave it on this positive note and don't contact further. Link to comment
aphrodite12 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 Yes, I know it will be very hard for me because I still have a lot of feelings for him and would be getting destroyed inside whilst sitting opposite him at a coffee table and missing the way he would reach for my hand. So it is much better for me if he doesn't want me in his life at all anymore, rather than "midway". What's more, the friendly note and simplicity of my last message to him has left the door open for him which means the ball is in his court now if he ever does want to speak to me again. Link to comment
aphrodite12 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 I think you have to stop giving his response so much weight. You suggested being friends, and he said that would be nice. I think most humans would give a similar response, especially if they knew they'd already hurt the other person in some way. Nobody wants to be the bad guy. You're right. But a dumper giving false hope like this after 3 months of the dumpee trying to move on isn't very human either Link to comment
penelope13 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 He is not giving you false hope. You are just interpreting his actions and words differently than he is. Link to comment
aphrodite12 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 He is not giving you false hope. You are just interpreting his actions and words differently than he is. Perhaps, but then I didn't expect a complete lack of "good luck with the lessons" from someone who has stated that they want to be friends, even "fun and simple" friends. That's what has me thinking he has either changed his mind or didn't mean what he said. I'm not referring to false hope of getting back together; I mean false hope of being friends. I made it clear in my first message to him that I didn't want to be with him again: it was a very long message that i sent to him and I ended it with: "So in conclusion, it seems that a relationship was not meant for us. But I would like to be friends. Life is short and I don't want us to go through it pretending that we don't know each other. Let's forget about the love we had for just a moment; we are two people who were able to have a laugh, we had good times, we have things in common like classical fiction and karate talk. It won't be nice for us to just leave all that behind. But I leave it to you." Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 This is why it is best not to break NC. 3 months of healing only to be back here analysing his response and also lack of one. I think he may have seen mentioning starting guitar lessons as a bit manipulative. I'm sure I would too but that probably wasn't your intention. It is hard to be friends with an ex. I think years need to pass before this can happen. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 What do you think 'fun and simple' means? Fun and simple means, that there is not a single topic or situation where he is required to respond to in a specific time frame, but that he can choose if and when he wants to respond. After a breakup (even after some time of NC) many people claim they are ready to be friends, yet they use it as an excuse to stay close and remain in touch with the other person in hopes that one day things will change again. Knowing this (it's a natural thing, thus highly likely) he was trying to already state that he wants to make sure that friends means friends and is not meant to be taken as anything else. He further drives his point home by choosing not to respond to you. You are the one who has still hopes/expectations how/when he should respond. Did you really just tell him about the guitar playing because you wanted to inform him or where you trying to illicit a response from him? Link to comment
aphrodite12 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 This is why it is best not to break NC. 3 months of healing only to be back here analysing his response and also lack of one. I think he may have seen mentioning starting guitar lessons as a bit manipulative. I'm sure I would too but that probably wasn't your intention. It is hard to be friends with an ex. I think years need to pass before this can happen. Yes. All in all, I just want some kind of 'absolution' from him so that I can move on and not think "What if I suddenly get a message from him today." What I mean is, hearing him confirm that he does not want to be friends will be the thing I need to heal once and for all. That is why I was planning on sending that message which others on here are advising me not to send. Link to comment
aphrodite12 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 You are 100% right, this is exactly it. But I just felt that I had convinced him that I did not want him back from that first message I sent him. Really, I was listing several things about why it was best for me that we should be apart, saying that in retrospect it was making me unhappy to be with him which led to me starting arguments (it was arguments that made him leave). But I was honest and did say that I still love him and miss him. That must have ruined it. Link to comment
aphrodite12 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 What do you think 'fun and simple' means? Fun and simple means, that there is not a single topic or situation where he is required to respond to in a specific time frame, but that he can choose if and when he wants to respond. This makes me feel, is it worth having someone as a friend who regards me so lowly and isn't willing to actually be a "friend"? The friends I have in my life are people who appreciate me for who I am and care about what's going on in my life. If someone doesn't, as in his case, I don't see the point in labelling him as a friend and feeling I can message him about something exciting happening in my life. That is what I want to say to him, so that he can confirm to me whether he does want to be my "friend" or not, in which case I will never contact him again. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 You sent him a long letter/email explaining why you think it was right to break up, but then end with you still loving him. - Those kind of letters are often interpreted (because often it is the truths) as an attempt of the writer to convince themselves. If you are hoping to hear from him "I want you to disappear from my life" in order for you to be able to move on - you are going about moving on in ways that are going to make it more difficult for you. Firstly, you are the only one who needs to allow you to move on. That is YOUR decision not his. Don't expect someone else to do the work for you (in this case telling you to move on). Secondly, if you want to move on - don't try to be friends with him or increase contact. That is just totally counterproductive. Link to comment
aphrodite12 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 Yes. I just wish that we could both forget the past and just be friends. He was my best friend and I miss his friendship so much Link to comment
penelope13 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 As long as you are not able to act as a friend, it's pointless in arguing about his actions (or lack) as a friend. You are not signing a contract with him that you will be friends. Friendships should a natural thing, going with the flow and the input from both people. Not because you decided 'now we are friends and we need to act like xyz'. You both expressed a willingness to be friends - now give time and space for the friendship to build naturally. It will be necessarily different than the friendship that you shared while you were in the relationship. You wanting to 'nail him down today' is just a sign of your anxiety about this whole situation. Anything that needs to be done and said 'today' is driven by anxiety. Link to comment
needygf Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 If his (2nd) rejection is what you think helps you to move on, then go ahead and send that message. Because besides all those real life stories, just on the forum alone, you will find all sort of post about how the chasing/confronting had pushed exes away and done damage to their own self esteem. But if you value your own pride more than a faux friendship with your ex, then don't. And stop asking "why he doesn't reply my message when he said he wants to be friends". Link to comment
aphrodite12 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 You are not signing a contract with him that you will be friends. Friendships should a natural thing, going with the flow and the input from both people. Not because you decided 'now we are friends and we need to act like xyz'. Yes you're right. I just feel misled because he said he wants to be friends, to which I sent a short and simple reply saying I'm starting guitar lessons and then he doesn't give a simple "Cool. Good luck"- I just wanted to know if he meant what he said or not so that I can move on from all this. Link to comment
needygf Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Yes you're right. I just feel misled because he said he wants to be friends, to which I sent a short and simple reply saying I'm starting guitar lessons and then he doesn't give a simple "Cool. Good luck"- I just wanted to know if he meant what he said or not. I'm sorry if it hurts: but he didn't say he wanna be friends. You did, and he's just too chicken to reject the suggestion. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 You need to stop obsessing about this. Friends are NOT required to respond to everything within a specific time frame. He is NOT misleading you. You are the one who is misleading yourself! Do you see that you tried to manipulate him into a response - that was NOT about friendship and not about guitar playing. You are not over him and you need to go back to no contact for the time being Link to comment
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