Do I Have to Be Coy to Get a Guy to Be Interested?

[MadxMythMadame]

I just started to actually "date" recently -- just going on dates and meeting guys. I started off with the online dating and I don't know if I like too much, but honestly, I have a hard time meeting guys. I work too damn much (my career is very important to me) and I don't have much of a social life outside of work. I'm not into partying, clubbing, or bar-hopping. I'll go out and hang out for a bit, but I'm mostly a homebody that just wants company.

 

I'm really not the type to flirt/be coy (to be honest, unless I'm going to have sex... then I find a reason to be more playful and a bit of tease). I've always kind of been "one of the guys." It's difficult for me to feel the need to "impress." Mentally, I figured if a guy likes my actual personality, he's (1) more likely to hang out with me more often and see where it goes from there, (2) accept the lazy bum I really am and just join me in TV-nerdom and (3) more likely to please me during any sexual activity rather than just pleasing himself.

 

Also, I've only been in one long-term, long-distance, at most times easy-going relationship. I so used to not having to impress... I used to just being myself without this facade -- so must one be coy when dating around and not looking for anything serious? Or can I just be this bum-homebody who likes to chat about TV shows and good coffee places? I feel like if I'm myself, I'll just be struck in a friend zone or guys lose interest without the flirting/mystery...

[Thorshammer]

I am in the same boat, i am a homebody, so i turn to online. I would never fake anything, i clashed with women over going out, they had some false assumption i was an extrovert that knew his way around clubs. You should be yourself, but you should also put your work in. Chances are, if the guy is a homebody and doesnt go out much, he also might not be as aggressive and social and willing to chase, i get annoyed when i am always the first to text and only call, that only lasts a few days before i disappear on them. So feed him and show interest by initiating as well.

[happpybear]

ya i think if you are a homebody then online is the best option for you. But if ypu wanna go out and meet people without going to clubs or bars, you could volunteer

[FYI]

Be yourself, that's only way that you're going to find someone who is right for you.

[CeeLambrini]

Be yourself, that's only way that you're going to find someone who is right for you.

 

It's as simple as that, there's no need to pretend to be something you're not. You'll end up being with someone who you probably don't even like. I don't like this "friendzone" idea, I think if someone is going to be attracted to you then it shouldn't depend how you "act" at first meeting them. If you show you're interested in someone you like, then they either like you back or they don't. You can do the choosing, you don't have to be a little coy lady waiting for a suitor in the corner. There's plenty of guys who love chilling in front of the TV and going for coffee just to hang out. I'm sure even the ones that bar-hop are guilty of wishing they were cuddling up on the couch with someone they cared about sometimes!

[MadxMythMadame]

I appreciate the support, but I'm looking for an opposing opinion -- I feel like that's what everyone says, but honestly, I feel like flirting create that sense of chemistry and attraction and I just don't think flirting. It's this misleading, although fun facade at first. It shouldn't depend on that, but to be real, that's what gets the ball rolling...

 

I don't like "this 'friendzone' idea", but that's where I'm usually struck in. How do people get away with not flirting and not being lonely all at the same time?

[CeeLambrini]

Well you have to think of why we flirt and what the messages are behind that. I'm sure there's a "How to flirt 101" guideline but I think it's different for everyone. Flirting is a subtle way of letting someone know you're attracted to them. If you don't think flirting, maybe you're missing out on signals coming your way. I can't give an opposing opinion because if you're not a coy person, then acting coy will only be acting differently to how you are. When you're flirting, however, you are being yourself - just in a flirting style. There's no standard personality of flirting, it's all you after all. I think acting coy and flirting are two very different things.

[MadxMythMadame]

That actually makes sense to me.

 

Like I said, I'm new at this dating thing -- there's always felt like there some standard people are used to and I was just off-beat from that, but that makes sense. Thanks!

[Rangafro]

I don't think being more flirtatious means you are betraying your identity, it's just a way of advertising that you're interested in looking for someone to date not just someone to be friends with. You seem pretty cool to me, but I think the problem that woman sometimes have when they find themselves as just one of the guys is that guys can find it a bit awkward trying tell if you're just naturally being friendly or if you're actually open to something more.

[Fudgie]

I am not a flirty person and have not had an issue finding dates. I am in a LTR with a guy who was previously one of my best male friends. I've never flirted with him. He could have dated a number of attractive women who were flirty with him and made their desire known. He did not given them a chance and he picked me. Being flirty does not always land you a relationship. In fact, if you are not flirty, I don't suggest going for guys who are. I am not a flirt and my boyfriend isn't either. I feel it makes us more compatible with we have our own chemistry. Ours is primarily based on words/emotions (since we talked online for a couple years before meeting in person) and physical attraction and desire came later. Our chemistry is not based on love at first sight or anything like that.

[datingnovice]

I am male, so I don't have the perspective that a woman may have on how they landed their men. But I can tell you what I've discovered from my own personal perspective.

 

I was very shy as a kid. Dating didn't come naturally to me, and I was too shy to take many risks socially until adulthood.

 

When I finally started dating a bit, I felt light years behind everybody else. Like you, I wasn't sure how to flirt. I wasn't sure if I should play hard to get. I wasn't sure about anything.

 

I then sought advice from dating books written--honestly--by idiot men. In a sense, the strategies worked; I was getting women interested in me, but it never felt right. I wasn't behaving in a way that was natural to me, and I ended up attracting people who were attracted to somebody other than myself, women who quite frankly were very wrong for me.

 

Then I finally said "screw it," and just behaved in the manner that I felt was right. I clung firm to my values, and let people see me for who I was.

 

I've been on many dates, and if I were to be honest with you, very few of them led to second dates.

 

But when it has worked out, that's where the magic happened. Finally I was with someone who really clicked with me, and was attracted to me for the person I was, and not for the person I was pretending to be. The women who I attract now are the people who I find the most attractive, too, with just the right blend of characteristics to form the personality of my dreams.

 

Don't get frustrated. Understand that you need to reject or get rejected by a lot of people in order to find someone who's truly right for you. But if you're uncompromising in being who you are, and acting naturally, you'll find someone who clicks perfectly with you.