Don't Mind Me, I am Just Venting Again.......

[VeryShyGuy]

As you can kinda tell from my nickname I am a shy guy. In real life, I am not much of a talker but despite this I have been writing my heart out, treating this forum as if it is a diary.

 

I have mentioned on some of my earlier threads that for a while I have been trying to improve myself, even before I even met this girl. I have blabbed on so much about this on this forum.

 

In real life I do feel like I have changed, comparing myself now to myself a year ago I would definitely think I have changed. But with respects to my problems such as stress in the family, financial problems, lack of personal ambition, it doesn't seem like I changed enough. Compared to my problems, I have changed very little, such that my wishes to improve (which I posted on this forum) seem almost hypocritical.

 

My family (i.e. my parents and my sister) consider me too naive and because of this they believe I am unaware of their problems and as a result. However I know more than they think.

 

What I do see is the general disappointment my parents have in me. They are also getting old (both in their mid 50s). I don't want them to die one day still secretly haboring this disappointment (this is my most painful fear and if nothing is to change at this point, would become very likely). They will have a disappointment that I would suffer like them.

 

It almost looks like my fate is to become like my parents. I have to fight this fate. However I am not much of a fighter. Why is it that I feel so powerless with it comes to dealing with my own fate?

 

As a child, my family had fewer problems. We would every 1 or 2 years go on vacation (usually out of the state not overseas) and spend time together as a family. Those were happy times but such times will never come back. Simple vacations like going to the beach or visiting relatives in another state, my parents don't have the stamina, time and money for such trips. Such fond memories of my past are vague and it almost feels as if I forgotten what it feels like to be happy.

 

I feel like a fool. As a child I mistakingly believed that following my parents every order and all the issues and problems that weigh the family down will magically be fixed. I was so dependant on my parents that my every decision I would ask my parents for their opinion. When I turned 18, it was as if they thought I would magically become more independent and fix all their problems. This is obviously not the case.

 

One day when I am old in my death bed and look back at my life I don't want to see an entire life filled with regret and frustration at myself. I don't care much for material wealth. At the end of my life, would it really matter how much money I had? I would like to die one day at least in my 70s with my soul unburdened from all my problems. At that time I would to live life to the fullest, and look to my family and friends and see that they too will live happily.

 

When I am at the end of my life, I want to look back into the past and vividly see all my fond memories (like now when I am looking back at my naive childhood when I was too young to realise any problems).

 

My efforts to improve myself has more greatly reinforced recently when I met this girl I really like. She is a strong willed girl who is ambitious (something I am not). Around her, I generally feel more happy and more confident for myself.

 

However if my guesses are correct about her, she seems to very comfortable being single (probably as a result of her ambitions). She wouldn't want to be tied down by a relationship. As much I secretly like and admire her, I shouldn't be so selfish as to try to start a relationship (deep down I feel that I am not ready for a relationship, she probably feels the same way. I just dont want to one day look back and curse myself for missing my opportunity).

 

I just hope that is a possibility in the future, its just that time would also mean that she would move on and I would be left behind. She is like a motivating force to me even though she doesn't realise it. I feel like she has done so much for me and I would like to somehow repay her (there isn't much I can give or do for her).

 

Is this what it feels to be in love? Is love too strong a word to explain my feeling of her? Is this love or infatuation? Am I actually in love with her or in love with a fantasy of her being somewhat of a saviour to all my problems? Is my love and admiration for her a fantasy or is it true love?

 

What would she think when (when not if) she reads my threads? I wish she would know me better (and I know her better). As I have said before, I am not much of a talker. The fastest way to let her know about all my feelings is to tell her my nickname (I feel its only fair, I had read her threads. That is, if I guessed her nickname correctly). However I have posted alot about myself and about how I admire her (and also about my own life) and it would be kinda overwheling for her. I am not ready yet to tell her my nickname (possibly a good time is when this semester is finished, both me and her has less commitments).

 

For now, I am just happy to have her as a friend. For me friendships come and go and I would really like to make my friendship with her really last.

[chris1]

Why is it that you think that you have a lack of ambition? It seems to me like you have plenty. It sounds like (and this is not a criticism) you are scared to go after what you want?

As for this girl, I don't think it's a very good idea to let her read your posts. If she doesn't feel the same way then she will probably be a little bit freaked out and that could easily spell the end of your friendship as you know it. If something is going to happen then it will, otherwise just appreciate her friendship.

[VeryShyGuy]

Why is it that you think that you have a lack of ambition? It seems to me like you have plenty.

 

No, what you think is ambition is merely my wish to be more ambitious. My ambitions like "I wish to live a life without regrets" is somewhat abstract, how do I achieve an ambition like that? The more abstract the ambition, the more uncear it is and the more difficult it is to achieve.

 

It sounds like (and this is not a criticism) you are scared to go after what you want?

True, it is due to my fears that I don't go after I want. Due to my fear of a ruined friendship is why I post my feelings here instead of telling it straight to her. It is fear of people judging me that I rarely mention these feelings (about myself and about her) to anyone in real life.

 

As for telling her about my threads, she seems to be the sort of person that honors friendship. I have no doubt she would read my threads eventually regardless of whether I give her my nickname or not (she would probably guess that it is me as I left plenty of hints in my older threads).

 

With her, I am worried if I have completely misjudged her in my threads and thus ruin our friendship.

[xxbatmanxx]

this is so mysterious, lol just tell her, whats the worst that could happen

[VeryShyGuy]

The worst that could happen is a ruined friendship and feeling regret for the rest of my life for ruining my first potential love.

 

I wish I didn't need this forum to express my thoughts/feelings to her. Actually I have decided not to tell her (not till a long time later).

[chris1]

True, it is due to my fears that I don't go after I want.

 

Apart from "this thing" with "this girl", what exactly are you scared of?

[VeryShyGuy]

I fear that someday I would wind up suffering just like my parents by blindly following their ideals.

 

I fear that one day they will die thinking I didn't do anything worthwhile with my life.

 

I fear falling into a deep depression and pushing everyone I know away from me.

 

I fear overwhelmed by sadness for myself and for my parents.

 

Why is it when ever I feel angered at someone, I generally find myself more angry at myself? I generally try to restain my anger, I believe venting my anger could easily make a bad situation worse then it already is.

 

Why is it when someone feels disappointed in me, I also feel disappointed at myself too?

 

Why is it I feel happy only when my parents are happy and why do I feel sad the rest of the time?

 

Why is it when I truly feel motivated, what I am aiming for is just a slightly beyond my reach?

[chris1]

>I fear that someday I would wind up suffering just like my

>parents by blindly following their ideals.

 

So why follow their ideals? Most of us have a natural respect for

our parents, but what they believe isn't necessarily true,

correct or what's best or right for you. You are not your

parents, you are your own person. You are different to them and

you're living your life in a different time to them. We are all

different and we all need to choose our own path through life. It

doesn't mean that any one of us is right or wrong.

 

>I fear that one day they will die thinking I didn't do anything

>worthwhile with my life.

 

Well that depends on their and your definition of "worthwhile".

What they may consider to be worthwhile is not necessarily what

you consider it to be. In the end it doesn't matter what they

think. The most important thing is to live your life by your own

beliefs, make your own mistakes, create your own success and be

your own person.

 

Why do you feel you need to follow your parent's ideals?

[VeryShyGuy]

It is someting drilled into my head at a young age. From a young age I had a naive belief that following my parents ideals would aid me in resolving all the problems (e.g. debt, stress..etc) in the family.