Are You Sure NC is the Best Choice if You Neglected?

[markie6]

I am sure I recomended NIC ... as there was lots going on that made this seem a little different to most stories. I wouldn't be not responding , just not really initiating. You have to apply what advice resonates with you ... after all you do seem set on a course of action, us internet strangers only get less than 50% of the story with which to work with. You will have to find your own truth from what we suggest and apply that. Only you have to live with any consequences. I wouldn't be ignoring my ex if she called, but my circumstances are different, as are most of ours.

 

There isn't really a right or wrong way.. when you are seriously confused and making matters worse for yourself, NC is by and large the best way forward.

 

LC ... when confused can create the mixed messages you will read so many threads about , NIC would mean replying when approached , keeping it friendly and cordial ( something you seem to struggle with)

 

All you should be doing right now, is working on your issues. We all get confused when we have absolutely no control over our situation.. that's par for the course. If the truth of the matter is, she needs you to sort yourself out and things will be ok, that's what you need to do. Just try and do the improvements for you.... you're the only 1 guaranteed to benefit from them

[eastonweston]

Thanks so much, AutumnBorn and BigSyke for your thoughts and advice.

 

So last night I decided to give her a call while I was walking back to my apartment from dinner with a friend. She answered and actually sounded very happy to hear from me. She was extremely upbeat and you could hear the smile on her face as she answered. We talked for about 30 minutes and it was by far the best conversation we've had since the break up 3 months ago. There was no talk about our relationship, no sadness, no anger, and no rehashing; there was nothing but upbeat, witty, funny, and lighthearted conversation about our lives and what we've been up to.

 

This was my chance to focus on HER, taking keen interest in what she has going on (part of my problem previously was neglect and indifference to her work life & interests). You could tell she was eager to tell me. I also had the opportunity to discuss my life and the activities I'm involved in, without sounding obvious or bragging. You know, my new social activities, interests like Kayaking, boxing, ultimate frisbee, piano, etc.

 

My move to call her on the phone and talk to her for 30 -45 mins was significant for a few reasons:

• It was the first convo we've had without sadness, anger, or rehashing.

• I use to HATE 'chatting' on the phone with her, but she always liked it. It hurt her that i'd always want to get off the phone pretty much as soon as we got on it; now here I am calling HER and enjoying myself , listening to her life.

• We ended the convo with smiles and a natural feeling (not overstaying my welcome by letting awkward silence or "sooo…. I guess I better get going" events happening).

 

 

Here's a question I have for you, AutumnBurn and BigSyke:

I really do get the strong feeling, given all of the signals she's thrown out since the BU (photos still on her apartment walls, google calendar still shared, telling me "i love you very much" at times, hugging, "friends, for now", etc.) that she does in fact want me to get my own life outside of her and go to counseling, yet still lightly pursue her and woo her. She wants to observe changes so that we can be happily together. She didn't leave because of grass-is-greener syndrome, or to have "space to figure my life out," or cheating, etc.

 

However, here is the BIGGEST obstacle that I need advice on: she had admitted to me that she no longer feels emotional attraction to me on a romantic level. She says the spark is gone (she didn't say this last night, but when we were breaking up). She says she knows that I am physically attractive, but she doesn't feel that 'connection' right now.

 

So is it -- and if so, how -- possible to rekinde this spark and attraction? Or if once it's dead, it's dead? How do I know that she doesn't simply enjoy talking to me as friends, and I am going down a horrible path? How do I ensure I don't enter into a friend zone, where she views me as 'fun to talk to, but without an attraction?" How do I exhibit behaviors that will make sure the spark can be reignited, and which behaviors to AVOID so that she doesn't view us as only friends?

 

I agree with BigSyke's opinion that I need to stay mysterious, not always available, push and then pull back. Any other thoughts on this specific topic?

 

We've never really had NC. The longest we've gone without talking was 12 days. I broke it by texting her 'good luck today' on an important day for her. She immediately responded with "Thank you!!! I looked for you in both services (church) yesterday and Facebook stalked you to see if you were out of town or ok." So clearly she noticed the silence and was uncomfortable by it. Does this mean maybe I really should go NC for a little while?

 

Thanks,

 

E.

[eastonweston]

Thanks so much, Markie6. I really value your input, as you know.

 

You did in fact suggest NIC and I felt much, much more comfortable with that as opposed to NC. Do you still stick to NIC's recommendation even knowing that one of her complaints was that I never showed interest in her life, that I took her for granted, and that I refused to chase after her or pursue her or romance her, especially after fights? She ALWAYS had to come to me after a fight, call me 20 times before I answered, knock on my door for 15 minutes, etc. (Yes, I was a ****). In the beginning, SHE pursued ME. I have NEVER 'courted' her and I think she hated the role reversal. She made that clear.

 

In this case, would lightly 'chasing her' by reaching out once every two weeks and being positive, caring, and upbeat be a better choice? I don't know man, this is tough....

 

E.

[markie6]

Yeah if you were scared of her taking it the wrong way , you could go extremely light contact, always be replying, cordialy and without dragging up anyting that should be staying burried. I am concerned that the lack of control you will feel , will get worse and make you more uneasy. Once we establish, she holds all the cards ( the golden rule... she who has the gold, makes the rules) at the moment , you need to be focussing on your issues that have brought you here.

 

I'd be more focussed on what you can definitely achieve, working on you... for you .You getting another chance is well, let's be fair, that is up in the air, lap of the gods territory. We can always be hopeful and positive about our chances, I just don't want to see you go through a metamorphosis , changing yourself with the only intention of getting her back.

 

Checking in every so often , would imho in your particular circumstances seem ok , but you are going to have to make sure if you go down that route, you must not be making any silly mistakes that remind her that you are not changing. Fortnightly would seem ok, light and friendly....but don't over do it. You do keep in touch via cyberspace too etc. It does depend on how much damage you did with the neglect etc.... and how she reacts to your contact when it happens.

 

It's going to be trial and error , play it as it goes if your main worry is she will take it all the wrong way. Ignoring can work for you and against you. I would have definitely tried for a period of NC ..before you got to this point though that is something that can really help at BU +1 ..gives you clarity and establishes a little control over yourself. Most ex's would be ok with this , you're going to end up dealing with whichever way you see fit anyway now. Truth be told, most people arrive here, just a little too late. The damage they have done leaves little room for manouveur.. which is why most will point to NC as best.... but no plan is foolproof.

 

No dragging up the past , no temper and no reaction to the lack of control you will feel, that's about all I will suggest. How bad your behaviour was , well only she can really tell what would make that good.

 

Best of luck though

[BigSyke]

Easton we really are almost in the same predicament, all the way down to me not wanting to talk on the phone with her during our relationship. Welcome to the new rollercoaster ride, as this phase is extremely frustrating, and almost too easy to lose everything you've gained so far in positive report. Don't get too excited at this phase, but stay determined that everything you do/say from here on out will be evaluated in her mind. As in my situation, same thing. One day she will be texting me things like how I should check out her new house, or grab dinner on a specified date, but when that date rolls around...nothing. Its up's and downs, and it makes you read into the situation almost too much. You have to remember how you're projecting yourself to her, so your not being that emotional support she may need once a week, or slowly working your way into the friend zone. Jumping into the friend zone is easy if your always available. Maintain NIC/LC...but just like working out, toss in a little NC from time to time, aka ignore her for a day or two...maybe a week -to throw her off. Assume she is always reading into your every action at this point, so chose your execution wisely.

 

My Ex only wants to be friends. So I have to chose what to ignore, and what to respond to. "Why are all these wh**'s posting on your facebook?" -Ignore. This does nothing but trigger past negative experiences with any answer given. "Why have you been ignoring me?" - respond 2 days later, Sorry I had a project due before I flew out to Vegas, maybe we can grab a bite to eat when I get back.....or something along that line. She will probably be like F that for a day or two, however she WILL wonder why you went to Vegas, and what you did....you say nothing about it, except show pictures.

 

The spark not being there is also what I'm facing as well. I do know I never gave her a shot because I always felt I deserved much better. She didn't feel like she could get a guy like me, and now at this present day, it feels like I have no chance. Weird. She fell out of lust/love with the guy she knew as ME, thus the only way I can possibly reignite a spark is to completely change the way I talk, project myself, body language, the way I answer questions...literally everything that would remind her of me before we broke up has to change. Trying to be that guy she begged for all this time wont do me any good. Trying to do that will most definitely trigger the "too late" card. IF she knows I'm in pursuit, this gives her a solid foundation to move on faster, knowing she still has a bed to sleep in. I'll never answer the phone unless I'm doing something cool, that way I have a good exit strategy used for building up things to talk about at a later date. I have to project myself as someone who is leaving her in the dust. A one man Wolfpack who's next next move could be Vegas or China. I'm no longer that cute puppy dog she see's in the window at the pet store that nobody really buys. I'm someone who's life is suddenly full of awesome. Trust me you WILL figure out how to get that spark back, just make sure you are emotionally stable, and remain consistent throughout this time....if any of this even makes sense, i'm sure it will eventually.

 

I know every situation is different....and this isn't anything you should do. It's a waiting game now, and I hope you aren't waiting around. Find some cool s*** to do, and pray she wants to know about it, make sure you can back it up though. I'm only trying to give out motivation and spark new Idea's you may be looking for.

[eastonweston]

If the ex has WELCOMED communication by the dumpee - by answering an unschedule phone call to her home at 10PM and her being audibly surprised and happy to hear from him, willingly speaking for 45 minutes about life, and had mentioned shortly after the breakup that they "want to be friends, for now" and "need 6-8 months apart to see changes" and "wants to meet for coffee every two weeks" to catch up, I think NC isn't the way to go.

 

NC seems to be a way to deal with a breakup if you aren't emotionally strong enough to deal with interacting with your ex and POSSIBLY facing rejection. To me, if you can handle it, be cool about it, make changes WHILE doing light communication, that is the way to go. My opinion. We'll see if it actually works.

 

E.

[AutumnBorn]

E., love has tides, like the ocean. The spark is the initial attraction, not love. Love is something much deeper, more secure, not a rush of excitement. Don't worry about the hormones settling down for her. It can return. I know this from personal experience with my former husband. (I lost my attraction to him at various times in our relationship, it returned, he lost his attraction to me, and it has returned, albeit much too late.)

 

The call last night sounds like a very good turn of events. You should be very proud of yourself for keeping it light, too, making it easy to talk with you. She must feel encouraged.

 

If love is war, I think you need to go nuclear. That means using every tool and trick available to you because the victor gets the spoils of war and writes history. The loser...um...loses.

 

Here are some ways I think you can reignite her spark. She doesn't feel the spark for the guy she knew, so you have to show her the new you. In addition to treating her like you want her, I think you need to use all her senses to help her regain what was lost. Sight, smell, touch, sound, even taste.

 

Sight: Subtle changes that will register on a lower level to indicate to her you're not who you were, that you've changed. Could be anything or many small things - from hair to shoes. Very important: Make sure your hands are always clean. When a woman sees oil or dirt under a man's nails, she doesn't want him touching her. It's something visual that a guy wouldn't think of but it matters to the vast majority of women. It reads "see, I'm clean, it's safe for me to touch you". Dirty, rough hands send the message that the guy is dirty, unclean, unfit to touch her, unsuccessful.

 

Sound: Use her name when you speak to her.

 

Smell: Wear a soft smelling cologne or after shave, but only a little, something she'd have to be close to you to smell. It's powerful on a psychological level. You should make sure you're always impeccably well groomed - your breath, hair, skin, clothes should always look good and smell fresh. (Here's a link to learn more about the psychology of scent: link removed)

 

Touch: Touch her arm when you talk to her. Give her a hug when you leave her, but nothing that would be construed as sexual. You're Mr. Polite from here on out. (You want her, she knows it, so it's up to her now.)

 

Taste: Your first "date", needs to include something to consume. Ice cream, coffee, something you can smell and taste so you can share whatever you order with her, so be sure to let her order first then order something different. Tell her it tastes great, ask her to try it. It's intimate eating with someone, familial.

 

To sum it up, contact to be limited to twice per week. You want to have something to talk about and you should be doing interesting things which give you something to talk about with her. You need to shake everything that she thinks she knows about you up. She's rejected the old you. You've got to prove to her that you're not the guy she thinks you are. And, I've got to say again, good call on the phone. Light and happy. But, I'd leave her wanting more. Try to hang up first, tell her it's been great talking to her, but you have to run (hopefully to something interesting or surprising, but don't tell her what).

 

I'd read Al Turtle's relationship blog. It's a crash course in relationship counseling. I think Al could have even saved my marriage if I'd found it when I was married. Start with "What To Do When He/She Leaves You and read the whole thing. It's the best relationship sight out there. Here's the link:

 

link removed

[Trinity11]

Ok so my thought process is not clearest, i am picking out things you have written...then writing thoughts then I will go back and read the post as a whole...and then you will get my thought soup.

 

Observations

Sounds like you always like to be right and won't apologize when you are not for fear of losing face. You are competitive.

I see you want to say you are sorry. But that won't cut the bacon. Sorry is not good enough, I am sure you have said it before, meant it but not done anything to improve the situation.

 

As for your jealousy etc. I have been with a jealous man and trust me that is the QUICKEST way to lose someone. More often than not the person is the most honest and loyal person you could be with. WHY are you so bent on this idea? Is it a past relationship?

While i was at uni (long ago) i dated a guy and i thought he was the bees knees, motivated, good looking, loved food I just thought he was the best. Then one day we were out and i was standing in a circle with all my friends at a festival (i just rushed up and joined in to say hi) and held hands with the two ppl beside me. One of those people is a long term male friend who i would NEVER hook up with. Behind me i could hear aggressive nattering. I turned around once i had figured out and said 'if you have something to say, just say it' I was FURIOUS. He was making comment about the one guy on my left who was nothing more than a friend (and still is) This led to him going through my emails and phone etc when I nxt stayed at his house. Once was enough for me and i can say the fury that was inside me was scary. I am the LAST person i the world who would cheat.It was so RIDICULOUS!! I just dont get it. If you arent into someone anymore and want to play with someone else. Just end it.

 

Soooooo wow...guess that still gets me going. Anyway. If you are controlling, buddy that is your number 1 things to sort out.

 

Girls like to be chased (if you have read my posts...)yup we like it..not to be confused with clingy emo guys. Confidence in flirting, organizing activities, showing knowledge and interesting aspects of personality. Generally connecting with a girl and making her feel good.

 

 

I think the best thing you can do is keep reading or doing whatever it is that makes you focus on becoming a better person. Perhaps going full NC for some time might be beneficial to really focus on yourself.

You need to show her you understand her

'you said this and i thought about this occasion where you were right and this is what i should have done instead'

 

I think if you were to go NC, given what she said about you running when she felt you should be there for her ,it seems like you are giving her the impression, at least in her mind that she is not worth fighting for.

 

You need to explain what you see to be wrong in the relationship, how you are going to try and make changes and that you need time alone to clear your head so that a a new better relationship can happen. If she can understand that you really want to do everything to have a better relationship with her, she will be more willing to cut all contact with you for awhile. DO NOT USE NC TO GAIN CONTROL

 

You could sit down and ask her what her ideal relationship would be. Not her ideal man, but relationship. After she tells you, you do the same. Answer honestly. See if you want the same things...or if you do, but there are things you both could do to help improve your relationship then make an action plan. And by hell, stick to it.

 

 

Sorry if this is disjointed....I am at work and am trying to write about this situation with...good information but not a lot of information.

 

Ps sounds like you may have a chance if you play your cards right. So play carefully and with a full heart