Improvising time vs. schedule time

[cadmiumblue]

And if that time comes and one person doesn't want to, that will be disappointing for both people, I think.

 

Sorry if I seem uptight. I'm actually really not.

[mhowe]

The sex itself is not a routine - sometimes when it occurs is planned -there's a big difference. People plan for spontaneity all the time -how else does a surprise party happen? Or a vacation to a new city where you know you want certain days to just wander around but you also want to make sure you see what you came to see?

 

I agree. There are nites when one or the other of us is too tired...but when "date nite" rolls around, we both know how the nite will end --- and it has the extra bonus of knowing that all day long. Like the Heinz catchup ad.....anticipation!!!

[Batya33]

And if that time comes and one person doesn't want to, that will be disappointing for both people, I think.

 

Sorry if I seem uptight. I'm actually really not.

 

There will always be some disappointments in a serious, healthy relationship. If you avoid planning sex because of the risk that one person might not be in the mood (and so not in the mood that nothing can change it) then the downside is that you might be disappointed by the infrequency of sex if too many times when you both are in the mood other responsibilities (family, work, etc) get in the way or make it basically impossible. Of course the couple can decide never to have children or take care of ailing family members or any other responsibilities where you have to be "on call" at night for example but obviously that has its downsides too.

[cadmiumblue]

Yeah, I don't want kids, ever, so all this "too tired from the kids" stuff doesn't really apply to me.

[Batya33]

Yeah, I don't want kids, ever, so all this "too tired from the kids" stuff doesn't really apply to me.

 

Then also make sure that neither of you is a caregiver for an elderly parent who might need sudden or around the clock "on call" care.

 

It's not about being too tired from kids -I was responding to your point about spontaneity - if your child is awake and under a certain age I doubt most parents will tell the child to "go play" so mommy and daddy can be together- getting a babysitter requires planning (as does waiting for the child to go to sleep). Same with being any kind of caregiver or in a career situation where you might get an emergency call or be "on call" certain nights -so don't marry a physician, or someone in a similar career with that kind of schedule. Certainly not just about kids.

[cadmiumblue]

Nope, I'm not a caregiver. Luckily my grandparents are in their 70s and take good care of themselves, and my mom is in her 50s and not showing any signs of needing that kind of care. I'm lucky, I can't imagine how hard it would be for people with parents who are unable to care for themselves. That sucks. I don't know how I'd have a relationship with someone whose parents were in that situation, either.

[april15]

Life happens, you adjust or .... not. In some situations you need to be creative and sometimes a schedule may be a creative solution to keeping that intimacy in difficult, busy times.

[Batya33]

Nope, I'm not a caregiver. Luckily my grandparents are in their 70s and take good care of themselves, and my mom is in her 50s and not showing any signs of needing that kind of care. I'm lucky, I can't imagine how hard it would be for people with parents who are unable to care for themselves. That sucks. I don't know how I'd have a relationship with someone whose parents were in that situation, either.

 

Hey -we all limit our dating pool because of personal preferences so it's good that you know you don't want children and are reluctant to get involved with someone who might end up being, or want to be, a caregiver to elderly parents. The latter is a bit harder to control for but I suppose it could be someone whose parents have passed away or who would not make caregiving a priority. As far as your mother I hope she continues to be in great health of course but you never know whether or when she might need that kind of care.

[cadmiumblue]

Honestly, at my age it would be seriously depressing to date someone whose parents are in that state. I'm still young enough that I want to have fun and that would be unpleasant to deal with.

 

I'm surprised you bring up having to care for parents because most people my age don't even think about that. It's not that common, in my experience.

[Batya33]

Honestly, at my age it would be seriously depressing to date someone whose parents are in that state. I'm still young enough that I want to have fun and that would be unpleasant to deal with.

 

I'm surprised you bring up having to care for parents because most people my age don't even think about that. It's not that common, in my experience.

 

It doesn't have to be just parents - my friend married someone who cares for his brother, people's parents can get early alzheimers or cancer - obviously I don't mean to be negative or bring up such depressing subjects but if you are thinking of marriage or a similarly long term commitment I would do so with eyes wide open which means that you also are getting involved with the person's family -and if the person you are marrying/committing to is family oriented then I would assume he would want to care for his loved ones if they needed it - and all this is related to this general topic of scheduling because when you're in a serious, long term relationship you might have to compromise spontaneity in aspects like sex (or going on spontaneous trips or other forms of spontaneity) in favor of scheduling because of your partner's responsibilities at work, with family, whatever. If you're not prepared to be flexible and compromise then if I were you I'd stick to casual dating.