Cant stop thinking of past and thinking negatively

[GoDevil]

We've been together about six months and had a few problems along the way, but they are always just the way we react to each other. We are getting better at that.

I have a big problem though. Fairly recently I found out that she had been with 2 guys at once a few years back. This was way before I even met her but when she told me I was completely crushed. It made me look at her in disgust and now any time she initiates intimacy I am turned off and think of her as a slut. It makes me think that she is this sexual deviant who couldn't go a week without sex if we were to break up. On the other hand, if i am feeling in the mood and initiate something, it is absolutely incredible... in the car, on the floor, wherever. Completely passionate and intense.

It's just that when she really gets into stuff and starts talking dirty, or afterwards says "well that's something I've never done before", I just start thinking that she is dirty and is surprised when there's something we do that she hasn't tried before. When she talks dirty it makes me think sex isn't special to her, that it's only for pleasure. Why am i so critical of her and her past? I am working on my own issues relating to self-esteem etc. because I know much of it starts there, but what do I do to get rid of the anger and resentment that arises in these situations?? Please help!

[toolgirl150]

oh sweetie - I'm going to put it to you bluntly - you got a few issues, honey!

 

That being said - i do understand where you are coming from with this. I too have a hard time dealing and listening to escapades from the past.

 

Example, when my exhusband revealed some sort of odd thing he did years ago while on a club med cruise. It wasnt' necessarily that sexual, but trust me, it was odd. It stuck in my brain for a long time. I eventually got over it and let it go. But I learned one thing out of that. I do not need full disclosures from people I am having a relationship. Maybe for the future - you and your signifigant other don't need to reveal everything. It serves no purpose and can just raise tension. Love each other in the present and the future and chock it up as "experience" that you can now enjoy.

 

But to your present situation. That knowledge is hurting your relationship. It is apparent that you are passionate for this woman and you love her. But her escapades bother you. I'm taking your older and she is not your first. Guess what - people have pasts - don't always do things that are considered perfect and I bet you have a few skeletons in your closet too. My suggestion is to talk to her about it and tell her how much this knowledge bothers you and makes you feel insecure, blah blah blah. Maybe by talking about it, you can start to get past it. Maybe she could even help you feel better, maybe she would reassure you that you are the one for her, regardless of her past.

 

If you still feel stuck - I would suggest maybe a few therapy sessions to iron it out. Everybody needs a tune up now and then. You need to clear up your jealousy issues, your feelings that she is "dirty" - that will distroy your relationship. How do you think she would feel if she knew you thought she was "dirty"? I bet she would be devestated. Work on this hon, talk to her. Remember nobody is perfect. We all have done things we are less than proud of. Hindsight is 20/20. Do what I do - don't ask and don't tell. Just skip the subject all together. There us generally no reason for people your involved with to give you details of their past. Vague generalities work fine for me!

 

Don't let something in the past hurt a good thing in the present.

[juno]

Well, first, find out if she loves you. If she doesnt then you'll get really hurt. Sex can make a powerful connection between the two of you. But that bond can easily be broken if you question her past. If she loves you she'll discover u are the one to have sex with. Dont be jelous of her past she chose u to have sex with. But be careful sex doesn't mean love. Protect your feelings. Or enjoy a ralationship based on sex. The question here is What do you want?. The whole package or just sex?. Does she go after you or you go after her?. Luck.

[brandos lovechild]

hiya godevil . firstly, toolgirl is wrong, you don't have issues! i bet 99% of guys out there wud see their gf differently if they found out about a threesome, so don't go thinking you are a jealous or insecure person. I'm not usually one of those guys that says " talk 2 her, tell her your feelings" but in this situation, i really think you have to tell her what you are going through, and hopefully she can put your fears to rest. though it's not really her fault, she needs to give you same major ego massaging. good luck.[/url]

[GoDevil]

Thanks for your replies, they really help. I've been thinking and I think the thing that really gets me is that we went to dinner with a few of her friends a couple of months back, and I later found out that one of the guys there was in her threesome. For some reason it just seems really disrespectful to me that she brings me along to this thing before I know the truth about what happened... she is still friends with the guy apparently and was at the time as well.. it was some kind of friendship based sexual threesome with her and two guys (sounds like a ridiculous concept to me, friends having a 3some) I might be off here but it just really bothers me... it seems so insulting to me that she would take me to dinner with some guy she had a 3-way with before, while her and I are in this deeply loving committed relationship. It scares me to think what she is capable of now. I guess I am worried that she would do it again. She has told me she doesn't regret doing it. A 3some with her and 2 guys makes me think she has no respect for sex at all.

[toolgirl150]

Woah - the more info you get, the more things become clear.

 

And I will try to avoid getting in a flame war with brando's lovechild...

 

In my previous post, I was referring to any situaitons that were in the past and you didn't know any of them.

 

But since it sounds like its all recent history AND she is still in contact with them AND you meet them. That's too much. Big difference between "oh, I was in a weird threesome 5 years ago and I was drunk and you don't know any of them...." and "I was in a threesome last year, it was really hot and oh, this is Mike".

 

No way. I officially retract my you've got issues comments. If you were still fuming over something long ago that she doesn't do any more or not throwing it in your face, than yeah, but this sound different.

 

I gotta agree - you HAVE to talk to her. Your not getting the respect you deserve. It sounds like sex to her is not that important. You and her are on different pages.

[Dee Dee]

Break off this relationship, or accept it just for what it is. You main attractions seems to focus of passion and sex. Once she has been with two men at the same time, she is apt to do it again. You will always wonder. It will never work out, particularly since you are turned off by her vulgar language during the act.

[brandos lovechild]

jeez, i'm not surprised you are so p issed off at this girl. I think this girl is a little dangerous .. i really can't think of anything too positive to say, perhaps you should keep this relationship purely sexual from now on, there is a huge respect deficit..in terms of her lack of it for you! In some small way i'm sure she realises her behaviour is unacceptable,but has decided to be aggressive in her resistance instead of backing down and admitting fault. ermm.. get out of it bro,while you still got some self esteem and she hasn't got you ripping your hair out yet. all that can lead from this,is her continuing to diss you,and you deteriorating in health. good luck

[Jamesth]

I've just read over your problem and i know EXACTLY how you feel. I have been with my girlfriend over a year now and when we first met i found out everything about her past. She had slept with loads of people and had a threesom. I was soooo upset and i didn't think i could cope with the jealsoy. I have never been a jealos person but the thought of her doing that made me sick and put me right off.

I am still with her but that is because she never see's anyone that she's been with and she tells me that she deeply regrets her past and wishes she met me when she was younger.

Now the difference is your girl has brought you to out and introduced you to her ex-sex partner which in my eyes is bang out of order.. would you do that to her?

I suggest you do what i did and litteratly lay the cards on the table with her, tell her it hurts to think about her past and you need to sort it out. Tell her that if she wants you then she has to cut of all her ties with ex-lovers. I did this and she chose me, since then she never ever meets or even talks about ex-lovers or whatever you want to call them.

Trust me, lay out the cards, tell her how you feel and what you want and go from there, if she is not willing to do what you say, get rid of her and forget her. Don't worry about being alone someone more sutable WILL come along. Good luck with it buddy, let me know if you need any help.

James

[Momene]

A lot of people fantasise about 3-somes and it comes up a lot on the BBC board. Most who try it never do it again. Also many people in England have promiscuous pasts, yet manage to settle into monogamous relationships later on.

 

I can understand how hard it is when she's still in contact with the blokes concerned.

[Randomperson]

When I was 18, I dated a 23yr old girl. Only after we first started going out and first had sex did I learn that she was bisexual, had had multiple threesomes--one was very recent--she didn't regret any of this. The most humiliating experience was when she took me to the home of one of her boytoys--a 16yr old--to give him a birthday present.

 

That happened 9 years ago, and I was really emotionally tramautized by the entire experience. I had recently lost my virginity, and I had sexuality being used so aggressively by this older and more experienced woman to make me feel petty and inferior. I broke down, and was quite angry for a few years afterwards. I'm still angry at her for her selfishness, and all women who are such selfish hedonists.

 

Long story short: People need to be nice to each other, and enjoy life in moderation. My current wife is just such a person, and she brings me immense happiness. If you're in a relationship like the ones spoken of in this thread, get out and find someone who will respect you. Only then can you respect yourself.

[fairydust]

the bottom line is that you've judged her on her past (because it's not squeaky clean like yours) which has now made you not trust her. we all have different sexual tastes and we've all done stuff that we may or may not do again.

 

she should have pre warned you about meeting a past conquest. but it may be so irrelevant to her (yes shock horros..women can just have sex without emotions these days)...that she may have just not thought it important.

 

what you need to do is decide whether you and her share the same morals and whether she can give you what you need. but if you truly like this girl stop focussing on her past and concentrate on now!!! remember that you are the one making an issue out of this....it's up to you.

[alain77ring]

just ask urself if ur happy with her inspite of the that flaws she had...

think of ur memories not on her past..

[Dove]

Hello Everyone,

 

I am having the same problem as the guy in the above with the girlfriend having a threesome except the fact that I am in the opposite position. I have things in my past that I am not proud of and my boyfriend knows about all of them. He found emails from me to other guys from the past so he knows every detail. I do not keep in contact with any of these people and haven't now for some time. My problem is that my past really bothers my boyfriend and he thinks about it often. Many situations remind him of my past whether or not it is really related to my past. His mind seems to wander a lot and speculate on things that I have done when the truth is I haven't. So, basically, I am looking for any advice to help make it easier on him. I am willing to do whatever it takes. Its even to the point where he has nightmares about it and it hurts me so much to know he is hurting.

 

Thank you.

[midnightrambler]

it is something he is going to figure out for himself

[Dove]

Midnightrambler,

 

Well, we live together and spend a lot of time together so when he is bothered I know it and he brings things up and we talk about it. Our talking doesn't ususally get us very far...

 

He knows that he want to be with me, but he's having a hard time getting ove the past... it hasn't been very long and I know he is really trying, but I want to help him. I always feel like I should be doing more, but I don't know what to do.....????

[repto]

Godevil,

 

I'm in the same situation as you. Been with my gf for 6 months now. This being a problem we both have, I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me how your relationship has been going with this issue. Are you guys still dating? Are your feelings under control? Are you happy in the relationship?

 

Appreciate it very much!