Mixed Messages

[JT4266]

Apologize in advance for the long post...

 

I started seeing a girl about a month a half ago and things happened tonight which are kind of leaving me at a loss. At 31 I'm not prone to moving too fast but things just clicked with this girl(she's 30) and we quickly became exclusive and within the last week told each other that we love each other. Both of us were a little shocked how fast it went but agreed that it felt natural and not rushed.

 

So she's been stressed at work and had a big issue come up today that made her upset so I told her on my way back to my apartment I would stop by her office and we could grab a cup of coffee just so she could get out of the office. Everything seemed fine until tonight when she texted me saying that she was thinking a lot and wondering if she was biting off more than she could chew. So I gave her a call and she talked about how with work lately she hasn't had time to do the things she loved to do over the summer when she was single - read a lot, go for runs, etc. Obviously this distressed me but I tried to just be nice and chalk it up to stress and the conversation returned to our normal conversation and we talked about our trip to Boston this weekend for my friend's wedding and trying to find a place to stay on airbnb(you rent out someones apartment).

 

So I had been going back and forth with a few people about renting their apartment for the weekend and was discussing a particular place with my gf and I guess I mentioned that the girl renting the place was cute. Nothing was said about it until we hung up when she texted me that she was annoyed with me. I of course asked why and she told me that upset her and this is where background is helpful - I had a previous long term relationship where I was dishonest and went on a few dates with another girl before the relationship ended. I had told my gf this as I vowed to be totally honest after that and she said this made her think of that and it bothered her. Totally fair I suppose. She said it makes her question us and possibly not trust me. Again fair - I can't question how something makes her feel.

 

She declined to speak to me after that - she was texting me all of this and even let my call go to voicemail. Not cool.

She has told me that when upset she withdraws so I suppose not a total surprise. But I obviously am having trouble sleeping with all of this and I'm wondering what to make of all of this. Part of me thinks that she is questioning whether she wants to be in a relationship(with me or at all). Maybe that's just her stress from work. But maybe she took a fairly innocuous comment and took it further to seek justification for that feeling of questioning the relationship.

 

I'm almost 32, not looking to play games, and know what I want. I'm not happy right now.....

 

Just venting and any input would be appreciated.

[Purusha]

Sounds to me like she's freaking out a bit - it may be that as you guys moved so quickly she's doubting how much she knows you and can trust you, and may be analysing things quite a lot (you may know you've changed, however she doesn't live inside of your head so can only trust her judgement). If she's not answering your calls, it may be best to leave her a message expressing how you feel and what you want and leave her to make the next move, she may just need some time to think things through.

 

It may well be that she's been in relationships when the first flush of love is wonderful, and then goes wrong and you later realise that you didn't know the person as well as you should - this is a lesson I've learned and may be something that's making her back off a bit. Our perspectives at the start can be somewhat skewed and this may be why she's withdrawing a bit.

 

It does sound to me though that it might be wise to slow things down a bit so that you can get to know each other better before roaring off into the next stage.

 

Hope it all works out!

[blueshoes]

It's a good thing that she is in touch with her feelings, knowing that she's missing having time to herself. It means that she won't rely on you too much and become too clingy. Or maybe she knows that she has a tendency to do that in relationships and wants to keep it in check? Either way, it's important to respect that and give her that freedom. It doesn't mean not calling her or spending time together, but maybe limiting that time.

 

I speak from experience as someone who becomes attached to guys way too quickly. I have cliche childhood abandonment issues which I've come to terms with and am striving to be my own person again in a relationship that happened very quickly and intensely.

 

Just curious, why did you feel the need to mention this girl you might rent the apartment from is cute? She may very well be, just seems an odd thing to bring up with your girlfriend. Maybe it was just a careless moment you didn't think about.

 

I like Purusha's advice, leaving her a message or writing her a note that you could drop off at her house.

[JT4266]

I can understand that she was extremely stressed and questioning everything in her life me included. And it was an extraordinarily stupid comment by me that added on top of what she was already feeling. I'm hoping she reaches out to me today, not sure if I should reach out to her. BUT the problem is we are supposed to go to Boston tomorrow and I was going to book something today......which means giving each other some space is difficult at this particular time.

 

Leaving a note isn't realistic in Manhattan but I will write her an email today if I don't hear from her.