WHATS WITH THE PERSONALITY CHANGE??

[lillady898]

My boyfriend lately has been nasty... And I mean NASTY. Too nasty. Being in a long-distance relationship while he's at college (where he once cheated on me while he was drunk...) doesn't help either. He doesn't call anymore. He admitted to ignoring my calls for no reason. When I have a bad day he doesn't care. He'd rather be making sick noises into the phone or eating and just "listening." He never says anything nice. Not that I need someone feeding me compliments, but it's the fact that he used to and now doesn't. I know he's capable of being the guy I feel so in love with. He's just not. He's also been calling my friends nasty names out of nowhere. I was just talking about hanging out with someone he called my best friend (and she actually thinks she gets along with him) a nasty name.

 

I don't know what hurts worse. Him cussing me out on the phone and calling me a "crazy [PROFANITY REMOVED BY MODERATOR]," or him saying he doesn't think he's been mean lately. And not feeling remorse at all for the mean things.

 

When I tried talking about he either tells me he "hasn't been nice but hasn't been mean," to stop nagging (I've only brought it up twice, and all I did was say he was hurting my feelings at that point), to chill out (as if its no big deal and I'm overreacting), or that he has to go (completely avoiding the situation).

 

I haven't done anything. He's just been weird lately. I always remind him how much I love him, care about him, and miss him. I even made him a card the other day.

 

Oh, and he also used to always say "I love you" before getting off the phone... Not anymore. Although he claims that, yeah, he still cares about and loves me.

 

How can I get it through his head that he's hurting me?? He's so stubborn! I just don't know what to do! Thanks for any help!

 

P.S. Our past isn't very fantastic so if I'm just acting paranoid, I have reasons... He broke up with me THREE times in July, got drunk and cheated on me within 3 days of being away at college, quit drinking 5 times because he gets too crazy (which he never pulled through with), talked about ALL of his problems at a time when there was a close relative die in my family (and he had the oppurtunity to get a ride with a friend who was comforting my family, but didn't because he had "important things to do."), he selffishly made me cry on a family vacation my family took him on with us (which costed an extra thousand dollars for him to go), etc... My brother is not to fond of him now.

[hurtbylove]

What is good about him then?

 

Sometimes, after doing all you can and things don't change, just leave it at that.

 

Why are you still in this relationship?

 

He is probably taking you for granted. Why don't you make some demands?

 

I think it's best for you to just walk away from this one, it just isn't worth it if you aren't being appreciated.

[lillady898]

Our relationship is awesome... If you set the problems aside. When he cared and acted like it... And when we're hanging out in person especially. I never feel so happy than the moments he'll sing me a song or pull me close to him, telling me how much he loves me. I love our happy moments. He's hilarious, too. He does the funniest and quirkiest things. I just love the little things he does when everything is perfect... You know? I guess that's just why it hurts when he's not like that.

[Scout]

I'm sorry, but your boyfriend sounds like one of the biggest jerks I've heard described on eNotalone. It is not normal to treat a girlfriend the way he is treating you.

 

I think you know in your heart he's being this nasty to provoke a break-up because he's a) too spineless to stick to it when he initiaties it and b) he's also someone who enjoys being emotionally abusive.

 

Treat yourself with some much needed self-respect. Dump this guy.

[Serendipity1607307077]

As far as I can see, you don't really need to be with him. To me it seems that you have put up with a lot from him. If my boyfriend had cheated on me I wouldn't have even taken him back...

 

Get out of it - you can find someone better who will treat you like a real person!

[mahlina]

Seriously. I agree with all of the above posters! Why stay with this guy? He is only taking you for granted. If anything, he sounds like he's more in love with himself than he is with you.

 

This is what I learned about love: Love is given and not asked for.. You do not have to ask him to treat you right. If his actions aren't showing you that he loves you, then dump him. Do not settle for less! You deserve better. Think about how he would be like as a 'long-term' partner. If he's not treating you right in the beginning, or in any other stages of the relationship, then he probably won't change. Trash this guy! He is NOT worth it. Anyone who is going to disrespect you, by taking you for granted, is not worth your time at all. Keep on telling yourself this: "He is not worth it!"

 

I can't stand people who mistreat others. I especially cannot stand people who take others for granted. It just shows how much of a complete snob they really are! Don't give him the time of day. Get to know other people, and call it a break for now. Until he makes an effort to prove to you that he is worthy of your love, then welcome him back. But if he doesn't, then give him the hand =; , and let it be. Kick him off to the side of the curb! 8) Sometimes, we just have to walk away from relationships empty handed. We just have to bite our lips, and accept the truth for what it is. I am sure that you will find someone 10x's better! Have faith in yourself. I know you will. Hang in there girl. - Mahlina

[SecondChance]

I think one important thing to look at is the PATTERN in your boyfriend's behavior. It's NOT NORMAL to go from one extreme to another - to be "perfect" and "awesome" one day, and then mean, nasty and UNREMORSEFUL about it the next.

In addition, you say that this isn't the first time he's been nasty. He's been mean before, so I am definitely seeing a pattern. Sure, there are good times - when he's sweet and loving and makes you feel like you're the most special person on earth. BUT, it sounds like he eventually cycles, for whatever reason, into someone hurtful and abusive.

SO, I think he might need to get some professional help. But you can't do that for him. YOU, I think, either need to tell him to get some counseling or the relationship is over, OR just break it off.

There ARE men out there who are just as sweet and loving as your boyfriend is during his "good times." I know it may be hard to see that right now, because you DO love your boyfriend. But this really appears to me to be an abusive cycle - for both of you. I think you may have to be the strong one and end it, if he can't.

[OceanEyes]

When I have a bad day he doesn't care. He'd rather be making sick noises into the phone or eating and just "listening." He never says anything nice.

 

Some people will tell you he's a jerk (which he sounds to be sometimes), but he honestly just sounds like a very immature guy who still has years of growing up to do. The sick noises in the phone thing is your first indication that you are dating a guy who is still a child - not aware of how immature and inconsiderate he is. And it doesn't seem like you talking to him is making a difference either. I don't think he's a jerk, he's still a boy my dear, sorry to say!

 

I honestly wouldn't waste much of my time with him if I were you. I know this is always easier said than done, but I've dated a guy like this and can tell you first-hand that it gets worse, not better. The way he keeps dumping you, then calling you back, the lack of interest in what you have to say, etc., they are all signs of a guy who just isn't developed or mature enough to have a relationship with you, especially a long-distance one.

 

The guy that I dated even started calling me names in front of his friends, shmoozing with other girls while I was next to him, getting drunk and arguing with me (abusively) about something really stupid, etc. The list goes on. At first I thought I loved him, but as soon as I got rid of him I felt more relieved than I ever have in my entire life. Trust me girl, childish boys don't understand you yet because you've obviously grown up faster than he has. So it's either wait around until he does grow up (or until the next time he dumps you), or kick his immature butt to the curb and stop worring and crying over him.

[arwen]

For starters, where is your selfrespect? If you let yourself be treated this way, it's impossible also for him to have any respect for you. He has cheated on you (drunk ok, better than sober but it's still cheating), he has broke up with you 3 times in a month, and you still say that your relationship is perfect IF you put the problems aside. I don't understand that. What is LEFT if you put these problems aside?

 

Show him your selfworth and dump the guy. He is not worth the trouble, it seems.

 

good luck,

 

Ilse

[i know it]

he cheated on you once? id say hes probably doing it again...i dont mean to be rash or anything and dont take this too seriously but id say hes trying to get you to break up with him so he doesnt have to tell you about another girl and go through the trouble oh you getting that much more pissed off

[lillady898]

Well, Friday I was talking to him and he said he was really just unhappy with where our relationship was going. He said he can't get over the fact that he cheated on me, we've been arguing too much (to a point where he doesn't feel like putting in effort to make it work), he doesn't have enough time, and it seems like he's a terrible boyfriend no matter how much he tries. We were on the brink of breaking up.

 

However, I kept my cool. It was work, but I kept my cool. It's tough knowing that he wasn't going to put any effort into making things work. But we talked about it. I let him give his reasoning and I gave him mine. Although, neither of us could convince eachother of anything other than our own opinions (we are both stubborn, which is why we sometimes but heads). We did come to the conclusion, however, we would give it a try.

 

I have the habit of not letting him get off the phone when he wants. I like the long, extravegant good-byes and he likes the choppy, sudden ones. Which causes some friction. I'm working on that. And I never want to get off the phone (I'm a big talker with him). But I'm working on that. And I've actually ended the conversations today. Which, in return, made HIM actually call ME. It's like solving all our problems. We haven't faught the past 3 days. He hasn't gotten angry and neither have I. Although I know 3 days are not enough to tell, I think things will get better. My effort is rubbing off on him although he said he wouldn't. He's actually saying he misses me and loves me and things like that.

 

Did I do the right thing, or should I have just called it quits?

 

I really love him.

[arwen]

Hey,

 

If you are serious about this guy and you believe in a future with him, follow your heart. As long as you are happy, who are we to tell you to break up? We don't know him!

 

One thing strikes me though... While he is the one that treated you badly, you are the one who changes. I believe that he is sorry, and the cheating thing frustrates him, but he should go out of his way to please you if you are willing to stay with him after what he did to you...

 

The difficulty is not if you love him, it's the trust you had that is ruined. IF you think it's worth it to fight for it, do so. If you notice you cannot trust him anymore, get out.

 

Ilse.