Love boyfriend, Don't love husband! Please help!

[Jennkitchen79]

At this point, I will take all the advice I can get.

 

My husband and I have been married for about 3 years now. The first year was fine, the second got a little rocky and this year has been horrible. All we do is fight, constantly. I know it is not right for my 2 year old to see us fighting all the time and I can't take it anymore. But seriously, I can't have a decent conversation with my husband. He is an idiot!! Some of the crap he brings up is just STUPID! We have talked about divorce and everything.

 

On the other hand, I have a boyfriend. He is intelligent, sweet, mellow etc...

 

I am 100% attracted to my boyfriend and our conversations are out of this world. We get along so well that most of the time I wish that my boyfriend was my son's father.

 

This is my problem......I just recently left my husband and moved in with my boyfriend. Everything is wonderful!! What's bothering me is that I am afraid that the whole deal will affect my son when he gets older. Will he blame me for leaving my husband for my own selfishness-wanting happiness?!? I dunno. And I notice that my son gets upset when either of us drops him off/picks him up, ya know, the whole back and forth visitation thing. My son gets upset about it and gets confused when I don't get in the car to go to my husband's house on the weekends. He points to the passenger side and says, "Mommy sit, sit." It kills me inside when my son does that. I want my son to be happy too. My husband also tells me that I am screwing up our son's head/life. My boyfriend tells me that if I can't take my husband's pressure everytime he picks up my son, my boyfriend tells me that he will pay for a lawyer, have my husband arrested and so on. I don't want my son to see that, but my husband won't let me be happy

I feel like I am in the middle of a river about to drown and my husband is on one side telling me that my boyfriend is crazy, this and that. And my boyfriend on the other side telling me how bad my husband is and this and that and I am about to drown and die.

 

I know that I am not happy with my husband. I am happy with my boyfriend; however knowing that my husband will never stop pressuring me to come back home, this and that is stressful and I am ready to just go home and be miserable with my husband. My son wants to see us together anyway, so I wish I only knew what to do. The right thing to do...I don't yet know what it is. I am so confused. Please, if anybody is/had ever been in this type of situation, please reply to this post. ](*,)

[Scout]

You can't have your husband arrested for making you unhappy. I hope you realize that.

 

Onto your most pressing problem, which I see is the fact that you are severely anguished by your son's being very upset...I personally hope that other mothers who are divorced or separated will respond to your post and give you some help here.

 

And I really hope no one will use this thread to flame her for leaving her husband. Her urgent problem is her son.

 

My own two cents - and I'm not a mom, so this may not be helpful - is just keep showing your son as much love as possible. Assure him that you and your husband are both there for him, but never, ever criticize his father in front of him. No matter how hard it is. And ask your husband to refrain from doing the same, if he is.

 

You might want to check out some books from the library about how to help your child as you go through a divorce. There are tons of them out there and I strongly urge you to read them.

 

Good luck, and keep posting.

[Princess777]

Greetings.

 

I have been through divorce and I am a mom. I understand that you feel bad for what you are doing, and yes, that is normal. You feel like you don't deserve happiness, so you feel guilty when you're with your boyfriend, but I don't detect any guilty or hurtful feelings about cheating on your husband (since you're still married). You must really despise him. I also feel that you really feel like this new boyfriend is the greatest thing on the face of the earth. It is typical for you to feel this way. It is natural to idolize another man outside an unhappy marriage, and wish away your life into thinking that he can fix everything for you. The truth is that he can't, you are the only one who can fix things. And the more you rely on this new guy, the more disappointed and desperate you will become.

 

I feel that you are frustrated because you want a quick fix. Unfortunately this will take awhile to fix.

 

A plethora of problems here that I see. Number one, I would NEVER advise getting involved with anyone while married, much less moving in with them. Hence your situation.

 

But, since it's too late to stop that problem, I think you have a lot of action to take. Number one on my list would be, like Scout said, what to say to your child and how to act around him. (It is my opinion that he is still young enough where you can save face, he really doesn't know what is going on yet). But you've got to be quick with getting this solved because he'll grow up really quick. When he gets to be about 4 or 5 years old, tell him the truth about what happened in terms so that he can understand that his daddy does not live with you and why. I did this with my son and I hear horror stories about how moms never told their kids the truth till they were teenagers and beyond and I just shudder. That's just mean. If you tell him the truth early on, you'll never have to worry about hiding anything or hurting him later... kids can adjust better than we think when they're really young.

 

The second thing to handle is your marriage. You can't just think it's going to go away. No way you'll go to marriage counseling and dump the boyfriend? Then if you truly don't see any way in the world you could ever live with your husband again, get the divorce finalized (you can do your own divorce without a lawyer) and come to an agreement with your husband on the dividing of your property and visitation. This is easier said than done but you HAVE to focus on that. Work with him, be humble, and get it done because in court, you'll be the one at fault because you're already with another man. Try to get a no-fault divorce (you and he both agree on everything) and it will save you a lot of money and time.

 

The third thing is that as soon as you get a divorce, I can almost bet money that your relationship with your boyfriend will not work. These relationships rarely work out, for many many reasons. I know that you probably don't see that right now but the pressures/emotions of your divorce will hopefully cause you to stop and take time out to get to know yourself more and what went wrong in the first place.

 

So, to recap, take care/love your son and share him respectfully with your husband. Get your marriage/end of your marriage sorted out. The boyfriend comes last, and he knows it right now. And don't be surprised if he dumps you, you dump him, or something else major happens to make your life a living hell for the time being. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I want to be honest... you're in for a lot of heartache. Take care of your son and yourself. Forget the new guy right now, and if he really loves you he'll wait for you.

[Jennkitchen79]

wow! Thank you Princess777 for the advice. With everything going on, It made me stop and think about the reality of things.

 

I am going to take things one day at a time and see how it goes.

 

Last night my boyfriend said that I have his heart and that he is not going anywhere. He even has his whole family involved in this situation. His older sister, who went through the same situation, is concerned and she wants to talk to me.

 

I understand that I have to focus on myself and my son, but what about the constant bickering/fighting back and forth? My son does not need to go through this anymore.

 

Again, thank you for the advice I'll let y'all know what happens.

[Day_Walker]

Well unfortunately this situation is going to effect your son, you moved from one man (who ur son knows as daddy) to another. You son is confused because he isnt able to understand emotions, he is only able to comprehend what he sees. In order to make the situation better you need to make a decision, it is imperative that you do so. If for nothing else then do it for your son. On the other hand why did you find yourself jumping from your husband to your bf, if your situation was that bad then you should have moved out, its not necessary that a man take care of you. It may be easier to just move in with your bf but is it really healthy that you do that. I believe what you did was more about convience than anything else. That is why you are having the problems that you are now. You need to decided. Some sort of stable environment is necessary for your son for his psychological and emotional health otherwise he will learn that what he sees you doing is appropriate so when it becomes time for him to be in relationships he will repeat your problems.

[Scout]

I don't always agree with Day_Walker's advice, but this time I absolutely 100% back it up. And Princess gave you some incredible feedback as well.

 

Please, whatever you do, act quickly to provide the stability and assurance your son desperately needs.

[melrich]

I agree with all the advice offered here. I am in the situation of your boyfriend, in a realationship with someone with a 2 year old son (we were both separated before getting together. Just to repeat and emphasise what Scout said, never, ever criticise your ex husband in front of your son, and never allow your boyfriend to do it either.

 

I also agree with Princess, you will have to work incredibly hard to make your new relationship work. You have to work accross three relationships and you have to make them all happen - your son, your ex and your new boyfriend. Whilst this forum is great for general advice, I strongly recommend you seek professional relationship and parenting counselling. Your new boyfriend needs to understand the responsibilities and potential issues being a step-parent brings. DO NOT try to work through these things on your own, you will face issues you have not even dreamt of yet and you will need professional help to get it right.

 

Finally be honest with your son when he is old enough to have the situation explained. You will need to contuinually rebuild his trust.

[chadntx]

I will try to keep my own emotions out of this due to being on the other side of the fence. But your kid will more than likely suffer from this I mean one day all is well your in the home with his daddy then you hop into another house with this new guy. It's truly sad in these days that people don't consider their children's well being before their own. Now I'm not the type to say you should stay in a marrige for the sake of the children or anything but at least give them the chance to deal with the split. My son who thought my wife was his real mom walked out on me and him , no contact with him , no nothing. She jumped from me to another guy and such. Of course I do not tell him that I just tell him mommy is sick and needs time to figure out what she is doing and reasure him she still loves him. But I'm the one who lays here at night with him while he crys his eyes out asking why his mom doesn't love him. When it comes to kids it's a hard thing to deal with but just think through each step and you need to tell the new guy to back off when it comes to you and your ex. He is just the new flavor and you and your husband have history together and a child to worry about. But of course I'm a little bitter so to speak so I apoligize if I came accross rude.

[Jennkitchen79]

O.k....*sigh*, this is what's going on. The fighting is getting worse between me and my husband. It's just badd!! We have agreed to go to counseling for our son's sake, but we only agreed on getting along for our son's sake and nothing else. We just can't stand eachother anymore, really, we can't!!

 

As far as rushing into things with my boyfriend....well, yes I did, but i have known him for quite a while so it's not like I did it out of the blue and me and my husband didn't get along wayyy before I met my boyfriend so, what's the use. I can't love my husband. There are alot of reasons why and I just can't. I don't feel ANYthing there anymore. He is soooo f-ing miserable. Arghh....If it wasn't for my son this whole situation would be a piece of cake because then I would just tell my husband to go somewhere, but I can't.

 

I just don't know what to do. Being with my boyfriend it just feels right.

 

Oh and I would never leave my son. I raise my son 24/7. My husband nevver sees him?!? I get frustrated sometimes because of my son's stubborness, but he is my whole world and if I am not happy, then my son is not happy.

 

I will let y'all know what happens in counseling. My appt. is this Wed. around 2ish.

 

Ta-ta for now!

[dreamweaverdude]

Jenn I feel for you and see a lot of you in me. Frustration with an existing marriage, but you like I, found companionship outside the marriage before it is final which does complicated things. I'm defitinely not one to advise since I need help myself but with a son involved who probably loves his father, do anything in the world you can to protect and shield him from your situation of the boyfriend. He may be younf now, but will one day grow up and resent.... be very careful. Do everything possible to end your marriage peacefully........ you like me .. the no-fault divorce would be the best option if available in your state....... but it does means you and your husband have to 100% agree on the disposition of assets...... usually valid within 30 days of the agreement with a nice judge. good luck.

[cath]

I am going through your situation. It has been two years but I thought some of what I learned might help.

 

Often in these situations you can only see the bad in your spouse. Your brain won't let you see the good because you are trying to justify leaving and the new relationship in your mind. Time, counseling, and an open mind can drastically alter feelings and discord in time. All you have to do is put your feelings on hold for a little while and then open your mind.

 

My two little boys are 4 and 2 now. I have found research that, unless there is real physical abuse, children do better in intact families even when there is discord. Use whatever reason you need to open your mind towards reconciliation.

 

Also, I have found many professionals who agree that the chance of success in a relationship with someone you found while married is almost never successful. Your brain can only see the good in your boyfriend right now (the same way you probably first saw your husband). It is important to take an honest look at good and bad qualities and to look at others as they really are. Accepting others as they really are (even if it is better than you think right now) is key.

 

Marriage is a committment to stay together for better or worse. So many people throw this commitment away too easily and then end up getting divorced again. No one always feels the feeling of love for their spouse. Feelings can disappear for months or even years and then return full force. Feelings and emotions are just part of love and they can change for the better if you understand them and work on them.

 

Feelings are like a puppy. They are wonderful if you lead them around and enjoy them. Try following a puppy anywhere he leads you and you will end up dead in the middle of the street!

 

My sister, a friend, and I all went through separations after three years of marriage. I believe this is an important time when people either "grow up" in the marriage and eventually reach a deeper level of commitment and real abiding love (not just a feeling) or they throw away thier marriage and divorce. Often the divorced people realize that they probably could have salvaged their first marriage if they had made a directed effort.

 

You are not hopeless. I assume you loved your husband at some point. You can love him again and even better.

 

It would be ashame to find yourself in the same situation with your boyfriend in a few years (or months) when the "feelings" fade and the fighting begins. Your relationship with your boyfriend feels even more passionate because you are a united force against your husband. This is one of the many reasons these things don't last.

 

I hope you will look towards home and soften your heart to the possibility of saving your family. There is beautiful hope for change and transformation in marriage.

 

Your bad situation is just a wake up call that things need to change. Change how you view things and feel about things. Change how you both treat each other. A change to empower yourselves in your life and your marriage. You can have it all.