He came back, gone again.. Time to delete on Facebook

[AllIsFair]

Hello all,

 

Long time reader here, first time posting though.. Really felling like I need support now thought. These last couple years I've let myself get totally wrapped up and slightly warped in this saga. The first boy who I brought home to meet the family, my first real love. Feels funny writing that at 30

 

I'll try to summarize a bit.. It was a LDR, he moved here for us and I questioned things. I took it a bit for granted and was somewhat critical of his drinking and some issues I had felt in the relationship (when we'd go out he'd be all over the bar but not at my side..). I didn't really know if we were compatible, but we both fell deeply in love with each other. Beautiful memories at a family christmas and many wonderful visits.

 

Things fell apart shortly after he moved here. The trust was gone and so was he. I did the begging, calls, gifts on the doorstep... A couple months later he called to let me know that he'd gotten serious with another guy (we're gay) and that felt like a stab in the heart. Although that fell apart too, he was single again, I was very angry and hurt by that. I spent the next 1.5 years trying to get over it and at the same time get back together. I was wiling to show that I'd taken it for granted before and wouldn't do it again.

 

We had a short series of get-togethers before he told me that he was moving away for a job, so I cut contact again. Then I run into him on new-years and we make out, then I call and want to see if we can rekindle things.. He didn't get the job. So at that point we almost got a real second chance. Although it was nothing like the first time, I had to do most of the calling and setting up time to see each other, he wasn't gushing about me all the time, but we both remembered what had been. A couple months pass, and he ends it again. On my birthday! So I cut contact again, I made it clear that we can't be just friends. But I stupidly look at his facebook wall and see that he'd been out on a date and stated that he 'maybe had a new boyfriend'.

 

Nonetheless he has texted me a couple times and oddly I ran into him at a location which I had posted on my wall that I'd be at that day. I let myself think that maybe he was missing me a lot too, that maybe he'd planned on trying to run into me there. That maybe he was regretting it. This past weekend a mutual friend blurted out that they've been official for a couple months now, since I saw that update. This hurts me deeply. All the dreams we had and plans we made, I guess I was still holding onto. It seems that he wasn't the man I'd hoped he was, all those fears have come to fruition. It just hurts so much to think of them together, I'm finding it hard to not obsess about it. I'm about to delete him from facebook but I'm still worried about burning that bridge!

 

I don't know what my point is, but hurting very much. Still a part of my mind thinking that if I cut it all off then he might realize what he's losing.. A bigger part knows that I need to cut it off to free myself. It's really hard admitting that that dream might truly be dead. Even though he's treated me like crap at a number of points since he moved out here, I still miss him, miss holding him. It doesn't help that we had such amazing chemistry. And I keep running into him everywhere... When he dumped me this last time he even said 'I love you but I think we make better friends than partners' and that 'the lines of communication are still open'. What is that even supposed to mean? What are we gonna communicate about? And now he's already with someone else. I'm finding it really hard not to think about that..

[ParisPaulette]

I'm so sad this has happened to you. I have been there and it's not something I would wish on anyone, not even my ex who did what yours did with me for six years doing the on again-off again thing continuously before I finally pulled the plug for good on the relationship. It is hard to let go of the dreams and hopes, but yes you should pull the plug completely and delete and block him from every avenue of your life: facebook, your phone, your email, if you see him out and about smile and nod but keep going or walk away without speaking. I know it's hard to do, but it's the only thing at this point you really can do if you want to be free of the pain.

 

Don't try to be his friend right now or allow him to remain in your life as a friend. Later on when you both neither have feelings for each other beyond friendship that can maybe work, but not while you're getting your head straight. Focus on you and getting healed and learning to look towards the future again while allowing yourself a chance to grieve the end of the relationship. You are putting your feet on a new path and it's a hard one, but in the end you will come out of it okay ready to love again and in love with your life.

 

And yes, he may very well try frantically to reach you once he sees you've blocked him or maybe not. It may be months or even years afterwards that he reaches out to you. But you need to keep a reminder written down somewhere of why it didn't work and why, in spite of some lovely memories, it just isn't a relationship that's brought you anything but heartache. And tell him that if he insists on contacting you. The fact is you deserve someone who wants to fully be with you who stays even during the toughest of times, because for them that's still better than a life without you.

 

NC is all about healing. If they get their s*** together, because you go NC it's usually only a side effect of NC and not always a happy one if the other person never actually addresses why they yo-yoed in and out of your life to begin with.

[AllIsFair]

Thanks so much for the reply ParisPaulette. I know it was a rambling post, just trying to get it out of my head. I'm afraid that he'll think it's a petty step to delete from FB, but it's really not that big of a deal especially if you actually care for someone. I don't think it's fair to be wanting to 'like' things all the time so that I have to see your picture in my feed, doubly-so if you're including the new person in your profile pic - I don't need to see that. And after you dumped me again! I'm still wondering why he texted me a month ago to see how I'm doing and tell me his plans for the long weekend, and ask me about mine. Almost as if he's trying to avoid running into me with the new guy, which I actually would appreciate. And then he tells me he's just focusing on himself and bettering his life, when it's now pretty clear that he's gotten involved with someone new.

[markie6]

Self preservation / blocking on FB is never petty or childish and is the best way

[ParisPaulette]

It is not petty to delete someone from Facebook that has broken up with you. It's called healing and preserving your heart while you recover. If he gets upset and contacts you to ask why you can tell him that firmly that you are moving on with your life and just need time and space away from him. Then hang up the phone and do not respond to anything else he says or does. Besides petty is him breaking up with you on your birthday, which you said he did at one point. Go ahead and delete him off Facebook. He may or may not get upset about it, but it is your life and no, you do not have to be friends with an ex just because they want that. As to the checking in with you sometimes I think that's more about an ego boost for them--i.e. if things fall apart elsewhere do they have something to fall back on or maybe it's guilt. Either way I never found it be anything good when someone had broken up with me after treating me badly. Now when exes show back up trying to reach me I hit delete or just don't answer the door or phone since the fact is I've come to realize there are plenty of other people who genuinely want to spend time with me. I don't need or deserve someone who's half-in/half-out and can't make their minds. And neither do you. The one piece of advice that kept me going through my very worst breakup was the personal mantra "I deserve better." So repeat that however often you have to until you believe it and act it and life does too.