I hate being jealous of bf's new friend, but I can't help it.

[upsndowns]

My boyfriend recently made a new friend at work. She's gorgeous and athletic with a fantastic body. She's closer to his age (I'm 21 and he's 26) and she works in the same field, so he can talk to her about all the tech stuff he works with and she'll understand instead of struggling to keep up, like me. She also has a really great job and doesn't work as a full time waitress/full time student who can't afford anything. Basically, any complaint he has about me, she doesn't have that trait. She is the anti-me. And they've been hanging out a lot lately. It's not that I think he'd cheat on me, because I really do trust him. I just feel really insecure. It doesn't help that his sex drive has *plummeted* so that we used to have sex once or twice a month, and now this last month we've had no sex at all. He told me that he's still attracted to me and that he just hasn't been interested in sex at all lately. I've never really been a jealous person before AT ALL, but now I'm starting to get really jealous.

 

He's asked me if it bothers me that they hang out so much. I told him no, because what am I supposed to say? That he's not allowed to hang out with her anymore? They're really good friends. But it's not just her, even though I get most jealous of her. I get jealous if he's hanging out with any woman, or even if he goes to strip clubs, which never bothered me before. The strip clubs, I guess are a big one, too. I know he mostly goes because he knows the managers and gets free drinks. He just goes with his friends. But I just feel so sad because he says that he doesn't have any desire anymore, but then he goes to a place where the whole point of being there is to look at boobs. I've asked him to tell me the truth, and he says he just doesn't have any desire anymore, but it's hard for me to believe that he just doesn't have any desire for *me*. The other day, he remarked that he thought a woman on TV was "hot" (something else which never used to bother me). He's recently started saying that I'm "pretty" and "beautiful" again, but he hasn't called me "hot," in--I can't even remember how long. Honestly, I think it's been almost a year. If he has no desire, how come other women are "hot"? Or "sexy"? How come *he* can't be the big spoon for a change, the few times he wants to even sleep in the same bed with me instead of on the couch? I just don't understand. It makes me so, so, so, so sad. And it's turning me into this secretly jealous ***** that I really don't like. I love him. I just want to know that he really, really loves me back.

[offplanet]

I just don't see the point in being with someone who is so uninterested. He's given you a lot of reason to feel insecure. Of course you would be jealous of her. Why put yourself through this?

[becomingkate]

The fact that the sex was so sporadic, and that he used to sleep on the couch, is worrisome. Does he have a low sex drive, or you?

[JA0371]

Honestly, if this were my situation I would dump this guy. What's the point of torturing yourself? This guy sounds like he sees you as more a friend than a g/f...a b/fshould look forward to being intimate with you, not finding excuses to sleep on the couch. I also would not feel comfortable with him spending all that time with another woman. It's not about being jealous, it's simply a respect thing and he doesn't seem to have much for you. JMO.

[dasilver]

Your boyfriend is just not that into you right now.

 

It could be as a result of the excitement of this new "hot" girl at work or the bars he's been frequenting. Whatever the case may be, your guy is finding other women sexually attractive....moreso than he is you.

 

I would wait this one out a bit....See if the dust settles....see if this little crush he has going on settles.

 

If this continues for a couple more months....it's time to say goodbye.

[25thfloor]

dump this jerk. goes to stip clubs, so he is interested in women, calls other women hot, so he is interested in women.

 

Just not interested in you. When I've not been interested, every now and then, I'm not interested in anyone....including my BF.

[upsndowns]

The fact that the sex was so sporadic, and that he used to sleep on the couch, is worrisome. Does he have a low sex drive, or you?

 

He has a low sex drive. I actually have a high sex drive--I'd be thrilled to pieces if we could have sex every two days or something. I can definitely be satisfied with less than that, though.

 

*TRIGGER WARNING*

 

It's also tough because when we first started dating, I was a virgin, and when we started fooling around (but not actually having sex), I started having flashbacks and recovering memories of being assaulted when I was a very little girl. I still gave him handjobs and made out with him and dry humped until I felt ready to have sex. It was just very difficult to be sexual for the first several months. Even after I was able to have sexual experiences without freaking out, I still suffered some pretty heavy depression and had to be hospitalized twice. It was really really rough, but now I'm finally getting better. I have a job, I go to school, and I'm mostly pretty healthy emotionally. I don't exhibit any signs of depression anymore and I'm off meds. He stuck through that with me, and I want to stick through this with him in return. The only thing that I keep thinking, though, is that even when all of that was going on, I still *wanted* him. I still made an effort to be intimate with him, even when he repeatedly turned me down (the beginning of the decline of his libido). I still bought him flowers just because and I still was the big spoon and I still made an effort to be really affectionate with him. And the thing is, I feel like he doesn't *want* me. But I also don't want to run at the first sign of trouble when he's been there for me when I felt like I had no one else to turn to. I'm just so confused.

[gabriella777]

I would suggest that you have a long talk with him. Personally, this is not the kind of behaviour I would tolerate from a bf but I can understand why you're so emotionally attached to him and why you want things to work out.

 

You seem to be so confused about his behaviour. He's the only one who can fully explain his behaviour to you. So ask him! Tell him exactly how you're feeling and all those things that make you jealous. He asked you whether it bothers you that he hangs out with this girl so much - that's a good sign. It might mean that he cares about your feelings. And if he does, you have to tell him how you feel!! And then he'd change his behaviour.

 

The thing is that (as you said) you've never been jealous. So he's never known you as the jealous type. Which is why he probably would never think that his comments would bother you! I had to explicitly tell my bf all the comments that bothered me and why. Otherwise, they don't get it. You have to be as clear as possible with him.

 

If at the end of the discussion, it seems that he has lost interest, it's probably time to end it. If he's not being clear with you and he's being really ambiguous and he doesnt know what he wants either, then again, it's probably best to end it. I don't think you should be afraid of ending it. You have to look forward; not backwards. You have to consider what's the best thing for YOU NOW. Don't stay with him because of the past.

 

Good luck