Married 18 yrs, husband telling me he is unsure of our future. I love him.

[Dlucio1]

We've always fight about everything. We r both hot tempered. Since catching him online with an emotional relationship for 2 mos, he has been extremely angry and Finally told me he is not happy with me because i fight with him all the time and is tired. He broke off all ties with the other woman who live in the philipines. He said his priority is his kids and he is a good father. I admit he seems to b depressed and he feels unappreciated because he works 1 1/2 hrs away and we see him on 3 day wkends then when he comes home we argue. He also hates it because the kids have seen us fight alot and this last fight my 18 yr old boy told him to leave and it broke my husbands heart. My husband blames me for the kids not being happy toward him since the cheating and him not ever apologizing about it to me. he doesnt even want to bring it up anymore. i told him i promised, since i dont want to lose him. He is now avoiding the whole family and maybe he is ashamed what he did because he is angry at the whole world. I'm scared now cause he has refused sex a few times and hates me a lot now. I told him to give me time to heal because its still fresh in my heart what he did and he gets soo angry for mentioning it. why? he told me if i dont leave the past alone he will break up with me. He blames me for everything and is TIRED of fighting. I cried a lot last night because his feelings toward me r different now. He told me he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life fighting and feeling stressed. His body feels a lot of pain. Idk what to do for him. I don't think he loves me anymore. He is 49 yrs old and I am 47. This morning before leaving I said bye to him and we hugged, I cried and we kissed. He told me "I love you" and I told him the same thing. I'm confused. I love him so and don't want to lose him. He also told me last night. "I u not happy u can find somebody else, I won't interfere, I know u not happy with me, I can't make u happy, u can find somebody else" idk why he is telling me this? I'm soo confused.

[chitown9]

This morning before leaving I said bye to him and we hugged, I cried and we kissed. He told me "I love you" and I told him the same thing.

 

I think that there is a lot of hope because of this. Why don't you suggest couple counseling to him? ...chi

[abitbroken]

Don't agree to "not talk about something" to keep him. Of course, you should not constantly fight, but no one should tell you that you can't have feelings or discuss something. I suspect that you have fought all these years because either you don't talk about issues until they are huge, and it ends in a fight, or he gets angry when faced with something he is in the wrong about. Now he is mad at you because of the kids' reaction and not seeing it as a wake up call.

 

I think that you do need counseling, but if all you do is fight and the only way not to fight is if you stay silent and just cry when you are alone or keep things inside, then the challenge is going to be to get you both there willing to talk. I would suggest individual counseling for you. Also, there is no way you should compromise your feelings on this issue.

 

I have a feeling you both are attracted to this dynamic in the first place for it to have gone on this long.

 

Also, "i'll break up with you if you talk about it" is a threat. He might make good on it, but more likely he is saying that to get a reaction out of you. And that keeps you quiet about things. If you do something that you never did, such as setting a boundary, he won't know what to do. Do not have sex with him if he is hating you. Be as calm as possible about it. And if he gets angry at you for him cheating, say in your calmest voice "If you want to be angry with me for talking about my feelings, then that is your choice. However, when I am yelled or my feelings are discounted, I am going to go read a book/you will be sleeping on the sofa/or whatever you want to stay you will do. I will only speak with you when you are calm." And make good on that. You control how he speaks to you. And be calm as possible. And do not cave. He will not know what to do when you are not firing back at him OR crying OR begging.

 

This does not sound like a healthy marriage to me.

[Dlucio1]

I slept on the sofa night before last. And he got soo angry. That fired him up. I told him it was because he didn't want to have sex with me. Again he said, I always fight with him and I will not stop. He he tired and regrets we had kids. He said everyone knows we been fighting for yr it doesn't matter anymore

[abitbroken]

I slept on the sofa night before last. And he got soo angry. That fired him up. I told him it was because he didn't want to have sex with me. Again he said, I always fight with him and I will not stop. He he tired and regrets we had kids. He said everyone knows we been fighting for yr it doesn't matter anymore

 

No no no! You don't tell him you are on the sofa because he won't have sex. Sex is not the big issue here. And it says "i don't care if you are mean, as long as you have sex with me." The ISSUE is that you need to draw a line in the sand when he is acting angrily and mean towards you or throwing things back at you. One issue at a time. Sex is a symptom of the problem and not the problem. Forget about sex right now.

 

If one of you is sleeping on the sofa, it is because he is acting angrily towards you and is acting mean. If he is talking horribly to you, then you calmly leave the conversation. "It is your choice if you want to talk angrily towards me/yell at me, but when you do, I am not continuing the discussion. I will listen later when you calm down." and leave his presence. Go read a book or do something else and if he angrily interrupts you, remind him. This tells him a) he can choose to do what he wants b) but you are not responding to bad behavior c) if he wants you to listen, then he has to display positive and reasonable behavior. You will give him your attention and listen when he does. But only when he does. It is called setting a boundary of how people can treat you.

 

When you told him why you were sleeping on the sofa, you DID fire back at him. You were punishing him. You don't want to punish. You want to set a boundary. Does that make sense? Just going to lay on the sofa and say "i am here because you won't have sex with me" solves nothing. Lay down the rules before you go to the sofa. Or also, you can go to your own bed and tell him the same thing, that he can be mad and yell. it is his choice to do so. You will listen when he speaks to your clamly only. And in the meantime, you are going to sleep or you are reading a book, or you are going to do some sewing (or whatever your hobby) and he is welcome to talk to you when he calms down.

 

I used sleeping in another room as an example, but it could be anything at all based on your situation. Something else might work for you.

 

I knew a woman who slept in the guest room. "You can watch porn if you want to. That is your choice. But so long as you do, I am sleeping in the guest room." No nightly announcement of it. No back and forth. Guess what. He quit watching porn. But she didn't fire back at him everyday. She treated him normally otherwise and it was up to him to act.

[abitbroken]

btw, he is saying a lot of these things to hurt you - like he regrets having kids. Honestly, if he were my husband, I would kick him out to his parents house or a hotel so we could have time apart. cheating is one issue, but regretting children and throwing the whole thing back at you when he did something is the sign of a child, not an adult. This man is not a grownup. I would not stay with him. I hate divorce and wouldn't encourage anyone to break up their marriage, but until he owns up to his actions and stops blaming everyone but himself, he is not capable of maintaining this kind of relationship. I would at least spend time apart from him for sure.

[Kieren956]

Agreed, this guy sounds VERY immature, borderline childish. Who is he to get mad at YOU for his cheating?! HE is the one getting mad?? What world does he live in?? I understand that he may be ashamed, but the attitude of a person who feels shame is NOT anger or yelling or threatening! YOU should be the one mad! And why would you even want to have sex with a man that treats you so bad and acts like such a low-life? REGRETTING your children?! Why would you even WANT to SLEEP with that kind of man?! Sweety, wake up, YOU should be mad, HE should be apologetic and ashamed, doing everything he can to make amends, so that you forgive him, NOT getting mad and threatening to leave you for talking about the bad things he's done! When he says that, you tell him FINE! Go ahead! Take your things and get the hell out of here, and if you regret our children so much, then you'll be happy to go stay at the hotel, GOODBYE. Honestly, sweety, you need to stop acting like you did something wrong and he is some kind of super husband or something

[Ms Darcy]

You two need a separation desperately.

[PaintWithLight]

You two need a separation desperately.

 

I agree. He was caught but he has not confessed. There are many many things that you do not know about. Has he sent this woman any money? I will bet that he has. Once you understand the scope of his betrayal, it will give you the resolve to focus on a future for your life and your children. Ask him point blank about the money. I would be amazing that he maintained a 2 year emotional affair and never got hit up for some bogus emergency.