An I risking this becoming a game of stale mate?

[RGS]

Some if you will know my story but I'll sum it up just in case...

 

Was with a great guy for just over a year, it was his longest term relationship (except his ex who he was off and on with for a year). He's 34 im 29. We got along great never fought always showed respect for each other and he was dropping hints about it being long term etc. i met his parents in the spring (they live abroad and hes never intriduced anyone before so this was a big deal). Went on an amazing holiday in June, we get back he goes distant for a week and Bam out the blue we break up because "he's not sure why but he gets to a point in relationships and feels trapped, part of him thinks he's being really stupid". Well he admitted it was his issue not mine as I'm the most chilled gf ever, never checked up on him and was happy for him to go out with mates whenever and I maintained my independence too. I told him I didn't want to break up and I loved him but there's nothing I can do if he wants to break up.

 

I didn't argue with his decision and I initially said we couldn't be in touch as I needed to move on but maybe somewhere way down the line we could. He questioned this saying it was weird not hearing from me but I asserted no we can't be in touch and he agreed. Two weeks later in a weak moment I called him and he turned the tables on me saying breaking up was the right decision and he doesn't think we should be in touch. I asked for how long and he said "2 months, the ball's in your court." As i was hurt I responded saying "I do know I need to move on you know I actually have a date next Sunday". He seemed shocked as it was only two weeks after bu and asked if it was this Sunday I said no "next Sunday". I did actually have a date (I know I know bad idea!) but I didn't go ahead with it as I realised it was a ridiculous idea.

 

SO two months later... We have both maintained no contact. I half think he turned the NC around on me because he was hurt when I initially said I couldn't be in touch so he had to feel it was his decision. I realise the best thing for me to do is to maintain NC indefinitely despite this random 2 months he threw out there but the things I am worried about are: it was an amicable break up and if he does have regrets I'm worried he wouldn't contact me becsuse a) he thinks I was dating two weeks post which probably really hurt him or made me look stupid b) he said the ball was in my court so its up to me to make contact c) I initially said I didn't want to be in touch anymore.

 

He's a very respectful guy and I think he would stick to nc even if he regrets the bu because he thinks that's what I want and because he thinks I'm dating so male pride would get in the way. I'm pretty confident he will be regretting the break up as i know how he felt, im pretty sure it was a commitment freak out and given his friends are all coupled up and settled it won't take him long to feel pretty lonely.

 

So the issue is that whilst I know I need to stick to NC I am sat here going crazy thinking he maybe wouldn't break his side of NC even if he did regret the BU. So what do I do?? I know I can't break NC but what if we are stuck in a silly game of stake mate. Do you think if he truly did regret then he would contact despite male pride, respect and fears I am dating others? He's quite a sensitive guy do I'm not convinced he would, I feel stuck! We have no mutual friends do I can't even try to find out that way...

[RGS]

And apologies for all the spelling errors.. This is what happens if you write on an iPhone -doh!

[camus154]

I think you're making this more complicated than it really is.

 

He broke up with you, and later on he maintained that was the right decision. I would focus on that and keep moving on.

[RGS]

Agreed but a lot can change with time and space. The initial decision was a very rash one on his part and he admitted he knew he was being stupid and he seemed more in pieces than me. I maintained my composure throughout, he probably thinks I'm a heartless b****

[camus154]

Well, I don't know what you want to hear, OP.

 

You really only have two options: move on or contact him. You already said you can't break NC, so that leaves moving on. There's no point in worrying about whether he won't contact you out of fear or pride. At the end of the day, he's a big boy capable of making his own decisions. If he decides he wants you back but doesn't have the backbone to reach out to you, doesn't that say something about how strongly he really feels anyway?

[markie6]

a) he thinks I was dating two weeks post which probably really hurt him or made me look stupid

maybe both , but things said in haste ... not good but you didn't make this call did you

 

he said the ball was in my court so its up to me to make contact

maybe extra added annoyance from you dissapearing off the radar and then breaking what you said .. but again... did you decide to bu ? nope

 

I initially said I didn't want to be in touch anymore.

well that's normal protective measure for somebody just dumped

 

All in all I don't see you did anything wrong .. other than contacting him, and allowing him to switch it onto you , he maybe took that as a sign of immaturity, though god knows why people think like that , and then even more so when you broke nc

 

The dating thing may have bothered him and re-enforced his decision ... but again when you don't chose to be dumped... but..maybe your worst reaction, bearing in mind you probably instantly regretted it. Lets be fair, if a dumper is going to have second thoughts we don't want to re-enforce their existing decision for them.

 

So now you are second guessing it all with the benefit of hinsidght, the phones not ringing and who knows maybe you are in a mexican standoff... but here's the thing... you didn't ask to be dumped and any dumper should realise...people say and do things in the heat of the moment ... but if he regretted his decision your reactions may have pushed him further away. (ie mine couldn't understand why I had a bad reaction and made her a bit less sympathetic) And this can make them lose a little more respect for you

 

So , stick to NC ...he asked you to come to ENA ... you didn't make this decision...

 

What else is a dumper supposed to do , not as if you gave him a lot of grief ... it seems like he was just unsure as to what he wanted. His silence could well mean he is now sure, do you want to risk a second rejection ?

 

Sorry I probably am only highlighting your fears and I cannot say it would be a good idea to bend over a second time good luck with your healing though

[RGS]

Again i agree and all these dilemmas are what keep bringing me back to sticking with NC, he dumped me, i didnt dump him therefore IF he did have doubts it should be him to contact regardless of all the water under the bridge. Now to my second dilemma...

 

Whilst i realise we cant be in contact now as i am definitly not over it yet, i desperately hope we can be friends when we've both healed. However with all this NC sillyness im really worried it will look childish on my part if i dont contact him now the 2 months is over and ruin any chance of friendship further down the line, particulalry because he has thrown this silly "2 month" thing in there. I dont want to lose him in my life forever even if at some point when i have healed it is just as a friend. Im worried if i wait to contact him until i have healed it will be over a year, he will have met someone else and they wont be happy with him being friends with an ex. It's all so silly and complicated.

[RGS]

ps also i should say thank you for your responses, very much appreciated

[mhowe]

It is silly --- it isn't complicated. When you turn relationships/break ups into a game of who should contact who when and under what conditions --- it is just a game. It isn't honest communication.

 

Forget hoping you can be friends. Would you want to hear about him dating someone else? If it is/was a true friendship, the fact that you are an ex is immaterial.

 

Leave it be, move on. Stay w/ the NC --- because it is more than clear that you don't want to settle for friendship....and he doesn't want a relationship.

[markie6]

NC = self preservation and that is never childish .. unless you were trying to use it to get him back...

 

This is why I think people who announce NC are running the risk of their ex googling it... and being aware that far too many use it as a secret jedi mind trick.... or at least that's what they are trying....

[RGS]

I do honestly want to be friends with him when ive healed as we've had such a happy year and so many memories it seems so sad to chop the person out my life who i shared it all with. I obviously understand it will be hard when he is dating someone else which is why i should wait till ive healed but by doing this i dont want him to think i hate him.

 

I know what your'e going to say at this point "he's obviously not bothered about chopping you out" and i agree but he's a good guy and i know how much he cared about me even if not he doesnt care enough to want a relationship.

[RGS]

well i didnt announce NC but now your making me worry he may be googling lol!! I just said to him that i dont think we should be in touch for a while as i need to focus on moving on a bit like ripping off a sticking plaster. When he announced NC he said "i think youre right i dont think we should be in touch".

 

incidentally he has been posting odd things on twitter such as some certain Celine Dijon lyrics... not normal behaviour i dont think especially as he never posts on twitter!!!!

[markie6]

yeah reading stuff on twitter and fb will only add to your confusion. I had an ex post some lyrics on fb 6 months after a split , turns out she had just finished with her bf after a 5 month realtionship. It wasn't about me , but I was sure at the time.

well i didnt announce NC but now your making me worry he may be googling lol!! I just said to him that i dont think we should be in touch for a while as i need to focus on moving on a bit like ripping off a sticking plaster. When he announced NC he said "i think youre right i dont think we should be in touch".

 

incidentally he has been posting odd things on twitter such as some certain Celine Dijon lyrics... not normal behaviour i dont think especially as he never posts on twitter!!!!

 

It's cool as long as people don't say...I want 30 days NC... Imagine if you dumped somebody and heard that

[mhowe]

You have now reached the bargaining stage of the break up.

 

What you should be hearing is "I think it is a good idea to not be in contact".

 

Period. Believe him. Any further contact will drive him further away.

[RGS]

I know i know, i am resigned to sticking to no contact permanently even if it kills me (and believe me it currently is!) It would be very hard for me to break NC as i deleted his number and wrote it on a piece of paper which i left in my parent's freezer 300 miles away. I deleted him off facebook and no longer have his email address so i DO have to just carry on moving on, i have no choice. I think i am fretting because this weekend marks the 2 month mark and it feels like a BIG wall to move past. Im sat here wondering if he even realises it's been two months (do guys/dumpers even keep track of these things)?

[mhowe]

No, they don't. Because they ended the relationship, and are no longer keeping track.

[markie6]

Dumpers can think like that ( they are human after all ) but the biggee is they have often been plotting their escape way before breakup day and as such have a decent headstart in the healing. So if its 2 months for you it could be double that or longer for them and people will remember stuff , hard not to. My ex remembered me a few months after breakup on an anniversary of a trip we took. Didn't do me any good at all. Memories can be triggered for them, same for us but they normally remember why they left. If they are forced to re evaluate their lives then they wil often think more fondly then. For most it will never be enough.

 

You go through stages in NC where you have to fight it harder than other times. Stay strong.

[RGS]

Thanks markie I suspect you're right he said he'd been feeling from one extreme to the other for around 2 months. Glad I can come here to vent and get some grounded advice. The next big hurdle will be his birthday in November, watch out for my posts!

[camus154]

Bear in mind, these hurdles that revolve around particular dates are only as significant as you allow them to be. There's nothing particularly special about 2 months, or even his birthday. To put it in perspective, if you dated for a year then you shared precisely 1 out of 34 of the birthdays in his life--not much of a tradition for you.

[markie6]

^^^^ yes and worth also pointing out that you can spend 5 years with somebody and have fewer memorable times, if it went downhill for the last 2 years or more bad than good the over riding impression could be just the painful memories. A bad breakup could be a year of total happiness and no idea it wasn't as happy for them.

 

These are all the things you are forced to puzzle over when the split occurs. Your ex was checking out while looking you in the eye and sometimes pretending you had a future together. The worst ones are when you start to guess they checked out ages ago but didn't have the moral fibre to let you in on it.

 

Dumpees need time to see all this , dumpers need peace and quiet because they cannot miss you if you constantly remind them of your existence which is counter intuitive for a desperate dumpee

[RGS]

I do agree with all the above and can be sure that my ex only checked out one to two months before the end and there was a lot if ambivilance (i.e thinking one exterme to the other, i want to be with this girl forever vs im scared im not ready to settle down)

 

As for birthdays I wasn't talking about the significance for him but for me, I will be thinking of him on that day and I think it would just seem childish not to text but NC says not to contact. I don't want him to think I'm being childish and to not text well (and he will know this) it's just not me, regardless of friend or enemy.

[mhowe]

You have hit the nail on the head. You are thinking about this ONLY from your perspective. Not his.

 

If you have broken up with someone, then it makes no sense to contact them on their birthday. What --- will you be doing this forever, with everyone you ever date? It is an excuse to make contact -- nothing more, nothing less.

 

If an ex were to contact me on my bday, I would look at it and wonder why. And then delete it. And not reply.

[CupidMissedMe]

RGS im glad u are coming to this forum to vent because you sound so desperate right now. Im sorry to be blunt, but MOA. Down the line, you wont even care to be his friend. I know it's hard, but be kind to your heart, and take that love and share it with someone that cares, it doesn't have to be a SO. I am going through the same thing, trust me. Love yourself first before others can love u.

[RGS]

Aw thanks Cupid that's kind, I wouldn't say I'm desperate, i know I can live without him but I just feel a bit stuck in the mud with my feelings. My head is trying to move on but my heart won't let go. If only it were like iTunes and I could sync them!